Pregnancy and Thoughts of Divorce

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

This is so hard for me....I have been thinking about this for some time but now that I am pregnant I just dont know if there is any other way!

My DH and I got Married this past March and his family has always been such a source of grief for us since we got together. I gave up my independence and entire life in Dallas and moved 400 miles away to BFE to be with this man. I thought that would mean something but it is becoming more and more evident that it does not. My husband is very devoted to his job which is a great thing but I dont feel like our family even holds a candle in comparison. He is gone all the time and not because he has to be but most of the time it is by choice. I resent his Job most days and it shows in my face and actions. I am not perfect and with the added hormones now it is even harder for me to bite my tongue these days.

I hate it! I also feel like he is less than interested in the fact that he is going to be a dad in June, although he says he is. He has made comments suggesting I am using the pregnancy as a crutch when it comes to smells and nausea and cleaning out the litter box or being so tired I cannot do anything. I walk around with my feelings hurt a lot. I work full time and take care of a 5yr old and the house and I still feel like he could care less.

Most days I feel completely alone even if he is here and spending time together is a joke...he is less than interested in that. I just dont feel the warmth and support I need or want and the only people I feel that are here for me are back home in the DFW area. I have talked to him and we have yelled and argued and I have cried and I dont feel like anything is changing or ever will.

I asked about counseling both couples and individual but his response is that I am the one that needs to talk to someone and that he is just fine! (not blowing up, he did say that word for word). I just dont know what to do and I dont want to bring a new baby into a home that is already crumbling out from underneath us.

Has anyone else felt like this what have you done if you have?

sheacox · December 2012

I have been married once before and it ended in divorce. We did try counseling. We did that for about 4 months. In the end we decided that we both were just going two different ways and it was best to get divorced. We did not have children so that part was easier. Counseling would be a great start. He has to want to go though. If he feels forced it won't work. Have you sat down and to,d him how serious this is? That you have thoughts of divorce? Maybe he doesn't realize how unhappy you are and if you told him he would be willing to at least try counseling. This is a very tough decision to not be taken lightly. My advice would be to sit down with him and have a very serious conversation. I wish you the best. This is the hardest thing to go through!

skio · December 2012

First, I want to give you a big fat hug. I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling the way you've been feeling.

I think baby steps are the answer. First, do go seek counseling yourself, because I think there are more issues behind your unhappiness than just your H, considering the move and all. It's normal to feel displaced and alone and there's nothing wrong with talking to someone about your feelings.

I also think it's definitely time to have a heart to heart with your H. Try to get a babysitter and go out, or have your son go to a friend's house and approach him in a calm, loving way. Tell him that you're feelings are hurt and that you're feeling alone and vulnerable. Don't blame him, just talk to him. Tell him you've decided to seek counseling for issues dealing with the move and loneliness, but tell him that you also feel neglected by him and need more emotional support. Ask him what he thinks you two can do to help reignite the fire. Propose date nights, or a weekend away, and let him come up with ideas, too. Let him see that this is what's better for both of you, and that it's not just about you needing help. You both need to want to make it work, and you both need to make the effort to make things better. Make sure you let him know that your relationship is a priority, and you need to feel that it is for him, too.

If he balked at going to couples therapy already, I'd wait it out a bit and try again later after you've sought your own help and have tried to work things out between yourselves. But do open the lines of communication; he needs to know that his actions are hurting you and that action is needed.

I wish you tons of luck.

lily_721 · December 2012

I think counseling would be a great idea. Understandably, you are alone all day and very lonely.

My DH works very much as well. It can be hard. I am the primary caregiver for my stepsons while working a very stressful job. My DH has always said his job is his #1 priority. This was very hard for me in the beginning until DH explained it as his job was his first priority because it was the means to taking care of us. Perhaps this is the same for your DH?

As for the pregnancy symptoms, has he been to your doctor? Maybe he needs a reality check. You should not touch the cat litter.

WifeofaComposer · December 2012

When I got pregnant with my DS#1, I was married to his dad. The day I told his dad that I was pregnant, he flipped his lid because he didn't want children, and we separated within a few hours. He didn't want me to be homeless while pregnant, so he let me stay in his house - I slept on the floor in the extra bedroom, and I paid him rent. When DS#1 was born, I continued to sleep on the floor of the room that became his. I worked from home, providing care for another little boy. One morning, when the boys were almost 2, the dad of that other boy showed up early, and walked in to find me sleeping on my son's floor. He was appalled and told me it was no way to live. He helped me find a new place to live, and he gave me a bed. He's still my friend, and he helped me get on my feet again. My divorce from DS#1's dad was very quick once we got the paperwork started, and we agreed on everything, so no attorneys got involved.

When my son was 3, I met my new husband, and my life is better than I ever imagined it could be!

If your marriage is suffering, your baby will be caught in the middle. Thankfully, my DS#1's dad and I can speak amicably, and he's very supportive of me, and he has accepted my husband as my son's stepfather. Tell your husband how you're feeling, because he may be feeling the same way. Your family will help you if he doesn't want to be involved with your child. If you can both agree, and part gracefully, there's no reason why your baby should be engulfed in turmoil.

Please send me a private message if you want to talk more - I'm okay with giving you my email or Facebook information. Your story seems very similar to the way my previous marriage was, and I want to help you know that everything will be alright. I'll be checking my inbox!

notquiteblushing · December 2012

Where does he go when he's not working? Can you go with him or make plans for the two of you to do things together? Can you get a babysitter? How does he treat your son? I think some of the changes you want to be made have to come from you as well as him. I hope things get better for you.

spolan · December 2012

I feel like I could have written that verbatim. I wish I had more advice for you, but you aren't alone. I'm happy to commiserate when/if you need to.

PortlandValentineBride · December 2012

Get yourself into private therapy. Unless he is abusing you in the many forms that takes on first trimester is not a good time to decide about a divorce.

I'm also old fashioned marriage is hard work and sacrifice. Were you married before? Where is your 5 year old's father? I wish you luck and urge you to seek counseling on your own and then maybe he will agree to couples therapy. Guys can feel very attacked in those settings.

MrsKatieW · December 2012

I don't have any advise to add, just wanted to say I'm sorry that this is going on right now. You'll be in my t&ps.

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

PortlandValentineBride:
Get yourself into private therapy. Unless he is abusing you in the many forms that takes on first trimester is not a good time to decide about a divorce. I'm also old fashioned marriage is hard work and sacrifice. Were you married before? Where is your 5 year old's father? I wish you luck and urge you to seek counseling on your own and then maybe he will agree to couples therapy. Guys can feel very attacked in those settings.

I dont want to get a divorce if I dont have to but I believe in putting children ahead of yourself and their happiness is of utmost importance to me. My childhood was hard. I spent more time raising my mother who had a very dangerous drug habit that I did being a kid and enjoying myself. I want my kids to never have to worry about adult struggles until they are adults themselves.

I have a 5 year old DD. I was 18 when I had her but had graduated high school worked 2 full time jobs and lived out of my parents home. Her father was very abusive both physically and mentally and had a very bad drug habit himself. I put up with it while I was pregnant so I didnt have to burden my Mom and step father, but left him when she was 4 days old because there was no way I was going to continue to allow him to act that way around his daughter. I went back home for 1 month was back at work 1wk and 4 days after she was born and until this year I have raised her alone with no support from him. He has chosen to not be a part of her life and has recently started paying the 45k he owes me in child support after a long stay in jail.

I agree that me talking to someone might allow me to look at things from more than just my angle....and may also be able to help me identify what issues I have from my early life that might be affecting me now and the choices that i make for myself and my daughter.

spolan · December 2012

Like I said, I definitely understand where you are coming from. We had huge fight last night about him taking off 2 weeks after LO is born. I will likely come back to Paris and live with his parents with DD until after baby gets the all clear to travel, but I will be hospitalized for a week and DD has never been away from me for longer than 4 hours. He doesn't want to lose that money.
That being said, I think therapy would be very beneficial to you as an individual. You've had a lot happen in your past and it would be totally normal for that to manifest in PTSD fight or flight form.

toomanycats1 · December 2012

As someone who has an admittedly "workaholic" husband, a 5 year old, and a new baby on the way, let me add a little perspective...

Men don't get as excited about babies as we do, especially this early. They worry about being a "provider" at this point, whereas we are more concerned with nurturing the growing baby. So for those of you that are fighting with your husbands because they are concerned about working and only seem to care about the money, please remember that it's still VERY early, and their opinions might change. Most men don't plan a month ahead, let alone 7! Also, the month before Christmas when everyone's spending is at it's highest is really not the time to start having arguments over money/time off. Save that battle for the spring.

My DH is gone ALOT. I knew this when I picked him though. He makes a great wage and loves his job, and I wouldn't make him change that for anything. It bothered me when DS was first born, but in order for him to have his crazy schedule, it meant I became a stay at home mom, which really helped. I was no longer overworked and tired myself, trying to take care of a baby alone at night...that was my job, to accommodate his job and his schedule. I've been much happier now, and we just make sure to take bi-yearly family vacations in order to re-connect. I understand that my husband works his butt off so we can have a secure lifestyle, and although it gets lonely sometimes, I appreciate him and the passion he has for his job. That said, he is very careful to be there for big events, like Christmas concerts, Parent/Teacher Interviews, Birthdays, etc.

I have moments too where I think it would be nice to have someone around more, but then I realize how lonely I would be without DH. His busy schedule is our only problem, and definitely not serious enough for us to get divorced over. Just make sure it's your honest feelings talking and not pregnancy hormones!

You also don't want to change who your DH is. Mine took a regular mill job in order to be home more. After 3 days I could tell it was killing him. He was a miserable, depressed person, and the passion he had for his job was gone. I honestly realized it wouldn't be worth having "THIS" person home all the time. Luckily, he was able to return to his old job and with an attitude adjustment from both of us, things work out pretty well now... we have less quantity of time, but more quality time.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I definitely think you should at least consider therapy first.

megaroo64 · December 2012

I don't have a lot of advice, but wanted you to know I was thinking about you. As many of the other ladies have said, I think getting yourself in to counseling is a good move. I was in counseling for awhile after some major life events, and it is so helpful to have someone that can get you some perspective without worrying about anyone but you.

I will be thinking of you and i wish you the best of luck.

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

nyahsbabyblues:
As someone who has an admittedly "workaholic" husband, a 5 year old, and a new baby on the way, let me add a little perspective...
Men don't get as excited about babies as we do, especially this early. They worry about being a "provider" at this point, whereas we are more concerned with nurturing the growing baby. So for those of you that are fighting with your husbands because they are concerned about working and only seem to care about the money, please remember that it's still VERY early, and their opinions might change. Most men don't plan a month ahead, let alone 7! Also, the month before Christmas when everyone's spending is at it's highest is really not the time to start having arguments over money/time off. Save that battle for the spring.
My DH is gone ALOT. I knew this when I picked him though. He makes a great wage and loves his job, and I wouldn't make him change that for anything. It bothered me when DS was first born, but in order for him to have his crazy schedule, it meant I became a stay at home mom, which really helped. I was no longer overworked and tired myself, trying to take care of a baby alone at night...that was my job, to accommodate his job and his schedule. I've been much happier now, and we just make sure to take bi-yearly family vacations in order to re-connect. I understand that my husband works his butt off so we can have a secure lifestyle, and although it gets lonely sometimes, I appreciate him and the passion he has for his job. That said, he is very careful to be there for big events, like Christmas concerts, Parent/Teacher Interviews, Birthdays, etc.
I have moments too where I think it would be nice to have someone around more, but then I realize how lonely I would be without DH. His busy schedule is our only problem, and definitely not serious enough for us to get divorced over. Just make sure it's your honest feelings talking and not pregnancy hormones!
You also don't want to change who your DH is. Mine took a regular mill job in order to be home more. After 3 days I could tell it was killing him. He was a miserable, depressed person, and the passion he had for his job was gone. I honestly realized it wouldn't be worth having "THIS" person home all the time. Luckily, he was able to return to his old job and with an attitude adjustment from both of us, things work out pretty well now... we have less quantity of time, but more quality time.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I definitely think you should at least consider therapy first.

I am going to choose to be a little bit defensive with some of the comments you made. When you said that Men do not get excited about pregnancy like women do and they are more focused on being a provider...I have to say that it is not about Money for us.....I work full time and we have chosen to live well below our means so pay check to pay check would not be a concern.....

I also am not expecting him to be excited and jump up and down about me being pregnant, but I would like a little more compassion and a little less degradation when it comes to my feelings and very apparent symptoms.

My husbands work ethic is great and I am proud that he loves his job but when he blatantly chooses work over family and raves about work and never about family it would be a bit much for most women to take.

He was not a workaholic when I started this relationship with him. He was working for a much slower paced company and was home much more often. It was not until after the wedding and honeymoon that he chose this new job.

I know that my hormones might make me more emotional but I know it is not the reason divorce is a serious thought at the moment. I am not quick to bail and never have been however while he is so happy and invested in his job, do I not deserve some of the same investment and happiness? I feel at this point in time that I have a ton of pressure on my shoulders and he should be helping me with this but its almost like I am invisible! Pretty sure that is not the hormones.

fefy2323 · December 2012

You got married in March, and already considering divorce? I hope you reconsider! I think you guys both need to sit and talk and express your feelings to him. And if you know he was this way when you married him and you made the decision to leave your family...then why do you feel different now? Just relax a little bit, and change the way you see things and things may get better if you start being more positive.

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

I promise I would not have uprooted my life just to be alone all the time. he was not this way when I said I do that is why I am so frustrated because this is not the man I signed up to be with. I am not perfect and have settled into the normal life roles as anyone should but I promise I would not even think about divorce if i didnt feel like I am at a brick wall.

notquiteblushing · December 2012

Can you give some examples? What have you tried to talk to him about specifically that he hasn't been responsive to? Do you expect him to be picking out baby toys when you still have 7 months of pregnancy to go? I just don't see the problem. My husband works a ton and we hardly ever talk about the pregnancy. There's not much to say yet. How has his behavior changed since you got pregnant? Was this pregnancy planned?

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

I have laid it out as plainly to him as I have to you ladies in my post. I have told him that I feel alone all the time and I still feel like I am a single parent bc he is never around. I have begged him to take me to the movies and he will agree then come up with some excuse or literally pick a fight the day of to get out. I have asked him for help around the house on any given day bc we both work full time and I am also busy with DD and him running the vacuum or starting a load of laundry or not throwing his dirty jeans in the middle of the dining room floor would really help me out....his response.....your the wife, you should do it....I am busy doing something else. I have not even tried to pick anything out for the baby and I am again not expecting him to be jumping up and down about it I know that men are not built that way. But my 1st tri has been terrible for the 11wks that I have been pregnant. Not being able to eat, or sleep, Sick all the time at all hours (Zofran has not helped much) pure and utter exhaustion ( to the point where I am starting to fall asleep behind the wheel on the drive home from work). I am going through all of this and it is taking its toll for sure....Instead of helping me out with DD or dinner or the house or just letting me go to bed, he is yelling at me saying I am making it all up bc I felt fine during my 1st pregnancy with DD. He says I am using my pregnancy as a crutch to get out of everything....He has been totally insensitive to everything. He was not this way ever. We both wanted this baby...we planned this we tried to get pregnant. He was so excited when we found out he couldnt wait to tell everyone that same day! Now he acts like he could care less! He has had his asswhole moments before pregnancy but I blew him off or snapped right back and now I just feel beat down and fed up.

Does that help you see where I am coming from. I have sat him down just the two of us and have spoken to him in a normal tone of voice to explain how I feel and how upset and frustrated I am. Those conversations end with me in tears and he is pissed off!

notquiteblushing · December 2012

Southernsunflower2012:
I have laid it out as plainly to him as I have to you ladies in my post. I have told him that I feel alone all the time and I still feel like I am a single parent bc he is never around. I have begged him to take me to the movies and he will agree then come up with some excuse or literally pick a fight the day of to get out. I have asked him for help around the house on any given day bc we both work full time and I am also busy with DD and him running the vacuum or starting a load of laundry or not throwing his dirty jeans in the middle of the dining room floor would really help me out....his response.....your the wife, you should do it....I am busy doing something else. I have not even tried to pick anything out for the baby and I am again not expecting him to be jumping up and down about it I know that men are not built that way. But my 1st tri has been terrible for the 11wks that I have been pregnant. Not being able to eat, or sleep, Sick all the time at all hours (Zofran has not helped much) pure and utter exhaustion ( to the point where I am starting to fall asleep behind the wheel on the drive home from work). I am going through all of this and it is taking its toll for sure....Instead of helping me out with DD or dinner or the house or just letting me go to bed, he is yelling at me saying I am making it all up bc I felt fine during my 1st pregnancy with DD. He says I am using my pregnancy as a crutch to get out of everything....He has been totally insensitive to everything. He was not this way ever. We both wanted this baby...we planned this we tried to get pregnant. He was so excited when we found out he couldnt wait to tell everyone that same day! Now he acts like he could care less! He has had his asswhole moments before pregnancy but I blew him off or snapped right back and now I just feel beat down and fed up.
Does that help you see where I am coming from. I have sat him down just the two of us and have spoken to him in a normal tone of voice to explain how I feel and how upset and frustrated I am. Those conversations end with me in tears and he is pissed off!

I'm sorry but I would leave him in hot minute just for saying that. Pack up your stuff and move back home. Screw him. You're not his maid.

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

notquiteblushing:
Southernsunflower2012:
I have laid it out as plainly to him as I have to you ladies in my post. I have told him that I feel alone all the time and I still feel like I am a single parent bc he is never around. I have begged him to take me to the movies and he will agree then come up with some excuse or literally pick a fight the day of to get out. I have asked him for help around the house on any given day bc we both work full time and I am also busy with DD and him running the vacuum or starting a load of laundry or not throwing his dirty jeans in the middle of the dining room floor would really help me out....his response.....your the wife, you should do it....I am busy doing something else. I have not even tried to pick anything out for the baby and I am again not expecting him to be jumping up and down about it I know that men are not built that way. But my 1st tri has been terrible for the 11wks that I have been pregnant. Not being able to eat, or sleep, Sick all the time at all hours (Zofran has not helped much) pure and utter exhaustion ( to the point where I am starting to fall asleep behind the wheel on the drive home from work). I am going through all of this and it is taking its toll for sure....Instead of helping me out with DD or dinner or the house or just letting me go to bed, he is yelling at me saying I am making it all up bc I felt fine during my 1st pregnancy with DD. He says I am using my pregnancy as a crutch to get out of everything....He has been totally insensitive to everything. He was not this way ever. We both wanted this baby...we planned this we tried to get pregnant. He was so excited when we found out he couldnt wait to tell everyone that same day! Now he acts like he could care less! He has had his asswhole moments before pregnancy but I blew him off or snapped right back and now I just feel beat down and fed up.
Does that help you see where I am coming from. I have sat him down just the two of us and have spoken to him in a normal tone of voice to explain how I feel and how upset and frustrated I am. Those conversations end with me in tears and he is pissed off!
I'm sorry but I would leave him in hot minute just for saying that. Pack up your stuff and move back home. Screw him. You're not his maid.

But he is not always like that! He has just been acting stupid for the past several weeks! But with this and all of the crap I have put up with since I moved up here I just am starting to feel like i cannot win for loosing. He was not this guy when I married him. And the hardest part is I have been completely open and honest with him about how I am feeling bc I am not one to just keep quiet. I have no problem voicing my opinions and feelings. But I dont want there to be this gap in communication so I keep trying to be honest with him. i just dont understand why he is being like this.

kaleyandjason · December 2012

nyahsbabyblues:
As someone who has an admittedly "workaholic" husband, a 5 year old, and a new baby on the way, let me add a little perspective...Men don't get as excited about babies as we do, especially this early. nbsp;They worry about being a "provider" at this point, whereas we are more concerned with nurturing the growing baby. nbsp;So for those of you that are fighting with your husbands because they are concerned about working and only seem to care about the money, please remember that it's still VERY early, and their opinions might change. nbsp;Most men don't plan a month ahead, let alone 7! nbsp;Also, the month before Christmas when everyone's spending is at it's highest is really not the time to start having arguments over money/time off. nbsp;Save that battle for the spring.My DH is gone ALOT. nbsp;I knew this when I picked him though. nbsp;He makes a great wage and loves his job, and I wouldn't make him change that for anything. nbsp;It bothered me when DS was first born, but in order for him to have his crazy schedule, it meant I became a stay at home mom, which really helped. nbsp;I was no longer overworked and tired myself, trying to take care of a baby alone at night...that was my job, to accommodate his job and his schedule. nbsp;I've been much happier now, and we just make sure to take biyearly family vacations in order to reconnect. nbsp;I understand that my husband works his butt off so we can have a secure lifestyle, and although it gets lonely sometimes, I appreciate him and the passion he has for his job. nbsp;That said, he is very careful to be there for big events, like Christmas concerts, Parent/Teacher Interviews, Birthdays, etc.I have moments too where I think it would be nice to have someone around more, but then I realize how lonely I would be without DH. nbsp;His busy schedule is our only problem, and definitely not serious enough for us to get divorced over. nbsp;Just make sure it's your honest feelings talking and not pregnancy hormones!You also don't want to change who your DH is. nbsp;Mine took a regular mill job in order to be home more. nbsp;After 3 days I could tell it was killing him. nbsp;He was a miserable, depressed person, and the passion he had for his job was gone. nbsp;I honestly realized it wouldn't be worth having "THIS" person home all the time. Luckily, he was able to return to his old job and with an attitude adjustment from both of us, things work out pretty well now... we have less quantity of time, but more quality time. nbsp;Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I definitely think you should at least consider therapy first. nbsp;nbsp;

I think you stated this very well. I am also anxious to know whether or not this pregnancy was planned. Maybe he is frustrated because he wasn't ready for another child yet.

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

kaleyandjason:
nyahsbabyblues:
As someone who has an admittedly "workaholic" husband, a 5 year old, and a new baby on the way, let me add a little perspective...Men don't get as excited about babies as we do, especially this early. nbsp;They worry about being a "provider" at this point, whereas we are more concerned with nurturing the growing baby. nbsp;So for those of you that are fighting with your husbands because they are concerned about working and only seem to care about the money, please remember that it's still VERY early, and their opinions might change. nbsp;Most men don't plan a month ahead, let alone 7! nbsp;Also, the month before Christmas when everyone's spending is at it's highest is really not the time to start having arguments over money/time off. nbsp;Save that battle for the spring.My DH is gone ALOT. nbsp;I knew this when I picked him though. nbsp;He makes a great wage and loves his job, and I wouldn't make him change that for anything. nbsp;It bothered me when DS was first born, but in order for him to have his crazy schedule, it meant I became a stay at home mom, which really helped. nbsp;I was no longer overworked and tired myself, trying to take care of a baby alone at night...that was my job, to accommodate his job and his schedule. nbsp;I've been much happier now, and we just make sure to take biyearly family vacations in order to reconnect. nbsp;I understand that my husband works his butt off so we can have a secure lifestyle, and although it gets lonely sometimes, I appreciate him and the passion he has for his job. nbsp;That said, he is very careful to be there for big events, like Christmas concerts, Parent/Teacher Interviews, Birthdays, etc.I have moments too where I think it would be nice to have someone around more, but then I realize how lonely I would be without DH. nbsp;His busy schedule is our only problem, and definitely not serious enough for us to get divorced over. nbsp;Just make sure it's your honest feelings talking and not pregnancy hormones!You also don't want to change who your DH is. nbsp;Mine took a regular mill job in order to be home more. nbsp;After 3 days I could tell it was killing him. nbsp;He was a miserable, depressed person, and the passion he had for his job was gone. nbsp;I honestly realized it wouldn't be worth having "THIS" person home all the time. Luckily, he was able to return to his old job and with an attitude adjustment from both of us, things work out pretty well now... we have less quantity of time, but more quality time. nbsp;Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I definitely think you should at least consider therapy first. nbsp;nbsp;
I think you stated this very well. I am also anxious to know whether or not this pregnancy was planned. Maybe he is frustrated because he wasn't ready for another child yet.

He was with me when we made and went to the apt to have my Mirena taken out. we talked about having more children because my daughter needed a sibling and he wanted a biological child. It was talked out and he was even disappointed each month that I got my period and did not turn up pregnant. It took us 6 months to conceive and he was almost more excited than I was when we got the BFP.

Def planned pregnancy....

kaleyandjason · December 2012

Southernsunflower2012:
kaleyandjason:
nyahsbabyblues:
As someone who has an admittedly "workaholic" husband, a 5 year old, and a new baby on the way, let me add a little perspective...Men don't get as excited about babies as we do, especially this early. nbsp;They worry about being a "provider" at this point, whereas we are more concerned with nurturing the growing baby. nbsp;So for those of you that are fighting with your husbands because they are concerned about working and only seem to care about the money, please remember that it's still VERY early, and their opinions might change. nbsp;Most men don't plan a month ahead, let alone 7! nbsp;Also, the month before Christmas when everyone's spending is at it's highest is really not the time to start having arguments over money/time off. nbsp;Save that battle for the spring.My DH is gone ALOT. nbsp;I knew this when I picked him though. nbsp;He makes a great wage and loves his job, and I wouldn't make him change that for anything. nbsp;It bothered me when DS was first born, but in order for him to have his crazy schedule, it meant I became a stay at home mom, which really helped. nbsp;I was no longer overworked and tired myself, trying to take care of a baby alone at night...that was my job, to accommodate his job and his schedule. nbsp;I've been much happier now, and we just make sure to take biyearly family vacations in order to reconnect. nbsp;I understand that my husband works his butt off so we can have a secure lifestyle, and although it gets lonely sometimes, I appreciate him and the passion he has for his job. nbsp;That said, he is very careful to be there for big events, like Christmas concerts, Parent/Teacher Interviews, Birthdays, etc.I have moments too where I think it would be nice to have someone around more, but then I realize how lonely I would be without DH. nbsp;His busy schedule is our only problem, and definitely not serious enough for us to get divorced over. nbsp;Just make sure it's your honest feelings talking and not pregnancy hormones!You also don't want to change who your DH is. nbsp;Mine took a regular mill job in order to be home more. nbsp;After 3 days I could tell it was killing him. nbsp;He was a miserable, depressed person, and the passion he had for his job was gone. nbsp;I honestly realized it wouldn't be worth having "THIS" person home all the time. Luckily, he was able to return to his old job and with an attitude adjustment from both of us, things work out pretty well now... we have less quantity of time, but more quality time. nbsp;Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I definitely think you should at least consider therapy first. nbsp;nbsp;

I think you stated this very well. I am also anxious to know whether or not this pregnancy was planned. Maybe he is frustrated because he wasn't ready for another child yet.
He was with me when we made and went to the apt to have my Mirena taken out. we talked about having more children because my daughter needed a sibling and he wanted a biological child. It was talked out and he was even disappointed each month that I got my period and did not turn up pregnant. It took us 6 months to conceive and he was almost more excited than I was when we got the BFP.
Def planned pregnancy....

Well, I am very sorry you are going through this. It is so weird that he was so excited before but now he isn't. That's a big change in just a few weeks. Has he had problems being mentally unstable in the past? Where does he go when he isn't working? Is it possible he could be involved in drugs? I am just trying to cover all the possible bases. Maybe if he sees you going to therapy it will be a wake up call. Best of luck.

toomanycats1 · December 2012

OP, I'm sorry my post made you defensive, but I was trying to tell you MY experience since it is so similar to yours. I've been married for 7 years now, and have definitely been there, done that. I've experience my husband not seeming like he's terribly excited about the baby we are expecting, but I then saw him step in right after he was born and become the most involved father I have ever seen. He is a Mr. Mom, and I wouldn't trade him for anything.

I grew up in a single parent household, and while I don't think you stay together for the kids sake, I definitely believe you need to give it more of a shot than you seem to be. Your DH was a great enough father figure that you married him and brought him into your daughter's life, and I think you need to wait a bit before you start thinking of divorce. You said you need to do what's right for the kids, and moving on to a new relationship would be a mistake right now. If you do decide to leave your DH, I hope you would take some time to be alone for a bit and just focus on the kids.

DD's father may have disappeared, but your DH might not, so it may not be as simple as just packing up and leaving to go live out of state with your parents. He has a right to be a father, and just because you don't think he seems interested right now, doesn't mean he's not and won't make custody difficult.

Oh, and my "Mr. Mom" husband is happy about the baby, but he doesn't bring it up and act excited all the time, and honestly neither do I. We still have months to go, and it doesn't mean we won't be more excited later on when it's more "real".

Marriage isn't easy, and maybe it's just that you're losing that "Honeymoon Phase" of your marriage. Get defensive all you want, but I don't think you'd really be all that happy if everyone's response to your post was "dump that a$$hole!".

We aren't in your relationship and if your DH is a jerk and you think it's damaging to the kids and yourself then by all means get out. But don't ask a public forum for advice and then get angry when people try to help you.

All I offered is that it might get better, and I stand by that.... it might.

Southernsunflower2012 · December 2012

kaleyandjason:
Southernsunflower2012:
kaleyandjason:
nyahsbabyblues:
As someone who has an admittedly "workaholic" husband, a 5 year old, and a new baby on the way, let me add a little perspective...Men don't get as excited about babies as we do, especially this early. nbsp;They worry about being a "provider" at this point, whereas we are more concerned with nurturing the growing baby. nbsp;So for those of you that are fighting with your husbands because they are concerned about working and only seem to care about the money, please remember that it's still VERY early, and their opinions might change. nbsp;Most men don't plan a month ahead, let alone 7! nbsp;Also, the month before Christmas when everyone's spending is at it's highest is really not the time to start having arguments over money/time off. nbsp;Save that battle for the spring.My DH is gone ALOT. nbsp;I knew this when I picked him though. nbsp;He makes a great wage and loves his job, and I wouldn't make him change that for anything. nbsp;It bothered me when DS was first born, but in order for him to have his crazy schedule, it meant I became a stay at home mom, which really helped. nbsp;I was no longer overworked and tired myself, trying to take care of a baby alone at night...that was my job, to accommodate his job and his schedule. nbsp;I've been much happier now, and we just make sure to take biyearly family vacations in order to reconnect. nbsp;I understand that my husband works his butt off so we can have a secure lifestyle, and although it gets lonely sometimes, I appreciate him and the passion he has for his job. nbsp;That said, he is very careful to be there for big events, like Christmas concerts, Parent/Teacher Interviews, Birthdays, etc.I have moments too where I think it would be nice to have someone around more, but then I realize how lonely I would be without DH. nbsp;His busy schedule is our only problem, and definitely not serious enough for us to get divorced over. nbsp;Just make sure it's your honest feelings talking and not pregnancy hormones!You also don't want to change who your DH is. nbsp;Mine took a regular mill job in order to be home more. nbsp;After 3 days I could tell it was killing him. nbsp;He was a miserable, depressed person, and the passion he had for his job was gone. nbsp;I honestly realized it wouldn't be worth having "THIS" person home all the time. Luckily, he was able to return to his old job and with an attitude adjustment from both of us, things work out pretty well now... we have less quantity of time, but more quality time. nbsp;Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I definitely think you should at least consider therapy first. nbsp;nbsp;
I think you stated this very well. I am also anxious to know whether or not this pregnancy was planned. Maybe he is frustrated because he wasn't ready for another child yet.
He was with me when we made and went to the apt to have my Mirena taken out. we talked about having more children because my daughter needed a sibling and he wanted a biological child. It was talked out and he was even disappointed each month that I got my period and did not turn up pregnant. It took us 6 months to conceive and he was almost more excited than I was when we got the BFP.
Def planned pregnancy....
Well, I am very sorry you are going through this. It is so weird that he was so excited before but now he isn't. That's a big change in just a few weeks. Has he had problems being mentally unstable in the past? Where does he go when he isn't working? Is it possible he could be involved in drugs? I am just trying to cover all the possible bases. Maybe if he sees you going to therapy it will be a wake up call. Best of luck.

He is always piddling with something or goes to help someone with some kind of farm work or cattle biz. He is very social all the time. when he goes into town to get gas or something it usually takes him an hour bc he starts talking to someone he knows. Drugs is not even a thought in my mind. I can without a doubt say i will never have to worry about that with him which is one of the reasons I married him bc I knew he would be different than what I always knew. He wont even try weed...plus his job randoms all the time and I know he would never chance it.

I cant help but think that maybe he is scared?? New baby, New responsibilities, new expectations and pressure? But he should be able to tell me those things right?

toomanycats1 · December 2012

In an ideal world he SHOULD be able to tell you about his feelings, but some men really suck at that. Feelings/talking are a woman's thing... actions are a man's thing. Did he talk to you much about the wedding and how excited he was to get married? If it's just this he's quiet about, then maybe you have a point?

emolm · December 2012

Without going into all the details, I harbored quite a bit of resentment through my last pregnancy bc I was so piissed about living in bfe ALONE while my husband was out of town for work. He was seriously gone 7 months total and missed everything but the conception and the birth. I had also just gotten out of the military and was trying to adjust to life as a wife and full time student while bring pregnant too.
I totally felt how you do right now.

Anyways, after I sucked it up, went to counseling, and did some soul searching it turned out that I was the problem in our marriage. Buuttttt through many conversations with my husband we learned more and more about what the other person needs to feel loved and have spent the last couple years focusing on trying to do those things for each other while overlooking many of our crappy personality traits.

We also occasionally go to marriage counseling bc we hit a particularly rough patch post baby that involved my self esteem and his sense of manliness.

One of the points I'm trying to make is that no one is perfect and while you definitely aren't to blame perhaps you should try looking inward and fixing qualities about yourself that might not be super stellar as well as talking to him openly and honestly and kindly.

That said I agree with pp. if my husband said it was my job to pick up after him I would be gone.

Assuming you're still in Texas. Are you close to NM? That seems to be where the poopy parts of Texas are.

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