Thanksgiving with in-laws

twinkl5379 · November 2012

I told H that I really don't want to go to his family's Thanksgiving. It's because last year was awful. His nephews called me by BM's name (since they were born he's been with me, not her; but they still keep a relationship with her after DH and BM have been split for 6 yrs and he's been w/me almost the same amount of time).

And I was also humiliated b/c SS hugged the aunt and father-n-law's girlfriend good night, but did not hug me. It was humiliating.

My H and I were both in tears, and I really didn't want to face them all the next morning. (It's distant so we all spend the night in the same house).

Anyway, there have been other things that have led me to believe they don't like me (or at least didn't in the past). They are nice to me now and have always been to my face, but I can't help but to feel guarded around them. (Note: this doesn't apply to father-n-law; I do believe he sincerely likes me).

I have gone to Thanksgiving every year with them despite not wanting to, but given that last year was the worst yet, I'm torn about going. DH said he'd cancel but he was upset about it (not at me but in general).

Do I suck it up, put on a smile (like I always do) and go? Or do I say I'm not going b/c even if they like me now, I don't appreciate the things that have happened in the past (which I've listed here before but not all in this post)?

J&A2008 · November 2012

Yes, you suck it up and go. You are an adult, and this is the family you married into. Not every family event, whether inlaws or family, is peaches and cream.

FIL has called me by BM's name. SIL has asked me to vacuum her living room and then seemed annoyed that I didn't do a good enough job. I have gone to IL events with SSs while DH was working and had no one to talk to. At a wedding this past summer, my uncle asked me if I was pregnant again (wtf?). We did a family vacation with my parents this summer and by the end of it, I wasn't speaking to my mother.

Sh!t happens in families. All families. Yours may be a particularly bad breed of awful, but you still have to deal with it.

Kaeldrasmommy · November 2012

I think I would base that one on how badly your DH wants to be at his family's dinner. I don't think you owe it to them to go though, I wouldn't be in any hurry to go to another family dinner if I left the last one in tears. Besides, if you've been every year no one can complain.

Hopeforthebest · November 2012

Personally I'd encourage DH to go and I would stay home. Maybe I'm just in a mood today though so take that advice with a grain of salt.

I had a co worker tell me one day last week that he has reached a point in his life where he is just tired of fighting to be in people's lives that couldn't care less. So he stopped jumping through hoops for them and he has peace now.

Holly_1007 · November 2012

Hopeforthebest:
Personally I'd encourage DH to go and I would stay home. Maybe I'm just in a mood today though so take that advice with a grain of salt.

I had a co worker tell me one day last week that he has reached a point in his life where he is just tired of fighting to be in people's lives that couldn't care less. So he stopped jumping through hoops for them and he has peace now.

this is what I would do

karatechrissy · November 2012

why not have your own thanksgiving? Is your family too far away to go to them one yr? Id do either of those. You dont deserve to feel like a punching bag for his family (but I do think you are being a tad over sensitive about the BM name and no hug).

Nineoceans · November 2012

My new philosophy is that life is too short to be surrounded by people you don't like. You and Dh could spend the time together with the stepkids or spend it with your fam and friends and let Dh go his separate way.

Cheerilee · November 2012

I'm in camp don'tgo. If they're going to be disrespectful then the don't deserve your company. If they have never been made aware of their actions then have your husband tell them that they need to cool it. If they don't cool it, you guys won't be attending family events until they grow up.

I would never put my H in a situation with my family when I know he'll be mistreated. People treat you how you allow them to.

jnjmommy0609 · November 2012

Hopeforthebest:
Personally I'd encourage DH to go and I would stay home. Maybe I'm just in a mood today though so take that advice with a grain of salt.

I had a co worker tell me one day last week that he has reached a point in his life where he is just tired of fighting to be in people's lives that couldn't care less. So he stopped jumping through hoops for them and he has peace now.

But is this really jumping through hoops for people you don't like? Because your not going for them...your going for the spouse.

In my opinion this is between you and your husband. How does HE feel about you not going?

twinkl5379 · November 2012

wendilea:

Have you addressed any of these issues? When the nieces/nephews called you by the wrong name, did you correct them, or did you just go pout? Their mom addressed it, and told them my name. Of course, I didn't go pout. When SS didn't hug you good night, did you initiate a hug yourself? (hey kiddo, don't forget me) I did not initiate it b/c it was a very awkward moment and we don't have a relationship where we hug.

Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult. If you admit they like you now, NOT going isn't going to make that continue. Remember that all relationships take effort on both parts. You have a tendency to think everything should just fall into place, be sunshine and roses, and you don't have to work on it. You're wrong.

Go - offer to help cook/clean/whatever. Engage the kids in a game. Don't sit in the corner and pout like a hurt 4 yo. You will get out of the trip what you put into it. I have gone many times and had them at my home many times. I do cook, clean, buy them gifts, deliver food while the men are working, everything I can do to be nice. I've always been a good sport around his family.

fellesferie · November 2012

I'd go. But I'm nonconfrontational to a fault, and I would also worry about eroding the improved relationship you have with them.

I also agree w/ PP that I think you're being a little oversensitive about the stuff you mentioned. But I think I recall you've posted about other things that have happened, so I can see how it would be overall a bad experience for you.

Ginlyn0 · November 2012

I'm sorry but I'm in the camp of sucking it up and being there for your spouse who would like to see his family. All the things that were listed are not a good enough an excuse in my book to NOT go with your spouse to see their family if they want to see their family. The issue with the kids calling you by the wrong name was addressed and they are kids, cut them a break.

And the issue with your SS not hugging you but hugging other people has absolutely NOTHING to do with your DH's other family and more to do with your lack of a relationship with your SS. And yes, you (the adult) should have asked for a hug from your SS and if you can't then you have no right to whine about it later.

I see a common denominator here and that is you not knowing how to react and deal with children that aren't your neices...

twinkl5379 · November 2012

Felles - I'm also very nonconfrontational (aside from with my H), so I've not even encouraged him to address this. I realize they won't see my point.

Most of the things aren't "directly" mean and are certainly open for interpretation, so I don't want my H to fight with his brother over this sort of thing. I realize it all depends on which side of the fence you're on.

I've also told my H I don't care if he goes without me. He doesn't want to do that. Most likely I'll just end up going since that's what always happens. I just keep my guard up, but they don't realize that.

Eyre2 · November 2012

Ive never posted on this board but I admit, I lurk. This post touched a nerve though and I couldnt not respond. My relationship with my in-laws has ALWAYS been standoffish. And not by my choice. But because my SIL dislikes me and makes it openly known. His mother will not become close with me after she saw what SIL did with my DHs Ex-wife. I have known these people for about 15 years. The past 5 of which I have become an actual member of the family. I have never been openly welcomed. My son has though! DH and I were married almost 3 years ago and we have yet to recieve an anniversary card. I am due in March with our daughter. My second child and his first. His family will not be at my shower. Their choice. BUT...I do everything possible to attend every family function. For the sake of my husband and my (our) son. I am friendly. I help cook. I help clean. I buy gifts. I love the nieces and nephews openly. And at the end of the event I leave knowing that I did what was right. For my husband. And for our family. Who cares if they dont like you? Your husband obviously does! :-)

J&A2008 · November 2012

Eyre2:
BUT...I do everything possible to attend every family function. For the sake of my husband and my (our) son. I am friendly. I help cook. I help clean. I buy gifts. I love the nieces and nephews openly. And at the end of the event I leave knowing that I did what was right. For my husband. And for our family. Who cares if they dont like you? Your husband obviously does! :-)

Well put.

Wahoo · November 2012

I wouldn't make the choice to not attend 2 days before thanksgiving.

Next year, however, I would tell your H you want to alternate years. I'm also wondering why you don't see your family - - do you do Christmas with your family? Do you have a holiday just with DH and SS?

Maybe you could spend Thanksgiving with DH's family when he has SS, but skip the years when BM has him and either see your family or do something on your own with DH.

Ilumine · November 2012

twinkl5379:
wendilea:

Have you addressed any of these issues? When the nieces/nephews called you by the wrong name, did you correct them, or did you just go pout? Their mom addressed it, and told them my name. Of course, I didn't go pout. When SS didn't hug you good night, did you initiate a hug yourself? (hey kiddo, don't forget me) I did not initiate it b/c it was a very awkward moment and we don't have a relationship where we hug.

Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult. If you admit they like you now, NOT going isn't going to make that continue. Remember that all relationships take effort on both parts. You have a tendency to think everything should just fall into place, be sunshine and roses, and you don't have to work on it. You're wrong.

Go - offer to help cook/clean/whatever. Engage the kids in a game. Don't sit in the corner and pout like a hurt 4 yo. You will get out of the trip what you put into it. I have gone many times and had them at my home many times. I do cook, clean, buy them gifts, deliver food while the men are working, everything I can do to be nice. I've always been a good sport around his family.

so you admit that you don't have that kind of relationship....but as your usual modus oparendi, you get hurt, but don't do anything IN THE MOMENT to fix it.

and the ONLY examples if them not liking you revolves around how the children interact or dont interact with you...again the same story...and yet YOU don't make the damn changes necessary.

Kid calls you the wrong name, don't wait for their mother to intercede OR even if she does, make a game out calling each other the wrng names. The next time they see you they won't forget, especially if YOU (the adult) remember the fake name you previously used and call them that in jest.

kid doesn't hug you, instead of getting all embarrasses and hurt, be the *** grownup and walk over and give the kid a *** hug first. He KNOWS you don't like him so he is only following the president you set. Hell your Husband should have interceded on your behalf, but he is as ineffectual at this as you are.

I don't know how many times you have come to us with a similar story about your StepKids or husbands family/kids and we have told you time and time again. KIDS learn/adapt/follow the lead of the adults in the room. If you are getting hugs, it's becuase YOU are not giving hugs.

Ilumine · November 2012

twinkl5379:
wendilea:

Have you addressed any of these issues? When the nieces/nephews called you by the wrong name, did you correct them, or did you just go pout? Their mom addressed it, and told them my name. Of course, I didn't go pout. When SS didn't hug you good night, did you initiate a hug yourself? (hey kiddo, don't forget me) I did not initiate it b/c it was a very awkward moment and we don't have a relationship where we hug.

Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult. If you admit they like you now, NOT going isn't going to make that continue. Remember that all relationships take effort on both parts. You have a tendency to think everything should just fall into place, be sunshine and roses, and you don't have to work on it. You're wrong.

Go - offer to help cook/clean/whatever. Engage the kids in a game. Don't sit in the corner and pout like a hurt 4 yo. You will get out of the trip what you put into it. I have gone many times and had them at my home many times. I do cook, clean, buy them gifts, deliver food while the men are working, everything I can do to be nice. I've always been a good sport around his family.

so you admit that you don't have that kind of relationship....but as your usual modus oparendi, you get hurt, but don't do anything IN THE MOMENT to fix it.

and the ONLY examples if them not liking you revolves around how the children interact or dont interact with you...again the same story...and yet YOU don't make the damn changes necessary.

Kid calls you the wrong name, don't wait for their mother to intercede OR even if she does, make a game out calling each other the wrng names. The next time they see you they won't forget, especially if YOU (the adult) remember the fake name you previously used and call them that in jest.

kid doesn't hug you, instead of getting all embarrasses and hurt, be the *** grownup and walk over and give the kid a *** hug first. He KNOWS you don't like him so he is only following the president you set. Hell your Husband should have interceded on your behalf, but he is as ineffectual at this as you are.

I don't know how many times you have come to us with a similar story about your StepKids or husbands family/kids and we have told you time and time again. KIDS learn/adapt/follow the lead of the adults in the room. If you are getting hugs, it's becuase YOU are not giving hugs.

twinkl5379 · November 2012

Wahoo:

I wouldn't make the choice to not attend 2 days before thanksgiving. Yeah, I agree that it would be odd to cancel that early in advance.

Next year, however, I would tell your H you want to alternate years. I'm also wondering why you don't see your family - - do you do Christmas with your family? Do you have a holiday just with DH and SS? Yes, I see my family at Christmas. I live long distance from them.

Maybe you could spend Thanksgiving with DH's family when he has SS, but skip the years when BM has him and either see your family or do something on your own with DH. Thanks!

twinkl5379 · November 2012

Ilumine:
twinkl5379:
wendilea:

Have you addressed any of these issues? When the nieces/nephews called you by the wrong name, did you correct them, or did you just go pout? Their mom addressed it, and told them my name. Of course, I didn't go pout. When SS didn't hug you good night, did you initiate a hug yourself? (hey kiddo, don't forget me) I did not initiate it b/c it was a very awkward moment and we don't have a relationship where we hug.

Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult. If you admit they like you now, NOT going isn't going to make that continue. Remember that all relationships take effort on both parts. You have a tendency to think everything should just fall into place, be sunshine and roses, and you don't have to work on it. You're wrong.

Go - offer to help cook/clean/whatever. Engage the kids in a game. Don't sit in the corner and pout like a hurt 4 yo. You will get out of the trip what you put into it. I have gone many times and had them at my home many times. I do cook, clean, buy them gifts, deliver food while the men are working, everything I can do to be nice. I've always been a good sport around his family.

so you admit that you don't have that kind of relationship....but as your usual modus oparendi, you get hurt, but don't do anything IN THE MOMENT to fix it. First of all, I'd appreciate if you'd stop talking to me like an idiot. Things don't always work out perfectly as you expect them to in your black and white world. Life is gray a lot of the time.

and the ONLY examples if them not liking you revolves around how the children interact or dont interact with you...again the same story...and yet YOU don't make the damn changes necessary. REALLY? I don't make the necessary changes? Based on what? I would say I make some BIG changes, like taking a job in the city where the Skids live so my H and I can be closer to them. We moved to a different state to live where they do. Whose decision do you think that was? MINE. I'm the one that got the new job that allowed for the move. We live less than 5 mins. from the kids where before we were 4.5 HOURS from them. Again, this was my call. Granted, I also hated my job and wanted to be in a bigger city, BUT if I didn't like them or didn't want to make it work, do you think I would've moved to the same freaking city as them?

Kid calls you the wrong name, don't wait for their mother to intercede OR even if she does, make a game out calling each other the wrng names. The next time they see you they won't forget, especially if YOU (the adult) remember the fake name you previously used and call them that in jest. You are so freaking abrasive that you probably are the type that disciplines other people's kids, but I'm NOT. Their mother silently (basically) corrected them. Why did I need to as well?

kid doesn't hug you, instead of getting all embarrasses and hurt, be the *** grownup and walk over and give the kid a *** hug first Again, I don't hug other people's kids without their parents initiating it.. He KNOWS you don't like him so he is only following the president you set. Why don't you ask him if he thinks I don't like him? I think he'd say that I do - especially after last wknd he asked me to play the Wii with him AND I DID. Then after that he and I went jogging around the neighborhood together, racing, etc. Does this tell him I don't like him? REALLY??? Hell your Husband should have interceded on your behalf, but he is as ineffectual at this as you are. I wish you knew what the hell you were talking about when you speak about my H and I. You have no f'n clue. And by the way, your blended family situation sounds lovely.

I don't know how many times you have come to us with a similar story about your StepKids or husbands family/kids and we have told you time and time again. KIDS learn/adapt/follow the lead of the adults in the room. If you are getting hugs, it's becuase YOU are not giving hugs.

twinkl5379 · November 2012

wendilea:

Have you addressed any of these issues? When the nieces/nephews called you by the wrong name, did you correct them, or did you just go pout? When SS didn't hug you good night, did you initiate a hug yourself? (hey kiddo, don't forget me)

Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult. If you admit they like you now, NOT going isn't going to make that continue. Remember that all relationships take effort on both parts. You have a tendency to think everything should just fall into place, be sunshine and roses, and you don't have to work on it. You're wrong.

Go - offer to help cook/clean/whatever. Engage the kids in a game. Don't sit in the corner and pout like a hurt 4 yo. You will get out of the trip what you put into it.

I was engaged with the kids and the adults...I always do. I completely let my guard down and felt like everything was going well. I was actually playing a memory game with the kids. So I got especially hurt when these things happened b/c I'd try to fit in and feel like part of the family. I was not pouting by any means.

But this is why I've learned that I'm not really a part of this family, so I have to keep my guard up. There have been a number of these indicents (like sister-n-law posting negative things about me on Facebook), but yet I've always went and made the best of it.

FutureMrsWittig · November 2012

I'd go. I have a very contentious relationship with my in-laws for a number of reasons. But I will go spend time with them tomorrow, so my kids can see their grandparents and they can see me getting along.

But I would be totally prepared to leave and go home or find a hotel room if I felt disrespected. I always have an "escape plan" where my in-laws are concerned. I've never used it, but it makes me feel better.

Try to go into it with a good attitude if you do go. Maybe have a glass of wine before you go. If you are relaxed and open hopefully they will pick up on it and respond with a little more warmth. And when in Rome, try to do what they do. If they're a huggy bunch, give hugs. If they play board games, join in. Then offer to host the next holiday so the ball is in your court.

marie2424 · November 2012

I think you should go. I think thats part of a marriage. We do things we dont always want to. I'm sure it will mean a lot to your husband.

Ilumine · November 2012

twinkl5379:
Ilumine:
twinkl5379:
wendilea:

Have you addressed any of these issues? When the nieces/nephews called you by the wrong name, did you correct them, or did you just go pout? Their mom addressed it, and told them my name. Of course, I didn't go pout. When SS didn't hug you good night, did you initiate a hug yourself? (hey kiddo, don't forget me) I did not initiate it b/c it was a very awkward moment and we don't have a relationship where we hug.

Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult. If you admit they like you now, NOT going isn't going to make that continue. Remember that all relationships take effort on both parts. You have a tendency to think everything should just fall into place, be sunshine and roses, and you don't have to work on it. You're wrong.

Go - offer to help cook/clean/whatever. Engage the kids in a game. Don't sit in the corner and pout like a hurt 4 yo. You will get out of the trip what you put into it. I have gone many times and had them at my home many times. I do cook, clean, buy them gifts, deliver food while the men are working, everything I can do to be nice. I've always been a good sport around his family.

so you admit that you don't have that kind of relationship....but as your usual modus oparendi, you get hurt, but don't do anything IN THE MOMENT to fix it. First of all, I'd appreciate if you'd stop talking to me like an idiot. Things don't always work out perfectly as you expect them to in your black and white world. Life is gray a lot of the time.

and the ONLY examples if them not liking you revolves around how the children interact or dont interact with you...again the same story...and yet YOU don't make the damn changes necessary. REALLY? I don't make the necessary changes? Based on what? I would say I make some BIG changes, like taking a job in the city where the Skids live so my H and I can be closer to them. We moved to a different state to live where they do. Whose decision do you think that was? MINE. I'm the one that got the new job that allowed for the move. We live less than 5 mins. from the kids where before we were 4.5 HOURS from them. Again, this was my call. Granted, I also hated my job and wanted to be in a bigger city, BUT if I didn't like them or didn't want to make it work, do you think I would've moved to the same freaking city as them?

Kid calls you the wrong name, don't wait for their mother to intercede OR even if she does, make a game out calling each other the wrng names. The next time they see you they won't forget, especially if YOU (the adult) remember the fake name you previously used and call them that in jest. You are so freaking abrasive that you probably are the type that disciplines other people's kids, but I'm NOT. Their mother silently (basically) corrected them. Why did I need to as well?

kid doesn't hug you, instead of getting all embarrasses and hurt, be the *** grownup and walk over and give the kid a *** hug first Again, I don't hug other people's kids without their parents initiating it.. He KNOWS you don't like him so he is only following the president you set. Why don't you ask him if he thinks I don't like him? I think he'd say that I do - especially after last wknd he asked me to play the Wii with him AND I DID. Then after that he and I went jogging around the neighborhood together, racing, etc. Does this tell him I don't like him? REALLY??? Hell your Husband should have interceded on your behalf, but he is as ineffectual at this as you are. I wish you knew what the hell you were talking about when you speak about my H and I. You have no f'n clue. And by the way, your blended family situation sounds lovely.

I don't know how many times you have come to us with a similar story about your StepKids or husbands family/kids and we have told you time and time again. KIDS learn/adapt/follow the lead of the adults in the room. If you are getting hugs, it's becuase YOU are not giving hugs.

first of all, moving closer to the kids doesn't make the relationship BETTER, it just gives you more access to a crappy relationship. Weren't you the one who refused to go swimming with her StepKids when you had them near a pool?

you really are that clueless. Making a game out if the name mistake isn't punishingly them, it's making a game out it. Having fun with them. Turning the tense moment into something ... I don't know ... FUN! The fact that you took my suggestion of "making a game" into "punishment" pretty much shows how you perceive children.

And the same thing can be said about the fact that you see these kids as "other people's kids" not your nieces and nephews. I mean Did you wait for your brother and sister initiate the hugs? So why are you so hesitant here? Maybe your INLAWS can read YOUR reticence and aren't "initiating" the hugs becuase you couldn't be bothered to put yourself out there first.

As for your husband? He gets his panties in a twist, but what does he do? Had HE encouraged a hug? Had HE talked to his brothers, sisters and BIL/SIL to see what the issues are? Why doesn't he pull you into a hug with the kids when you are excluded?

You seem to talk a good game about how he FEELS. But you never mention what his responses IN THEMOMENT are. If there were any, even after the fact, one would think you would have mentioned it, you know to bolster your claims of being so unloved and unappreciated.

and as for my *** blended family? Your right, it sucks. But at least I can say that I have put MYSELF out there and have tried every different possible course of action. To include J&A's "giving more hugs and love" (even though I thought it was a crock) ecuase I did not want to leave any stone unturned to make it right.

Given how many times you come here with the same concerns/story, can you say the same?

twinkl5379 · November 2012

Of course ?moving? doesn?t make the relationship better, but having the ability to see them more frequently and therefore DEVELOP a relationship does make it better. And that is what has happened and was my intent. If I did not want that to happen and didn?t want my H to have a better relationship with them, I simply wouldn?t have moved here.

I know it?s beyond your comprehension to imagine that ?ve tried in my situation, but the fact is I have. And I still am, and it?s improving.

If only when I was called the name of BM I would?ve thought ?huh, what a fun game,? maybe I would?ve reacted the way you suggest. But in the moment, a game was the last thing from my mind. I was in shock.

My inlaws cannot see a hesitance on my end b/c as I said many times in this post, I engage withm them. And, yes, my H has talked to his bro about this in general, not every single incident, b/c it?s not worth it. We?ve just agreed to do less with them than we did in the beginning. It?s not worth pointing fingers with people that have different values than we do.

For example, they did not visit us in our new house for 2 years until literally the wknd after we were married. Reason is that they don?t think people should live together before marriage. However, as my H pointed out, it was ok for them to have sex before marriage.

I think you?re being overdramatic when you say ?how unloved and unappreciated? I am. Guess what? I don?t expect to feel loved and appreciated by his family. b/c they?re not my family, and they don?t owe me that. The truth is whether I?m there or not doesn?t really make a difference to them at all. And that?s okay. I have a family that I?ve known all my life, and that?s where it matters.

But for the time being I?ll go FOR MY H ? not to feel loved and appreciated from his side of the family but b/c he wants me to go. One caveat though ? I am certain that his dad does like me, and even told me this summer that he appreciates how much I do for their family. What do you think of that, Illume, since I?m so worthless in your mind?

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