Update to SS and food issues for anyone interested.

sabrina69barnes · November 2012

It took a few days of DH calling to finally get the guidance counselor to call back. It had been brought to her attention that SS may not be getting enough to eat a few weeks ago. Since then she has been inspecting SS's lunch. She says it's fine and comparable to the other children's lunches.

DH and I are pretty sure that BM started giving SS more food after he started stealing. BM knows how she should be treating the kids so she usually gets her act together when she is worried about what other people might think of her.

The bad news is that nothing can be done right now. There isn't an issue as far as the school in concerned.

The good news is the the guidance counselor seems to be on top of things with SS. She told DH she would keep checking his lunch to make sure it stays the way it is now. DH and I are still going make sure SS gets breakfast at school. The school is inspecting lunches so they are fine for now but we know what the kids get at home for breakfast isn't enough.

hopanka · November 2012

Great news...if it takes scare tactics fo get her to feed her kids properly, so be it. Good job to you guys for staying on top of it. Monitor it, check in with the counselor on a regular basis, continue to pay for breakfast and at least you will know they get two proper meals a day. Thats better than a starving kid all day long. Now, with the home situation, such as what she provides for afternoon snack and dinner, you have to keep monitoring your SK and listen for cues. I would even go as far as telling BM that you are on to her and will not let up. She either stops the nonsense, or you will be relentless with CPS check ups and such. This is not your regular what happens at my house is none of your business. It is your business and she needs to know you guys are serious about it.

Jessys_Girl · November 2012

Can I offer another perspective? And I hope this doesn't offend you, but the thought occured to me, and I'd like to share it with you to help you think through all of this.

In both this post and your last one, you've indicated that official people (CPS, the school counselor) are monitoring the situation and see nothing wrong with it. You've indicated that the children's doctor is unconcerned and that they are deemed healthy and at the appropriate weights. You've said numerous times that BM knows to do specific things when others are watching, but that you and your DH know that she doesn't do this stuff behind closed doors.

Can I ask HOW you know? Also, it appears that your SS is the only one stealing food, and not the other child, is this correct?

I'd like you to consider the possibility.....maybe there is somethinge ELSE going on with your SS. Maybe in fact BM IS feeding them appropriately (perhaps not things they like, or perhaps not what you would feed them, but according to all the professinals, she is feeding them enough), and maybe your SS's food stealing issues are related to something entirely different.

Again, I don't want to offend you, but from the outside looking in I keep hearing in your posts "We're SURE she's doing something wrong, we just can't catch her at it"....when in fact several authorities (CPS, Doctor, Counselor, "second, third and fourth opinions from a lawyer") have investigated and found nothing amiss.

lily_721 · November 2012

Stay on top of this. A child should never have to struggle to eat.

Here is my example of the authorities NOT being on top of a very bad abuse situation. My SSs were being physcially abused by their SF. They showed all the classic signs at school (acting out, withdrawn, stealing, fear, dirty, etc). The adults in their lives ignored all of this. We were out of state and didn't know the day-to-day situation. DH sensed something wasn't right but the schools kept blaming SS1 and SS2's behavior.

I am not normally someone who blames the schools. I am extremely involved with the boys' schools and fully back and support our teachers. I do blame the authorities in their past lives: counselors, teachers, police officers. We have thought many times of suing the former school district/police department for documenting the abuse and then failing to help but it wouldn't help the boys to move on from that life.

Trust your gut. I'm not saying anything this horrendous is happening. I just want to you see sometimes the good people don't do a good job.

twister22 · November 2012

I hope Jessy's Girl is right and that it is something else. Better safe than sorry though, and I would definitely stay on top of things. T&Ps your way.

sabrina69barnes · November 2012

Jessys_Girl:
Can I offer another perspective? And I hope this doesn't offend you, but the thought occured to me, and I'd like to share it with you to help you think through all of this.

In both this post and your last one, you've indicated that official people (CPS, the school counselor) are monitoring the situation and see nothing wrong with it. You've indicated that the children's doctor is unconcerned and that they are deemed healthy and at the appropriate weights. You've said numerous times that BM knows to do specific things when others are watching, but that you and your DH know that she doesn't do this stuff behind closed doors.

Can I ask HOW you know? Also, it appears that your SS is the only one stealing food, and not the other child, is this correct?

I'd like you to consider the possibility.....maybe there is somethinge ELSE going on with your SS. Maybe in fact BM IS feeding them appropriately (perhaps not things they like, or perhaps not what you would feed them, but according to all the professinals, she is feeding them enough), and maybe your SS's food stealing issues are related to something entirely different.

Again, I don't want to offend you, but from the outside looking in I keep hearing in your posts "We're SURE she's doing something wrong, we just can't catch her at it"....when in fact several authorities (CPS, Doctor, Counselor, "second, third and fourth opinions from a lawyer") have investigated and found nothing amiss.

I should have been more specific. CPS in the county where BM lives doesn't have a problem with the way things are. CPS in our county does but since the kids live in the other county that county is the one to make the decision. You would think their guidelines would be more universal but they aren't.

We know what's going on at BM's house from what the kids have said, what her family has said, what people who work at the school have said, and it's consistant with what DH witnesses when he lived with BM.

BM's mom lived with her for a few months around a year ago. Her mom hated DH and thought he was making things up. She witnesses the kids not getting enough food as well as a lot of other issues that are abusive but not actually abuse according to CPS. She saw what really goes on. When she called CPS and told DH BM kicked her out. What she saw confirmed what the kids had been saying for a while.

Multiple people who work at the school have noticed the lunch issue. There was a teach, a lunch aid, and and office secretary. This is in a small town where everyone knows everyone. The lunch lady called CPS, the teacher from last year called DH, and the secretary called BM's sister because they are friends. BM and her sister don't talk. By the time the guidance counselor got involved BM was providing more food.

There are only two options 1.) BM's family and the kids are lying and BM is now a completely different person than she was when she was married to DH. or 2.) BM isn't taking proper care of the kids but knows it's wrong so she works hard to hide it.

As far as this being more of an issue with SS, I think it has to do with SD's friends. Her friends have given her extra snacks so she doesn't need to steal anything. SS goes to a different school and they aren't allowed to share food.

Jessys_Girl · November 2012

sabrina69barnes:

Jessys_Girl:

I should have been more specific. CPS in the county where BM lives doesn't have a problem with the way things are. CPS in our county does but since the kids live in the other county that county is the one to make the decision. You would think their guidelines would be more universal but they aren't.

We know what's going on at BM's house from what the kids have said, what her family has said, what people who work at the school have said, and it's consistant with what DH witnesses when he lived with BM.

BM's mom lived with her for a few months around a year ago. Her mom hated DH and thought he was making things up. She witnesses the kids not getting enough food as well as a lot of other issues that are abusive but not actually abuse according to CPS. She saw what really goes on. When she called CPS and told DH BM kicked her out. What she saw confirmed what the kids had been saying for a while.

Multiple people who work at the school have noticed the lunch issue. There was a teach, a lunch aid, and and office secretary. This is in a small town where everyone knows everyone. The lunch lady called CPS, the teacher from last year called DH, and the secretary called BM's sister because they are friends. BM and her sister don't talk. By the time the guidance counselor got involved BM was providing more food.

There are only two options 1.) BM's family and the kids are lying and BM is now a completely different person than she was when she was married to DH. or 2.) BM isn't taking proper care of the kids but knows it's wrong so she works hard to hide it.

As far as this being more of an issue with SS, I think it has to do with SD's friends. Her friends have given her extra snacks so she doesn't need to steal anything. SS goes to a different school and they aren't allowed to share food.

Thanks for more specifics and clarifying. I didn't wnat to sound like I was on the attack, and I'm afraid I might've sounded that way so I apologize.

You say CPS in your county sees this as a problem. Are they willing to give you a written statement to that effect? That might be enough for you to go to court on (even if CPS in BM's county is the decision making agency for whether they get removed from her care, at least if you go in front of a judge and show that YOUR CPS agency reports that this is unhealthy and neglectful, maybe the judge will change the custody or visitation or whatever).

I am so sorry the kids are going through this and hope you can find some way to get this in front of the custody judge.

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