Needing advice

caseylynw · November 2012

This is my first child. My husband shows almost no interest in anything having to do with the baby as long as we're both healthy so I don't find this to much of a problem. But recently we babysat our friends son, he's little under a year old, for the night. I never would have agreed but it was the mothers birthday and my husband swore he'd help me, the baby doesn't like to go to sleep and it's hard for me to hold him to long because he starts to hurt my stomach. Well I got no help at all when I asked for it. Instead DH decides to start playing with him waking him up all over again. I was livid.

And now that everything is getting harder for me, bending, lifting, even getting up of the floor or the bed I need his help and I'm not getting any. And I feel ignored and helpless. Last night I cried because I couldn't get up and he took twenty minutes to come help me. All he does is sit and play video games. I just don't know how to get him to notice I need help. I'm tired of having to ask for it and still not getting it.

Sorry if this was long and ranty I'm just at my wits end and don't know what to do

sbevmc09 · November 2012

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? Not just asking for help when you need it, but have you sat down with him and talked about how you're feeling ignored and helpless and what you expect of him? Because if you haven't, maybe he really doesn't know there's anything wrong. Obviously we wish our SO's just did what we wanted of them and I don't think your expectations are unreasonable, but maybe he's just oblivious to the fact that he's hurting your feelings and causing you to worry. I would talk to him about and it specifically and explain what you want from him going forward.

DMG122183 · November 2012

Maybe he would benefit from having some friends that are dads too. I know my H has gotten a lot of good advice from his more experienced friends.

I think more than anything though you guys need to sit down and talk about what you are both expecting after the baby comes. Let him know exactly what you expect to struggle with and how he needs to support you.

cutie9621 · November 2012

I can't tell you how many of my friends tell me this and the main complaint is always the game system. You are going to have to set some limits on the gaming. Or get rid of the gaming system all together.

JJsMum · November 2012

sbevmc09:
Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? Not just asking for help when you need it, but have you sat down with him and talked about how you're feeling ignored and helpless and what you expect of him? Because if you haven't, maybe he really doesn't know there's anything wrong. Obviously we wish our SO's just did what we wanted of them and I don't think your expectations are unreasonable, but maybe he's just oblivious to the fact that he's hurting your feelings and causing you to worry. I would talk to him about and it specifically and explain what you want from him going forward.

This would be my suggestion too. Wait until you are calm and sit down and talk to him. I know that with DS my DH just didn't understand what I was going through, physically and mentally. I've always been a strong independent person, so he was just used to me being self-sufficient and not needing him to be as engaged as I needed him to be while I was pregnant and with a NB. I do have to say, that watching DH with our son, he was way more engaged than he ever was with our friends kids. I think a lot changes when they see the LO come into the world and the knowledge that this is his kid.

ECBeaches · November 2012

It sounds like you are having trouble communicating. Try plan a time in a non-confrontational way to address each others (his and your) expectations about your new life with baby. The more you can sort all that out now before you are sleep deprived with a newborn, the better off your marriage will be. Also, if you are facing a serious communication barrier, I would look into a marriage counselor to help with your (his and your) communication skills/style. Again, the more you can work on this prior to baby, the better off all three of you will be.

Good luck! And, FWIW, if I could smash assassin creed - whatever number it is- I totally would

artroyer · November 2012

I'm feeling the same way. My dh just seems to be getting lazier and lazier. Try talking to him like pps suggested, but I have to admit I've tried, using a lot of different approaches and it hasn't really changed anything. I can get him to help me do a couple things, but it always comes with snotty comments and a hissy fit. I've sort of just resorted to putting up with his tantrums bc I need the help and me saying anything back just makes it worse. I'm hoping that once he sees his daughter he'll realize how special this is and be more willing to help. I honestly don't think they understand what we're going through... and how could they really? GL... if I figure out the magic trick I'll share!

Reyka9 · November 2012

JJsMum:
sbevmc09:
Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? Not just asking for help when you need it, but have you sat down with him and talked about how you're feeling ignored and helpless and what you expect of him? Because if you haven't, maybe he really doesn't know there's anything wrong. Obviously we wish our SO's just did what we wanted of them and I don't think your expectations are unreasonable, but maybe he's just oblivious to the fact that he's hurting your feelings and causing you to worry. I would talk to him about and it specifically and explain what you want from him going forward.
This would be my suggestion too. Wait until you are calm and sit down and talk to him. I know that with DS my DH just didn't understand what I was going through, physically and mentally. I've always been a strong independent person, so he was just used to me being self-sufficient and not needing him to be as engaged as I needed him to be while I was pregnant and with a NB. I do have to say, that watching DH with our son, he was way more engaged than he ever was with our friends kids. I think a lot changes when they see the LO come into the world and the knowledge that this is his kid.

This. DH was disconnected to DS while I was pregnant with him, but the second DS was born he snapped into Super Dad mode. He's really great with DS and he's a huge help to me as well.

I never had the gaming problem though, thankfully... I can imagine how frustrating that must be. As PP's said, calmly sitting down with YH and discussing your feelings is the best route to take. But please don't see YH's interaction with other kids as some sort of predictor of how he will be with his own. It's really apples and oranges.

LilyyPanda · November 2012

ECBeaches:
Good luck! And, FWIW, if I could smash assassin creed - whatever number it is- I totally would

THIS! Lol Only, change it to Black Ops 2.. and it's the same for me. I wish I could smash it right now and make him get off it. Good lord... You'd think they'd get tired of the game eventually right?!?!

caseylynw · November 2012

my dh has been playing forza non-stop. i keep trying to get him to stop so i can talk to him about our issues but he doesn't care or stop. and its a car game. he's just driving in frickin circles. whats the point?

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