Late Term and Child Loss

SIL loss question (ticker warning)

I hope this is the right place to ask this question, if not I'm sorry for intruding but I could use some empathetic advice. 

My SIL (MH's brother's wife) lost an unplanned but much wanted pregnancy earlier this year. She was supposedly sick this week and did not come over to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. My MIL just told me that my SIL has been feeling depressed as it gets closer to her due date (late December), and that she didn't want to see me. She's also been avoiding a friend who is expecting. My SIL and I are not super close, just because I don't see her that often and we don't have many common interests, but we do get along fine and I consider her part of my family.

My question is should I reach out to her, or let her take the lead? Also, I don't think she will be able to avoid me for the next 6 months, so any advice on what to say or do when I do finally see her?

Thanks ladies.  

Re: SIL loss question (ticker warning)

  • I'm so sorry for you're SIL's loss.  Definitely let her take the lead.  Due dates are REALLY hard for loss moms.  On my due date all I did was cry all day.  It might be worth sending her a card letting her know that you're thinking of her and her baby.  After our loss I didn't want to see or talk to anyone, especially pregnant women.  11 months later and there are still babies who were born right after our son that I haven't met yet.  This process takes a long time and has MANY ups and downs.  The best thing that you can do is to be understanding of however your SIL reacts to you, DH and your LO.  Best of luck in your pregnancy and T&P for your SIL!
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  • If I were her, I'd rather just pretend you didn't exist... Don't reach out to her, unless its like the PP said by sending her a thinking of you card. 
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  • My advice if you feel strongly about reaching out would be to contact her in a way that doesn't have to be reciprocal - i.e. a card, text, or email.  Not a phone call or showing up at her house where she's on the spot to say something or react.  I appreciated hearing from people that they were thinking of me, with no pressure to respond.  

    I also agree with PP - you actually can avoid people for six months.  It might be what is best for her, and it's something people have to realize is more about her and her loss and not so much about them.  I'm 18 months out from my neonatal loss and eight months into my second pregnancy and still feel like I'm in survival mode some days when it comes to interacting with people, especially people that I've found to be insensitive or difficult to be around (I'm not saying that's you in your situation).  

    I'm sorry for the loss of your niece/nephew and your sister-in-law's child. 

  • I just returned from DH's familys Thanksgiving. One of his sisters is somewhere around 30 weeks pregnant. I completely understand how your SIL may feel, it was beyond difficult for me to be there with her. I love her and wish her all the best but I also do not plan on putting myself through that again.

    I think a letter or email would be great for you to send. It is something I would appreciate receiving. Something that touches on her loss and her baby and not mentioning you pregnancy.

    *** Congrats on you little one!*** 

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  • Ladies, thanks so much for your advice. MH wanted to drop by my BIL/SIL's house before we left town yesterday and I talked him out of it. My BIL and nephew came over to my in-law's house to see us instead. I feel so badly for my SIL, but your input here was helpful. T&Ps to all of you during the holiday season and into the new year. 
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