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2nd Trimester
ladies i need some honest advice
I'm 21 years old and got pregnant unexpectedly. My father and I have only been together for 4 months
Before I was with him I had a boyfriend for 3 years
My current boyfriend the babies father has hardly talked about the pregnancy with me. We still don't have our own place money saved. He drinks 5 nights out of the week and spends a huge amount of money on cigarettes and marijuana.
I have been preparing the best I can for this pregnanacy since I found out. I have tons of clothes for the baby handed down to me from my family.
Now I also caught my boyfriend texting numerous girls while I'm pregnant. He goes out to the bars a lot too. This was not the Guy I thought I was with. Now I do not trust him and I don't think he's ready to be a father what so ever.
My ex boyfriend recently emailed me and said he got two jobs when he found out I was pregnant and has his own place and bought a brand new car. He said if I ever want to just be in a safe position to have the baby come to him. This was out of his own will and heart because he believes my boyfriend is a scumbag and will let me down. I still do love my ex and don't want to go with him for the wrong reasons. But should I bring this baby into a stressful environment with a father who drinks so much and doesn't even talk about his baby that's on the way? I'm almost 5 months now. I could use some support and advice before I break down...please help.
Before I was with him I had a boyfriend for 3 years
My current boyfriend the babies father has hardly talked about the pregnancy with me. We still don't have our own place money saved. He drinks 5 nights out of the week and spends a huge amount of money on cigarettes and marijuana.
I have been preparing the best I can for this pregnanacy since I found out. I have tons of clothes for the baby handed down to me from my family.
Now I also caught my boyfriend texting numerous girls while I'm pregnant. He goes out to the bars a lot too. This was not the Guy I thought I was with. Now I do not trust him and I don't think he's ready to be a father what so ever.
My ex boyfriend recently emailed me and said he got two jobs when he found out I was pregnant and has his own place and bought a brand new car. He said if I ever want to just be in a safe position to have the baby come to him. This was out of his own will and heart because he believes my boyfriend is a scumbag and will let me down. I still do love my ex and don't want to go with him for the wrong reasons. But should I bring this baby into a stressful environment with a father who drinks so much and doesn't even talk about his baby that's on the way? I'm almost 5 months now. I could use some support and advice before I break down...please help.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: ladies i need some honest advice
who the heck wants to be a father at 21 years old?
anyways... is this MUD???
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. It's very stressful!
I wouldn't just jump back into the relationship with the ex. Like you said, you don't want it to be for the wrong reasons. Where are you living now? Is it safe? Can you go back to family if you aren't there already? Do you think you can make it on your own? It sounds clear to me that your current boyfriend is in no way ready to be a parent and I wouldn't expect anything from him.
Good luck, and maybe try some crisis pregnancy counseling and see what kinds of programs you can get into to help you out, especially if you think you are going to be without the father's help or support.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
What you decide to do with your ex is up to you. A lot of it depends on why you ended your relationship to begin with.
Without a doubt though I would leave the guy you're with. He doesn't sound like a good guy. I would leave now before the baby gets here to focus o you first.
If I were you I would move back home, but I have no idea if that is a real option for you. Do you have family you could live with even temporarily? I would talk to your current bf and really make him sit down and be honest with you. He can still step up to the plate and be a great father. My brother got a new gf pregnant when he was 23, he partied and smoked pot at the time, but once he became a father he completely stepped up to the plate and he is the sole parent of a wonderful, intelligent teenager, the mom ended up leaving and moving across the country. Anyways, it can happen, but your bf will need to want it to happen.
As for your ex, we have no idea why that ended or how you feel about that situation. I wouldn't move in with him just because you want to leave your current situation, unless your current situation is not safe. If however, you think you love him and want to be with him and make it work than I would at least start thinking about that happening again and talking to him about the responsibilities of it.
You definitely need to get out of the situation that you're in. You don't want your baby around a cheating, binge-drinking, drug-buying skeeze. End of story. Not a good environment.
What I don't understand, however is why you have to run to your ex in order to leave your current boyfriend ? You got yourself into this situation, you need to stand on your own two feet. If you're interested in getting back together with your ex, there's nothing wrong with that... but I would take it slow and try to keep the baby out of it. Don't go rushing into something expecting him to be a surrogate father. A baby is no reason to start a relationship.
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
I would get away from that environment asap. Have you tried a womans home, or maybe a homeless shelter? If you have a job, whether it be part time or full time, you might be eligible for housing partially paid by the government. Your probably also eligible for WIC, and a lot of churches give baby items away for free; they might even direct you to some womans homes in the area.
he's had 5 months to change, and its hard for people to change. I think that's just who he is, and he's not going to bend for anyone. I would sit down, and talk to him about your concerns, if he doesn't listen or doesn't care, leave. Maybe you could stay at your ex's for a little bit until you find somewhere more permanent; but don't rush into a relationship with him.
Honest Advice? Ever hear of birth control? I know - harsh - too late - whatever... sorry - first thing that popped into my head.
Other than that - don't make a relationship decision based only on your future child - yes it has a lto to do with it but your ex is probably your ex for a reason - don't run back to your ex for a safe haven if that isn't what you really want to do...
Think of the old saying that a mother becomes a mother when she gets pregnant but a Dad doesn't become a Dad until he holds his baby... he might turn around after the baby is born - if that isn't the case then I'd be outta there quick.
Seriously - it's easy to make rash hormonal decisions... make sure you think them through on all ends...
That's because it's (badly done) MUD.
OP, you can do better. Maybe combine the smoking / drinking problem with a circumcision issue and, ding-ding-ding, you'd have a winner.
Honestly? How are you going to support this child? Get away from the skeezeball. I would move back in with family, not your ex. And maybe you should think about giving the child up for adoption. Are you really ready to be a single parent? I had a neighbor who got pregnant at 18 by some jerk, kept the baby, and is still a complete mess at nearly 40. She never got to live her life and do what she wanted because she was always trying to deal with her baby.
Harsh, but you asked. Adoption might be a good option.
Over-40 parents...what we lack in vigor, we make up for with cunning.
Condescending much? I'm pretty sure she asked for help not your snarkiness.
Anyway, baby comes first everytime no matter the situation. Just lay it all out on the table for baby daddy and if he really doesn't want to participate then thats on him. With the ex, thats kind of tricky. Is he offering his support to romance you or because he actually wants to help with baby?
Since you do not trust him, you should definitely look into other options once you have a good sit down conversation. I have a relative who was in a similar situation and she stayed with baby daddy simply because he was the baby daddy. Ultimately he ended up being a good father to his child and still is, but was a lousy spouse with never ending deceit and lies to cover up his affairs. She ended up leaving him when the child was 4 years old and it has been a difficult transition for the kid.
Trust is a big issue when raising a child and you need to be with someone (whether family or a supportive network) that you can depend on to do be there for you and the baby.
From your description of the situation I would move to be with family once the school semester is out.
I both agree and disagree. I would have never gotten pregnant with my boyfriend at age 21. Period! The human male mind is not fully developed until at least age 25.
However, back in the olden days it was accepted to have a kid at age 18. But really either the mother or the father had to sacrafice schooling or working to raise the child.
Best of luck with a tricky situation! Things will get better.
My hubby is 19, and is very excited about being a father. And I had a friend that became a father at 19, and had another baby at 21. He was excited as well. So age doesn't have much to do with it.
Anyway, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. As far as your own place, my hubby and I are living with my parents at the moment. We didn't have much choice since he lost his job and could only find a part time position until he finishes his degree. So don't worry about that. Now with your bf doing drugs, I would worry about that. My cousin had to deal with that and her pregnancy was horrible because of all the stress. You need to think about the well-being of your child. It's not easy, but it will make a difference.
Most of the ladies, and I agree with this one the most!
I am 21 and going to have my second child, I had my first at 19. My first was unexpected but embraced. The father was 31 at the time we had our first.And I can relate to some of what is going on with you.
When we first got together, he drank everyday. We went to the bar everyweekend.He didn't have a job. We got pregnant the first time, and didn't find out for a little over a month. By the time we found out, he had already slowed drinking down to only the weekends when we went out. At his own choice, not mine. When we found out we were expecting he went off and got a job. He wanted to support this child. As time went on, drinking became less and less, we still went out to the bar, just to dance. I lived with my mother at the time, and she was all for him moving in with us if he wanted to. I waited a while before I gave him the option. By that time, he had lost a job, but had found another within the week, because HE wanted to be able to help support us. Drinking still lessend to where it was once or so a month.
My Ex tried to bash him as much as possible. Saying I could take the baby and come be with him, that he would help support the baby and all. My mind was not there. I had seen my boyfriend change on his own, to a man that people told me he would never become. He would help out at home, and help pay bills. The Ex continued to bug me, saying he wanted to be the father of the child. I left the Ex for a reason,and a very good one. I still love him in some way, but not enough that I would ever be back there.
I have been with my boyfriend-now H for over 3 years, Our first is 2 and a half, we have our own place, we planned the child we are expecting now. H works hard at his job, he has made some mistakes, and he is trying to fix those. He has been Alcohol free completley for over a year, and again, that was his choice.
What you need to look at is that if the boyfriend isn't going to change himself for himself, if he dosne't want to change, than he isn't going to. Jumping into a relationship with an Ex is not the solution either. There is always the risk that eventually he will not like the fact that he is caring for a child that is not his. WHat you really need to do is find family or friends to live with. If your boyfriend is texting other women, and spending money on things he wants, with no real care, he is not ready. You don't need to be in a relationship to have and raise a child. Take some time first if you need to.
Ditto this. Good luck!
My kids father is 21 and excited to be a father again. He was 20 when he had his first which is DD. Now my DS "sperm donor" is 25 and he was 23 at the time DS was born and does not care to be a father. So it all depends on who the person is.
No OP I say leave. If you can't get anything into him now you won't be able to. I tried with my DS father. He will step up when he wants to on his own. Go to family and see if you can stay there. Figure out what programs and what help you can get. I was 18 with my first and still at home and no job. I got a job and that was still not enough I got help through W.I.C where they gave me formula, baby food, and such. I also got insurance through the state because my parents didn't have their own. Now I'm doing a lot better and doing things on my own.
As for the ex boyfriend I say let that run it's course don't move in with him because you need to make sure this is what he really wants. When your child is born how do you know he won't resent it and you for leaving him for the father of your baby? If you want to continue a relationship with him do it. If eventually you feel he's ready to be a step father to your child than go for it. Right now though you need to think about your baby and yourself first. So please try to get it together soon you also don't need to be stressing about anything right now. Good luck