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Blended Families
I wish I had known
I wish I had known being a step-parent was like walking into a firing squad every day. Things like "you're not really part of our family","at mommies house we...", "I think daddy and mommy should get married again so mommy can have the new baby", "I make sure everyone knows you're not my mom" hurt...bad. I know I am not their mother and I never will be. But when you put your entire heart into raising two children and just have it thrown back in your face everyday it makes me want to give up. She broke them. Really bad, like on the edge of serial killer tendencies (hurting animals, hurting people, urinating/defecating in corners and closets). I fixed them and they will never understand it. Perhaps the pregnancy hormones magnify everything but this last weekend was just so hard.
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Re: I wish I had known
where is your husband when these things are being said to you? THe kids dont have to LOVE you but they need to RESPECT you. My DH would never stand for his son to treat me like that.
also, what was your relationship like with them before you married their father? IT couldnt have been butterflys and rainbows and then WHAM...it changed.
I think you just didnt want to see it.
If BM is pulling this, your H needs to step in and set her straight. If he has full custody he needs to tell her that this sh*t needs to stop or he will end her visitations and make sure the courts are told of what she is doing. In fact, if he hears about her being in danger of havingt her elecricity being turned off, that will not be a healthy envorinment for the children and their visits will end.
"Having mom in your life" is not a positive for children when she spends her parenting time manipulating them.
This. This is not about you being hurt but the kids being hurt. If their mother is hurting them if he has full legal custody then stop visits until she gets her sh*t together.
Wow. Isn't this the truth. Step parenting has got to be one of THE thankless jobs there is. If I knew what I knew now, I would have turned and ran when I met H.
Turned.
And RAN.
Too late now. And now I have DD. So I guess in a twisted way, it was worth it.
Back to your issue. The kids need to understand in a polite, considerate way for their situation is that mom doesn't have a car because can't afford one and when she can, she will. It is up to mommy. Not us.
Then change the subject. There is no need to dwell on such things when you will get no where.
This. Parental alienation is a big deal to some judges. Don't just stop visits if they are court ordered, however.
Yea. You can't stop visitation if it's court ordered. That will be the fastest way for YOU to lose custody. Parental alienation is HARD to prove, especially when it's the mother doing it. We've been fighting that battle for a while now. Court systems are biased towards mothers and they require hard, concrete, no room for interpretation proof that she is alienating him and that it's causing him harm. It's a hard battle to fight.
Good advice all the way around.
DH's ex pulled this kind of crap with the kids all the time. I focused on the fact that her choices have consequences. It's a hard concept to grasp for some adults, let alone young children. This is probably just one manipulative situation of many that you will encounter, so the more you can do to take an emotional step back from the drama that the mother is stirring up, the better.
That is a sucky situation all around, especially for those kids. As a SM, whose SD isn't talking to her or her father, I can understand.
From my own experience, you need to nip the disrespect thing in the bud - especially the 'you're not part of our family.' I know it's not their fault, BM sounds just delightful but what led to SD not talking to me was her majorly disrespecting me, FI half standing up for me and then fully standing up for me later (confusing the hell out of SD, who is a teenager so it's a bit different than young kids) and here we are. NOT saying that's going to happen, I know it's totally different when the kids are young and live with you, but it never leads to anything good. Maybe just have H say 'SM is part of our family and so is BM (to reassure the kids) and its very hurtful when you say that. We both love you guys so much but please try not to say that anymore.'
i definitely think YH needs to talk to BM, it's not just hurtful for you to hear the kids say these things, it's not good for them to hear them from her anyway. And if she really is that bad off financially, she should qualify for heating programs, etc. And the electricity thing is a lie because they can't turn it off when you have kids. A judge wold not look favorably on her saying those things to them. Good luck to everyone!
Hind sight is 20/20.
Your H does need to set BM straight and take her back to court if necessary.
I think you can both recognize the kids concerns about their mom's well-being without feeding the fire so to speak. When they say negative things your H should correct them and remind them to be respectful. When they hurt your feelings, try to remember it is because their own feelings are still raw and they're probably confused. Try to respond with love. "You're right, I'm not your mom, I'm just someone who loves you very much. Please treat me that way." And when they worry about her "so Mommy won't be cold when her electricity gets turned off...", I'd reply with a "Unfortunately we can't buy Mommy a car, but maybe we can make her a pretty blanket for Christmas." You can get cheap fleece at Walmart and make a no-sew blanket with them. Obviously not every worry they have will have a simple solution, but this would show them that you understand their concern, and you're concerned too and want to help.