April 2013 Moms

Houseguests..

My DH has a large immediate family of 6 ppl vs mine of 2. We were visiting them today and MIL was mentioning them all coming for a week when LO gets here. And staying with us. I told her they can come after 6 weeks and she looked at me like I was a demon.....she also doesnt want to stay at a hotel. They then started talking French to my DH asking him when my mom was coming and he lied and said he didnt know.....even though my mom is coming the week the baby gets here. She said if my mom can come she can come and she isnt waiting 6 weeks. Am I crazy for thinking they mom and MIL arent on the same level and I dont want 6 ppl in my house. WWYD??

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Re: Houseguests..

  • PS both sets of parents would be traveling from FL to GA.

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  • The french speaking thing was a dickmove.

    Op, we have a very specific thing we do in this awkward situations:  Commit to Nothing and Speak in Vagaries.

     It has gotten us through nosy or pushy family members, through wedding planning, everything.

    if someone (MIL) tries to ambush me or the hubs into something, we commit to NOTHING at the time and just give a vague, noncommittal response.

     Then later, in privacy, you and your H get on the same page and responds and as a team.

    And six house guests after giving birth?  Nofuckings way.

     

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  • I don't think you are crazy at all.  There was only one thing I adamantly put my foot down about before DD was born...and that was that any family could come visit, but that they would have to stay at a hotel, and that I didn't want any guests until at least 1 week after the baby was here. Neither of our families live in town either, so when they visit its usually extended stay.  No WAY was I happy with the idea of having houseguests for an extended stay while I was trying to recover and get the hang of BF and all the other newborn routines.  I told them I of course wanted them to meet their new grandbaby, but to please space out the 'help' they all wanted to offer and come after MH went back to work.

    Fortunately, our parents both respected my wish and if they didn't like the idea or setup, at least never complained to me about it.  My in-laws came first for 4 days, then my parents arrived the next day for 4 days.  They split the cost of an extended stay hotel room that had a kitchenette in it.

    Best decision ever.  

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  • imagemypalbabs:

    The french speaking thing was a dickmove.

    Op, we have a very specific thing we do in this awkward situations:  Commit to Nothing and Speak in Vagaries.

     It has gotten us through nosy or pushy family members, through wedding planning, everything.

    if someone (MIL) tries to ambush me or the hubs into something, we commit to NOTHING at the time and just give a vague, noncommittal response.

     Then later, in privacy, you and your H get on the same page and responds and as a team.

    And six house guests after giving birth?  Nofuckings way.

     

    All of this! Couldnt have said it better. 

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  • A. Where in the world are 6 people going to stay in your house? I think it's rude of them to assume that they would be staying in your house!
    B. I do not want to share the after birth week or so with anyone, let alone MIL. Mothers are totally on a different level when it comes to this.
    C. Speaking in a different language in front of you? I'm assuming you don't speak French, so this is her rude way of excluding you from the conversation.... yeah, way to go MIL. That's totes how to score points with the DIL.
    D. I really didn't want anyone holding DS except DH and I. We need bonding time! 6 people in the house that are all going to want to be holding, not going to fly.
  • imagemypalbabs:

    The french speaking thing was a dickmove.

    Op, we have a very specific thing we do in this awkward situations:  Commit to Nothing and Speak in Vagaries.

     It has gotten us through nosy or pushy family members, through wedding planning, everything.

    if someone (MIL) tries to ambush me or the hubs into something, we commit to NOTHING at the time and just give a vague, noncommittal response.

     Then later, in privacy, you and your H get on the same page and responds and as a team.

    And six house guests after giving birth?  Nofuckings way.

     

    This exactly. 

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    // I love you too. //

  • I feel bad for talking about them because I know they mean well but it annoys me. Who knows where they are going to stay maybe on the roof. We live in a 2/2. She normally speaks French in front of me unless she is talking to me because her English isn't good but this time I think she did it to ask about my mom. My mom will be there when the baby comes home to help since i'm having a C section but I don't want them or MIL there until i'm comfortable. I don't like her cooking and I'm not going to be comfortable being in such close quarters like I would be with my mom. I feel like a B because I can't think of any way to explain this to them. Hopefully she will drop it. The 6 ppl would be my DH younger brothers and sisters...age ranges 19, 16, 8, nephew and FIL....ughhhhhh. Okay vent over I'm happy you guys let me know I am not crazy.

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  • imageMsAmeera25:
    I feel bad for talking about them because I know they mean well but it annoys me. Who knows where they are going to stay maybe on the roof. We live in a 2/2. She normally speaks French in front of me unless she is talking to me because her English isn't good but this time I think she did it to ask about my mom. My mom will be there when the baby comes home to help since i'm having a C section but I don't want them or MIL there until i'm comfortable. I don't like her cooking and I'm not going to be comfortable being in such close quarters like I would be with my mom. I feel like a B because I can't think of any way to explain this to them. Hopefully she will drop it. The 6 ppl would be my DH younger brothers and sisters...age ranges 19, 16, 8, nephew and FIL....ughhhhhh. Okay vent over I'm happy you guys let me know I am not crazy.

    It's not likely she'll drop it, but it doesn't hurt to hold out hope for a little while...just be prepared to have to weather that conflict, and to do so well in time.  Last minute shizz ain't fun when you're about to pop with baby.

    On the subject of comfort level with MIL, I get that.  Your relationship with MIL just isn't like that.  That's the case for a lot of women.  And since you're the one who's going to be birthing this kid and rec'ing from major surgery I think it's fair for your mom to be there instead of your MIL simply because your mom will put you at ease in a way MIL cannot.  This is, I think, a reasonable time to pull the "I'm birthing the baby, I get to choose" moment, if push comes to shove.

    BUT, talk it over with your H first, for sure.  Try to get on the same page.  Try to give dimming the drama a fair chance, you know? 

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  • Hell to the no you aren't wrong! Put your foot down.

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  • My parents and inlaws both live out of state.  My mom told me that they would come when I want them to, but actually suggested I take a week or two to recover and bond with the baby before they come to help out.

    She also added, "I know this is bad, but I want to be the first grandma to see the baby. We'll visit when you're ready for us...but I hope that is before Steve's parents come out!"  I figure that can be arranged, as I want her to be the first to visit, too.  My MIL is great, but she isn't my mom.

    Oh, and they will all DEFINITELY be staying in a hotel.  

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  • I just had brought up this same issue with my husband the other day. We have not made a formal announcement yet to our families. We are waiting until the beginning of January to let them know (but we told his mom right away and swore her to secrecy). My hubby warned me that once his side of his family find out, they will basically come from Florida to Georgia, we're we live, en masse to see our twins once they are born. Even though we only told his his mom, she straight up "offered" to quit her job and move in with us right away to "help", which we vetoed as soon as the words fell out of her mouth. It's a long story with his mom... but that's for another day.

    Anyway, I had to put my foot down and tell the hubby that because of us having twins soon and there may be a chance of me having a c-section, I don't want to come home to a house full of folk that I barely know when I'm trying to recover from giving birth, I don't want to be on display when I'm trying to BF in the comfort of my own home and esp. when we need our private time to bond and create a routine for our growing family. If they do want to come visit, it will have to be a month after the babies get here and they are responsible for finding their own lodgings. The only person that I wanted to stay with us in the first week is my best friend because I know she would actually help me out with cooking and other things if I needed it. Hubby was miffed about it and said it wasn't "fair". But I said to him, "I don't have my mom. She passed away. I have no sisters and she's the closest thing to a sister I have." Eventually he understood, but I did tell that I didn't have a problem with his mom staying at our place a month after the babies get here... just not the hoards of relatives.

    So stand your ground. You are not crazy for feeling the way you do. You and your mom have a bond where you feel comfortable and you trust her because of it, which is not what you have with your MIL. And it shows on MIL's part that the closeness is not there because she was rude to you right in front of your husband. 

  • We went through this exact same thing with my inlaws. He eventually caved, despite my insistence that they not stay with us. It was a disaster. Nothing like having a colicky newborn, your FIL not understanding that you are uncomfortable having him in the room while you breastfeed pretty much nonstop despite his insistence that it's ok because HE is comfortable and having to deal with their complaints that your house is a mess, you don't have the baby on a schedule, etc. My husband now says that he will never be letting that happen again. My advice is to hold your ground. Sure, it could work out fine, but better to err on the side of caution in my opinion.
  • YIKES!

    I totally agree with everything Babs said.

    There is no was in HELL I'd want 6 houseguests right after baby (or ever if it's for a whole week). You need to get comfortable and bond with your baby... NOT be worried about 6 adults.

    I've said absolute NO to any guests (staying over I mean). My dad and step mom live around the corner and that's close enough to help. Stay firm and get your H to back you up - I think you're 100% in the right.

  • I agree with most of what was already said. Except for the pp who said be vague. In my situation anyways with my family(not my in-laws, who are pretty good about giving people their personal space) you have to be VERY specific in telling them what you want, especially if it is what they do not want to hear. For example...

    My parents were transferred to Australia for 3 years a couple of years ago(in Feb they will have 1 year left there). When my mom found out I was pregnant, she was excited then upset that I waited until she was gone to have the baby(which is not true, this was not planned...but try to tell her that). She immediately started trying to convince my dad to change the vacation they were planning on having that year (a 30 anniversary cruise to Hawaii) to staying at my house for a month. Which I do not want. I'm not saying that I won't need help, but I do not want them to stay here for a month. I took a lot to convince her to compromise and not to cancel the Hawaii cruise (to my dad's relief) and just come and visit us before or after the trip. Now, I know that she knows how to take care of kids and I'd appreciate the help but we have no space for her to stay here. They still have their house here, it is like 45 minutes away. I told her that she could either stay at her own home and visit us at decent times (with appropriate warning-she used to just drop by at times in which she was not welcome-like I said...personal space issues) or stay in a hotel, because I didn't want her to sleep on our couch and we only have one bed which I am not giving up after the birth. She took that to mean that the couch was an option. So there were discussions about that. I am pretty sure that we will have to have another talk soon because my mom seems to think that since she is not the parent whenever she is there, she can have the baby 24/7 and raise her however she sees fit...and I know that some of our parenting is going to be very different then hers. In fact, I am doing some things different than her because I don't agree with some of the ways that they raised us. sigh* I'm pretty sure that there will still be issues when they get here, but at least she will know where I stand and not be "surprised" when something does not go the way she wants. 

    We had the same issues with a lot of aspects of the wedding. This is where I learned that I need to be nice, but incredibly specific when they are involved, or they will do whatever they want and say "Oh, I thought you meant..." or "I thought it was ok". And then it is too late and they are on your doorstep with no place else to stay. I mean, maybe your family is different. My husband's is. But being vague is not always the way to go. Good luck!

  • Just to clarify, are you telling her she can't come meet LO at all until 6 weeks or just not stay with you for 6 weeks?

    I had a similar issue with mine but I told them they are welcome to come right after baby arrives BUT they will stay in a hotel and only visit for a few hours each day after. They weren't happy but accepted. They would have been livid if I told them thy couldn't meet their grandchild for 6 weeks...

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  • She wont make the trip alone....so if she is bringing the whole family then yes she needs to wait 6 weeks. i dont mind her coming alone the first few weeks. But she has already said she wont travel alone.

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  • imageMsAmeera25:
    She wont make the trip alone....so if she is bringing the whole family then yes she needs to wait 6 weeks. i dont mind her coming alone the first few weeks. But she has already said she wont travel alone.

    You gave her an option to let her come once the baby is here.  She just didn't choose it.  It's unfair of her to expect you to host 6 houseguests with a new baby, after a C-section (plus your mom will be there).  Now if they were staying at a hotel and coming over here and there, that's a different story.  I guess maybe have your DH give her the options again, reminding her that she's allowed to come early but she just doesn't want to come alone.   

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  • I'm mostly on your side.  I just want to add something.

    Mom def. does not = MIL to you or me, but they do = the same thing to baby.  I would feel bad telling her she couldn't come when my mom was.  I would def. tell her that she has to leave the other family members back home until much later. Hospital room and your bathroom type helps can be all mom only (or with DH, or DH only, whatever), but baby stuff you should share with MIL too.

    Maybe I'm just saying that because my MIL hasn't asked yet though.  I'm assuming she'll want me to drive to the TN mountains to see her with a 3 day old or something of that nature. 

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  • I am having a SOMEWHAT similar issue, though not as extreme. My mom lives in town, but I definitely want her to stay with us some after the baby comes and helps. Of course, I want my MIL to meet her grandson and be able to spend time wtih him... but I am NOT entertaining and hosting her at my home when I just got home from the hospital, am sore, am learning how to breastfeed, staying up all night, etc. I told her that she could stay at my parents' house or a hotel. She's made some comments like, "OH, we want to stay with the BABY! We're going to stay with the BABY!"

    Maybe it's "not fair," but I don't give a sh!t. It's going to be a new and overwhelming time, and while I will try to involve my MIL as much as possible, she has to learn boundaries now. I need to do what's best for me and my little family.

    And 6 people is totally out of the question. Lay down boundaries. I would say, "You're so welcome to come meet the baby and spend time with us, but with everything that will be going on, I'm going to need you to stay at a hotel." I think that's a fair compromise. 

    Amanda

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