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Blended Families
Question about step-parent adoption.
My ex is Bug's bio-dad. He has abandoned Bug and hasn't paid child support in months. I have a feeling it wouldn't be too hard for DH to adopt him, but since my ex's parenting rights have been reserved, not terminated, he might contest the adoption just to piss me off. What are your experiences with this?
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Re: Question about step-parent adoption.
My DH adopted his Ex-w's daughter. Obviously, they are now divorced. Would you still be willing to allow your DH to have visitation, holidays, sharing of your child and all of the parenting decisions in the event that you two divorced? What would happen if your DH cheated on you and that caused the divorce?
Not trying to be pessimistic but there are so many different things to think of. DH's Ex-W began an affair 2 days after my H and her were married. She ended up leaving my H and married this guy. My H is legally her father, however, BM's now husband (not new since this was 4 years ago) is her "father" for all intensive purposes. We pay CS every month, which is all BM really wanted when she married my H.
Good luck to you.
I know your question was for the OP but I'm answering anyway b/c I had the same question and want to do the same thing. For us, my ds will always know who his biological dad is but he is also the age where he knows what a real dad is and he knows that's what my dh is to him. If something happened between us, he'd still be his legal dad, but for us the most important thing is if something happens to me my dh will take care of him and he will not go to his BD. My DS and I have already discussed that his dad doesn't have the skills to parent, and DS wants to stay with DH if something happened and I wasn't in the picture. He doesn't mind occasionally visiting his BD, but he knows his quality of life will be much better with us(or just DH if something happened to me).
Even if we were to divorce my husband is still my sons dad. Maybe not biologically but in every important way imaginable. I am almost 6 months pregnant with our daughter and my husband will be dad daddy and father to BOTH of my children.
saram-great answer:) I wish your family the best! I think that you and your husband sound wonderful for thinking about this and chosing to confront a possibility vs not talking about it.
I had an engagement of 8 years break up and afterward my ex was taking pictures off the walls and made my life heck for years and years afterward.
I think it's fine and well to say you don't care if you get divorced you would still want to be legally tied to the person through uour child but that's a little short sighted. When I think how emotional I got over the division of my home and other material items I cannot imagine going through that over my child with someone who is not biologically linked.
The problem is you have a deadbeat dad. The solution is not to find a new dad it's to engage the old one. Yiur dh an be an amazing father figure and if he is then he will stay involved no matter what happens to your relationship you dont need to make it a legal process. That's my two cents though
In most states it takes more than a few months of no contact to petition for the termination of parental rights. In many states it takes years. Lots of them.
Some states allow SP adoption through legal abandonment. A friend of mine had her DH do it. They had to be married for a year, and the BD had to make zero contact (visits, phone calls, etc.) and no CS for a year. If he paid $5 of CS in the 11th month, the year started over. If he made a phone call in the 11th month, the year started over. They had to put an ad in the paper saying her DH was going to adopt the DD, and the BD could contest it if he saw and cared.
I would talk to an attorney in your county as they should know the process. Every state is different.
I have actually consulted my attorney about this and I don't know about the length of marriage but I know the legal abandonment part to be true at least in Ohio. We're waiting it out now...
My son likes the thought that my dh "wants" him enough to stake legal claim on him. It's a big deal to feel loved that way. My niece never was legally adopted by my brother and it hurt her a little to the point where she asked him about it (he'll always be her dad but a little part of her wanted that legal aspect of it (she's 20 now).
That being said, my dh knows the ramifications of it. One of his friends at work pays child support and gets visitation for a kid that he adopted and then got divorced.
We also want to do an adoption but I don't know how to do it myself and it was 5,000 when I called a lawyer. Ours will be really easy because her BF is all for it.
We did change her name this year (DD is 6) and it was VERY easy. It seems like it might even be easier if he isn't on the BC but who knows. I printed some papers and filled them out myself. I paid $250 (or something close to that) to file them and when in front of the judge and she signed off on it. I did meet up with her bio father to have him sign something but he didn't even have to go to court with me.
Following this logic, you shouldnt have ANY children because what would happen if you get divorced? You would have to allow your DH to have visitation, holidays, share your child and all parenting decisions - right?
My DH adopted his ex's daughter (turns out he married his ex because he fell in love with SD - stupid, but he was 20). Guess what, when she cheated on and divorced him, he got custody of SD.
WHY because when he adopted her, she became his daughter....just like his son.
In two states I've lived in, there only needs to be six months of no contact - no letters, texts, emails, etc. to file for abandonment. It can still be contested, but she does have grounds.
No, I was asking OP if she would be able to put an incident like that behind her for the sake of her child and move on. Fact is, some BM (or BD's for that matter) still view the child as THEIR child, even if their partner adopts. My DH EX-w did.
Legally, yes, an adopted parent is now their "parent". It takes more than a piece of paper to be a parent.
My late-DH adopted DS 8 yrs ago. In our case, DS's bio-father did not exercise his visitation, did not contact him any way, and paid support on an irregular basis. In my state, abandonment is either no contact or financial support for 1 yr.
We retained an attorney for $1500, paid the state fees to the heal dept (I think $250), and fees to the Div of Family & Children for a case worker to come out and visit. Since I did not know of his address, we had to prove we tried every avenue we could to locate him. We got lucky with the post office and was able to get his last known address. He filed with the courts that he was contesting the adoption, but when the day of court came he was a no show. The judge wanted to cover all basis so we went into the court room to record the hearing so the BF could not argue that it was not done properly. About a month later the birth certificate was ready with late-DH added as the father. Then we had to take that information to the Soc Sec office to get it registered.
After everything I have been through with men I would never allow anyone to adopt my son. However his dad is in his life so I don't know how I would feel if he wasn't.
I think you really need to think long and hard about it as there is a chance that you will divorce and at that point you would be required to share custody if you had gone through with the adoption.
I hope that you and your DH have a long happy marriage but it's not guaranteed.
I second this. If your DH is a good person he will continue to be in your son's life regardless of a legal adoption. But unfortunately also in my experience a good person can turn into a monster during a divorce. When money and especially splitting time with children is involved.
BF saw DS frequently but not regularly. I was flexible but if I'd held him to the CO he wouldn't really have seen DS. He was a mooch and was always working very hard to find a way to not pay child support. I got tired of it and finally took him to court for contempt. He was supposed to pay $300 a month but I received less than that in a whole year. He was over 5k behind and the judge we got was going to give him jail time.
BF was either going to go to jail for non payment and not see DS or was going to skip town to avoid jail and not see DS. He wasn't someone who was fit to be a parent and I'd wanted him to just leave since DS was born. He decided to let DH adopt him because he knew I'd forgive his debt and he would avoid jail. He basicly sold his son for 5K which confirms even further that he isn't fit to be a parent.
If your ex isn't paying child support it's adding up and will catch up with him. Talk to a lawyer in your state. Forgiving the debt like I did to get BF to agree to adoption isn't legal everywhere. It might also to possible to let BF know about and adoption hearing via public notice he probably wont see if he meets the criteria for child abandonment. Depending on your state you may also have other options.
The whole process cost us around $1,500. 1K was for the contempt charges and lawyer and court fees. The other $500 was for adoption fees itself like lawyer and court fees, GAL, background check, etc. DH's employer wrote us a check for that when the adoption was final. Many employers do this so that could help you with the costs.
I disagree at least in my situation.
BF was a horrible father and role model. He was irresponsible as a parent and as a person. DH is a great father, role model, and person.
DH is divorced and has children with his ex. He is still a great father to them even though his relationship with BM is over. After we broke up BF used DS as a tool to try to hurt me. DH puts his kids first. BF didn't.
There is a a huge difference in the long run between DH being a father figure and a legal father. With an adoption things are final. BF can't come back later and disrupt DS's life. This made a difference for DH. When the adoption was final he said he felt like he was allowed to love DS as his son. Before he tried to keep somewhat of a separation there. Even though the situation was different, DH didn't want to overstep with DS. There are things he felt were father son things that he would have felt guilty for doing with DS because he would be upset if another man did them his kids.
Even if DH and I don't work out DS still has a loving father that will put him first. If DH and I have a nasty divorce DS will still have DH as his father, not mommy's ex. I can't deny him access because I get pissy and don't want to see DH anymore. I would anyway but this forces me to put DS first.
DH and I have two other kids together. This keeps them together as brothers and not half brothers. I know some people don't use "half" and we don't either but there is still a difference between living with a sibling everyday instead of just some days.
This protects DS if something happens to DH. He is legally his child and gets all the same rights as such.
Sabrina, you make some good points. There is also the protection for DS if something were to happen to you, that DH is his father.
I do want to say, however, that not every parental relationship needs to be limited by the legal relationship. I know I am the boys' mother. I've raised them. Whether they are ever legally my child or not, our relationship will not change. I'm glad the adoption worked out for your family, and it is great to have that protection, but the relationship can be there even if the paperwork is not.
Yes it does also protect DS if something happens to me. It was a huge factor in me wanting DH to adopt DS. BF could barely handle EOWE. There is no way he could have raised DS if I were to die but he would have insisted anyway. I didn't think about this when making the post.
I completely agree with you. You don't need to legally be someone's parent to be their parent. My mom is my mom but we legally aren't family.
I don't think all step-parents need to adopt their stepchildren to be a parent but going through the adoption process is more than just a piece of paper. There are so many factors to consider.