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February 2012 Moms
lancyjo
member
212 Facebook Admin.
An emotional revelation... Long.
lancyjo
member
Let's face it, we've all been ridiculously busy since February. It's hard to find time for ourselves, let alone anyone else after taking care of baby and making time for our husbands... but that stops now for me. From now on, I'm going to step it up and make time for the other important people in my life.
The first order of business? My baby sister. She and her boyfriend came over last night, and after the baby went to bed the boys played PS3. My sister and I hung out in my room and had a pretty deep conversation while I was folding baby clothes. I finally had a chance to focus completely on my sister during a conversation, to hear what was on her heart. It was the first talk like this in a long time, and way overdue.
You know what I was heartbroken to find out? That she's struggling with the effects of the emotional abuse our biological father put us through, more than even she realizes. She talked about her plans for the future, continuing education after she gets her associates this spring, etc. One thing she mentioned? She'll never get married. Why? She can't trust anyone enough.
In her eyes I saw the pain and heartache that I felt not very long ago. It's a pain that can't be described to someone who hasn't felt it. One of fear and abandonment, insecurity, and something almost tangible that can't be named. I was reminded of the crushing weight of this pain, how you can't quite seem to get out from under it and how it's completely possible to not even realize that it's crushing you.
I was 16 when my father did the unthinkable and beat me. I had endured 16 years of emotional and verbal abuse that was culminated in that beating. I was a mess, and it took me a few years, some counseling, and some medication to get over it. My sister was only 11. I thought she had been too young to really realize what was going on, too young to feel the pain of a father who didn't love us, who would rather verbally and emotionally abuse us, and our mother, as a sick justification to his infidelities and insecurities. How incredibly wrong I've been.
How could I have missed all the signs in my sister? How could I have missed the fading away of such a happy-go-lucky girl to a young woman riddled with fear and distrust? How could I have not seen my pain reflected in her beautiful hazel eyes?
Last night, as I held her while she cried, there were several different emotions that ran through me. First and foremost came rage, hot and angry. How could a father do this to his daughters? I would end his life with my bare hands if it would make this hurt go away. No regrets, no hesitation. Then the rage gave away to grief, a deep and all too familiar grief. My beautiful sister is hurting, and that kills me. I would hurt no less had someone put a knife through my heart. There was a small flicker of happiness in there, happiness at knowing that she trusted me enough to confide in me, and that I know I can help her. In the end, I circled back around to rage, only this time it was directed at myself. How could I have been so absent emotionally to my sister that I've missed this for so long? My role as a sister did not end when I became a mother.
Today is a new day, and even if she doesn't know it, it's the beginning of a change for my sister. I'm going to see to it that she gets the help she so desperately needs, and I'm going to hold her hand through all of it. There will be light and happiness in her eyes again, and I won't stop until it's there.
Thank you for reading this, if you've made it this far. From now on, I won't forget that in addition to being a mother I am also a sister... A sister whose younger counterpart needs her, now maybe more than ever. Mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend... I cannot forget my roles in life again.
212 Facebook Admin.
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Re: An emotional revelation... Long.
What a moving post-- thanks for sharing. This serves us all a sharp reminder that there is more to our lives than just our beautiful babies. I've gotten caught up in it too.
I hope it's a reassuring feeling that your sweet little girl will never have to grow up like you and your sister did. Prayers for your family.
ETA: grammar
You are lucky to have each other. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers as you heal.
Lancy--I so admire your willingness to face these deep-seeded fears/pain/sadness to help your sister make her own journey on the road to being able to trust people. But, I do want to remind you that you are not to blame for your sister's sadness--not even a little bit. You were both blameless, innocent victims. And because you are not responsible at all for the events that led to her current emotional issues--you are also not at all responsible for single-handedly pulling her out of this! You can't put the burden of "fixing" your sister on yourself. That is such a heavy burden to bear, and one that you can't and shouldn't place upon yourself.
Instead, think of yourself as an amazing source of support to her, a source of resources (individual counseling, family counseling, etc.) that will go so far towards gettiing her the professional help she needs to learn how to trust people, etc. I have so much faith that your love and support of your sister will help her make the first step towards reclaiming the happiness in life that is rightfully hers.
But please, don't place any blame on yourself. Life is too short to bear the burden of someone else's sins--and taking on that burden won't help your sister, you or your family. Instead, point her towards professional, educated counselors who can thoroughly discuss her fears and heartache, and help her see that she can choose to take a path towards a much better future.
Lots of hugs!
You and your sister are very lucky to have each other. It truly shows that you bring out the best in each other.
I'm so sorry that you and your sister had such terrible events happen in your childhood, but I feel that you have become a stronger person because of it, Lancy and good for you for figuring out what your sister needs from you. Some people go through life never knowing or even worse, knowing and ignoring ...
I am optimistic that your sister will eventually trust again with your help and support. She deserves to love and to feel love unconditionally and to go through life without this heavy burden. {{{HUGS}}} to you both!
BFP #3 - 05.20.11, EDD - 01.31.12, Logan is here! 02.05.12
BFP #2 - 03.16.11, M/C 03.24.11
BFP #1 - 10.17.10, Blighted Ovum dx, M/C 01.09.11
Sooner, thank you. I won't be taking this on alone. My Mom and I are going to make sure that my sister gets the help she needs. I'm just going to be here to love her and support her through it. While I've been there, and I know what help she needs, I'm not the person who is going to help my sister work through this. She needs a professional, just as I did.
It's a long, complex journey. My sister will need a lot of people and support. I just plan to be the rock she needs, the person who will hold her hand through it.
You were right in all that you said though.
212 Facebook Admin.
You two are lucky to have each other. I wish I had a tenth of the closeness with my sister that it sounds like you and yours have - that must be amazing!
Don't feel full for missing what she was feeling. You dealt with so, so much, and you can't expect to have noticed what was going on with her. You took the time that you needed to get help for yourself and now you have the time and emotional energy to help her. And now that you've gotten yourself help you know exactly how to help her navigate the steps she needs to take. I'm so sorry that you went through all of that.