Do you share your IF struggles w/ all your friends and fam??

oO Angie Oo · November 2012

With today being Thanksgiving we are going to DH's parent's house and I need to pull it together. They know we've been together for 6 years w/ no baby and they know small details of our struggles to have a baby but we do not share much info with them. My bro in law had a baby w/ his gf a few months into their relationship and he was over here a few weeks ago wanting to break it off complaining about how tired he is from working (a desk job, mind you) and then coming home and having to take care of his baby who needs to be fed and held, and bathed and a gf he doesnt find attractive anymore. I wanted to punch him in the face. Sometimes I feel bad for not sharing my IF w/ some of the people who are closest to us- but I think that's my way of not losing it everyday. I'm just wondering how open you ladies are with your families and friends or if I'm the only weirdo?? haha.

Laurakat81 · November 2012

Everyone knows. It's a double edged sword though. On one hand I cannot imagine going through it without their support but on the other it means I have to listen to unsolicited advice, insensitive but well meaning comments, and yes, even some family that want to make our personal struggles into their own personal drama. I only talk to a handful of family about it, in regards o keeping them constantly up to date with treatment or how I'm doing emotionally but I keep a blog that everyone has access to and slowly over the years my entire family, extended too, reads it at least occasionally. So it's no secret here. Truthfully the good outweighs the bad just from having the support.

If you're ready then I think you should tell at least a few family members about it. Just remember you can't go back once it's done though! But most people genuinely want to support you even if they don't know how.

interzone · November 2012

My mom knew about it, but no one else. The only reason I talked to her about it was that I knew she had IFand m/c issues and I wanted her advice. This is probably a pretty unpopular opinion here, but I'm totally baffled as to why some people share non-essential and highly personal details of their medical issues. I really don't want to hear about my uncle's IBS, so I can't imagine me talking about our IVF cycle would make him anything other than totally uncomfortable.

DoublePortion · November 2012

Only a handful of family and friends know and some of them I didn't even tell. Nice. I only wanted to share with those I knew would be supportive. I don't want to have to discuss it with everyone or receive advice from people who have no clue what they're talking about.

MsGMChick · November 2012

I didn't realize MH told his whole family.. so everyone today asked how things "were going" or if we had "good news" yet?

Sigh. I don't mind talking about it... but I didn't know I was going to have to all day.

DoublePortion · November 2012

MsGMChick:
I didn't realize MH told his whole family.. so everyone today asked how things "were going" or if we had "good news" yet?
Sigh. I don't mind talking about it... but I didn't know I was going to have to all day.

Huge ((hugs))! I would be so pissed at my DH!

Laurakat81 · November 2012

interzone:
My mom knew about it, but no one else. The only reason I talked to her about it was that I knew she had IFand m/c issues and I wanted her advice. This is probably a pretty unpopular opinion here, but I'm totally baffled as to why some people share non-essential and highly personal details of their medical issues. I really don't want to hear about my uncle's IBS, so I can't imagine me talking about our IVF cycle would make him anything other than totally uncomfortable.

See I do disagree with this. I DO want to hear about how someone I love is doing even if it's regarding their IBS. Im not talking about going to dinner and discussing how my latest vaginal exam went or if Uncle Bob had diarrhea last night. But i do want and genuinely care about the health and wellbeing of the people I love. I wouldn't want them to suffer through anything alone. We support one another.

interzone · November 2012

Laurakat81:
interzone:
My mom knew about it, but no one else. The only reason I talked to her about it was that I knew she had IFand m/c issues and I wanted her advice. This is probably a pretty unpopular opinion here, but I'm totally baffled as to why some people share non-essential and highly personal details of their medical issues. I really don't want to hear about my uncle's IBS, so I can't imagine me talking about our IVF cycle would make him anything other than totally uncomfortable.
See I do disagree with this. I DO want to hear about how someone I love is doing even if it's regarding their IBS. Im not talking about going to dinner and discussing how my latest vaginal exam went or if Uncle Bob had diarrhea last night. But i do want and genuinely care about the health and wellbeing of the people I love. I wouldn't want them to suffer through anything alone. We support one another.

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but What kind of support do you expect from friends/family when it comes to IF, especially if they've never been through it? I would have been absolutely mortified if someone offered sympathy after an unsuccessful cycle. I guess I dealt with IF kind of like my grandmother dealt with her cancer diagnosis: she didn't tell anyone until her treatments were almost finished because she didn't want anyone to feel sorry for her or bother her about it. I don't think most people know how to deal with friends/family who have IF issues, and judging from these boards generally respond with a mixture of unsolicited and useless advice, nagging about how treatment is going, and pity. The first two are just annoying, but pity is the pits.

Laurakat81 · November 2012

interzone:
Laurakat81:
interzone:
My mom knew about it, but no one else. The only reason I talked to her about it was that I knew she had IFand m/c issues and I wanted her advice. This is probably a pretty unpopular opinion here, but I'm totally baffled as to why some people share non-essential and highly personal details of their medical issues. I really don't want to hear about my uncle's IBS, so I can't imagine me talking about our IVF cycle would make him anything other than totally uncomfortable.
See I do disagree with this. I DO want to hear about how someone I love is doing even if it's regarding their IBS. Im not talking about going to dinner and discussing how my latest vaginal exam went or if Uncle Bob had diarrhea last night. But i do want and genuinely care about the health and wellbeing of the people I love. I wouldn't want them to suffer through anything alone. We support one another.

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but What kind of support do you expect from friends/family when it comes to IF, especially if they've never been through it? I would have been absolutely mortified if someone offered sympathy after an unsuccessful cycle. I guess I dealt with IF kind of like my grandmother dealt with her cancer diagnosis: she didn't tell anyone until her treatments were almost finished because she didn't want anyone to feel sorry for her or bother her about it. I don't think most people know how to deal with friends/family who have IF issues, and judging from these boards generally respond with a mixture of unsolicited and useless advice, nagging about how treatment is going, and pity. The first two are just annoying, but pity is the pits.

Honestly I think that sounds incredibly sad and lonely but to each their own I suppose. But I don't "expect" anything from people, but the people I'm closest too (family in particular) have been incredibly supportive, ranging from a shoulder to cry on, a person to listen while I rant and show my "ugly" side with how upset and angry I am about the cards I've been dealt. The people I'm closest too don't pity me. They genuinely hurt when I hurt. And vice versa. Sure people say the wrong thing but I guess I have a close enough relationship with my friends and family to say, "Really?! That's not helpful." I think bottling it up and assuming everyone is judging you and pitying you is horribly unhealthy and a really sad way to live.

I'm not saying it's necessary to shout it to the whole world but I cannot imagine going through this alone.

jschwind22 · November 2012

DH's parents and a few of my friends have known about our IF for quite awhile. I recently told my mom before we started IUI's and now she knows about IVF. My boss knows since I need time off for appointments and procedures, and she has done 2 IVF's in the past so she's a great support most of the time. I'm finding it easier to tell people now rather than trying to make up excuses or try to hide it. Although it's still hard to hear the well-meaning comment that comes as a slap in the face, I feel like I've gotten stronger when it comes to handling that and its easier to explain why certain things hurt if I can tell them where I am coming from.

zazu13 · November 2012

Everyone in my family knows, but nobody really asks about it. It seems that after the losses nobody knew what to say (including me) and they all know we are saving up to try again so there is nothing really to update in the meantime. It can be awkward.

Maybe Joleisa · November 2012

If you're a weirdo, I probably fit into that category, too. Stick out tongue

For the first 15 months of TTC we didn't tell anyone. My mom got very sick last Christmas and I wanted her to know. That started the ball rolling for letting our families know. I went through 5 IUIs without flinching, but when we started down the IVF road I told a few of my girlfriends if it came up in conversation. DH & I were away on vacation when Hurricane Sandy was heading our way. With $3K+ of Gonal-F pens in the frig and the threat of power outages, I came clean with another friend/MY HERO who drove to our house to collect and protect my meds! (Of course our power didn't even blip.)

I have one friend (who just lapped me with #2) that I've been trying to find a way to tell, but honestly it is just easier to avoid her & her annoying husband. Embarrassed

BrideJackie11 · November 2012

My family and DH's mother all know. Several people at work know including my training director and attending supervisors (I am in residency). I don't want anyone to think that I am slacking off when I call in sick for the ER and ET or have to leave early for an appointment. They are also allowing me to use vacation days instead of some of my 9 sick days. My family has been a huge support. They want to know all about it. They even showed up to my pre-op appointment on Wednesday since DH was working and they were in town for Thanksgiving. My mom has started humira injections for rheumatoid arthritis so we have been comparing injection techniques. I don't think I could keep it from my family.

tptbabe · November 2012

We've shared with some, but not all. The first person I told was my mom, after our loss last year, and to be honest, she has been the least supportive person out of everyone. She constantly questions every single decision we make! I wish I could take back telling her, but I thought I needed her at the time.

Others we've told as the topic comes up. I'm not the type to just randomly share. There are a few people that we've made a concious decision not to tell because they can't keep their trap shut, or they're negative people in general.

interzone · November 2012

Laurakat81:
interzone:
Laurakat81:
interzone:
My mom knew about it, but no one else. The only reason I talked to her about it was that I knew she had IFand m/c issues and I wanted her advice. This is probably a pretty unpopular opinion here, but I'm totally baffled as to why some people share non-essential and highly personal details of their medical issues. I really don't want to hear about my uncle's IBS, so I can't imagine me talking about our IVF cycle would make him anything other than totally uncomfortable.
See I do disagree with this. I DO want to hear about how someone I love is doing even if it's regarding their IBS. Im not talking about going to dinner and discussing how my latest vaginal exam went or if Uncle Bob had diarrhea last night. But i do want and genuinely care about the health and wellbeing of the people I love. I wouldn't want them to suffer through anything alone. We support one another.

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but What kind of support do you expect from friends/family when it comes to IF, especially if they've never been through it? I would have been absolutely mortified if someone offered sympathy after an unsuccessful cycle. I guess I dealt with IF kind of like my grandmother dealt with her cancer diagnosis: she didn't tell anyone until her treatments were almost finished because she didn't want anyone to feel sorry for her or bother her about it. I don't think most people know how to deal with friends/family who have IF issues, and judging from these boards generally respond with a mixture of unsolicited and useless advice, nagging about how treatment is going, and pity. The first two are just annoying, but pity is the pits.
Honestly I think that sounds incredibly sad and lonely but to each their own I suppose. But I don't "expect" anything from people, but the people I'm closest too (family in particular) have been incredibly supportive, ranging from a shoulder to cry on, a person to listen while I rant and show my "ugly" side with how upset and angry I am about the cards I've been dealt. The people I'm closest too don't pity me. They genuinely hurt when I hurt. And vice versa. Sure people say the wrong thing but I guess I have a close enough relationship with my friends and family to say, "Really?! That's not helpful." I think bottling it up and assuming everyone is judging you and pitying you is horribly unhealthy and a really sad way to live.

I'm not saying it's necessary to shout it to the whole world but I cannot imagine going through this alone.

I don't think I bottled anything up, I just didn't let IF define my life. I knew we'd either have a family or cope with being child-free. I feel sorry for the people who post that they can't go to baby showers or rant about Facebook pg announcements. IF sucks, there's no two ways about it, but it seems more unhealthy to me to make it such a major focus in your life that you cant enjoy social gatherings or you need to "vent about the hand you've been dealt". But to each their own I suppose.

LaineyPaney · November 2012

PAIF response here.

Part of our situation came as the aftermath of Hubby having illness and surgeries, which inevitably would affect our fertility. So family knew. The advanced endo that blocked the tubes---well, that was the game changer from IUI to IVF.

All of our family and friends knew. I'm an open book kind of gal, and I was amazed at how many other women out there also struggle. By talking about it, others seemed comfortable talking to me about it, and we were able to support each other. Or---by talking about it, others would say, "Oh, we did IVF for ----insert child's name here---." Then they'd share their stories/journey with me, and I found it comforting....or comforted by the fact that I knew I had another gal in my corner to give me a shot if I got in a pinch!

I didn't worry about others feeling sorry for me. I appreciated their thoughts and prayers. I also didn't mind talking with people about it b/c mentally and emotionally it has been such an all-consuming journey, that it felt good to talk out loud about it.

HannahsHope · November 2012

I am very open with most of my friends and family. I really feel that by sharing our struggles, we gain insight and knowledge that we might not otherwise have. But, I am also not a very private person.

chucktgirl · November 2012

No. NO one knows. No family, no friends. Not even my boss. (I told her I was going through something, not life threatening, and asked for some leeway.) There is no one who could give me appropriate support. The only thing that would come from spilling the beans would be pity and additional heartache. That would make things worse. This is private and will remain so...with the exception of telling my every dirty detail to all of my anonymous sisters here on the Bump! Zip it!

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