Do I have the right to be pissed at DH for this?

JellyTwoPointO · December 2012

So tonight DH and I had dinner with his mom, sisters, and some extended family to celebrate MIL's birthday. We're out about our pregnancy to everyone. Someone at the table asked us what we were thinking of for names.

Now, DH and I had talked previously and I'd said I wanted to reveal the gender but keep names completely a secret and reveal the name when we announced LO's birth. DH agreed to this. Keeping names a surprise was very important to me. So what does DH do?

He says, "Oh well if it's a boy, we're planning on naming him Judah. If its a girl, we're thinking either Lorelei or Charlotte." My eyes widened in horror. Under the table, I had his leg in a death clench, something he KNOWS is my discreet signal for "please stop talking." But he kept going.

So I whispered in his ear that we'd said not to talk about names and please never tell another soul because he just ruined something very important to me. And then he hissed at me that I'm being ridiculous and very disrespectful to his family. WTF? "Asking to keep names a secret is disrespectful?! How?!" and he just hissed back that yes it was, glared at me, and then kept eating.

Towards the end of dinner he whispered and apologized "for being too harsh," but not about spilling the beans on the names. I'm still hurt and angry because that can never be taken back. It's completely ruined now. He then later gave me a half apology saying he'd "forgotten we were going to do that," but he still completely down played it as if it's not a big deal. Please tell me I'm justified in being royally pissed.

weaslewam · December 2012

I. Would. Be. LIVID!

No joke.

bananers · December 2012

I would be mad too. We are keeping names a secret too, and in our case we ESPECIALLY want to keep them from family since they're the most opinionated ones. Also, I don't think it's disrespectful in the least to keep the names mum from anyone, since so many people do it nowadays.

weaslewam · December 2012

I am in the car with my husband right now and just explained what this said and he's on your side too FWIW

HUGS

Chocodoxies · December 2012

weaslewam:
I. Would. Be. LIVID! No joke.

Yep. This. Also, I can't remember the last post you did about your DH, but I do remember it was something you felt was either very disrespectful, or was immature... I can't quite recall. I would have a very serious talk with him about how you have been feeling lately with regard to his actions and that if he feels the need to disrespect his wife in order to respect his family there are going to be issues as long as the two of you are married.

4legsRbest · December 2012

Ouch - that hurts. Seriously, that isn't cool, at all, and a half-assed apology is just irritating.

We are keeping ours a secret too and if DH did that I would be so upset with him. There really is no excuse for that but does your DH have a strained relationship with his family at all? I only ask b/c the only reason I can see someone doing that knowing it wasn't okay with their SO was if they felt they always had to prove something to their family and/or never got attention from them.

I guess the best you can do now is decide whether or not to really be in the closet about it and if you go back in just tell people you don't know or are keeping it a secret. My family hasn't asked me in months b/c I made it very clear we weren't telling. Sorry he did that - that really sucks and I would be super hurt Sad

martyn17 · December 2012

You guys had an agreement. Its not cool that he disrespected that.

PhoenixBritt · December 2012

I probably would have cried. No joke. That was not ok for him to do especially since you had a conversation about how important it was to you. I hope you get a real apology!

Meow7511 · December 2012

I would be so angry! My DH would be calling the couch bed for quite a while!

You are 100% correct in being one seriously angry!

manda37 · December 2012

TOTALLY justifiable.

gravytrain225 · December 2012

I'm on the fence about it. I don't totally understand keeping names a secret though, so that may be clouding my judgement. It seems that he doesn't understand either. I can understand that he found it disrespectful to his family. My family would be the same way. I think it was wrong of him to out the names when you had agreed to it, but you also need to discuss with him if this isn't something he wants to do, it is his child too.

AudUy · December 2012

I am hurt and feel disrespected just reading this. If he had just let the excitement of the moment carry him away that would be one thing, but you clearly reminded him that you were not okay with what was happening. I hope he understands soon just how disrespectful it was that he ignored and, worse, chastised you for voicing your desire. You are allowed to feel something is important even if he doesn't think it's a big deal. I'm sure there are many things that he cares about that don't mean much to you but out of your respect for him you respect his wishes.

LaTi07 · December 2012

I think your DH needs a serious lesson on who the priority is in his life. He chose to get married and start a family with YOU, not his family, but YOU. Is there a reason why his family continues to be the priority in his life over you? You two came to an agreement about something. Sure it's something simple and really causes no harm either way, but the point is he made an agreement. An agreement that he went back on right quick and then schooled you in respect? Yeah, we'd be having words if DH did that to me.

It's your life, your marriage and your DH so ultimately you have to pick your battles. However, it would make me concerned that if he's willing to flip on a dime that easy with his family over something small what he'll do on the big stuff. DH and I have always had a rule, if we make an agreement about something, no matter what it is, we honor it. Period.

Bottom-line, you are absolutely justified in being royally pissed.

HoolahZinger · December 2012

gravytrain225:
I'm on the fence about it. I don't totally understand keeping names a secret though, so that may be clouding my judgement. It seems that he doesn't understand either. I can understand that he found it disrespectful to his family. My family would be the same way. I think it was wrong of him to out the names when you had agreed to it, but you also need to discuss with him if this isn't something he wants to do, it is his child too.

I think this is where I fall too. I don't understand keeping the names a secret so that's why I don't completely get it.

BUT...the fact that you two had made an agreement and he disrespected you by breaking that agreement, well, I would be super upset. So, in that case, your frustrations are completely justifiable. I'm so sorry he crossed the line and then didn't acknowledge how he is in the wrong. There's not really any going back now I don't think but he needs a sit down and be reminded that, in the future, he needs to stay on the same page with you and first and foremost stand by you as a husband.

jbranden12 · December 2012

Yes. I would be upset that he broke your agreement and treated you in a very disrespectful manner in front of his family. This sounds like something that would have me in tears.

KatieKim0815 · December 2012

I would be livid beyond words! We keep the names a secret too and woul be upset if tis happened.

FreyaWin2382 · December 2012

HoolahZinger:
gravytrain225:
I'm on the fence about it. I don't totally understand keeping names a secret though, so that may be clouding my judgement. It seems that he doesn't understand either. I can understand that he found it disrespectful to his family. My family would be the same way. I think it was wrong of him to out the names when you had agreed to it, but you also need to discuss with him if this isn't something he wants to do, it is his child too.
I think this is where I fall too. I don't understand keeping the names a secret so that's why I don't completely get it.
BUT...the fact that you two had made an agreement and he disrespected you by breaking that agreement, well, I would be super upset. So, in that case, your frustrations are completely justifiable. I'm so sorry he crossed the line and then didn't acknowledge how he is in the wrong. There's not really any going back now I don't think but he needs a sit down and be reminded that, in the future, he needs to stay on the same page with you and first and foremost stand by you as a husband.

I'm here too....I personally don't see sharing of names as that big of a deal (after all, the names are still going to be special even if people know it....I wouldn't use the term "ruined"), but I WOULD be mad if I had an agreement with my DH and he ignored it.

I'm sorry you were put in that position.

JellyTwoPointO · December 2012

Thank you for the validation, ladies. It's nice to know that I'm really not being crazy or too sensitive about this but that I do have the right to be upset.

I tried talking to DH about it later. I didn't get the heartfelt apology I think I deserved, but DH has never really learned the art of a good apology and he tends to get mad and defensive first and then come back and apologize with more kindness later. He said he thought he did apologize by saying he "forgot that we were doing that," and that "I really did forget, so I'm sorry." He actually got mad at me for bringing it up a second time saying that if his apology isn't good enough for me, it makes him feel like he shouldn't bother trying to apologize at all. Ugh. Sometimes in the heat of a moment he's dramatic and like I said, super defensive. His apology had just been so matteroffact and "well, what happened, happened. Sorry," instead of being more, well, heartfelt and sounding genuinely sorry.

But... It is what it is. Like I said, sometimes he comes back a day later and gives a real, nondefensive apology, so hopefully that happens. He definitely knows very clearly how I feel about the situation though, so hopefully he doesn't "forget" again.

SandiaPinaMama · December 2012

You are right. We do this too. Names are secret. BTW, I love yours! Hope he makes amends and fast!

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · December 2012

Because it is something that was discussed previously, I would be upset, too. However, what's done is done, and his explanation of forgetting is unfortunately, probably true. So hopefully he will keep it quiet from here on out. I would also have him give a call to those that were there and ask them that they keep it quiet as well.

KikiCohen · December 2012

weaslewam:
I. Would. Be. LIVID! No joke.

This!!!

Bizzy80 · December 2012

Yes, I would be completely pissed!

bootselven · December 2012

I'd be pissed. We decided to do the same thing, to avoid criticism of our choices. I don't know what your reasoning is, but I don't have the same taste in names as our parents, or even my husband. My MIL has tried on numerous occasions to "help" pick names, but we're standing firm on not discussing it. It's grating enough being harassed about telling what we're "just thinking about". There's no way I'm dealing with name critiques from people that aren't the child's parent. So no one gets the name until it's officially bestowed upon the child at birth. Then it's too late for them to complain.

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