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Dads & Dads-to-be
People's reactions to husband's reaction... please advise!
Hi, dads. I hope you don't mind me posting in your board, but I need some advice for my DH. People seem to be judging him / giving him unwanted advice JUST because he's not acting 'excited enough' about our pregnancy.
My DH has always been the type of dude to take things in stride. He doesn't really get worked up over much of anything - which is fine, because I get worked up over everything and he centers me. When I told him I was pregnant, he was happy, but he didn't cry or jump up and down or shower me with admiration. I know he's not going to tear up when we hear the heartbeat for the first time, or go through some sort of emotional epiphany at the birth of our child. He loves me, we planned and want this baby, and he loves his child. I know and understand and accept his easygoing attitude, but it's the rest of the world that's the problem.
His friends and coworkers seem to think something's wrong with him when he doesn't act all mushy-gushy over the baby, and so they start to 'comfort' him - "It'll all change when you hold your baby for the first time. You'll have this epiphany and your whole world will shift." Et cetera, et cetera. They just go on and on. And on. It annoys him, because it makes him feel inadequate. It annoys me, because how dare you make my husband feel that way for no reason (even if their intentions are good). We both know that he's not necessarily going to have some sort of magical moment when the baby's born, but that doesn't mean he loves it any less!
What I don't understand is, he's already said multiple times that he's excited about the child and about fatherhood. He's always wanted children, and people who know him are aware of that. So what else are they expecting?
Anyway, yesterday he asked me for advice on how to handle these people, and I couldn't really come up with anything good. I told him he had to either let their comments roll off his shoulders or stop talking with other people about the baby (which isn't desirable, because he is excited about it and does want to talk about it). Or try and act more excited on the outside (which isn't him at all). I think he feels awkward when they start saying stuff like that because he doesn't know how to respond.
Any advice for my laid-back DH?
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Re: People's reactions to husband's reaction... please advise!
Frankly, people have no right to say how he should feel or react. Just because a man doesn't do cartwheels or gush emotions doesn't mean he's not excited or happy as can be.
If they start with the "It'll all change when you hold your baby for the first time. You'll have this epiphany and your whole world will shift." stuff, he can simply reply,
"I'm already thrilled/excited/happy as can be and can't wait for he/she to get here" and just be sure to smile when he says it. If that isn't good enough for them, so be it.
All you can do is just express how he feels as he feels comfortable doing it and let the rest go.
"My DH has always been the type of dude to take things in stride. He doesn't really get worked up over much of anything - which is fine, because I get worked up over everything and he centers me."
My DH is the same way, so your DH is definitely not alone! I don't know what would make it better though. Good Luck!
DH is the same way...when I first told him the news, he kind of squinted, tilted his head to the side and asked me if I was sure. After showing him the lines, he made me take two more, and by our first appointment, I had pee'd on a dozen of those darn sticks. He wasn't really visibly excited, but I soon realized it is because he is quite possibly the most superstitious person to ever exist. I think he didn't want to get his hopes up because he knew the possibility existed that the tests were wrong or that things wouldn't work out that early on. We're now 24 weeks and he's slowly but surely coming around because I think he's realizing this is in fact happening. We've started buying a few things and set up our registry a few days ago. I'm making sure to let him make choices too, and I let him hold the scanning gun because I wanted to make sure he knew his opinion matters too. We're having a girl so I wanted to make sure he didn't get lost in a mix of pink things...in fact, he liked the blue and green stroller so that is the one we chose.
Maybe give him a copy of the ultrasound to keep on his desk at work if he has one? I would guess as you get further along and it becomes more 'real' that he'll gradually get more excited, but at the same time I wouldn't stress about what his friends and co-workers think...everyone is different and it's not really their place to judge.
For some guys it is pretty hard to get super excited or amped up for a baby that they have not had any physical contact with. Pregnancy is funny like that. While the woman is aware of every little thing and change that comes with the baby, because the woman is carrying it, the man is kind of left out of it, only able to share at a very vanilla level. Now I am excitable when it comes to these things, but even I had a hard time staying amped for the entire pregnancy, and only got really excited again once we got into the third trimester and I could actually feel our boy kick and flip around in there.
When he was born, my emotions were off the page with joy and relief that both my wife and my child were healthy and we were all together finally. For me, and I'm sure for a lot of fathers, that moment of birth, where we are called to be a father for the first time by carrying the baby over to the bassinet and helping out with that initial exam, that is a ten minute period of my life that is etched in my brain, and emotions were the driving factor that whole time.
As far as other people telling him how he should or should not be feeling, F 'em....seriously....F 'em!!! The only people who should be talking about anything to do with your family is your family. Seems like everyone is fine there, so F 'em!!! Just wait, people try to butt in even more once the kid is born. I have no problem telling someone to their face that they should mind their own buisness and worry about their own family. I imagine your husband can do the same, as he sounds like a grounded man who actually has a backbone. A lot of men don't these day's, it seems.
The bolded part...YES! and if people still have something to say, they can go F themselves. I have no time for people who get into other peoples business, judging them on things that they have no clue about. Sounds to me like your husband is on top of his game to me!
You two sound a lot like my wife and I. I am very even keel when it comes to emotions. I generally don't run hot or cold. I'm excited to become a dad in May, but I don't wear it on my sleeve. There's nothing wrong with it. Everyone processes this stuff differently.
I have found that other people push their thoughts and feelings a lot harder when a baby is involved. I just don't care what they think. If they feel I'm not excited enough, who cares. I'm still going to be a great dad and that's what matters. Not what some jerk at the office thinks. My advice would just be to let it go in one ear and out the other. He's already said that he's excited and if they aren't going to listen then that's their problem.
PLUS ONE!!!! I have an aunt who thinks I am abusing my child everytime I burb him, and she reminds me every five seconds to watch his head. Ugggggggghhhhh!!!!
So now I just crack jokes about it and everyone laughs. People be dippin"!!!!
This. I find this to be the case when most people give advice/suggestions/"shoulds" about anything.
Can I say that I am the mother-to-be and I don't do the whole jumping up and down and outwardly being excited thing either. I find that people don't get that yeah, I'm really over the moon but I just don't show it outwardly, so I totally get what your husband is going through. We haven't told yet, but I remember having to deal with it with my engagement and wedding (which I was also SUPER excited about, but because I wasn't going around squealing and jumping up and down and telling everyone about every little detail, people seemed to feel I wasn't that into it).
I learned to just smile and nod and let people think whatever they want to think. YOU know and HE knows how excited he is, and that's all that matters.
BFP with #1 (twins!) 11/18/2011 - missed m/c at 8weeks3days; d&c 1/19/2012; myomectomy to remove 18cm+,10cm & 5cm fibroids 4/2012; TTC again 7/2012; BFP #2 (twins) 11/13/2012; missed m/c at 7weeks;
BFP #3: baby girl born 3/5/2014
Balaustine: an anthology about wanting family