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Adoption
When did you know adoption was the right path?
Adoption as been on my mind more and more lately. This week we have our first RE appointment. It's been a long 9 months with multiple mc. I know 9 months is "nothing" compared to others journey to become parents, but for me and my heart it has been very difficult.
There are so many "What if's" running through my brain. I am beginning to wonder if I even want to go down the road of fertility treatments. Maybe adoption is the better road for me. I keep remembering this one conversation I had with my mom as a child. I said to her "I don't know why people would want to have their own babies, when there are so many kids out there without homes." It's weird....I don't remember where we were or why we were talking about it, but I remember thinking that it was such a no brainer--everyone should adopt.
I wish I was more religious....I wish I had faith or felt a call from God. Instead, I just feel overwhelmed and confused.
I know everyone's situation is different, but I was just wondering....when did you decide adoption was right for you?
TTC our first, both age 29
BFP#1 Twins, Missed MC with complications (long story)
BFP#2 CP
DX: DH-no issues
Me-PAI-1 1/2013 Hysteroscopy/Laparoscopy to remove polyp and adhesions
March 2013 IUI #1 with Follitism + Trigger
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Re: When did you know adoption was the right path?
It was a long, slow evolution.
I will admit, I was never one of those people who always felt like adoption was going to be a part of my life. I had experience with some foster moms when I was in my late 20s and thought that would be a cool thing to do somehwere wayyyy down the road. I had one conversation with DH when we were engaged about what we would do if we couldn't conceive (I was over 35 and had a feeling I would have trouble TTC). Adoption was an abstract concept at the time, but we didn't really think about it as part of our reality.
As we started to go through fertility treatments, and I had multiple m/c's, it started to become more of a concrete concept for us. But we were clueless about it. Totally clueless. I did a LOT of reading, and DH and I started doing more research. Around that time I started realizing I just wanted to be a mom, and I didn't have to have a baby come out of me for that to happen. DH and I set sort of a deadline where we'd focus less on IF treatments and more on adoption. The rest is history
It will be a process. It will be overwhelming. You'll start reading, and researching, and attending information sessions. You'll ask yourself some questions about which path you want to follow. You'll decide if it's for you, and what kind of adoption is for you. And then you'll go from there.
I am a religious person but I never felt a call from God. It just felt...right.
For me, I have always known I would adopt at some point in my life. I just always imagined doing it when I was older, rich (ha!) and had a few bio kids. Life does tend to see the plans you are making and laugh, doesn't it?
I had had a nagging feeling since I was a teenager that I would need assistance to become pregnant. And I was right! I was diagnosed with stage 4 endo, after trying to conceive unsuccessfully for almost 6 months. After a year of surgeries, 2 IUIs, and a failed IVF cycle, I was emotionally drained and exhausted. Not to mention our funds were depleting quickly. I felt very out of control of my own body, and we took a break to ttc without intervention. This became even more stressful and worse than IVF ever was, and it was affecting the intimacy in my marriage. I had a pretty severe breakdown and my husband just said "well, lets make adoption the new plan" it was as if my entire world got cleared of darkness and cobwebs.
I realized that there was absolutely no reason to be making adoption my plan B, when Plan A was simply to be a mother. For me it was never all that important that my children have part of my DNA, I just want us to be a family. I don't think I could have gotten here without trying IF treatments, because I would have wondered "what if" a lot, and that's not healthy. You have to really think about what decision you'd regret more, stopping treatments, or having them fail. I will say, that I am so much happier standing in front of this journey than I ever was in my R.E.s office!
I think when you know it's right, a sense of peace will come over you and you will simply be done with infertility. Keep in mind that even when you make the decision, you will greave this loss. Infertility is painful, and you will have sad days. It does not make adoption a second rate plan, but you do have to try and heal before you can commit yourself to 1 to 2 years of roller coaster emotions and paperwork that is adoption. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to adopt. I'm not sure where I originally got the idea since I didn't know anyone IRL that was adopted or had adopted. When my DH and I were engaged we talked about it and both wanted to adopt. As PPs said I also had a feeling having a baby wouldn't be easy for me, although I admit I never in a million years thought I'd have miscarriages. Before this journey I thought they were quite rare.
The losses were very hard on our hearts as well, and with each loss we would turn back to adoption. We were blessed with a healthy DS and so after the second loss even though originally we had decided to stop, we gave it one more try. With a third loss we were just so done.
Originally we wanted to do DIA, then adopt from foster care and now we are also considering international. It's definitely a process, and I've read a lot of good Info and this board has been a wonderful source of knowledge and support.
Since I'm a lesbian, I knew that I could try to have a birth child or that I could try to adopt. My partner and I made a few attempts at getting pregnant- but I was diagnosed with PCOS in my mid-20's and now, nearly 10 years later, my chances of conceiving were slim to none. As a queer woman, I also often felt that a family my partner and I created through choice would bring us closer together as a couple. I always felt that if I had gotten pregnant and successfully made it to term it would feel like "my" baby, rather than "our" baby. Especially because my partner would not have a biological connection to the child and I would. I really wanted to adopt because I felt like the process and the connection we'd build through working towards adoption would create a better sense of equality for us. Oh, and I've been saying I would adopt since I was about 6 years old. Not because I think it's a generous, good thing. Not because I think I'm giving a child a home who wouldn't otherwise have one (because I'm not, I'm pursuing Domestic Infant Adoption, and for every solitary Domestic Infant, there are something like 40 couples who want him/her). But simply, because once I figured out how babies were born I thought that I'd prefer to have my children in a different way.
M
Thank you ladies so much for your stories. As I was reading them, I felt like your thoughts and decisions were very similar to where I am right now.
FWIW, I also post/lurk on other boards and I have to say this is the most positive for me. It's like you have all found peace in your decision and you are excited to move forward. It really helps me realize that if I can't conceive or if I decide to stop trying it is not the end of the road. We will be parents and that is all that matters!
Best of luck to all of you
This is one of the least dramatic boards. I love it!