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Interesting perspective on open adoption

IRRIRR member
in Adoption

I was speaking with my lawyers admin today and she mentioned that she was a BM, so I asked her if I could ask a personal question.  I wanted to know if she had an open or a closed adoption.  She told me that it had started open but after some time the AP's decided to close it.  I told her I was sorry about that and that it must be hard, but here was her thoughts.  "I am grateful for the AP's that took my daughter because I didn't want her to grow up like I did without knowing where her next meal was going to come from. I grew up dirt poor.  They were really a blessing to me and I know my daughter is being well cared for (now 7).  The AP's probably decided to cut off contact with me because I was being too pushy.  I came from a military family and was brought up with very strict rules and I was trying to influence their parenting.  BM's need to remember once the TPR is signed you know longer have the authority to make decisions for your child, but there should be nothing wrong with providing some suggestions."

I was impressed that even though the AP's closed the adoption she is still beyond grateful for the life they are providing their daughter and she also knows that if they ever need her, she will be more than willing to be available, but she does understand that she probably crossed the line. I have so much respect for this woman and all BM's.

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Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


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Re: Interesting perspective on open adoption

  • MagickalNarwhalMagickalNarwhal member
    Hm. That's very gracious of her. However, if I have a family member that I feel is being too pushy and trying to influence my parenting (not if, actually, since I DO have family like this) then I put on my big girl mama bear pants and I talk to them and set some boundaries. I don't cut them out of my life entirely. Of course all I know is the tiny bit that you related which obviously isn't the whole story, but I hear way more stories than I am comfortable with about APs closing adoptions that were initially open for what I consider to be questionable reasons. Honestly, if I were in that situation as the kid, I'd be pisssed at my parents.
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  • MayDayGirlMayDayGirl member
    Very interesting. Though I find it interesting she thinks its fine to offer suggestions. I adore dd's Bm, but I honestly don't think I would handle suggestions about parenting well. Maybe that's why we work so well together. She respects our position absolutely.
    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • mom2onemom2one member
    I think that unsolicited parenting advice is a crappy reason to close an adoption. I have, however, had to greatly reduce contact with DD's birthmom, so I understand how adoptions can change over time.
    Stay at Home Mama to 3 Beautiful Children by the miracles of Birth & Adoption
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  • srmmm09srmmm09

    I totally see the difference in offering suggestions (what friends do) and trying to influence someone else's parenting style (what people who will not be my friends do).

    Still, I hope they reopen contact with her soon. It sounds like she "learned her lesson."  

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    USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
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