NBR: What would you do?

DemoDoll · November 2012

Well this is kind of bump related....and it's going to be long. I will try to cut to the chase.

My dad and step-mom were married for 13-14 years and are now separated. They separated during my 3rd trimester. I've always been pretty close with my step-mom but in the last 4ish years she went through menopause and can be nutty at times and wishy washy but nonetheless, we were close.

After she and my dad separated, she got a different phone, moved away, cut contact with my brother (who has two little kids) and I. She hasn't met Brooke, didn't know when I went into labor, etc. From time to time I'm sad about it, wishing she knew Brooke's name, how my labor went (long, ended with c-section), could have been there for me, visit me on my maternity, etc. Well, I find out that my brother has been in contact with her and so has his wife. They have hung out with her and my SIL told her all about my birth experience and Brooke's name, etc. I was hurt by this and I wanted to tell my step-mom myself.

Fast forward to last week....I readded her on FB after finding this all out and she messaged me saying how beautiful Brooke is and she still loves and cares about me but that she will do it from a distance.

Fast forward to a couple days ago...my brother said my step-mom called and left him a message, crying and saying that he can give me her number and that she wants to see me and Brooke. The catch 22 is that my brother said when he talks to her she tries to get info from him about my dad and bad mouthes my dad a lot. They are still in the middle of their divorce.

My question is: what would you do? I really want to see her and have Brooke meet her but I don't want my dad to get upset and I don't want to get in the middle of their divorce. But I don't think my dad would be mad at me for seeing her because she has been a part of my life for so long, but he also has a girlfriend and wouldn't want me to say anything to my step-mom about his life.

Keoh1215 · November 2012

I would go meet up with her and let her meet Brooke. She was a big part of your life and I think it would make both of you feel a lot better. Just make it known that you are there so you guys can catch up and she can spend time with the baby but not to talk about anything having to do with your dad or the divorce. If she starts bringing it up or asking questions, remind her again that you are not there for that. I think your dad would understand your feelings of wanting to see her.

nicnac817 · November 2012

Coming from a family where I had a stepfather for 13 years, I totally understand your desire to share you happiness with stepmom. I think it is a great idea to meet with her. She, after all was a huge part of your life for many years. I would recommend making it clear from the beginning that you don't want to speak about your father or the divorce. Be clear about your position on the matter.

Neener73 · November 2012

Obviously, your step-mom was a part of your life for a long time, and you still care about her. I think you should now consider her a friend and go see her, but I think you should set some "rules" first. Let her know that you love her and would like to remain part of her life, but that you don't want her to ask about your dad or say anything negative about him and you definitely don't want to get in the middle of the divorce. In return, you won't tell her your dad about her and won't listen to your dad say anything negative about her. (This is pretty much how I have dealt with my parents over the years, although now I can tell them what the other one has been up to without getting negative comments.) If she wants to have a relationship with you and Brooke, she'll probably agree. You may have to remind her of the "rules" if she tries to break them. As long as you establish these firm guidelines, the ball will be in her court.

bearthebear · November 2012

nicnac817:
Coming from a family where I had a stepfather for 13 years, I totally understand your desire to share you happiness with stepmom. I think it is a great idea to meet with her. She, after all was a huge part of your life for many years. I would recommend making it clear from the beginning that you don't want to speak about your father or the divorce. Be clear about your position on the matter.

this is right on. It is all about boundaries. You are willing to share your life and your family w her. That doesn't mean you have to discuss or deal in anyway w her divorce or your dad. It is hard, but it can be done. If she can't respect that boundary, then she is not ready to have a relationship w you and Brooke, yet.

klmcguire · November 2012

She was a part of your life and going cold turkey must have been hard on both of y'all. I think you should definitely go see her! I think you will be happy about that. I would make it clear if he starts asking for info that you would rather not talk about him because he is your father and that wouldn't be right.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Maybe things will work out for you.

bigbootyjudi · November 2012

I could have written this.

My dad's third wife was 27 when he married her. I was 15. She became like the big sister I never had, I moved in with them, and they had two kids plus she had one from a previous relationship. I moved back in with my mom when the school year started and they got divorced about six months later. I stayed in touch with her because of my siblings and the fact that we had become so close, but then found out she had been reporting information back to my dad about me while we were estranged...we haven't spoken since I was 15 and I'm 24 now. She would ask me tons of questions about my mom, who my dad really never got over, and then tell him. Then, she would tell him everything I told her about my life so that he would be jealous that I still talked to her and not him.

I tried to draw a barrier and she was just too focused on hurting him to care. She knows I was pregnant, but hasn't seen Sergio and I had to cut off all communication with her.

I agree with everyone else. The first time she asks you about your dad, tell her you are not going to talk about him.If she still pushes the issue, I would tell her again, but after three times, I would tell her that you couldn't have a relationship with her if your dad is going to be the focus.

Tash13 · November 2012

Personally, I would get together with her but be very honest about not getting in the middle. Let her know right off the bat that she has obviously been a big part of your life and you would love to continue having her in your life but you aren't comfortable discussing your father with her. In turn, she can be confident that you won't discuss her with your father.

I have a stronger relationship with my ex-stepmom than I do with my dad so I definitely think it's possible to have a long-lasting relationship despite it not working out between her and your dad.

beckyfarrelly · November 2012

You should definitely meet up with her. She was a big part of your life. You could either speak to her beforehand to set boundaries about not discussing your dad and his life or just see how the visit goes and if the topic of your dad comes up, change the subject or be upfront with her that you can't discuss that.

Good luck and I hope your visit goes well! I'm sure you both have missed eachother greatly.

NBR: What would you do?

Re: NBR: What would you do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards