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August 2012 Moms
Problems with MIL; A Little Long
Firstly, my DH and his mother have a very strained relationship. She was abusive to him as a child, and he was always second or third priority from his siblings because he was different from them (lacked the same interests as his family, nothing weird). The thing is now she's acting like none of it ever happened. She's hugging him all the time, constantly asks us over and we only ever see the good side of her. Honestly, I like it to an extent because I'd like them to get along so DS can have as many people love him as possible. MIL seems crazy about DS. However, the last time we were over we stayed an extended time because SisIL had to borrow DH's car. She took a little longer than planned and we ended up staying for dinner. Bits of MIL's old personality showed through and she was a bit mean to DH. It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't know how she can get. She's an out and out man hater as well and besides what DH might feel, I'm worried that MIL with lovelovelove DS, then suddenly not be there for him when he's older. I honestly believe she wants to be a good mother and grandma, but can she really change? She also has this pitiful dialogue (no other words for it) whenever we leave about not waiting so long to come back next time. It's obviously meant to make us feel guilty, DH especially, but there's still an atmosphere about her that leaves DH feeling antsy. He doesn't believe she's really changed, but might actually just be looking for ways to get her "errand boy" back. That's what he believes he is to her most of the time. ...I hope that never happens between my son and I.
Secondly, notice I didn't say she wants to be a good MIL. Before DH and I started living together, MIL and I had a great relationship (It even gave DH a nice repreive from her usual habits, though I wasn't always able to keep it at bay). Now, however, it's silly to even call it reading between the lines to find signs that she is starting to despise me. She's constantly trying to separate DH and I when we're at her house, and apparently she talks about me in not-so-flattering ways. It seems she's trying to dig and find that DH and I are fighting, or estranged in some way even though DH and I get along better with each other than anyone that's ever been in our lives. It was even that way when we weren't together in high school (known DH, and MIL for that matter, all my life). Apparently he's gotten mad at her about it, and they had their first fight since we moved in together because of it. DH and I can deal with this, as we've decided to stay together whenever at her house, but it still feels a little ridiculous.
Finally, MIL seems absolutely fine with DS. He's fine with her when we're there. However, when we leave him alone with her, whenever we come back we always hear that something went wrong, whether it be fussing, or running out of formula or diapers. I'm not sure what to do about fussing as DS is just fine at home, or out with us, but the diapers and formula are an entirely different matter. We didn't start having DS over to grandmas till he had a somewhat regular feeding schedul, and when he did go over I made one extra bottle each time. She got a bit pissy when she ran out the first time we took him over; I chalked it up to a growth spurt and apologized, and decided to pack the powder formula with the stuff so if prepared wasn't enough she could make another. The next time he supposedly drank two more bottles than I thought he would. By that time he never did that at home, so I'm thinking MIL responds to each cry with food, or something else I'll mention later. Besides that, MIL also seems to go through quite a few diapers. DS has always pooped and peed pretty regularly, except missing one day a little after 2-month shots. We never go through more than 8 to 12 diapers a day, the extra being the times he happens to poop right after a change, when we change him an extra time before going out, or when we have to change him a little before bathtime, but not soon enough to reuse the diaper for bedtime (if it's wet at all I throw it out). Anyway, we've never left DS with grandma for more than 4 hours, and she always exhausts the diapers I give her. I understand wanting to keep the baby clean, but I seriously think she's changing him after each pee, and he's only pooped for her once. Once she changed him 5 times in 2 hours, and, at least as far as I'VE seen, that is not necessary. Considering her means when her kids were babies, I can't see that she changed them this often, or she would have been wasting so much money.
Now bare with me; I know I've already offered other reasons for her actions, but honestly I'm getting a sneaking suspiscion that she might not even be as attentive as these little incidences make it seem. I'm starting to think that she's actually throwing stuff out to make it look like I don't know our DS. This sounds SO paranoid to me, but DS just doesn't need as much as she's doing. When we're over there with her he acts just like he does at home, and, at least as far as diapers and formula goes, I don't see how there could be so much of a difference. Am I looking into it too much? If it is her aim, the only thing she's doing is making both DH and I upset.
Anyone have any suggestions for how to deal with these issues? Better yet, and MILs who might be able to put up a defense for her? I honestly don't want to stop seeing her or anything like that, but if it comes down to keeping the peace for my DS and DH, then they come first.
Um...anyone have an abused SO, if you're willing to say? DH seems so happy and strong with me and with the rest of the world, but with his mother... it's like he reverts to something timid and unsure. There's a fake happiness he puts on with her, and besides how sad that makes me, I think his mother picks up on it and thinks it's being caused by me rather than her. It's so...awkward. And sad. Feel free to PM if it's too private.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Problems with MIL; A Little Long
Before you even mentioned her possibly throwing stuff out, I thought about it. If she's known to be that manipulative then maybe she is doing it. The whole thing seems weird to me. Did you ask her why she goes through so many diapers?
I got a rather dull "why do you think" look out of her. DH was in the bathroom at the time, and I didn't bring it up, though without mentioning anything he asked me why she went through so many diapers. He was little worried, but waited to ask me because we both wanted to leave after the first time leaving DS with her.
Maybe I have trust issues, but I would not trust MIL with DS, regardless if she loves him. A history of abuse must be monitored closely. DH has a lot of anger from a negligent, alcoholic father who walked out on him when he was 10. His brother never recovered from it either. They have repaired their relationship slightly, but I am not about to trust him with DS. Thankfully he is several states away. The anger has actually caused a huge problem that is threatening to destroy our marriage. He is so afraid to be like his father that he is afraid to admit his own problems. The best I can do is encourage counseling.
On the other side, my parents have never approved of me. I spent my entire childhood seeking my parent's approval. It has affected every decision I have ever made and I am terrified of my parents. At one point my mom said because of me, she never was able to enjoy her young adult life. DH would rather I separated from them because it makes me so miserable, but I get so scared and anxious that I find myself stuck.
Support DH as much as I can, but understand it is going to have to be his decision as to how to handle this.
Thank you for this.
I wouldn't be surprised if she was either throwing out your supplies or hoarding them somewhere. Sadly, you're probably right on with your assessment.
For my H, I just try to let him talk about it when he wants to. We can't erase the years if neglect and manipulation from his childhood, even though it seems she has!; I can only try to help him live in how good we have it now.
2. Your MIL sounds poisonous, even if she's being all smiley about it. Your husband knows his mother and knows his gut; he should trust the latter enough to know not to trust the former.
3. You mention wanting your husband to have more people love him. It's the quality of the people and his relationship with them that matters, not the quantity. He has you and your son, to start with, and maybe other relatives, and maybe your family. Unless his mother has openly with him owned that she abused him, she hasn't changed and likely won't. So why focus your family's time and energy so intently on trying to have a relationship with the one person who seems to value it the least?