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3rd Trimester
ImaniJ55
member
People...(help please)
ImaniJ55
member
Some friends, family members, and the BF's family have been randomly telling me how they are going to come over my house after I have the baby and take him and how they want to "have him for a week" and "get him off my hands" or so...basically saying things that would upset any new parent as I see it.
My cousin recently had a baby and her mother and sister take her daughter numerous times a day. So much to the point that my cousin has said that she really doesn't feel like a mom because she hardly does anything for or with her.
I do not want that to happen to me. And it's to the point where I try to to be polite with a simple "thanks but no thanks" or "I'll be fine" but it seems like nobody is getting the point. I really don't want to be blatantly rude but it seems like it's going to go that way. What should I do?
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Re: People...(help please)
this
I find this behavior really odd. Who takes someone's newborn away for a week? I understand they are just trying to help, but as tired and sometimes frustrated I was when I had my daughters I NEVER would have let someone take them for a whole day nevertheless a week. I think at most I left them for an hour or two for a haircut, etc.
I don't disagree with most of what Laura_Elaine said, but I totally disagree with the idea that you have to be rude. Refusing the let them take your newborn away from you doesn't have to be intrinsically rude. You can blatantly turn them down in a polite way. Sometimes I think as women, we're trained to think that no=rude, but it really doesn't.
"We're going to take baby next week for you. We're so helpful!"
"That won't be possible. It's really important for me and baby to bond during these early months. Maybe when she's 10-12 months old [OP, insert whatever time you think is appropriate] we'll be ready for her to spend a few days away from home."
"You're so ungrateful! We're trying to help!"
"I really appreciate the impulse! You know what'd be really helpful, though? If you could spare the time, I could really use some help with the [laundry/vacuuming/dusting/whatever you want to put in here]. All of my time right now is being spent taking care of baby and getting to know him/her, and the house is such a mess! I totally understand if you can't help out in that way, though."
If you just want them to leave you don't have to go with the "help with housework" bit, of course. You could just say "We're really not ready for visitors yet. When we are, I'll give you a call and we can plan a visit!" or something.
Whatever you do, decide what you're comfortable with, set boundaries, and remain firm. They may give you a hard time, but know that you're doing what's best for your LO and your family. If you keep firm boundaries, they'll eventually have to accept them. They're not going to take your baby if you say no - that'd be kidnapping! Plus, you'll be setting the stage for the future. If you can stand your ground here, next time they want to pressure you into something, they'll likely back down more quickly because they know that doesn't work well on you.
Good luck!
thanks for the advise ladies. It's just that I'm so nervous because Im worried of how things are going to be when I do come home with my baby. And that's not even including visitors! So adding them with their expectations makes me a little more nervous especially because its going to be flu season too.
When I'm nervous I tend to be a little hot-headed towards people.
I need to speak with them and do some relaxation techniques or something because this is nerve wrecking to me..
But thanks again. Im putting everything you all said to use!
I understand you may not want to hurt feelings or burn bridges, but if someone is blatant enough to tell you they plan on taking your child from you for any amount of time, then you're allowed to be blatant enough to let them know it's not going to happen. You can say it as nice as you like, but don't leave room for them to talk you out of it. Be firm.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Girl, you are going to have to tell them what's what in the kindest way possible, and get more firm as the headstrongness comes out. It's your baby that you need to bond with, and they need to respect that. I do think they're probably trying to be helpful AND selfish at the same time, so try to focus on the "helpful" part of their intentions.
I'm going to be dealing with crap as well. We're going to (hopefully) be travelling 9 hours to go up to visit family for Christmas and such, and we're going to be sleeping at my parent's house, who have basically an entire basement with a bedroom, bathroom, and sitting area we can use and be private. My inlaws are VERY upset at this, even though we've been preparing them for months that this is how it is going to be. I've tried to set it up so that every one knows full well they are welcome to come to the house to see us, but we won't be getting out all of the time, if any (depending on how I feel and how cold it is out.) This has literally turned in to the biggest family feud EVER. They still aren't speaking to me, and I don't care. I'm doing what is best for my child and if they want to see him, they are going to have to do it on my terms.
You have to do what you're comfortable with. We tried the nice and kind approach for months and they never said a word of having a problem with it, until they exploded about it. Now, I'm being firm and blunt about it rather than trying to tip-toe around feelings. The time for that, in my situation, is over. I wish you luck!!!
I feel a little differently than PP's on this. This is what I call an "acknowledge, ignore, move on" situation. Are you going to let them take your baby? No. So why get upset about it, when you know for certain that it isn't going to happen? They can live in Lala land all they want, but when they show up at your house and attempt to start the conversation about taking your baby the answer will be a simple "no". The fireworks you fear and the awkwardness you anticipate with regard to this situation will all dissipate in the light of new motherhood and the love of your child, I promise.
If you feel that you have to say something, I would laugh. Laughter can be very helpful in dealing with issues that are both absurd and anxiety ridden. For example, "when I have _____ for the week," enter mother's light hearted chuckle followed by a "bless your heart, but I doubt I will be willing to send my baby away for an hour let alone a week". If they continue to pressure you, "Well, you'll see and you'll be begging me to take him off your hands!" input the "acknowledge, ignore, move on" phase. Say, "Ok, we will see when that time comes," and then change the subject.
The fact is, this is your baby, and you will find the courage to stand up and say no when, or if, this ever comes to fruition.
I agree with what the other ladies have said. now is the time to set up boundaries with these people. when they say they'll be taking your child for the week, just smile and laugh and give them whatever excuse you want, but be firm that it's not happening. I like to "kill them with kindness" like others have suggested. My ILs are so crazy and irrational, I have learned to tune out all their rantings and just smile and do what I want when they start telling me what i should/shouldn't do with my child(ren). "Bless your heart, but I don't think we'll be up to it" is a perfectly acceptable answer. like someone else mentioned no =/= rude. stand up for yourelf mama! you are the parent, and you (& DH) get the only say in how to raise your LO. it might sound like a daunting task now, but once you have that sweet baby in your arms, the mama bear instinct will kick in and you won't give a flying rats a$$ what other people think. promise.
My IL think they can come stay with us for a MONTH. lol. I told DH they are perfectly within their rights to come visit for a day or so.... but 1) they won't be staying in our house, so they better plan on a hotel or something and 2) they better bet their a$$ they aren't going to be my priority, they aren't coming to have me entertain/clean up after them. I'll have just given birth, and my only focus will be on my darling girls, and my hubby. spending time as a family.
good luck OP!
I didn't think it was funny when my MIL said she would be taking my baby from the time she is 6 months old until she was 2 when I wasn't pregnant, and I absolutely wouldn't think it was funny if she repeated something like that again now!
You will be the mama, you will need to be polite, yet firm, and thank your family for their willingness to help, but give them other ways in which they can actually be helpful.
Do you have a partner who supports you in this area? If you do, be sure you and him are on the same page and you can even have him have the more awkward conversations with your family, because after all, no one should stress a new mama out more than she already is!