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Blended Families
APotterHead
member
Fulltime Step-Mom with IF
APotterHead
member
Hello. I am new to this site. I have been lurking in both blended families, Military Families and 3TC for a while. I recently became active in 3TC, but thought I put an intro here too!
I am a full-time stepmom to 2 boys, ages 8 and 10. We have had full custody of them since they were 2 and 4. Their bio-Mom is off and on involved, and her lack of involvement, but insistance that she is their "Mom" angers me frequently. We try to involve her and even push it more than we should, but she is just a selfish being.
We are also struggling with IF. I was wondering if any other women in here have gone through IF? How do you deal while raising kids that are not your bio-kids? Sometimes I get frustrated (not with them or anyone) that my DH could have kids with a deadbeat, but we can't. Its a weird situation. Any advice or personal stories?
Thank you!
Me: 34 - Hydrosalpinx
DH: 33
Previous history
IUI switched to TI x6 = BFN
IUI x2 = BFN
Essure procedure for hydro
New starts
*Possibly starting clomid in Sept or Oct
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Fulltime Step-Mom with IF
Not to be snarky, but she IS their mom... She may not act like it, and she may be absent most of the time, but she is your SS's mom. It sounds like you are much more of a mom to them than she is, your SS's possibly call you mom(?), and I'm sure your SS's recognize you as their mom over her.
Welcome to the board, and I'm sorry for your IF
. T&Ps your way!
I have two full-time SSs. BM has very little to do with them. It was very hard during TTC (before I accepted IF) because BM pops out babies and then leaves them to others to raise. I used to get very frustrated that I chose not to have children at an early age but yet here I was raising them. Now that I am pregnant, I am worried about day care, college expenses, and braces all at the same time. BM... she is living life without any of her children.
I am not their mom. I hope that they know that I would never hurt them or abandon them like she has done. I have small moments that make it worth it. SS1 gave me a plant for mother's day. SS2 made me breakfast.
Just remember you are doing a wonderful thing and you are making the children's lives better.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
Another similar one here. We have DH's older two, 11 and 13 and our LO, 1. We've had the kids full time mostly without her involvement for 5 years. We waited for a long time to TTC because we wanted our LO to be born in a better environment. I thought it would never happen.
In my case I am 'Mom', but that doesn't stop them from gettting mad and throwing things like 'I'm going to go live with my real mom' or 'You aren't my mother' around.
It was really hard for me dealing with IF and having a SS. I was secretyly angry with my DH because we had MFI and his ex got pg without trying. I felt like she got his one lucky sperm.
I know it was irrational and I never let on to anyone that I felt that way. Admitting it to myself was huge though and it made me feel better, if that makes any sense.
I don't have any good advice other than saying IF sucks.
Thank you for the advice. I was wondering more about the IF part than anything. As far as being a step-mom and dealing with BM, well, we got that kind of figured out. Her and I are on very good terms, and most of my frustration with her comes from her NOT being there for them.
As far as her being their Mom... you're snark was not deserved. I am the one who constantly pushes that, asks her to be involved, reminds her she is their Mom all the time. I'd never try to replace her, but I AM THEIR MOTHER. Seeing them twice a year does not make you Mom, giving birth does not make you Mom, not paying child support, buying school clothes, holiday/birthday gifts does not make you Mom, not attending sports events, holiday programs, NEVER being to a first day of school does not make you Mom.
Yes, she gave birth and in that sense will always be their 'Mom', I don't need that reminder, thanks... but I am their Mother. I wish she would be their Mom more.
Karma1969,,, I feel that was sometimes too! Sooooo irrational I know, but so frustrating.
Me: 34 - Hydrosalpinx DH: 33
Previous history
IUI switched to TI x6 = BFN
IUI x2 = BFN
Essure procedure for hydro
New starts
*Possibly starting clomid in Sept or Oct
Wow, my heart goes out to you. My situation isn't really like yours, but I can relate to really wanting to conceive with the man I am with while raising his kids (albeit part-time). We TTC for 2.5 years and finally succeeded au natural. My DH was clear that he didn't want to undergo any kind of testing or ART, so if it was meant to be fine, but otherwise no-go. Incidentally I do have a 10 y.o. by a previous relationship (I am 36)...so the IF was a surprise, though the BFP knocked my socks off - I had pretty much lost hope of having a second child.
My best advice: don't lose hope of conceiving your own bio-child! There is a great IF book "Making Babies" that is written by a western infertility specialist (S.David) and an acupuncturist (J.Blakeway). I practice Chinese Medicine and I know the knowledge I gained from the eastern perspective made all the difference for the LO I am carrying.
I can related in a way, but your situation is different than mine. We used to have 50/50 custody and now only have summer and holiday visitation. I can't tell you how many times I just wish SS's mom wasn't in the picture like your Skids. I know it wouldn't be good for SS, so it's not a wish that I want to come true, but it would be easier for me. You get the satisfaction of feeling like you are these kids mom, I don't. I do not in any way feel like I'm mom to SS, only a mother figure.
I have dealt with IF for the last year. It has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and I can't tell you how much harder it was to have to look into the eyes of a child in my home that was not mine but my husband's only. It's painful and I've had much anger. But, I love my SS and this is where I choose to be. I was actually underway toward finding peace with being a childless stepmom over the last few weeks. Thinking of the things that I could enjoy out of life from all sides. I just found out I'm pregnant, naturally, during a break in my IF cycles. I'm hoping this is it for me. I have always felt like having my own children would center me and stop me from sometimes feeling like an outsider in my home. I don't think you have to deal with this since your Skids are always with you and there's that consistency. But in the end, I feel like it was a journey to get to the point where I had to realize that life is what you make of it, no matter what it has offered up to you. Earlier this year I had a pregnancy and a loss, it was tragic and really took this amount of time to get back to myself. This time I feel like I'm more ready for any outcome of this pregnancy, good or bad.
Best of luck to you in your journey.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!