- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
danac2010
member
Advice needed
danac2010
member
SD7 has suddenly become "scared" of things. She doesn't know what she is scared of but she is just scared. A few weeks ago she refused to take a bath because she was scared. She couldn't tell me what she was scared of but was freaking out and screaming. She has never done this before. Last week she refused to go to bathroom with the door shut and wouldn't play in her room alone. Last night about 30 minutes after she was asleep she comes in our room screaming that she is scared. Again, when you ask her what she is scared of she says "I don't know". We probe for answers and she can't tell us anything.
DH went and laid down with her for a few minutes last night and she said he mom has been sleeping with her lately. They just moved into a house and mom just got married but this is the 3rd marriage for mom and the 3rd move in 3 years so I don't know if that has something to do with it. DH is going to ask BM if she does this at her house too but even if she did she won't admit it to DH but will usually tell me for some reason. I just don't know what could have happened that makes her "scared" suddenly to be alone. She has always been a "loner" since her siblings from BM are way older and we just had the baby 9 months ago so she is use to playing by herself. She has been bathing herself for over a year so it's just strange. And this actually started right before BM moved to the new house so I don't think it's the house. Any advice, thoughts, etc??
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice needed
That sounds awful.
If it were me, I'd try to talk to BM and see what's going on in her home and ask whether she's seeing any of the same behaviors.
I hate to recommend therapy right off the bat, but the sudden change is kind of alarming IMO. Since she seems unable to articulate her fears to you and YH, I think it might be important for her to have someone to talk with.
Honestly, if DS (he's also 7) came home from XH's house behaving like this, it would terrify me.
I'm not saying this is the same thing, but this is familiar to my SS behaviors at times.
My SS is now 9, but for the last 2 years he has been gradually becoming more and more fearful of things he used to enjoy and he also seems to avoid situations that he used to like.
At first - 2 years ago - DH and I noticed problems right away. His BM had just broken up with her BF of 2 years and SS lost the BF and 2 kids. Well, out of nowhere SS was afraid to go into the boys locker room at the Y - and afraid to be on a different floor of the house than I was on. He was afraid of rides at Sesame Place he'd been on dozens of times - just weird things. And he could never explain what was wrong! It actually was very frustrating!
We had to fight BM tooth and nail, but we eventually got him into counseling. Things seemed to get slightly better - but he was still afraid to go to basement playroom, or be upstairs if I was on main floor - and he was always afraid of new things (new camp, new baseball team). Then I had DD2 this Spring and the problems re-surfaced - only worse!
In a nutshell, the problem is anxiety! Severe Separation anxiety! Having DD2 pushed SS into having to be a little more independent (being the oldest of 3 now) so the anxieties (that had never gone away - he just got really good at avoiding and hiding) came to the forefront with a vengeance.
SS is still with counselor - but now that we all know what has been going on - we are much more open about communicating! And the only thing that can help SS is cognitive behavioral therapy! It will be a long rode- but we are up for the challenge!
Basically - everyday SS worries -about everything. He constantly thinks one of his parents (all 3 of us) are going to just abandon him. He thinks one of us, his sisters or himself is always going to get hurt. He thinks he's going to get lost! And these thoughts aren't fleeting. If we are going to a Phillies game - he'll spend hours, sometimes even days thinking about everything that can go wrong until he gets to a point of crying and to wanting to go! We've had tickets for 4 years! He is afraid of nearly everything!
And it is not because his parents are divorced and are very unfriendly. My SS had a perfect storm of circumstances for his anxiety. Both his parents have anxiety (diagnosed). BM has GAD and DH has OCD. He has always been timid. His BM is a helicopter parent and DH is a critical parent. All of these are factors seen in children with anxiety.
My best advice is to seek help from a professional. If your SD is just starting to deal with anxiety - you can help her now instead of waiting. It is so sad to see what my SS goes through everyday - and it is also difficult on parents, siblings and friends!
This may not be your SD's issue - but it so eerily familiar to how my SS acted that I wouldn't be surprised!
And SS's issues came on that strong! Literally - one week we are at Y for swim lessons - no issue - next week - crying hysterically in lobby! One week SS and DH went snowboarding - had a blast - the next week SS is curled up in a ball on the top of the mountain bawling that he is afraid to ski (after 3 years of skiing). You can PM me if you have any questions!
Thanks ladies. I have been trying for a while to get SD into counseling. She has ADHD and see's a psychiatrist for that and so BM and DH both think that is enough. I think she needs more. She is very behind developmentally and I think talking to someone would help everyone. I might see if we can just start with her talking to the school counselor since SD already knows her and has been to her office when we were trying to get the ADHD diagnosed.
I hate to jump to conclusions but I always wonder if something is going on with the new SD. He has 5 kids (not sure of ages just know there are 5) and SD has no idea they even exist. She has never met them, seen them, talked to or about them, etc. I'm wondering if it's something he did or their choice not to see him. I know I'm jumping to conclusions but just something that came to mind.
I could have written your post word-for-word a few months ago. SD1 has always had separation anxiety, BM broke up with her boyfriend and started allowing the girls to sleep with her at night. At that point, SD1 would go to bed and start panicking within an hour. She would seldom go to bed before 10pm because she'd be awake crying and coming to get us and tell us she was scared.
We brought up our concerns with her therapist, but the therapist couldn't really get SD1 to talk about her issues at all, especially when she was went to the therapist on BM's time.
One big thing that helped was to push back her bedtime by 30 minutes. She got an extra 30 minutes with us (SD2's bedtime stayed the same). She went to bed a little more tired, so she couldn't lie in bed and start the panic cycle, and the extra time with us helped. We also purged her room of her Harry Potter and Monster High stuff. We told her that if that stuff was scaring her, that it was too mature for her and that she could have it back after she had X number of nights/weeks without a bad night. This really helped her start to articulate what was actually scaring her (before she had blamed it on everything else).
Good luck! I hope you find the right combination of things to soothe SD's anxiety.
My SS became more frightened two years ago also. However he had been watching CSI with his aunt (BM sister). There was one episode where a kid went missing and they found bones or something, it really shook him. He now sleeps with the lights on in the hall and he leaves his door open and we leave ours open.
I do think kids come of age where their imagination 'deepens' or becomes more active and if you mix that with something/anything frightening it can shake them.
HOWEVER that is what I would hope if going on for you.
BUT seeing as there are other changes, i.e. a new step father, new house, new circumstances, I would look there first.
Call a therapist and get some advice. I know people say get her into counselling BUT as a child who was forced into counselling I am not a fan of pushing kids towards it. It was, for me, one of the most damaging things that ever happened to me. BUT they may give you advice on how to get to the bottom of what?s happening for her or signs to watch out for.