Doing the Deed

Saraevh · November 2012

Alright, so DH informed me this morning that our lack of sex life is really getting to him.

I have no desire to do the deed like, at all. By the time the kids are in bed and sleeping it's at the earliest 9pm. Then all I want to do is shower off the puke and poop crusted on me from throughout the day, lay in bed and read for a half hour or so and go to bed. I'm just so flippin' tired at the end of the day.

I tore super bad this second time around and was back to the doc not too long ago talking about possibly having to have surgery to repair it. Between my wrecked vag, exhaustion and the dryness that comes along with breastfeeding I would pretty much rather slit my wrists than have sex. (I just stopped breastfeeding though, so hopefully that will take care of one of those three things

His pestering and nagging just flat out annoys the crap out of me. I just want to tell him to go take care of himself and let me sleep.

Has anyone else gone through this? What did you guys do to get through it? I know it will probably get better once the kids get older, but in the meantime I need to make this better.

imoverit · November 2012

Been there for sure. Its hard to push yourself to do one more thing after being tired. DH definitely had to take care of himself a lot but sometimes I would help which takes less effort than the actual deed. KWIM? Maybe just talk to him about doing the deed once a week at least or month if you want to start there,LOL, then the pressure is off because you know for that one day instead of reading you will be playing. HTH.

Dragonfly1226 · November 2012

It is so hard when you have a little baby. Never mind two kids! After DS I wasn't in the mood a lot. But I made myself get into the mood once a week. Poor dh was so patient. The good news is that I usually realized I was in the mood once we started.

amandaleigh1 · November 2012

Though it sounds really unsexy, it would be best to schedule time to dtd. I took a workshop with dh on maintaining a good relationship after baby, and scheduling it was suggested and encouraged.

kbeach82 · November 2012

Sex was the last thing on my mind after DS was born (and to be honest, still is most days 19 months later). I realize that it's an important part of my marriage, so I agree to DTD more often that I would prefer when DH brings it up, and I also make sure I initiate it once in a blue moon so he doesn't feel unloved. Like Dragonfly said, I am usually fine once we get down to business ;-) Sometimes, when I am just NOT in the mood, I pretty much let DH know (gently) that this time is "just for him." In other words - let's get this over with honey, because we will be doing this for a LONG time if we wait for me to get mine :-)

itsmevkb · November 2012

Thankfully, my husband isn't the type to ever mention anything when we get into a slump (which has happened a lot over our marriage considering the numerous pregnancies, post-partum periods, etc). Anyway, what is your schedule like in the mornings? Could you wake up maybe 15 minutes earlier and quick get things done then rather than wait for night when you know you'll be too exhausted? I used to sometimes set the alarm earlier and wake up dh and he honestly thought I was the best wife ever.

As for just plain not being in the mood, I get that but I think sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Sometimes after I force myself to get started I actually start enjoying it, but I'll admit it's often a struggle to muster up the energy to even start.

Lastly, do you know what the minimum he wants is? My husband would do it everyday if I wanted to but if I'm not in the mood at all I'll force myself say once every two weeks or so and he's fine with that but I know a lot of men wouldn't be. So, try and figure out what the absolute minimum he's expecting is - and if he comes back with once a day tell him to go jump in a lake!

Saraevh · November 2012

Thanks for the tips! I thought about trying to schedule something, but then thought maybe that would be even harder? Would I dread it even more? Like, "sh!t, it's Wednesday night!" I can picture myself trying to come up with excuses for why we would have to wait until Thursday. Maybe not ... My DH would do it every.single.day. if I allowed it for sure. When we talked this morning he asked for twice a week, I said once a week and then (maybe) I would let him hop in the shower with me one night as well (LoL!). He seemed somewhat content with that. I like the waking him up in the morning idea. He definitely would prefer nighttime (he is a horrible morning person) but I can guarantee if it was for sex, he would be okay with me waking him up before the kids got up. Le sigh. Thanks gals.

TJ1979 · November 2012

I'm in the same boat, but only have one. I can only imagine how much harder it is with two LOs to take care of. MH is constantly grabbing at me during the evenings, and I finally had to tell him it made me feel like that was all he saw me as, was his toy. I haven't scheduled it out loud, but I have a schedule with myself that includes doing the deed once a week, and a little something extra for him once a week. He hasn't complained, but like I said, he's constantly grabbing at me, so I know he's frustrated. Like all the PP's though, I usually find once we get started it's not as bad as I was anticipating. Also, so sorry about your "wrecked vag." That totally sucks.

RoseHQ12 · November 2012

Well you are definately not on your own, I think we have all been, or are now in, the same boat. My DH is usually just as exhausted as I am, by the time bedtime rolls around we are both zonked, they joys of twins

I agree with pp's that when you get going it's not as bad as the anticipation before hand, easier to say a year after a c-section than where you are at now. I can't imagine having to contemplate a sex life with a "wrecked vag" I hope things get better for you, GL!

queenbone · December 2012

Ouch, I'm sorry it can be so painful for you. We haven't been doing it recently because the suppositories are just too gross for either of us to deal with. He definitely had some promises to make to me last night for what I can expect after those are done. hahaha! Clearly he is looking forward to the progesterone to be finished more than me!

Sometimes I can get away with avoiding sex if I let him grope me while he takes care of himself and I say naughty things.

TJ1979 · December 2012

Funny you posted this... MH just told me this weekend that he wasn't feeling physically loved enough. He felt emotionally loved just fine, but he was missing the touch. Sigh. Better work on it.

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