Is it selfish of me? (baby mentioned)

jenn0021 · November 2012

So my brother and his wife had their baby last Saturday. I found out via a facebook message. Which was fine, but I expected a phone call shortly after. Nothing. I've heard from my mom twice since the birth. Oh well, I guess it's a sign of the times.

Here's my question though. A part of me really wanted someone (at least my mom) to ask how I was holding up. How I was dealing with it. How I felt. I know it's a little selfish of me but my familiy all knows about my loss, they know how much I want a baby, they know how hard it for me to watch SIL's pregnancy progress (it was a surprise pregnancy), and my mom had been good at understanding. Up until the birth. I just feel a little hurt. Is it selfish of me to feel this way?

ZAngel · November 2012

I don't think you are being selfish. I believe someone should ask how you are doing. This is a very hard time for you! I'm sorry they aren't there for you when you really need them. ((HUGS))

km_md · November 2012

I read the title, saw your SN and immediately thought "No, it is not selfish", because you are so kind and sweet. After reading the post, I feel the same way. I think it is only natural to want someone to ask how you are doing, even if you are doing okay. It just shows that someone cares about you and what you have been through. Watching her pregnancy must have been so difficult. I'm sorry that you aren't getting the support you should IRL. Big ((hugs)) Jenn.

Rachaeleigh · November 2012

Not selfish at all.

ravenclaw1 · November 2012

not selfish at all. that should seriously be on the top of everyones mind, honestly.

when I saw my family last week, they were all very aware that I might not be able to hang out with my little niece and were really good about it. that was absolutely necessary for me to be able to get through it.

jenn0021 · November 2012

km_md:
I read the title, saw your SN and immediately thought "No, it is not selfish", because you are so kind and sweet. After reading the post, I feel the same way. I think it is only natural to want someone to ask how you are doing, even if you are doing okay. It just shows that someone cares about you and what you have been through. Watching her pregnancy must have been so difficult. I'm sorry that you aren't getting the support you should IRL. Big ((hugs)) Jenn.

You're so nice. I'm glad that I'm not completely wrapped up in my own grief that I'm thinking irrationally. Good thing I have you ladies to turn to.

lolee465 · November 2012

I don't think it's selfish at all. ((hugs))

buggirl72 · November 2012

Not selfish at all (((hugs))).

jenn0021 · November 2012

car seat:

Not even a little selfish. I'm sorry that you're being missed in all of this. (((hugs)))

Tell us how you're doing, love. We're here and you can come to us any time. I know it's not the same, but we'll do what we can.

Thank you. I know that you understand. Smile

I'm doing okay. I've been in a bit of funk all week though and my heart hurts a little more each time I see another congratulations message on her wall on FB about how wonderful of a mom she will be. I just keep thinking, why not me. And I feel like I can't really tell anyone IRL how I feel because they will all think I'm horrible for not being happier for my brother and his wife. I can't even tell DH. I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a cliff and something little might just tip me off the edge.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · November 2012

Not selfish in the slightest. We're entitled to feel how we feel and people (especially those closest to you) should be asking how you're doing/holding up. So sorry they're not. {{HUGS}}

ravenclaw1 · November 2012

jenn0021:

And I feel like I can't really tell anyone IRL how I feel because they will all think I'm horrible for not being happier for my brother and his wife

I bet you'd be surprised. Not to keep bringing everything back to me (sorry, totes not trying to be an AW) but literally everyone asked me if I was ok seeing my niece, how I held up, etc. I think people understand more than you may give them credit for.

misternmiss · November 2012

jenn0021:
So my brother and his wife had their baby last Saturday. I found out via a facebook message. Which was fine, but I expected a phone call shortly after. Nothing. I've heard from my mom twice since the birth. Oh well, I guess it's a sign of the times.
Here's my question though. A part of me really wanted someone at least my mom to ask how I was holding up. How I was dealing with it. How I felt. I know it's a little selfish of me but my familiy all knows about my loss, they know how much I want a baby, they know how hard it for me to watch SIL'snbsp;pregnancy progress it was a surprise pregnancy, and my mom had been good at understanding. Up until the birth. I just feel a little hurt. Is it selfish of me to feel this way?

Absolutely not selfish at all. Your brother and SIL experienced a momentous occasion; congrats are appropriate. You are experiencing sadness and grief; hugs and a "how are you doing with all of this?" would be equally appropriate AND important! And I'm sorry your family isn't recognizing that. But we're here for you. [[[Hugs]]]

ETA: Sorry, I didn't mean to hit the quote button. :::stupid sausage fingers:::

TLR813 · November 2012

Not selfish at all!! I can't believe you had to find out via facebook, and that no one checked on you?

My family didn't say much when my brother and SIL had their baby a few months ago. I think they're afraid to bring things up, thinking I'll get upset. The truth is it feels like they've forgotten about the losses.

Huge hugs Jenn!!!

ejb23 · November 2012

My best friend had her baby this past weekend as well. She was pretty good at asking me how I was doing after I saw her and the baby the first time but I feel like the rest of our friend group didn't even think about it. We had a get together while she was in labor and I felt really sad no one asked me how it was impacting me or how I felt, etc. I don't think it is selfish at all...I think it's normal and it sucks

mmdd20 · November 2012

Not selfish at all. Your mother, of all people, should have thought of you and how you might feel.

jenn0021 · November 2012

TLR813:

Not selfish at all!! I can't believe you had to find out via facebook, and that no one checked on you?

My family didn't say much when my brother and SIL had their baby a few months ago. I think they're afraid to bring things up, thinking I'll get upset. The truth is it feels like they've forgotten about the losses.

Huge hugs Jenn!!!

Yup, Facebook. I was part of a group message to family and close friends. They were keeping us all updated on the labour and how things were progressing. So they told us when she was born. I just assumed we would also get a phone call.

And I'm sorry that you can relate to how I'm feeling. ((hugs)) back to you.

TLR813 · November 2012

jenn0021:
TLR813:

Not selfish at all!! I can't believe you had to find out via facebook, and that no one checked on you?

My family didn't say much when my brother and SIL had their baby a few months ago. I think they're afraid to bring things up, thinking I'll get upset. The truth is it feels like they've forgotten about the losses.

Huge hugs Jenn!!!

Yup, Facebook. I was part of a group message to family and close friends. They were keeping us all updated on the labour and how things were progressing. So they told us when she was born. I just assumed we would also get a phone call.

And I'm sorry that you can relate to how I'm feeling. ((hugs)) back to you.

Thanks! I'm feeling much better now. That could also be because I've only seen her a handful of times.

How are YOU feeling? Have you seen her yet?

lindsayanne14 · November 2012

As pp have all said, you aren't being selfish in the least! Hugs!

csspencer · November 2012

No, not selfish at all to expect those your family to ask how you are doing.

jenn0021 · November 2012

TLR813:
jenn0021:
TLR813:

Not selfish at all!! I can't believe you had to find out via facebook, and that no one checked on you?

My family didn't say much when my brother and SIL had their baby a few months ago. I think they're afraid to bring things up, thinking I'll get upset. The truth is it feels like they've forgotten about the losses.

Huge hugs Jenn!!!

Yup, Facebook. I was part of a group message to family and close friends. They were keeping us all updated on the labour and how things were progressing. So they told us when she was born. I just assumed we would also get a phone call.

And I'm sorry that you can relate to how I'm feeling. ((hugs)) back to you.

Thanks! I'm feeling much better now. That could also be because I've only seen her a handful of times.

How are YOU feeling? Have you seen her yet?

Thanks hon. I responded to carseats thread up above how I was doing. Okay. Although I am having a hard week. And no, I haven't seen her yet. Fortunately, they live 7 hours away so we will be seeing them when we are home visiting at New Years.

TLR813 · November 2012

jenn0021:
TLR813:
jenn0021:
TLR813:

Not selfish at all!! I can't believe you had to find out via facebook, and that no one checked on you?

My family didn't say much when my brother and SIL had their baby a few months ago. I think they're afraid to bring things up, thinking I'll get upset. The truth is it feels like they've forgotten about the losses.

Huge hugs Jenn!!!

Yup, Facebook. I was part of a group message to family and close friends. They were keeping us all updated on the labour and how things were progressing. So they told us when she was born. I just assumed we would also get a phone call.

And I'm sorry that you can relate to how I'm feeling. ((hugs)) back to you.

Thanks! I'm feeling much better now. That could also be because I've only seen her a handful of times.

How are YOU feeling? Have you seen her yet?

Thanks hon. I responded to carseats thread up above how I was doing. Okay. Although I am having a hard week. And no, I haven't seen her yet. Fortunately, they live 7 hours away so we will be seeing them when we are home visiting at New Years.

Oh crap, sorry! I need to start reading before I jump to respond Stick out tongue

funny bunny · November 2012

That's not selfish.

It's pretty sad how quickly people forget about this pain that we have to deal with every day. You are completely valid in wanting a little TLC at this time.

Smootiepie · November 2012

If you're selfish, then I'm right there with you. When both of my friends had their babies this year, I thought for sure someone would ask me how I was doing (all of our friends know about both the CP and the IF). Not a peep.

*HUGS* sweetie.

RunningGal900 · November 2012

I don't think that's selfish at all. That has to be a really hard situation. I'm sorry you are going through that.

QuigleyCat1 · November 2012

Nope! I'm sorry Jenn. {HUGE HUGS}

amberpro · November 2012

I don't think it's at all selfish of you to want your mom to remember your pain. It's your mom. ((hugs))

heather52904 · November 2012

I don't think it's at all selfish. I'm sorry your family hasn't been more conisderate of your feelings. ((HUGS))

Laurakat81 · November 2012

It's not selfish at all. I'm sorry Jenn. ((((hugs))))

SA1112 · November 2012

Nope, not selfish at all! I felt this way many times...including after the recent birth of my nephew. I just wanted someone to ask me how I was doing because although I love him it was actually pretty hard on me. I finally said something to my mom and she said 'well you seemed like you were doing fine and I didn't want to make you sad again'.... maybe that's how your mom is thinking? Regardless, I don't think you're wrong for feeling this way. ((hugs))

yesthisiskim0401 · November 2012

I don't think it's selfish in the least bit. I think your brother should have told you in a more personal way since he understands your situation. I hate that technology has gotten in the way of real communication. Hugs!

CaliforniaDream87 · November 2012

Definitely not selfish.

HUGS

ErinE683 · November 2012

I agree with everyone, you're not being selfish at all. I would feel the same way. I hope someone checks in on you soon, because its so hard to go through the motions of acting happy about them when you're hurting so much!

GavinRonansMom · November 2012

I don't think that is selfish, I just think sometimes people don't think. I will be dealing with this soon as well and I am not looking forward to it.

KMW08 · November 2012

Not at all selfish! *BIG BIG HUGS* PG mention in next paragraph:

In relation I'm scared about the same scenario, my bil & his "woman" are due in Feb & I know I'm going to be a complete wreck. I'm so scared that my in laws are just going to forget about me when this baby gets here (they know about our losses), it's going to kill me that we weren't the first, which they're still upset about how this has all turned out, but I know when that baby gets here and paternity is proven, I'm out the window. *sigh* I try to be positive and realistic as this might be the only grandchild MIL will get to have while she's alive (she has cancer & this past year she's had a lot of ups and downs and I know it's only going to get worse, and I forsee this coming sooner rather than later).

RedPhoenix625 · November 2012

Absolutely not! I'm sorry your family isn't being as supportive to you as you need them to be right now.

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