Late Term and Child Loss

Open Discussion - How are THEY coping?

Last week I posted 'How are you Coping?' on here. The goal was to share with each other the different ways we are coping with the hopes of helping someone else, myself included. I thought I might be able to gain a new perspective or find something new to try.

This post is to find out how your husband, boyfriend, partner, significant other is coping with the loss of your child. I'll go first...

Right now, I'm not sure how my boyfriend is coping. We lost Lillian on 9-28-12 and while I feel all I've done is cry and be sad I feel that my boyfriend has run a gamut of emotions. He is stuck on anger mostly. He has grown up in Christian schools & even attended a Christian College for a time and now he is "pissed at God" (his words). He says he doesn't 'hate' him but I'm pretty sure he's the next step down from that. While we have his son in counseling, we have yet to go ourselves to any type of counseling or support group.

He's trying to channel his grief into something productive. He wants to create a non-profit that would assist families with funeral expenses. He doesn't want families to have to settle for putting their baby in the basic white coffin or just a box because they may not be able to afford a really pretty casket or urn that they may desire for their child. His ultimate dream would have this non-profit give him/us the ability to work for it full time and then expand the offerings. He really doesn't want to limit it.

I started writing this post because I don't feel that we have been communicating well for the past few weeks and I wanted to see if anyone else would share what they went through or are going through in their homes. He has since called me in the middle of writing this and we talked for an hour and we both were cross with one another and we cried. While we were able to get some things out, I still think we are a long way from where I wish we were as a couple going thru something like this. I don't like feeling like I can't talk to the one person who went thru this with me.

Re: Open Discussion - How are THEY coping?

  • My husband's already moved on, I'm pretty sure. He just...he doesn't deal with things like this very well. When his dad died a few years ago, he only cried twice [and neither time was at his funeral]. He spent most of this year deployed [my entire pregnancy, he was gone], and he saw things that he won't talk about. I think he just handles death differently because he's experienced so much of it within the last 4-5 years.

    I know he's still mourning - I can tell that when we talk about Devon, he gets sad. But he's not lingering like I am, and he understands that. He's thrown himself back into his job in order to cope. Sometimes, I get mad at him because he just doesn't seem to be grieving, and it's almost like Devon didn't exist in his mind. He reassures me that he does miss him, and we do talk about him more than I thought we would, but we are both definitely in different stages of our grieving.

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  • It has been up and down. DH was as invested as I was in our pregnancy with Patricia. He has wanted to be a father for such a long time. He believes family is what gives life meaning I think this is a result of many things, including his culture (Danish) and the fact that his father died when he was very young. We were so looking forward to being parents and we were so incredibly happy. 

    Because of how much we both wanted and loved Patricia, we were very much on the same page grieving for the first few months. We cried openly together and with my family and we talked about her often. We went for walks every night when we would talk about Patricia and how we were feeling. We really clung to one another. DH also clung to alcohol. Instead of using alcohol to escape from his feelings, he used it to tap into them. He would drink and cry, listen to music, and think about his daughter. This is also a cultural response, and it didn't really bother me initially.

    *rainbow pregnancy mentioned*

    We started to grow apart when my cycles returned and we were ready to TTC again about 3 months out from our loss. I was trying to be as healthy as I possibly could and he was still using alcohol to grieve. We both agreed that we wanted to conceive again as quickly as possible and thankfully we did, but during this time we were not as solid as just after our loss. I had faith that he would reduce his alcohol use and that it was a result of the grief and not indicative of a larger problem, but we still fought often about the amount he drank. He was never loud or violent or scary in any way, but it just made him not present with me. He was still going to work and functioning in the house, but I felt very lonely.

    Another issue that was difficult for us was that DH had a terrible work environment. Because of how miserable it was making him, we ultimately decided for him to quit working and return to school full time to pursue teaching. I know all the books say not to make any big life decisions in the first few months to a year, but we both felt desperate. The first few weeks of this transition were also the first few weeks of my pregnancy and they were rough for us. DH was struggling with not bringing in an income, and I was trying not to exert too much pressure but really wanted him to be in a better place emotionally where he could support me more and drink less.We had a rough couple of weeks and luckily I was able to spend a few days at my parents to give us some distance.

    Thankfully, as the semester progressed and DH began to get into a routine with his classes and, for the first time, be excited about his future career, things began to get better. He feels loved and supported by me, and I feel loved and supported by him. We are back to sharing our feelings openly about everything related to Patricia and our growing baby girl, and DH is back to only drinking socially on the weekends. 

    Like I said in the beginning, it has been up and down. Right now, I feel like our relationship is more solid than ever, but there have been a few very low moments along the way. For us, communication is key, but there were also times when we needed our own space. Something my dad said that prompted me to stay with my parents for a few days was "when you realize you are in a hole, the first thing you need to do is stop digging." You may not always be able to help each other, but try as hard as you can not to hurt each other intentionally or unintentionally.



      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
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  • It definitely goes in cycles.  One of the greatest pieces of advice I received after Corbin was from a friend of ours who lost their son when he was 6 or 7.  "Be patient with each other."  At first I thought "heck, we don't need this.  We're both sad etc." but as time has gone on, it's very true.  There are days when I'm angry and don't realize it and I'll fly off the handle at DH and DH has done the same.  There are times our fights get really, really ugly (words-wise).  We try to talk more and be more open and honest with each other.  DH threw himself into work big time after everything - but his job allows him to do that.  I was supposed to keep working (from home) until Corbin was mobile and then I was going to quit and just take care of him.  Since none of that happened, I sit at home everyday working a job I hate with no one around to talk to except my dog.  I think the key is to acknowledge that you're sad or angry or whatever.  And if we do argue or get upset with the other person - to acknowledge it as soon as possible and apologize.  It's a difficult road as it is and sometimes having the added issues with DH seems like too much but he's been my rock in more ways than one and I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else.  

    Wishing you peace and love

     

    In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

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  • I wanted to share with the rest of you something I found on Still Standing Magizine's website. I emailed this to Lillian's Dad on Halloween. All I got in response was an email that said Thank You. and I thought he was mad at me because he didn't say anything else about it. However, a couple days later we were talking and I confided that I am afraid to email him or bother him at work. I told him I really wanted to send him the below email but I wasn't sure how it would be received, and I almost didn't send it. He told me that he was really glad I made the decision to because he really needed this right then.

    The Forgotton Father

    You won?t see his tears.

    It?s not that they aren?t there, but for whatever reason in your earnestness to check on her, you forgot about him.

    Nobody whispers about him.

    Their focus and their conversation remains firmly on her. How will she cope? Does she cry at night? How can she exist?

     

    Stoic and determined, he will continue on. He will take phone calls, help with arrangements. People will request that he pass on their best wishes to her. He will thank them for their kindness, their thoughts and their prayers.

     

    He opens the door to deliveries. They bring bouquets of flowers. Teddy bears. They know what they are delivering. He knows what they are delivering. There will be only silence.

     

    The aftermath will be great. He remains bewildered. Falling through the days, just as she does.

     

    He will make appointments for her. He will speak to doctors, social workers, funeral homes. He will make notes about the service. He will juggle his work commitments, carefully, so as to continue to maintain an income that lets them survive this horrific time while ensuring maximum time at home with her. To care for her. To love her. To support her. To be her husband.

     

    But at night, when she sleeps he will cry, and he will question.

     

    Why doesn?t anybody remember that she was his daughter too?

     

    ^ I found myself asking this question all the time during the months leading up to Lillian being born. So much was for me and I felt like not enough was for you. Now, I fear that people still forget about you.

     

    But I want you to know that I NEVER will.

     

    I L//E You with all my heart.

  • I agree that "being patient with each other" is all you can do.  The best advice I was given, and the best thing I did for myself and our marriage, was to sit down and really focus on a grasp the concept that we grieve differently.  I spent alot of time in those early months grieving so hard and misreading MH's reactions.  I thought he wasn't grieving, that Logan didn't mean that much to him.  The truth was that I was expecting him and wanting him to grieve the way I was grieving.  It's all I knew.  When I accepted that we are different, and with that difference comes his way and my way - but neither way is wrong - I found that it was easier to "be patient" with each other.  Instead of focusing so much on when, where, how, why, MH was grieving, I focused on my grief and my grief alone.  What I found was that it came in cycles.  When I was down, DH was "the rock"...that's what he, as a man, feels he's supposed to be.  When I was more "ok" more often, DH began to have "bad" days.  It was exactly 2 months later that he finally had a complete, ugly meltdown which included one too many drinks, and depression meds.  It only happened that one night, and never again since, but I knew then just how deeply he was hurting.  Men need to feel put together.  They do this in various ways, but usually it's be ignoring the pain on the surface and keeping busy.  Two years later we're are both very different people, but I understand my husband so much more.  We just passed Logan's 2nd birthday and angelversary.  There are still days when I wonder how much DH thinks about Logan, because for me, it's every second of every day.  However, on Logan's birthday DH said something that reminded me he's will always be a grieving father too.  When I asked him if we should take Emma (our 5 month old Rainbow baby) to the cemetery he responded "She can stay here with your parents.  She gets our full attention all the time.  Let's go spend some time with our other kid."  Broke my heart but also made me smile.  

      

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  • My husband never wanted to talk about it and seemed to just keep it to himself. We had seperated a few months ago but I've recently learned he's been to a psych ward. I think with my daughters death and whats been going on with us has finally taken a toll on him.
  • imagebutterfly2119:
    My husband never wanted to talk about it and seemed to just keep it to himself. We had seperated a few months ago but I've recently learned he's been to a psych ward. I think with my daughters death and whats been going on with us has finally taken a toll on him.

     ((hugs))



      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
  • I just had miscarriage #2 a little over a week ago. This time around my husband has taken things... differently. He is normally my solid rock, especially when I feel like I am in a hurricane. This time he's become sensitive to the subject. He doesn't want to see, think or hear a baby, he becomes so sad. He has cried with me and looked completely miserable as he chanted "it's not fair". His older brother has a child now. Our due date was only a few days off from theirs and every time my husband thinks about the fact that we should be cradling a baby just like they are I see something die inside. However, he is more determined to try again this time around. After our first miscarriage it took me 6 months to persuade him to try again. Now he wants to try as soon as the doc gives us a thumbs up.

    It's hard seeing my rock crumble, but together we are growing and rebuilding.

    Rachel (23) and Ben (25)
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  • A little bit of hope from a different perspective: four and a half years ago our second son passed away after being with us for 6 months. At first dh and I both cried every day etc etc but then he started to clam up more. It was really hard for me at first b/c I thought he just didn't care anymore, but then I realized that he was crying and dealing with his grief his own way. He spent (spends) more time at the place where we spread Alex's ashes, whereas I still find it very difficult to go there. I had to learn that just because he wasn't as overtly grieving as me, he was still just as upset and messed up about it all.

    These few years on our marriage is stronger than ever before. It has been a total rollercoaster - we decided to adopt after losing Alex and while that has been awesome our adopted son has some unexpected special needs that we weren't prepared for - but one that neither of us can imagine traveling alone. 

    Hang in there ladies, it is possible for your marriage/paternershpi to grow from this. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Alex at some point, or see friends kids who were born the same year as him and all they are doing, however the pain is more of a constant dull ache than a sharp cut. And I know dh thinks of him too since i see him looking at the few pictures of Alex we have around the hose, although he doesn't voice it to me.

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