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Blended Families
ballmom
member
Step family holiday bitterness
ballmom
member
It never fails that this time of the year I get bummed out. It is because of the drama that comes with the holidays, working schedules, etc. Some of it is a SO issue and he needs to stand firm.
Anyways, how do you all deal with your family getting the short end of the stick? Thanksgiving is especially tough. Even though the CO spells out the holiday, SO and BM made the agreement that they would work with each other so the skids get both families on the holiday. That generally means the skids are never with us for my family's Thanksgiving meal. This year is no exception.
It is technically SO's holiday, but he agreed to let BM have a little time with the skids, especially because the way everything falls she would only have the skids 1 day next week. She sent him a text today asking about it. He talked to me about it, since my family is holding the meal at noon and his at 1, we came up with the arrangement of going to my mom's early to spend time with my siblings and help get things ready then head to his family's meal. BM could have the kids at 3-4pm and keep them overnight and we could get them back on Friday late morning. He sent that to BM and she replies back with "I was hoping to have them at 1pm". SO has a big heart and he lets that get in the way at times. I told him he can plan whatever he wants but I will NOT be listening to him complain that he is not with his kids when he could have been. He does this all the time, gives in and will be the bigger person, but then is sad and complains about not having the skids. Like I said, this part is his issue.
I am not sure what the plans are with the skids as of now. All I know is I will be sticking to the above plan and go to both houses.
~Amy
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Step family holiday bitterness
I hate holidays too. DH works nights, which sucks because he sleeps during the day. he actually has thanksgiving off this year but hasnt for years. his CO with BM is really vague and basically says 'the parties will agree to split them equally'. in the past it has pretty much been that BM does whatever she wants with SD and when she is done we get her, last thanksgiving it was 5pm. My family lives 3 hours away so I get stuck in the position of either going to visit them alone with my kids and leaving DH and SD home, or not seeing my parents and siblings. either way I chose I make someone mad, it sucks.
hopefully by next year our co will be amended with specific dates and times so I can plan around it.
When DH and I agreed before marriage that our families would be treated equally (as much as possible). We see both families at Christmas and most years we see both families at Thanksgiving. However, our COs are set up in a way the school break for Thanksgiving is alternated w/ Christmas. This year is our Thanksgiving. DH's family is doing Thanksgiving on Thurs and my family is doing Thanksgiving on Saturday because several family members (like my mom-who does retail and my cousin- a nurse) work Thanksgiving. So we will see both this year and we did the same last year (just without the older four kids). In prior years, where both were held on Thanksgiving day and my family does theirs out of state (2 hours away) we alternated and back then our holiday schedule was opposite for the kids. Meaning, when we had DD we went to my family's house and the years we had my SKs we went to DH's family because that was the only logical way it could work. On the years we don't have DD or my SKs, they just don't get to come.
At Christmas our kids basically have 2 full days of back to back Christmas. If it's our year for them, we go to both our our parents houses on Christmas and then on the 26th at noon they got to their other bio-parents house (not sure how they work it out with their spouses families). If it's not our Christmas, then we still go to both our parents houses on Christmas and we go back the next day with the big kids. The only difference really is that DH's family also has a big Christmas Eve get together with their extended family that we go to every year. My family generally does cookie making and decorating with all the kids and my nieces and nephews the weekend prior to Christmas. If we don't have the kids at those times, they miss them, but they understand because they are spending time with their other families.
I can't imagine trying to schedule around BM or BD's schedules on holidays. That would be pretty near impossible.
Oh I hear your pain! Sounds too much like my partner's BM. It's your turn and she wants them at 1? In our family all the action on T-day, esp. for the kids, is afternoon/evening. She may as well be asking for the whole holiday.
Last xmas break was our year to have the skids...but BM "had tickets" on Dec 26th and needed 'em to go visit family out of town b/c said family was moving to China and wouldn't be around for who-knows-how-many years. Turned out to be lift tickets to a ski resort 15 minutes from DH's dad's (grandfather to skids) house - where we, ironically, spent most of the week leading up to new year's without the kids. Long story short: we had kids 5 days of vacation on our year, BM got 9...the year before she got xmas plus ~9 days, we got 4-5. This year she insisted we could only have 3 b/c she was "probably" going to China to visit family! (We now know China is off the table, big surprise.)
I hate having to stand by and watch this bs...for exactly the same reasons you said - b/c he'll be complaining to me later about how unfair it is. He really had to learn the hard way. My lovely partner wanted to do right by the kids and be flexible to get along, but it finally bit him in the a** so bad he couldn't ignore it any longer. This year she contested him taking tax credits every other year (and won with IRS) b/c she has had custody 1-3 days more a year! (Umm, that would be the holiday days that DH was being flexible about...)
DH finally grew a pair...he has court in 2 weeks to get CO revised. (And for latest: BM insisted to the judge that they have a schedule thru May and she needed the date postponed until after holidays, the judge took one look at the situation and said "clearly that's why we're here - this must be resolved before holiday.") I can not tell you how much I wanted to hug this guy.
It sounds like your SO is letting the BM manipulate him and then he misses out. He nees to find a balance with her and make a fair arrangement. And you need to quit trying to please everyone.
I am very lucky that my SIL has Thanksgiving every year and both our families get along beautifully and we enjoy each other so much that we all have it together. I LOVE IT.
Not sure what will happen with DD but H indicates he is fine with an equal split and fair agreement where we trade off each year.
I just wish they would stick to the actual guidelines and not "share" Thanksgiving. But he is trying to make everyone happy and not let the kids suffer. We are in the same town, so that is not so much an issue. My issue is she is manipulating him and he doesn't see it that way. She lost her mom this spring to cancer and she is using that to her advantage. I hope that does not sound heartless, I lost my dad a few years ago and lost my late-DH to cancer so I know how hard the holidays are. Last year she wanted them more because it "may be mom's last holiday with us". This year it is "it is harder because it is the first holiday without mom."
And she also just realized based on PT and the holiday that she will only have the kids on Monday. So she is trying to get her normal time in there too. SO has PT on Tues & Wed, Thanksgiving is "his" this year, and then the weekend is his PT. We go thru this with every holiday because she cannot bear to be without the kids.
Your SO needs to tell BM that sorry, but you have plans. She can wait a few hours.
BD and I have the holidays kind of split, but it works to both of our advantages because generally we both get DS when our extended family's celebrate the holiday.
Are you married to my H? j/k
Years ago after all the back and forth. Pick up time being moved up. The kids just getting shuffled around. DH taking the kids to BMs grandmas an hour away so he could have more time with them and all the stress because he wants everyone to be happy. It finally stopped.
Luckily since most of our families are traveling to our town for Thanksgiving they stay for the whole weekend. We stopped trying to arrange anything for Thursday and we get the kids the weekend following Thanksgiving. My MIL has dinner again (leftover) on Friday and my mom does dinner on Saturday agian with my family. I know we luck out that family is here the whole weekend but it did make it a lot less stressful for the kids. GL!
I am happy to report that SO stuck to his guns and did not give in.
He received a text from her yesterday evening that she spoke with the skids and they wanted to go with her to her cousin's house and be with her dad. She would pick them up at 10 and we could have them back that evening.
SO went off! He said no, it was his holiday according to the guidelines and he was trying to be nice and work with her. He will be enjoying Thanksgiving with his family, including the skids, and she could pick up the skids at 3 and have them overnight. He could not help that all of the families chose the same time to have their meals, but she does not have the right to tell him what was going to happen and she should NOT have involved the skids.So either she takes them at 3 or nothing. She came back with "fine, you can tell the kids they do not get to see my dad." He replied with no, you can since you involved them in the first place.
He spoke with SD later on about it and she was fine. She told SO what happened: BM sent the kids a TEXT asking if they wanted to go with her and see papaw or stay with dad. A TEXT when they were all in the same house at the same time! She could not even bother to talk to them. And she did the guilt trip with them as well. I know she is having a hard time dealing with the holidays and missing her mom, but please do not guilt the kids and make them feel bad.
I think your SO's heart is in the right place. I'm sure the kids are excited about all the hoopla and celebrating more than once.
If you're feeling left out, I would plan your own family meal together. I know you don't want them to miss your extended family's meal, but you can start your own tradition.
My DH's family is out of state, and we usually travel there for big holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. My parents live a mile from us and see the kids often, so I don't mind giving the ILs the major holidays. We do our own celebrations at home, too. For example, this week we are having Thanksgiving on Wednesday with my parents. We made some turkey decorations, my mom and I are splitting up making the menu, and we'll all get together and have a good time.
We actually won't be celebrating Thanksgiving on Thursday at all, since DH's extended family's dinner is Saturday afternoon. The date isn't as important as the time together.
Our Christmas is like this, also. We spend Christmas eve, morning, and sometimes until New Year's at my ILs. Whatever day we arrive home is our Christmas morning, no matter what time of day it is. Before we duck out the door to head out of town to the ILs, either DH or I stuffs the stockings and puts the gifts from Santa under the tree. Then when the ILs holiday is over and we step in the door at home, I make cocoa and put out cookies and the boys open gifts. It's a nice way to make sure that our own little family doesn't get lost in the mix of all the extended family time we spend at the holiday.
Hope you can find some fun ways to make the holiday time feel like more your own. It helps to have some events that you plan as their mom to make memories with just them that aren't under the direction of someone else.