How do I make DH understand...

Jenibug05 · November 2012

So, yesterday I posted about starting clomid. You all gave me great information and advice. Thank you for that. Information my doctor (OBGYN) did not give me.

I tried talking to DH about the risks of not being monitored/u-s while on clomid vs just having a blood test/progesterone check done on CD 21 that shows I o'd or didn't o. I tried several methods to get through to him, one just talking to him about the risks, what could happen, my concerns, etc. Then I also sent him over links I found online, etc. I mentioned getting a RE or another dr that would monitor me or even requesting an appt with OBGYN to discuss more about the risks/etc.

DH is just not going for it (getting a RE or stopping clomid, really doing anything differently than OBGYN recommends). DH has two kids, and his ex wife goes to my OBGYN. Yes, I know that sounds odd. But I've gone to OBGYN for 8 years, even before I knew DH and I didn't want to switch doctors as he's been a good dr for me.

But, since DH thinks so highly of my dr (his ex had 2 miscarriages and the 2 daughters were both high risk pregnancies)... DH think I'm causing anxiety for nothing. Yep, nothing. He doesn't think that "internet research, etc. should outweigh the medical expertise of one of the best OBGYNs in our state." I tried to explain to him that RE specialize in GETTING pregnant, and OBGYN specialize in STAYING pregnant and DELIVERY. He doesn't think dr would risk a malpractice situation like that or put me in any danger.

So, any advice on how I can get through to him that we need to go a different route? I don't exactly feel right making the decision alone, since I think it should be a decision we make together (treatment plans, new doctors, etc).

And please, be kind in your answers. It's hard on me that he doesn't understand my opinion/concerns and isn't willing to budge or even consider changing our plan. DH can be stubborn and have a thick skull.

TTCAL is difficult enough.. and it makes it more difficult when DH is clueless and stubborn. Sad

brihall003 · November 2012

I'm sorry for your loss. In regard to DH, I have a stubborn hubby too. One of two things usually works for me with him: 1 keep bringing it up and discussing it until he starts to understand my concern, or 2 just start doing what I want and once he sees he usually understands. Perhaps you can get DH to agree to just meet with an RE. Maybe once he meets them he'll have more faith in their medical expertise as well? GL sister.

Jenibug05 · November 2012

brihall003:
I'm sorry for your loss. In regard to DH, I have a stubborn hubby too. One of two things usually works for me with him: 1 keep bringing it up and discussing it until he starts to understand my concern, or 2 just start doing what I want and once he sees he usually understands. Perhaps you can get DH to agree to just meet with an RE. Maybe once he meets them he'll have more faith in their medical expertise as well? GL sister.

Thanks. I brought it up several times yesterday. He started to get mad at me and really put me down. It was difficult. Crying He also told me that the clomid must be making me have mood swings to think like this. Excuse me? Ugh. Men.

I'll bring it up to him again tonight. I just wish he would be more open to other opinions. He really isn't a 'know it all' but when he has an opinion on something (or someone-like my dr) you just can't persuade him any differently. But, I'm of course going to keep pushing it or just try to get him to understand. Your #2 idea though I don't think would work for me. If I found a RE on my own without DHs agreement, he would be on fire... or if I stopped the clomid. This cycle, I've already taken 3 days worth of pills and have 2 days left.

buggirl72 · November 2012

Your DH seems to be firmly entrenched in wanting this OBGYN. Just because this OB was wonderful with his ex's high risk pregnancies does not mean that this OB is a fertility expert. It sounds like you like your OB and would want them to continue as your doctor if you were pregnant. Maybe you can approach your DH this way: your OB is your OB but you want to get a second opinion on the clomid. I'm not sure if you can get him to agree to the RE route yet but you also should not continue on a treatment protocol that you are not comfortable with just because he likes that doctor. Ultimately, it is your body that this OB is messing around with. Call some other OBGYNs and see if they do u/s monitoring of patients on clomid. Also see what tests they run before deciding to put someone on clomid. FX and best of luck.

Jenibug05 · November 2012

buggirl72:
Your DH seems to be firmly entrenched in wanting this OBGYN. Just because this OB was wonderful with his ex's high risk pregnancies does not mean that this OB is a fertility expert. It sounds like you like your OB and would want them to continue as your doctor if you were pregnant. Maybe you can approach your DH this way: your OB is your OB but you want to get a second opinion on the clomid. I'm not sure if you can get him to agree to the RE route yet but you also should not continue on a treatment protocol that you are not comfortable with just because he likes that doctor. Ultimately, it is your body that this OB is messing around with. Call some other OBGYNs and see if they do u/s monitoring of patients on clomid. Also see what tests they run before deciding to put someone on clomid. FX and best of luck.

Thanks. That's a good idea-getting a second opinion on if clomid is needed. Exactly-OBGYNs are not fertility experts. I don't know why I can't get that through his head. I would be fine with OB staying our OB when we're pregnant, but it seems like the fertility thing is over OBs head since he 'doesn't do monitoring/u-s.'

Thanks for the GL and response. I just felt so defeated yesterday when trying to get through to DH. Yesterday was a hard day. I felt sad (maybe it's the clomid, maybe it's just all of this stress in general) but I definitely didn't need him being so hard on me with this.

Kristintific · November 2012

honestly, i would talk to your OB and get a referral to an RE and tell your dh "she/he referred me, so its what they felt was right".... or get a new OB and tell your H you don't feel comfortable going to the same OB as ex wife. plain and simple.

there are only so many times you can keep doing what isn't working or what you feel uncomfortable with. you have just as much say in this as he does. and i think if you go to another appt with a new dr. and have new information he will get it.

[Deleted User] · November 2012

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Kristintific · November 2012

stlucia_wife:
Sounds like your DH will not budge. This is a battle you pick to fight. If I was in your shoes I would start looking for a new OB. You need to take care of your body and do what feels right to you.
What your OB is doing is not illegal, but it's not the safest way. Good luck. Please don't stay there because he feels its right cause of what he went through with his ex. She is a different person.
Random question. Has your DH ever gotten his sperm checked?

i was just thinking the same thing. is it possible hes hesitant for her to seen an RE because he's nervous about the andrology thing?

ravenclaw1 · November 2012

I'm going to try to be as nice as I can

I couldn't deal with that, honestly. If my H said these sort of things to me, I'd be beyond pissed, and that would have nothing to do with meds I was taking. He needs to realize that what you're going through needs to be investigated, and that he should be ok with you seeking all opinions. Lots of opinions are helpful. I agree with a lot of the other PP's, and hope you can get him to change his tune.

km_md · November 2012

I see you already got some good advice, and I don't really have any. I just wanted to give ((hugs))! I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this

LAMCH1980 · November 2012

Kristintific:

honestly, i would talk to your OB and get a referral to an RE and tell your dh "she/he referred me, so its what they felt was right"....

I agree with this idea. I'd get a referral and tell him that this is what the OB recommends. Since he thinks so highly of them, then he should be satisfied with that answer. Actually, I wish he'd be satisfied with your own need to get a second opinion in itself. if it smooths things over with him, then I might try this route first, especially if they will do a SA and need his cooperation.

Good luck! Be strong and follow your instinct on this one!

lindsayanne14 · November 2012

While I agree with you that TTC is a "joint venture", the bottom line is, by taking Clomid without proper monitoring, it's YOUR health being put on the line...not your DH's! Maybe explain this to your DH and tell him you won't move forward TTC until he accepts a decision you've made to protect your own health. My DH is very stubborn too, but I've learned over the last 8 mnths there are things that I need to do (like charting, using opk's) that he doesn't really agree with. He thinks we should "let nature take it's course"...but this is my body we are talking about and to me, that means I get the final say!

Jenibug05 · November 2012

stlucia_wife:

Sounds like your DH will not budge. This is a battle you pick to fight. If I was in your shoes I would start looking for a new OB. You need to take care of your body and do what feels right to you.

What your OB is doing is not illegal, but it's not the safest way. Good luck. Please don't stay there because he feels its right cause of what he went through with his ex. She is a different person.

Random question. Has your DH ever gotten his sperm checked?

Thank you. I think I'm going to start looking around for a different OB, do some research, and then present the options to DH.

DH had his sperm checked.... probably 6 or so years ago. It was with a different dr though. My dr delievered his second daughter. The first was delivered in a different state. There weren't any issues then with his sperm. But, it could probably change in six years I would think?

Jenibug05 · November 2012

ravenclaw1:

I'm going to try to be as nice as I can

I couldn't deal with that, honestly. If my H said these sort of things to me, I'd be beyond pissed, and that would have nothing to do with meds I was taking. He needs to realize that what you're going through needs to be investigated, and that he should be ok with you seeking all opinions. Lots of opinions are helpful. I agree with a lot of the other PP's, and hope you can get him to change his tune.

Thank you ravenclaw. You were very nice. Smile I always enjoy your posts.

Yeah... it's hard to deal with sometimes. It's something he is 'trying' to work on (the way he talks to me). I did get beyond pissed off, crying, etc. It was not good. I talked to him again during lunch and he's okay with me calling the doctor and expressing my concerns more about if other tests need to be done before starting clomid, etc. I'm trying to get him to change his tune, definitely. Hopefully it changes.

Jenibug05 · November 2012

km_md:
I see you already got some good advice, and I don't really have any. I just wanted to give ((hugs))! I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this

Thank you. I appreciate the hugs. Hugs back to you. Smile

Jenibug05 · November 2012

LAMCH1980:
Kristintific:

honestly, i would talk to your OB and get a referral to an RE and tell your dh "she/he referred me, so its what they felt was right"....

I agree with this idea. I'd get a referral and tell him that this is what the OB recommends. Since he thinks so highly of them, then he should be satisfied with that answer. Actually, I wish he'd be satisfied with your own need to get a second opinion in itself. if it smooths things over with him, then I might try this route first, especially if they will do a SA and need his cooperation.

Good luck! Be strong and follow your instinct on this one!

Yeah, I'm thinking I'm going to call my OB and discuss tests, referrals, second opinion, or something. I really wish he'd be satisfied with my need to get a second opinion and not just the doctors. Ugh.

Thanks for the GL. I definitely voice my opinion and state if I don't think something is right... so I will keep on pushing this.

I think I may elaborate more to DH about how clomid can only be taken 6 months in a lifetime... meaning if I'm taking it now and there's another problem, I just wasted months on clomid. So if I use up all 6 months on baby 1 (and clomid is needed) then we have to go a different route for baby 2. Perhaps that will get through to him.

Jenibug05 · November 2012

lindsayanne79:
While I agree with you that TTC is a "joint venture", the bottom line is, by taking Clomid without proper monitoring, it's YOUR health being put on the line...not your DH's! Maybe explain this to your DH and tell him you won't move forward TTC until he accepts a decision you've made to protect your own health. My DH is very stubborn too, but I've learned over the last 8 mnths there are things that I need to do (like charting, using opk's) that he doesn't really agree with. He thinks we should "let nature take it's course"...but this is my body we are talking about and to me, that means I get the final say!

Wow. Our husbands are very similar. My DH says that same thing 'let nature take it's course.' Thanks for your response.

LunaBug924 · November 2012

I don't have any advice that pp haven't mentioned, but I am sorry you and DH are having this disconnet. I hope you can find a way to get through to him and move on to the next step. ((hugs)) to you.

RedPhoenix625 · November 2012

lindsayanne79:
While I agree with you that TTC is a "joint venture", the bottom line is, by taking Clomid without proper monitoring, it's YOUR health being put on the line...not your DH's! Maybe explain this to your DH and tell him you won't move forward TTC until he accepts a decision you've made to protect your own health. My DH is very stubborn too, but I've learned over the last 8 mnths there are things that I need to do (like charting, using opk's) that he doesn't really agree with. He thinks we should "let nature take it's course"...but this is my body we are talking about and to me, that means I get the final say!

This is exactly what I was going to say. I commend you for trying to include DH in the decisions, and approach this as a team, but he has ZERO right to guilt you into taking a medication that affects your body and health. And he has zero right to dictate which doctor you allow to look inside your vag and mess with your ute. Unacceptable.

I really think you should try again to reiterate to him what the dangers of this medicine are without proper monitoring. If that doesn't work, maybe the discussion of "wasting" a cycle of treatment (and doctor's visits, which = $$$) since you haven't had proper testing, may help him to come around. (I wouldn't bring up the sperm issue specifically, though that is very valid, as that may make him shut down. For example, if you have thyroid issues, or structural issues that haven't been identified, that clomid may not do sh?t.)

Sorry he's being difficult. I've tried to be as kind as possible in my response, but honestly, there's no way in hell I'd let anybody, even DH, dictate what I do or do not put into my body...especially something as serious as clomid.

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