Random legal/family/awkward question.

nancy30005 · November 2012

I happen to live 45 minutes from my Grandma. She's my dad's mom, and she is awesome. She is also in a nursing home after suffering a stroke (lost all movement on her right side).

It's a coincidence that we live so close.. My family is in TX, my H's in NC, and the only other family "here" is my "aunt".

My aunt took care of Grandma. For a while. But there were strange situations and she was sued by the state for misappropriation of government funds (ie, Grandma's livelihood). Basically she let my Grandma live with her and spent all her money and had no job because her "job" was my Grandma. This was in April 2011.

Now, the nursing home (Beau and I go once a week) is asking about directives and stuff (medicaid/care, medical history, etc) and I have no idea WTF to do. My dad is lazy. My aunt has stopped caring after the $ ran out.
I love her to pieces, but she's my Grandma.Not my parent. I am not prepared.

My Aunt has basically told her mother goodbye (and the rest of us for that matter) and moved to the mountains. She will not answer emails and has no phone.

I am so sorry (and thankful) if you made it through this, but I am sick. Aunt said she needed to move my teenage cousin away from said Grandma because of abuse. In a nursing home. She's nucking futs. (That could fill up another post.)

Anyway, if you have any experience I'd be grateful. I've been on my state's government website and it's very legal-ese. The folks at the home are amazing, but since my out-of-town Dad and out-of-touch Aunt can't handle their mom, I feel like I should...

I will prolly DD this later, but if you have ANY info/advice/experience, I could use it.

Also, this:

nancy30005 · November 2012

Spooko:
I'd talk to an attorney. Many have a free initial interview. That way you can see what paperwork you need to line up and how much/what authority to do so that you have. I do think you need to take charge of this. Sorry you're put in that position. What does Gma think/want to do? Does she want you in charge?

Holy shiit. This is great advice. Thank you!
She has dementia. (Should've probably mentioned that in the OP, sorry. I'm pretty emotional about it).

She has no idea WTF is happening on a daily basis but she remembers me and my kiddo.

I'm not sure what she'd want, but she hasn't asked about the aunt in about a year, so I got that going for me.

I will definitely check out an attorney. Thanks, Spooks!

nancy30005 · November 2012

Brandi Bee:
I'm going through something similar with an aunt who is a total dependent living in a nursing home. Everyone in my family signed over rights to her due to some old family drama and now the legal guardian is dead. I never knew about her until she was in the ICU where I worked and I went up and met her. I have to do continuing education where she is at because it's affiliated with the hospital I work for. So when I do that, I stop by and visit her. So since the guardian died, the only person willing is me. I'll be signing guardianship papers pretty soon.
The way I saw it....if I don't, she will just become a ward of the state and then someone else will be making her decisions. If you really don't want that for a person you love, you might want to just go have a sit down with them.

Wow. That's crazy! Good for you.

What was the legal process like? (if you don't mind).

LilMissBrooklyn · November 2012

You will need a lawyer. Its a long process. I'm not sure how it works with someone who is not able to make decisions for themselves because when I went through it my mother was able to somewhat communicate and tell them that she agreed with what was going on.

I was pretty young at the time this happened (20) so I honestly didn't retain too much of the process but from what I remember I know we had to file the papers and I know that there was a home visit where people from the courts came to the house and spoke to my mother. Then there was the bonding process and a mandatory "class" you had to take about the rules and regulations of being a guardian.

Last there was also a hearing where it was like you was in court and you had to take the stand in front of a judge, testify and answer questions from your lawyer.

After guardianship is awarded there is also a financial report that has to be filed ever year to make sure you aren't stealing any of the persons money. Its long and tedious. Keep great records and receipts for years. We had to go back and find paper work from 2008 because they decided in 2012 that there was problems with what was filed and wanted to know why something didn't ass up.

nancy30005 · November 2012

LilMissBrooklyn:
You will need a lawyer. Its a long process. I'm not sure how it works with someone who is not able to make decisions for themselves because when I went through it my mother was able to somewhat communicate and tell them that she agreed with what was going on.
I was pretty young at the time this happened (20) so I honestly didn't retain too much of the process but from what I remember I know we had to file the papers and I know that there was a home visit where people from the courts came to the house and spoke to my mother. Then there was the bonding process and a mandatory "class" you had to take about the rules and regulations of being a guardian.
Last there was also a hearing where it was like you was in court and you had to take the stand in front of a judge, testify and answer questions from your lawyer.
After guardianship is awarded there is also a financial report that has to be filed ever year to make sure you aren't stealing any of the persons money. Its long and tedious. Keep great records and receipts for years. We had to go back and find paper work from 2008 because they decided in 2012 that there was problems with what was filed and wanted to know why something didn't ass up.

Thank you so much!
I'm so sorry about your experience, but it really helps.

Also, could your squirt be ANY cuter!!?!?

KelCaryn20 · November 2012

::lurker here:: although it may vary by state, from strictly a medical standpoint, likely if your grandma is still able to make medical decisions, she can appoint you as her health care agent. You should talk with her social worker or case worker in the nursing home. ::That is what I do:: You only need 2 witnesses to complete an Advance Directive and it can allow you to someday be the medical decision maker if that's what your grandmother wants, of course. The financial stuff, yeah, I'd talk with an elder law attorney!

ETA:If she has dementia, still start with the social worker. There still may be options other than having to apply for guardianship, which is a LONG process. A letter from your dad and aunt stating they do not wish to be decision makers, for example, may be enough for the nursing home, for example, to allow you to be the point of contact regarding medical decision making, at least.

nancy30005 · November 2012

KelCaryn20:
::lurker here:: although it may vary by state, from strictly a medical standpoint, likely if your grandma is still able to make medical decisions, she can appoint you as her health care agent. You should talk with her social worker or case worker in the nursing home. That is what I do You only need 2 witnesses to complete an Advance Directive and it can allow you to someday be the medical decision maker if that's what your grandmother wants, of course. The financial stuff, yeah, I'd talk with an elder law attorney!

Thank you so much! I'm checking into it ASAP. Smile

acesup · December 2012

Since she has dementia she can't assign you power of attorney which would have been the simplest route. I would suggest talking to an elder law attorney and looking into guardianship. If you don't the state will assign a professional guardian depending on where you live that may not be bad I work in the field and I've seen some great professional guardians. Filing a guardianship can be costly but it will give you the ability to make all of her decisions in her best interest.

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