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pregnancy shock

Unexpected pregnancyUnexpected pregnancy
in 1st Trimester
I am going to be a single mom. The father and I have had this "relationship" for 2 1/2 years but no commitment from him. When I told him he was very calm and even when i gave him the option of having nothing to do with either me or the baby he chose to be involved. A couple weeks later he wanted to talk about going a different route and wanted me to consider abortion. I told him that is not an option for me. I know he is scared and overwhelmed. I'm not sure how I should handle things with him. If i just need to give him time. If there is anything i can say or do to help him through this.  Any suggestions would be appreciated. 
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Re: pregnancy shock

  • emolmemolm
    Forget helping him through this. You need to focus on yourself and your child.

    Edit: And if he can't accept the consequences of his actions, then he needs to keep it in his pants. Good on you for handling this like a woman, OP.
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  • devwhelmdevwhelm
    I don't think it is your responsibility to try to help him through this. He is either in or he is out. He needs to decide. Asking you to have an abortion seems more like he wants out.

    For now, take care of yourself and your baby. If he comes around, he does... if he doesn't and you've already chosen to raise your baby, then you will be better off moving on.
    Good luck either way!
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  • oliversmom03oliversmom03 member

    imageUnexpected pregnancy:
    I am going to be a single mom. The father and I have had this "relationship" for 2 1/2 years but no commitment from him. When I told him he was very calm and even when i gave him the option of having nothing to do with either me or the baby he chose to be involved. A couple weeks later he wanted to talk about going a different route and wanted me to consider abortion. I told him that is not an option for me. I know he is scared and overwhelmed. I'm not sure how I should handle things with him. If i just need to give him time. If there is anything i can say or do to help him through this.  Any suggestions would be appreciated. 

    This!  

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  • lynseflynsef member
    As PP said you need to focus on taking care of you and your baby.  He may need some more time to absorb the information and when he does he will either be involved or not.  You can't make him want to be involved if he doesn't.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.  I hope everything works out for the best.
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    Focus on you and your baby. I would try to get some financial support from the father though. He needs to help you whether he wants to or not. You need the money and your LO is entitled to it. Make him pay through the courts if you have to. He knew that unprotected sex makes babies.


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  • skinamarinkadinkado2skinamarinkadinkado2 member

    I kinda can relate, me and BD were together when concieved and found out, but right before we found out he said he didnt want to have kids anymore. Anyways he was super mad when we found out and scared i think, he told me i needed to get rid of it and i told him that wasnt going to happen and he knew that when i got with him. It took about a week or so for him to chill out and now hes really supportive and is there for me and our baby. 

    I didnt try to help him through it I just gave him time and space to think about things and to get his life straightened out with his new job and what not. He came around on his own, so I think you should relax and just enjoy this pregnancy and see if he comes around on his own.

    side note: i think seeing the first u/s and knowing the baby had a hb is what really brought my BD around! 

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  • emolmemolm
    imagePrimRoseMama:
    Focus on you and your baby. I would try to get some financial support from the father though. He needs to help you whether he wants to or not. You need the money and your LO is entitled to it. Make him pay through the courts if you have to. He knew that unprotected sex makes babies.


    This for sure.
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  • lukafoo74lukafoo74 member
    I think it depends on the guy. I have a couple cousins that were basically left to fend or themselves after they became pregnant, but some of the guys like my brothers stuck around. Hopefully he is one of the good ones. Sometimes it just takes some time for them to adjust. 
    Carrie An infertility veteran, survivor and champion. However, have a beautiful son and another one on the way!
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  • JCWhiteyJCWhitey member
    Since I don't know your baby's father I can't say whether or not the situation will work itself out, but I agree with the PPs that you need to focus on yourself.  The clinic I go to has a great single mom support group for women who are in the very situation you are, so I'd look to see if there's something like that in your area.  It might be helpful to speak with a professional about what you are having to deal with and get the support of other Moms like you.  Good job sticking to your guns, too!

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  • GalLauraGalLaura member
    I wish you the best of luck. I know my pregnancy is unplanned and shocked me and my husband. We are still trying to process it and its been several weeks.  I say follow your instincts on this one. In your heart, you know what you and your baby want and deserve.  
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  • StarshineRStarshineR

    I don't want to get too controversial here, but I suppose I will.

    First of all, OP, morally, your man is not just financially liable, but he is also emotionally/socially/whatever liable to your child's well-being. He should not only pay money, but also provide his time and even his labour. He has to be in that child's life. It's not up to *you* to decide that the father has a right to back out and leave. He does *not* have that right. He is obligated to you and the child until the child is born, and then to the child until it's old enough to care for himself. Period. 

    Really, folks, it's not just the money here. Money can provide the physical resources, but that child also needs a DAD. Do some of you even care about that?

    Second, and this is for everyone and its going to really get people's knickers in a twist, is it not a bit unfair that she has a *right* to choose to terminate the kid, while Dad here has the legal "responsibility" to care of the child? No, that's not fair. That's not just. That's not right. I'm sorry. Either you support that child's right to the care of *both* of the parents absolutely, or you don't. 

    Sorry. *ducks from the flamethrowers*

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  • hollandmamahollandmama member
    imageStarshineR:

    I don't want to get too controversial here, but I suppose I will.

    First of all, OP, morally, your man is not just financially liable, but he is also emotionally/socially/whatever liable to your child's well-being. He should not only pay money, but also provide his time and even his labour. He has to be in that child's life. It's not up to *you* to decide that the father has a right to back out and leave. He does *not* have that right. He is obligated to you and the child until the child is born, and then to the child until it's old enough to care for himself. Period. 

    Really, folks, it's not just the money here. Money can provide the physical resources, but that child also needs a DAD. Do some of you even care about that?

    Second, and this is for everyone and its going to really get people's knickers in a twist, is it not a bit unfair that she has a *right* to choose to terminate the kid, while Dad here has the legal "responsibility" to care of the child? No, that's not fair. That's not just. That's not right. I'm sorry. Either you support that child's right to the care of *both* of the parents absolutely, or you don't. 

    Sorry. *ducks from the flamethrowers*

     I'm with you on this, I personally think nobody has the right to terminate a child, whether the government says so or not. So it either goes both ways (mom and dad can choose to terminate) or it doesn't go at all! 

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  • NeinerBopper13NeinerBopper13 member

    What a wise group of women! Smile

    I couldn't agree more with what everyone is saying- focus on you & baby! If he wants you to have an abortion & you clearly are against the idea, you two have different ideals. I'm happy to hear you are choosing life! Just the fact that you are reaching out for help shows you will make it thought this! Congrats, mama!

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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    imageStarshineR:

    I don't want to get too controversial here, but I suppose I will.

    First of all, OP, morally, your man is not just financially liable, but he is also emotionally/socially/whatever liable to your child's well-being. He should not only pay money, but also provide his time and even his labour. He has to be in that child's life. It's not up to *you* to decide that the father has a right to back out and leave. He does *not* have that right. He is obligated to you and the child until the child is born, and then to the child until it's old enough to care for himself. Period. 

    Really, folks, it's not just the money here. Money can provide the physical resources, but that child also needs a DAD. Do some of you even care about that?

    Second, and this is for everyone and its going to really get people's knickers in a twist, is it not a bit unfair that she has a *right* to choose to terminate the kid, while Dad here has the legal "responsibility" to care of the child? No, that's not fair. That's not just. That's not right. I'm sorry. Either you support that child's right to the care of *both* of the parents absolutely, or you don't. 

    Sorry. *ducks from the flamethrowers*

    Oh Starshine! LOL.

    1) I do care about the dude being a father, but it sounds like he doesn't give two shiits. You can't make someone care about their kid. Yes, WE care, but it sounds like HE doesn't. So, the next best thing to active, loving involvement is taking this POS to the cleaners so that the mother can help give this baby the best start possible.

    2.)This guy just doesn't want to deal with a kid (which is fine that is his decision, but so is the mother's right to keep the kid). I say no uterus, no opinion. Sorry. If she is willing to go through with the pregnancy and raising the kid then that's just tough tinsel for the dude. He should have put a raincoat on it if he was worried about it. I might feel differently if she wanted to terminate and he was all about raising/loving/being a father to kid. Even then its not his body or life that he is risking by being pregnant. She should not be forced to be an i incubator if she doesn't want to. Also, there is no guaruntee that once she pops out the kid that he will make good on his promises he made when she was forced to carry to term and give birth. He could bail and she'd be screwed. Not fair. 

    So yeah. I think drama is like whipped cream for my coffee. A delightful addition to the morning.  


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  • CswidnickiCswidnicki

    imagePrimRoseMama:
    Focus on you and your baby. I would try to get some financial support from the father though. He needs to help you whether he wants to or not. You need the money and your LO is entitled to it. Make him pay through the courts if you have to. He knew that unprotected sex makes babies.

     This!

    I am very proud of you and the way you are handling this, but I have seen first hand how hard it is without financial support. My sister has been doing it alone since my niece's dad left on her 3rd bday. So if you can get any financial support agreed upon, then that is a good start.

    Stop worrying so much about him, like the other ladies have said, and worry about being great to you and baby.

    *hug*

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  • Wedding on the Beach 2008Wedding on the Beach 2008

    imagePrimRoseMama:
    Focus on you and your baby. I would try to get some financial support from the father though. He needs to help you whether he wants to or not. You need the money and your LO is entitled to it. Make him pay through the courts if you have to. He knew that unprotected sex makes babies.

     

    Yes 

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