STM - feeling really guilty. LONG...

Ourfamilyof5 · November 2012

I apologize in advance if this post is a jumbled mess of thoughts... I think writing this out may be therapeutic for me, but maybe in doing so, I can get a little encouragement from other MoMs who may have felt this way at some point...

So the thing is, I just feel like I'm not enjoying my babies at all and I feel horribly guilty for even thinking that. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE them immensely - but I just find myself constantly wishing this time away. I want to fast forward 6 months from now because everything seems so very demanding at the moment and I feel like I could fall apart at any second. If I'm not thinking about life 6 months from now, I'm thinking about life 3 weeks ago before they were born...when I knew how to love my DS because he was the only one we had.

I guess the thing is, I think back to when our first DS was born and it was hard, REALLY hard, because he did not sleep to save his life and I was a paranoid FTM with hormones that went ape sh!t crazy so I was crying all the time for the first 2 weeks over everything and nothing at all. I exclusively breastfed him too and that was absolute HELL to begin with because he wouldn't latch and I was in terrible pain and he would scream out in hunger until I hired a LC to come to our house about a month in and then everything turned around. All that to say, even with NO sleep, a starving baby, sore boobs and tears flowing constantly, I found myself just staring at my baby boy with total infatuation...

Fast forward to now and I just don't feel that same infatuation with the twins. I'm not mesmerized by them (again, horrible, HORRIBLE mother here)... I'd rather take a nap than stare at them in my free time. I'm not breast feeding this time around nor did my hormones go crazy (thank goodness) so I've felt pretty normal overall since we've come home. That being said, I'm just in a funk I guess. I honestly don't believe it's PPD. I've read the symptoms and I also don't feel depressed. I feel stretched thin...and confused. Like I don't know how to adjust or something. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to love 3 kids at once....which is playing a huge part in me feeling like a bad mom. I mean, who struggles to love their kids, ya know?

Older DS is just at a super fun age now...he makes us laugh almost daily and he's full of hugs and kisses and "mommy!" when I walk in the room. So if the babies are just laying there, I find that I would rather play with DS than hold one of them because, let's be honest, they don't care or know what's going on...but then I think...shouldn't I be holding them and loving on them the same way I did when DS was a newborn? I'd like to...but I just don't know how to find the time to do that. Then there's the fact that there's 2 of them - when I DO decided to hold a baby, I have a hard time picking one! So sometimes I feel defeated and just leave them both swinging in their swings because they seem content.

We have a nanny and I struggle with that too. She's a BIG help and I definitely need her here because without family nearby, it'd be incredibly difficult for me to juggle 3 kids under 2 by myself. I like her a lot and having her here has allowed me to shower everyday and get things done around the house, but....I also hate having a nanny. I know, I know... it's a huge blessing and I AM grateful, but the truth is, I just don't like having someone else in the house with me all the time (other than DH). She spends most of her hours taking care of DS1 and I find that I get a little jealous because I want to be the one reading him books and tickling him and playing outside with him, but I feel like I can't for more than a few minutes because the babies are constantly needing to be fed, changed, soothed...all the normal newborn stuff. She can certainly take care of the babies and let me take care of DS, but I feel like I'm still learning the babies and how to handle them on my own when DH is at work so it makes more sense for ME to care for the babies while she cares for DS. It's like I want to do it ALL by myself and be completely in control, but I know that's not an option.

Anyway, having been through this before (not with multiples, but you know, the whole newborn phase), I absolutely know that we will get through this. I know that in a few short months, the babies will be awake more, smiling, cooing and doing little things to make us laugh. I know in a year, their little personalities will be coming alive and maybe then I won't feel stretched quite as thin in trying to meet their demands with no return all while taking care of DS1. I know all of that...and yet, I still feel in a funk.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest...

macschic · November 2012

I could have written this word for word a few weeks ago. Things are slowly starting to improve. Each week gets a little better. I too have a nanny and what you describe is exactly how things were for us the first month or so. Now I have more time for DD because the boys are in a little bit of a routine.

Please don't beat yourself up. I know I felt the EXACT same way. I HATED the first 6 weeks! I can tell you that it will get better! Just keep telling yourself that. Hugs:)

angelfire02 · November 2012

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I don't have much advice as a mom, but I did want to tell you that I was a full time nanny for a stay at home mom who had newborn twins and a 19 month old. For us it worked out really well for her to take over primary care of the toddler and leave me with the babies. I enjoyed the time with the babies (they are now 5 and I love them immensely) and she got that special time with her toddler. She wasn't breastfeeding so that was easy to just do bottles, and I got really good at juggling doing everything for twins!

Anyway, just thought you might want to try switching roles with your nanny for a day, or week, or month, or until you feel like you are getting a balance back. Hang in there mama, I don't feel like I came out of the fog until about 4 months....

Jen0204 · November 2012

I'm only a FTM so I can't imagine how hard it must be to juggle the needs of newborns plus an older child, but I felt the same way in the beginning. I was trying to BF, pumping, and was just exhausted. I would have done anything for more then a 2 hour stretch of sleep for the first couple of months. I have a friend (who doesn't have twins) who is all "pregnancy and newborns are WONDERFUL and such a blessing and it's the best thing EVER!" and she gets horrified when she hears me say that the first 5 months sucked. Yes, we enjoyed the little things and the milestones, but in general it just wasn't an enjoyable experience, especially the first 3 months. Don't at all feel like a bad mom because you feel the same way. It doesn't mean that we don't love our babies, it just means that we're not fans of that stage. And like most tough things in life, give it time and it will pass. My girls are crawling all over, are very vocal (not speaking, just make noise a lot), play well with each other and my nephew, and laugh and smile all of the time. I'm excited to come home from work each day to see them and play together. They are just awesome, and I am so excited for when they walk and talk. My outlook on parenting is a complete 180 from what it was 4-5 months ago. If someone asked me at 3 or 4 months if I would pick to have twins if I could have chosen, I likely would have said now. Ask me now and without any hesitation the answer is "Definitely!". It gets SO much better!

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STM - feeling really guilty. LONG...

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