What to tell family?

NikikruiseWed40116 · November 2012

Hi everyone!

I am new to the boards..I have recently started posting...longtime lurker...anyways I was wondering how you all told your families? My immediate family has known for a while that we will adopt. I am very open about it and my family is very supportive. However, we have never talked about it with friends or DH family. I am very worried about how we will broach this subject as his mother mentions pregnancy and us having a baby quite often. Any stories/thoughts would be great. Also how soon do we tell everyone? We are looking to officially start ( placed on the list) this upcoming summer/fall.

Edit: That would be fall of 2013 on the list

Thanks!

ycristina84 · November 2012

We just tell them in conversation. I did call my grandparents and Mom and said that we had closed the door on infertility and were starting our adoption journey. When people now (friends mostly) mention us having a pregnancy, I just say "Well, we are persuing adoption, so thankfully I don't have to think about that!" or something to that effect. People tend to be super excited and supportive and have a lot of questions, so for us it's been really positive. Although, people do ask very stupid questions at times!

IRR · November 2012

Lots of people handle it many different ways. I am sure many on here will have lots of thoughts. I would probably tell your MIL next time she brings up having kids. Perhaps Thanksgiving is a perfect time to tell everyone in your family if you are all together. Not sure what your family traditions are for Thanksgiving, but if you all do go around the table and say what you are thankful for perhaps you can use this time for the adoption topic something like "I am thankful that there is a birth mother out there that will help us expand our family". GL and let us know how it goes.

NikikruiseWed40116 · November 2012

Thanks for your stories ladies.

My mother has been very supportive but she has known for a long time we would adopt. I can't imagine MIL taking it well, and especially not telling her during the holiday. Anytime we are all together she talks about the beautiful babies we are going to have. My husband and I are fine in our decision I just am struggling with dealing with her reaction and having her not accept our child.

Allie-Jo · November 2012

We never really had a big conversation about it. When we started fertility treatments, we made no big secret we were going to do anything to be parents. We would invest as much time, energy and money into treatments, and if that didn't work we would truck right along with adoption. Our treatments stopped when I hit my lifetime max of 24k, and right around that time DH and I switched jobs (we hated our jobs but stuck around for awesome insurence) and switched tactics.

We had almost 30k in a 401k and we flip-flopped back and forth on whether to pay off debt (student loans, credit card, car) do 1 or 2 IVF cycles as they would be out of pocket, or adoption. Basically we wanted to be parents really bad and IVF was no guarentee seeing as we have IF and 2 losses. So once we decided we just told our parents what the plan was, but it was a conversation almost like when we tried a new treatment protocol...nothing big but still exciting.

neverblushed · November 2012

Lurker here -- but I have a friend who adopted who dealt with a very similar situation. Here's what she did that worked out well:

Her parents and close girlfriends were in the loop the whole time.

His parents were told once they were on the list waiting to be matched with a baby. This way, it was already a "done deal" and his parents would be less likely to try to "talk them out of it," since that wasn't really an option and would only have caused tension. But this way his parents felt like they were "in on it" at a pretty early time. They had no idea that others had known this was in the works.

Other relatives and co-workers were told when they were matched with a baby and they had a picture to show. It was really cool! They were matched with a baby in June, but they didn't get him until late fall. That picture went everywhere with my friend that summer and fall. For all the friends and family the waiting and getting updates was fun, although it was nerve-wracking for the prospective parents. It was both like and not like she was pregnant.

Congrats on your decision! Hang in there with the whole bureaucratic process, which they found to be a drag even when things were going well. Once they had that baby in their arms, all the hassle of the adoption process just melted away.

Art Teacher · November 2012

My mother has been very supportive but she has known for a long time we would adopt. I can't imagine MIL taking it well, and especially not telling her during the holiday. Anytime we are all together she talks about the beautiful babies we are going to have. My husband and I are fine in our decision I just am struggling with dealing with her reaction and having her not accept our child.

I can relate to what you wrote - my parents were very supportive. They saw firsthand how hard it was for us to deal with IF. My MIL lives out of state and I don't think she really understood how "done" we were and that we were ready to move on. She even offered to pay for further infertility treatments for us. I don't think SHE was ready. I think she needed time to grieve the idea of not having a biological grandchild through us.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years to now...She loves our daughter so much and definitely accepts her as a grandchild.

I say just share your story when you're ready. Answer their questions as much as you are comfortable with - I tend to be very open about it all. I also gave my families books about adoption - Dear Birthmother and one other one...I can't remember the exact title - it's about family and what they should know about adoption. They appreciated the books and read them. I think it helped as we talked about adoption and what an open adoption would look like, too (because we have an open adoption with our daughter's birthmom.)

NikikruiseWed40116 · November 2012

Art Teacher:

My mother has been very supportive but she has known for a long time we would adopt. I can't imagine MIL taking it well, and especially not telling her during the holiday. Anytime we are all together she talks about the beautiful babies we are going to have. My husband and I are fine in our decision I just am struggling with dealing with her reaction and having her not accept our child.

I can relate to what you wrote - my parents were very supportive. They saw firsthand how hard it was for us to deal with IF. My MIL lives out of state and I don't think she really understood how "done" we were and that we were ready to move on. She even offered to pay for further infertility treatments for us. I don't think SHE was ready. I think she needed time to grieve the idea of not having a biological grandchild through us.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years to now...She loves our daughter so much and definitely accepts her as a grandchild.

I say just share your story when you're ready. Answer their questions as much as you are comfortable with - I tend to be very open about it all. I also gave my families books about adoption - Dear Birthmother and one other one...I can't remember the exact title - it's about family and what they should know about adoption. They appreciated the books and read them. I think it helped as we talked about adoption and what an open adoption would look like, too (because we have an open adoption with our daughter's birthmom.)

Thank you! That is really the type of situation I have with my mother and ILs. My mother really has seen our struggle first hand and understands, whereas we are not as close to our ILs. Thank you for your perspective.

Thank you all for your thoughts/posts! I really appreciate them.

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