Mil Update, more advice needed
I posted back in mid-Oct about my mil (makes no effort to see dd, but constantly tells family I refuse to let her see dd) and not wanting to go to thanksgiving with dh's family. You ladies once again gave amazing advice and we all went to dh's house for thanksgiving.
We make the hour plus drive with dd during her nap time to spend time with people that cannot be bothered with us. To get there to find out from dh's aunt, that dh's mom, brother, and nephew have decided to have their own thanksgiving at my mil's house that we were not invited too. Dh is beyond hurt. How do you complain that you don't get to see her and you have an opportunity to see her and you don't take it.
Mil refused to answer the phone when Dh called her, but texted him happy thanksgiving to you and your family. Bil texted Dh a long guilt trip. Do you call your family and your Dh's family and ask them to come over and see your lo? My family takes an active role in seeing dd and will call to come over to see her or invite us over to their homes.
My question is where do we go from here? Last year Mil ruined Christmas Eve for us, and I don't want it ruined again.
Re: Mil Update, more advice needed
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"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
My mil is a nightmare!!! Constantly complains that she never gets to see ds but she makes no effort too. Yes, she lives in another state but its only and hour and 15 minute drive. My mom lives 1 hour away and she makes the effort to come visit at least every other weekend. Mil constantly tries to make dh feel bad and he finally told her she had to make the effort. Since he works retail he never gets time off, especially during the holidays. Mil has already thrown a fit that we refuse to come down Christmas Eve and spend the night because we want ds to wake up Christmas mornign in his own house.
I think if you have made an honest effort and she still wants to act like that then I wouldn't worry about her. She is acting like a child. I know it will hurt dh but you, dh, and baby come first. That is yalls family first. If she cares enough she will make the effort.
Honestly, I would claim Christmas Eve and Christmas morning as yours. Your family has grown, DD is going to be old enough to sense tension soon. There's no sense in ruining a holiday that is supposed to be magical for her.
Your MIL has 363 other days per year to make your life miserable, and to make your DH confused as to his relationship with her. Take back this holiday.
My parents and my ILs operate in completely different ways. My ILs will call and tell us they're 30 minutes from the house. They don't care if they show up and the house is a wreck. They offer to help take the boys so we can clean/hang out just us two. My parents, on the other hand, need an invitation and the house needs to be in semi-presentable condition for them to feel comfortable. We get that. The first year with DS1 was pretty rough because we weren't all on the same page. Now that we've talked it out, and cleared the air, we all know what each other expects and things work out wonderfully.
Wait until after the 1st of the New Year and invite them over for dinner. Let them ruin a regular Sunday meal. Don't let them destroy another holiday. If she can spend the rest of 2013 working on repairing a damaged relationship, then you can trust her to be around for the holidays.
My advice is to speak to her. Or, have DH speak to her. Just be blunt. What do you need from us? What are we not giving you? Please let us know what we can do to mend this relationship. We will do our part to ensure that we give you what you need.
The entire issue with my mother in 2010 was stupid. It was all a huge miscommunication. Both of us made assumptions about each other that were completely wrong, and that made both of us resentful and angry and hurt. I stepped up and took the blame. My mother still hasn't apologized, but I don't really give a rat's ass. She has been nothing but wonderful to my boys and her and my relationship is in pretty good shape. I've just let it all go.
The past needs to remain in the past. If you want a relationship with her to preserve a "whole" family for your child(ren), then YOU are responsible for stepping up. If you have too much pride, or just don't want to make the effort then I suspect it's just not worth it to you. That's OK. Just leave it. Don't invite her, and move on with your life.
I agree with everything JnK said. I would highly suggest having a blunt and straight forward conversation like she suggested. I would however, suggest that your DH be the one having the conversation. 1. He needs to take a stand for HIS family 2. You may only become more of the villain, if you are the one bringing the conversation to the table.
Also, like JnK said... this whole situation could really be a HUGE misunderstanding in the way each of you communicates and expects from each other. You guys may never feel like you get through to her, but once you figure out how she operates then you can manage the situation better.
P.S. The separate Thanksgiving she pulled is complete BS. How hurtful.
I think you did the right thing in putting forth the effort to go to Thanksgiving. I'm sorry his family ruined it for you, but at least you know you gave it your best try to see them.
I agree with what J&K said. There is no reason to ruin another holiday. Do what YOU want to do on Christmas Eve and Christmas and have a great time. There are plenty of other days to try to "put your best foot forward" and mend the relationship, if that's what you and your husband decide that you want to do.
First off, I'm sorry the situation with your MIL hasn't improved
As far as advice goes, I think JandK speaks wisely. Good luck, and don't let your MIL ruin Christmas for you!
I agree with the comments about things working two ways. I had a conversation with my mom about that, but our situation is "easier" in that it's all by phone or computer since we live so far away.
I also agree with the comments about your H needing to handle things with her. I can't manage keeping both our moms happy, and I've told him multiple times that he needs to keep her updated. If I ever find out that she thinks that I leave her out, DH will be handling that situation, no matter how hard it is for him.
IF we lived near MY family, I would probably invite them over. Either that, or we would have a set day of the week/month for them. Not sure about ILs. I know that MIL would invite us over to her house, though, because that's what she does with SIL.
Thank you ladies for all of your great advice. I really appreciate it bc we don't know where to go from here.
Mil already has a grandson so its not like she new to the grandmom role, and she is great with her grandson. I don't know what to think anymore.Other than Dh is going to have to talk to her again, he tried this about 6 mths ago and it was okay for about a month and a half until she called one Friday evening wanting to visit DD on Saturday am when we had her bday pictures scheduled and flipped that we would't reschedule.
Thank you and happy hump day!!!!