Six Months & Relationship Woes (vent) — The Bump
Babies: 3 - 6 Months

Six Months & Relationship Woes (vent)

Anyone else struggling to adjust to their 'new' role, or relationship dynamic since LO came along?  Not only is any romance that we once shared now non-existent, but I feel like hubby's concern or thoughtfulness for me has evaporated, as well, and he has become very self-centered and, well - sort of a jerk.  He has stopped helping with dishes or cleaning bottles/pumping parts.  If he changes a diaper he just leaves the dirty one sitting around on the changing table, can't quite manage to THROW IT AWAY.  I get up with baby each and every morning and have asked on weekends that he give me one morning to sleep in, but that only seems to happen once every month or two and he grumbles about it, at that. On weekends, he typically will sleep until 10:00 a.m. (me and LO are up between 6 and 7) and then make a point of either telling me 'how tired' he's been lately, or 'how amazing' it felt to get so much sleep.  I just want to cry.

Every night, he comes home from work, sits down in front of the TV(which never used to be on so often), picks up his laptop and... that's it.  I come home from work and don't stop working at least until the baby is asleep... laundry, cooking, dishes, playing with baby, changing, feeding, etc... I can't think of one time in the last month where he has offered to help or just taken any initiative, other than to play with the baby.  I also do all the grocery shopping and now with the holidays, it is my task to figure out what to give, and purchase all gifts, for both sides of the family.  He is also drinking a lot but tries to keep it on the down low and is sort of sneaky about it.

This is not what our day-to-day was like before.  I mean, lots changed once we were married, but we still had this real 'partnership' that included sharing chores, having fun, goofy romance and a somewhat decent sex life...I have tried to talk to him about why I need him to do more, and how it is making me feel but he just gets very angry, defensive and sarcastic. I feel like our relationship is now more like two roommates, who happen to share a baby.

Re: Six Months & Relationship Woes (vent)

  • I am having the same problem with my H. It has actually gotten so bad that I told him he can go stay somewhere else. If I am going to do EVERTHING on my own, I refuse to do it while he's sitting on his A$$ watching tv. This happened with my ex as well which is what ended our 12 year relationship. I don't know what it is but apparently some men can't hanle change OR responsibility. This shocked me with H because I have an 8 year old DD from a previous relationship & he has always been a huge help with her. I have no idea where to even begin.....I have tried nicely asking, letting him know I am frustrated, I've tried making plans to get out so he'll be here alone (but then I come home to a pile of dirty diapers & a sink full of dishes, bottles, ect.) & have no choice but to help. I can't offer any advice but please know you aren't alone!

    ETA: The best part of this is H is actually asking when I'll be ready for the next baby!

  • Your hubby is probably feeling left out and a bit resentful (subconsciously).  I would try to plan a date night or give him some attention and TLC when baby goes to bed.  Sometimes men are harder to take care of than the babies LOL.  I don't have this problem, my husband helps with everything and our relationship has actually gotten stronger and we are doin the deed at least 3 times a week :) but I have heard your situation from other women.  If you still can't get through to him, if I were you I would consider going to counseling together.
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  • Got to communicate. Not "nag" him as he might see it, but honestly communicate to him that he's hurting you. Likely he is unaware of the work you're doing. If you can't seem to put it all in words, put it in actions. If he's sitting on the couch watching TV, hand him the baby and say that you are doing laundry. ASK him to cook or do dishes. Sometimes we expect that our SO's can see what we're quietly doing or see the expression on our faces but that isn't always the case. Likely he is a little jealous and resentful because he didn't really understand how much his life would change with a baby, and then he feels guilty for feeling that. You have to let him be honest and not punish his feelings so that he can do the same for you. We feel what we feel, there is no such thing as a "bad" emotion, just bad actions.

    My hubby is all out a great Daddy. He's a SAHD with a weekend job. We make time to be together  and make a point of having a safe, open dialogue every month, a sort of check in. Even he admits that he wasn't prepared for the severe change in our sex life that came with baby and breastfeeding. At the same time, he was so happy to boast to his brothers that "WE"RE" breastfeeding. It's all about communication.

    Good luck! 

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  • Well, it's nice to know that some husbands are helpful, thoughtful and good communicators - you ladies are super lucky. the man I married is/was caring, thoughtful and supportive, my best friend and my lover, but that has changed significantly since baby. And how awesome that your sex life is rockin' 3 x week! I don't 'nag' my husband, I ask things like, "hey, can you help me with these dishes tonight? or, "It would really help if you could take care of the kitchen this evening".  Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.  But I really don't think I should have to ask every time there is a chore to be done.  I have tried to do periodic check ins with him (I call them State of the Union meetings, lol) and he may agree to do more or set up a schedule for chore sharing (really?), but it doesn't go anywhere after that.  Over Thanksgiving we went away to be with family, and instead of hanging out with us, he went fishing.  All day.  Every day.  I told him I had hoped to spend some time with him, but he simply said he 'needed' the fishing.  He did nothing baby-wise the entire time we were gone.  It will be the same when we travel for Christmas.

  • image desertmouse39:

     I ask things like, "hey, can you help me with these dishes tonight? or, "It would really help if you could take care of the kitchen this evening".  Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.  But I really don't think I should have to ask every time there is a chore to be done.  I have tried to do periodic check ins with him (I call them State of the Union meetings, lol) and he may agree to do more or set up a schedule for chore sharing (really?), but it doesn't go anywhere after that.  Over Thanksgiving we went away to be with family, and instead of hanging out with us, he went fishing.  All day.  Every day.  I told him I had hoped to spend some time with him, but he simply said he 'needed' the fishing.  He did nothing baby-wise the entire time we were gone.  It will be the same when we travel for Christmas.

     

    I am sorry you're going through this.  it sounds like he's really not responding to your attempts to talk about it.  And I agree 100%, you shouldn't have to ask every time. He should be able to take the initiative.  I don't want to be too nosy but is this baby something you both wanted?  Or just you?

    I think couples counseling may be the best bet.

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  • Also I think its very sad and pretty serious that he didn't spend time with you on Thanksgiving.
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  • Everything you and the first commenter said is exactly what is happening to me too. We aren't married though and with this behavior I don't believe we ever will be. The good thing about this is that I have been able to become indifferent since this relationship won't last much longer. I've had enough BS.
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  • I'm sorry to know others are having such a hard time in this area, too.  I want to believe that this can be worked out and I feel committed to my marriage but the negative feelings are so overwhelming :(  I want/need him to just MAN UP - yes, this is hard, yes, the chores are never-ending, yes. it sucks to be tired all the time but we can, and need to do this together.  I don't want to think about the alternatives, because it's either "not" doing this together (ie separating) or continuing like this, with me angry and sad all the time.  I wish I knew what changed - it wasn't like this for the first few months with baby.  I've asked him and he says, "nothing's changed, I just want to come home and relax after work."  SO FRUSTRATING.
  • i was in a very similar situation with my SO during my pregnancy and when LO was a newborn. I can feel your pain and he is not right for treating you this way. My dad gave me some great advice when I was crying to him about my SO's behavior... he pointed out that I am the mom now and that I have to be tough, even if it means being a b*tch to SO (which he deserved anyways).

    If he wont talk to you then stop being nice and start being serious! My SO tried the sleeping in bs...so I would wake him right up and put baby next to him in bed (I made sure that he did not fall back to sleep with baby in bed). At night turn that tv right off and let him know that there are things around the house that need to be dealt with by both of you and maybe afterwards you guys can watch a movie. Hey, if he wants to act like a child treat him like one.

    My situation escalated to the point of me packing up the baby and going to my sisters for the weekend with a threat to not return (it was really bad)...and it worked. I hated to resort to that but I could not be with someone who was going to act like having a new baby was a huge inconvenience to him!

    I have been pretty tough ever since and we get along much better. It may not be your style, but it worked for me. I really hope that you guys can fix this for your LO's sake

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  • and my SO is the king of negativity and whiny comments, especially about how tired he is. Ive just started to ignore that and its made it easier. we're all tired, they need to get over it.
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  • image Snow__White__Queen:
    Everything you and the first commenter said is exactly what is happening to me too. We aren't married though and with this behavior I don't believe we ever will be. The good thing about this is that I have been able to become indifferent since this relationship won't last much longer. I've had enough BS.

     Same thing here :(

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