Telling SS about BFP

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

As you can see in my below posts SS hasnt been talking or receiving DH phone calls. The only time SS calls is if he wants something from DH (halloween costume, legos, video games, etc).

Well after 13 months of TTC and being told by doctors we had a 2% chance of conceiving without medical treatment, we have a BFP! DH and I are thrilled and want to tell SS about the miracle baby we have been wanting for years. SS has been asking me for a sibling since his dad and I married so we are thinking he too will be excited about the news.

We have been calling SS and he isnt taking our calls. We want to be the ones to tell him, but at this point its looking like we may have to tell BM so she can tell him. We dont want him to find out from someone else, but hearing it from his mom may have to be the way it is.

txgsd81 · November 2012

Congrats!!! I saw your post on TTGP :

Since he has previously expressed excitement about having a sibling, is there any way you could call BM and have her tell SS that y'all are on the phone and have surprise to tell him about?

I have a feeling we'll be in the same boat if we ever get a BFP, since SS16 has stopped responding or communicating with DH. Unfortunately, SS flipped out when BM told him she was expecting a couple of years ago so I doubt he'd even be remotely excited.

fellesferie · November 2012

Just wanted to say congratulations!

kimmygirl77 · November 2012

I am sorry.... I know i am in the minority here... But i dont get how your 8 year old SS gets to ignore his parent. ( your DH) i think it is BM's responsibilty to MAKE him get on the phone and talk to your DH. I am sorry but it a respect thing. I teach my children not to ignore anyone!!! Even if you are angry with someone. If that person addresses you, you answer politely. Especially his parent!!! If your SS was my kid, i would make him return your phone calls and he would be admonished by me for ignoring and disrespecting his parent. Then i would punish him if that behavior continues. He is 8 years old. He does not run the show and he needs to be taught how to behave and how to treat people. I could not believe your BM said "i cant make him talk to you" because i believe she can and that it is her responsibilty to do so. Now in situations like wendi's and jo's i believe that the kids should not have to talk to their parent because their fathers have not shown any interest or put forth any effort. But if you are involved, even of you are long distance, i dont think the kids get to be disrespectful and then the custodial parent does nothing about it. Comgrats on your LO and a happy and healthy 9 months to you!! My advice is to get BM on the phone and have her MAKE SS get on the phone. Then tell him you wont put up with his behavior and ask BM to get on board and not allow it anymore. Then wait a couple weeks and call back and tell him about his sibling.

CFjo2010 · November 2012

kimmygirl77:
I am sorry.... I know i am in the minority here... But i dont get how your 8 year old SS gets to ignore his parent. ( your DH) i think it is BM's responsibilty to MAKE him get on the phone and talk to your DH. I am sorry but it a respect thing. I teach my children not to ignore anyone!!! Even if you are angry with someone. If that person addresses you, you answer politely. Especially his parent!!! If your SS was my kid, i would make him return your phone calls and he would be admonished by me for ignoring and disrespecting his parent. Then i would punish him if that behavior continues. He is 8 years old. He does not run the show and he needs to be taught how to behave and how to treat people. I could not believe your BM said "i cant make him talk to you" because i believe she can and that it is her responsibilty to do so. Now in situations like wendi's and jo's i believe that the kids should not have to talk to their parent because their fathers have not shown any interest or put forth any effort. But if you are involved, even of you are long distance, i dont think the kids get to be disrespectful and then the custodial parent does nothing about it. Comgrats on your LO and a happy and healthy 9 months to you!! My advice is to get BM on the phone and have her MAKE SS get on the phone. Then tell him you wont put up with his behavior and ask BM to get on board and not allow it anymore. Then wait a couple weeks and call back and tell him about his sibling.

Um, please enlighten me as to how one can physically force someone to talk. Especially an 8 year old. Because I've been trying for years and nothing has worked. And I think if you were to talk to a counselor or therapist, they will tell you that punishing the child for not talking to the other parent is only going to make the matter worse. Point is, no one can make this child talk. I think BM is really doing as much as she can at this point. She hands the phone to SS when his father calls and they can clearly hear him say he doesn't want to talk. So what else is she supposed to do? Instead of punishing or threatening, it's up to the parents to get to the root of the problem. Get the child in counseling and see what's going on. At this age, I really believe OP's SS is "testing" his father to see how hard he's willing to fight for him.

OP, congratulations to you and your family. I think SS needs to hear the news from you and DH, not BM. If he's still unwilling to talk on the phone, maybe send him a package in the mail with a "Big Brother" t-shirt and a letter telling him the news. Keep him in the loop as much as possible. He's a boy and he's 8, right now he's going to act big and tough like he doesn't care. But each effort your husband makes will speak volumes to SS. You had said he's visiting in May, would it be possible to hold off finding out the sex of the baby until SS is visiting? I know waiting a few extra months to find out might be maddening for you, but that may help him feel more involved even though he's long distance.

kimmygirl77 · November 2012

kimmygirl77:
I am sorry.... I know i am in the minority here... But i dont get how your 8 year old SS gets to ignore his parent. ( your DH) i think it is BM's responsibilty to MAKE him get on the phone and talk to your DH. I am sorry but it a respect thing. I teach my children not to ignore anyone!!! Even if you are angry with someone. If that person addresses you, you answer politely. Especially his parent!!! If your SS was my kid, i would make him return your phone calls and he would be admonished by me for ignoring and disrespecting his parent. Then i would punish him if that behavior continues. He is 8 years old. He does not run the show and he needs to be taught how to behave and how to treat people. I could not believe your BM said "i cant make him talk to you" because i believe she can and that it is her responsibilty to do so. Now in situations like wendi's and jo's i believe that the kids should not have to talk to their parent because their fathers have not shown any interest or put forth any effort. But if you are involved, even of you are long distance, i dont think the kids get to be disrespectful and then the custodial parent does nothing about it. Comgrats on your LO and a happy and healthy 9 months to you!! My advice is to get BM on the phone and have her MAKE SS get on the phone. Then tell him you wont put up with his behavior and ask BM to get on board and not allow it anymore. Then wait a couple weeks and call back and tell him about his sibling.

As i reread this it sounded harsh and uncaring. IF there is something wrong with SS i think his parents need to sit down together and find out what is wrong. Your DH can be on skype and all 3 of them need to sit and talk and find out why he is refusing phone calls. Once they find out it needs to be said that the ignoring behavior is not the way to behave. Your DH and BM have to show a united front in this. I still believe in what i said above but i left out that there must be a reason why and that needs to be uncovered and addressed.

Ginlyn0 · November 2012

Congrats! I also think you should be the ones to tell him and obviously up to you when you want to tell. But wanted to give you my advice, we told our kids very early on the pregnancy I lost before DS and then they had to go through the miscarriage with me but we were there to talk them through it. So we waited until after the first US in which we saw and heard the heartbeat with DS to tell them. I just think with the current situation, you may want to wait a bit since SS isn't communicating much with your DH right now and therefore may not be able to communicate his feelings very well if you needed to inform him of a tragedy regarding the pregnancy.

kimmygirl77 · November 2012

jobalchak:

Um, please enlighten me as to how one can physically force someone to talk. Especially an 8 year old. Because I've been trying for years and nothing has worked. And I think if you were to talk to a counselor or therapist, they will tell you that punishing the child for not talking to the other parent is only going to make the matter worse. Point is, no one can make this child talk. I think BM is really doing as much as she can at this point. She hands the phone to SS when his father calls and they can clearly hear him say he doesn't want to talk. So what else is she supposed to do? Instead of punishing or threatening, it's up to the parents to get to the root of the problem. Get the child in counseling and see what's going on. At this age, I really believe OP's SS is "testing" his father to see how hard he's willing to fight for him.

OP, congratulations to you and your family. I think SS needs to hear the news from you and DH, not BM. If he's still unwilling to talk on the phone, maybe send him a package in the mail with a "Big Brother" t-shirt and a letter telling him the news. Keep him in the loop as much as possible. He's a boy and he's 8, right now he's going to act big and tough like he doesn't care. But each effort your husband makes will speak volumes to SS. You had said he's visiting in May, would it be possible to hold off finding out the sex of the baby until SS is visiting? I know waiting a few extra months to find out might be maddening for you, but that may help him feel more involved even though he's long distance.

When my SSs have not wanted to talk to someone on the phone, the phone is handed to them anyway and BM, or Gma, or Gpa, or who ever starts talking and asking them how their day is or BM has spoken to them about whatever and the boys answer. Sometimes it is one word answers, but as long as they are polite, then I didn't see a problem. If they ran away or hung up on the person my DH would find out why they acted like that. There has to be a reason. Then they would call back and apologize for being rude.

I guess I am naive when it comes to this kind of thing. I have never had to go round and round with my kids. It is cut in dry in our house. You follow the rules or you get a consequence. The same applied here..... They were polite and spoke to their mother on the phone or something was taken away. It was easy when they were little. Now that I have an 18 year old it is not so easy. Because we can't punish anymore.

Sorry if I offended anyone...... I guess it is just different parenting styles.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

MelRC117:

I have no advice but I just wanted to tell you congrats!!

Thank you :-)

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

TheJerseyCowgirl:
Congrats!!! I saw your post on TTGP Thank you! We are beyond excited :-): Since he has previously expressed excitement about having a sibling, is there any way you could call BM and have her tell SS that y'all are on the phone and have surprise to tell him about? We actualy did call and BM tried handing him the phone but he wouldnt take it. She said "Your dad has something important he wants to tell you! Don't you want to know what it is?" and SS pretty much ran out of the room. I really dont know what else to do then to have BM put it on speaker phone so he doesnt have a choice but to hear, but thats not fun. I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling we'll be in the same boat if we ever get a BFP, since SS16 has stopped responding or communicating with DH. Unfortunately, SS flipped out when BM told him she was expecting a couple of years ago so I doubt he'd even be remotely excited.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

wendilea:

congrats! I would wait until he takes your call or you can skype or something. If I remember correctly, you don't have another visit until May, right? So telling him in person is out.

Yes, our next visit is May and the best part in my mind is visitation is scheduled to end after my due date. I think it is great that SS will be able to meet his sibling.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

jobalchak:

kimmygirl77:
I am sorry.... I know i am in the minority here... But i dont get how your 8 year old SS gets to ignore his parent. ( your DH) i think it is BM's responsibilty to MAKE him get on the phone and talk to your DH. I am sorry but it a respect thing. I teach my children not to ignore anyone!!! Even if you are angry with someone. If that person addresses you, you answer politely. Especially his parent!!! If your SS was my kid, i would make him return your phone calls and he would be admonished by me for ignoring and disrespecting his parent. Then i would punish him if that behavior continues. He is 8 years old. He does not run the show and he needs to be taught how to behave and how to treat people. I could not believe your BM said "i cant make him talk to you" because i believe she can and that it is her responsibilty to do so. Now in situations like wendi's and jo's i believe that the kids should not have to talk to their parent because their fathers have not shown any interest or put forth any effort. But if you are involved, even of you are long distance, i dont think the kids get to be disrespectful and then the custodial parent does nothing about it. Comgrats on your LO and a happy and healthy 9 months to you!! My advice is to get BM on the phone and have her MAKE SS get on the phone. Then tell him you wont put up with his behavior and ask BM to get on board and not allow it anymore. Then wait a couple weeks and call back and tell him about his sibling.

Um, please enlighten me as to how one can physically force someone to talk. Especially an 8 year old. Because I've been trying for years and nothing has worked. And I think if you were to talk to a counselor or therapist, they will tell you that punishing the child for not talking to the other parent is only going to make the matter worse. Point is, no one can make this child talk. I think BM is really doing as much as she can at this point. She hands the phone to SS when his father calls and they can clearly hear him say he doesn't want to talk. So what else is she supposed to do? Instead of punishing or threatening, it's up to the parents to get to the root of the problem. Get the child in counseling and see what's going on. At this age, I really believe OP's SS is "testing" his father to see how hard he's willing to fight for him.

OP, congratulations to you and your family. I think SS needs to hear the news from you and DH, not BM. If he's still unwilling to talk on the phone, maybe send him a package in the mail with a "Big Brother" t-shirt and a letter telling him the news. Keep him in the loop as much as possible. He's a boy and he's 8, right now he's going to act big and tough like he doesn't care. But each effort your husband makes will speak volumes to SS. You had said he's visiting in May, would it be possible to hold off finding out the sex of the baby until SS is visiting? I know waiting a few extra months to find out might be maddening for you, but that may help him feel more involved even though he's long distance.

I really like your suggestions in the bolded. These are all really great ideas. DH already sends SS packages on a monthly basis so this one would be extra special.

I also agree with you that I think SS is testing how far he can get with his dad and even in some ways testing his mom with some of his behavior. I just want a solution of some sort bc if we dont talk to him until we see him in May I think its going to make visitation very difficult.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

kimmygirl77:
kimmygirl77:
I am sorry.... I know i am in the minority here... But i dont get how your 8 year old SS gets to ignore his parent. ( your DH) i think it is BM's responsibilty to MAKE him get on the phone and talk to your DH. I am sorry but it a respect thing. I teach my children not to ignore anyone!!! Even if you are angry with someone. If that person addresses you, you answer politely. Especially his parent!!! If your SS was my kid, i would make him return your phone calls and he would be admonished by me for ignoring and disrespecting his parent. Then i would punish him if that behavior continues. He is 8 years old. He does not run the show and he needs to be taught how to behave and how to treat people. I could not believe your BM said "i cant make him talk to you" because i believe she can and that it is her responsibilty to do so. Now in situations like wendi's and jo's i believe that the kids should not have to talk to their parent because their fathers have not shown any interest or put forth any effort. But if you are involved, even of you are long distance, i dont think the kids get to be disrespectful and then the custodial parent does nothing about it. Comgrats on your LO and a happy and healthy 9 months to you!! My advice is to get BM on the phone and have her MAKE SS get on the phone. Then tell him you wont put up with his behavior and ask BM to get on board and not allow it anymore. Then wait a couple weeks and call back and tell him about his sibling.
As i reread this it sounded harsh and uncaring. IF there is something wrong with SS i think his parents need to sit down together and find out what is wrong. Your DH can be on skype and all 3 of them need to sit and talk and find out why he is refusing phone calls. Once they find out it needs to be said that the ignoring behavior is not the way to behave. Your DH and BM have to show a united front in this. I still believe in what i said above but i left out that there must be a reason why and that needs to be uncovered and addressed.

As far as we, BM DH and myself can tell this is all new and unexplained behavior. There was no incident that any of us can pinpoint. I just think the fact his dad has been deployed for 3 years of his life and lived overseas for the other 4 years is starting to take a toll on him. BM is a good mom, though I dont agree with everything she does, he is healthy and alive. But he is getting to the point where he needs a male example in his life. He has a way of "shutting down" and I just think he is applying it as his coping mechanism for his BF situation.

But I am not a doctor and I think one should see him.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

gin9874:

Congrats! I also think you should be the ones to tell him and obviously up to you when you want to tell. But wanted to give you my advice, we told our kids very early on the pregnancy I lost before DS and then they had to go through the miscarriage with me but we were there to talk them through it. So we waited until after the first US in which we saw and heard the heartbeat with DS to tell them. I just think with the current situation, you may want to wait a bit since SS isn't communicating much with your DH right now and therefore may not be able to communicate his feelings very well if you needed to inform him of a tragedy regarding the pregnancy.

Thank you for the advice. I didnt think of this.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

You follow the rules or you get a consequence.

In our (mine and DH) home we have the above parenting style. However, we cannot say the same for BMs. I have come to accept the "you cant control what happens in someone elses home" mentality a long time ago.

kimmygirl77 · November 2012

*HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:
You follow the rules or you get a consequence.

In our (mine and DH) home we have the above parenting style. However, we cannot say the same for BMs. I have come to accept the "you cant control what happens in someone elses home" mentality a long time ago.

I understand this. you can't control what BM is doing in her home. Because of this, I don't think this will get better until SS DECIDES he wants something from you. Then he will talk to you. He is allowed to act disrespectfully, so he will. I bet if he came home from school and ignored BM, locked himself in his room, and ran away from BM when she tried to talk to him she would sit him down and force him to tell her what was going on..... it should go both ways.

CurlyQ284 · November 2012

No advice but congrats! I know you have been TTC for a while so when I saw BFP I was really happy for you. Yayyy!

bebe11 · November 2012

Congratulations!!

I would send him a letter, or a card, rather than having him Mom tell him. I am sorry he won't take your H's calls, I know that has to be hard. But keep trying

Littlejen22 · November 2012

HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL:
You follow the rules or you get a consequence.nbsp;
In our mine and DH home we have the above parenting style. However, we cannot say the same for BMs. I have come to accept the "you cant control what happens in someone elses home" mentality a long time ago.

I think this is how I would accept it too in your situation. I do agree with Kimmie but all depends on how far your DH wants to take it. And I get what Jo said about you cannot force someone to talk but if there is no answer from a kid for the Why if there is I would figure it out from there I would make them sit on the phone even if all they did was listen.

icesprincess · November 2012

jobalchak:
kimmygirl77:
I am sorry.... I know i am in the minority here... But i dont get how your 8 year old SS gets to ignore his parent. ( your DH) i think it is BM's responsibilty to MAKE him get on the phone and talk to your DH. I am sorry but it a respect thing. I teach my children not to ignore anyone!!! Even if you are angry with someone. If that person addresses you, you answer politely. Especially his parent!!! If your SS was my kid, i would make him return your phone calls and he would be admonished by me for ignoring and disrespecting his parent. Then i would punish him if that behavior continues. He is 8 years old. He does not run the show and he needs to be taught how to behave and how to treat people. I could not believe your BM said "i cant make him talk to you" because i believe she can and that it is her responsibilty to do so. Now in situations like wendi's and jo's i believe that the kids should not have to talk to their parent because their fathers have not shown any interest or put forth any effort. But if you are involved, even of you are long distance, i dont think the kids get to be disrespectful and then the custodial parent does nothing about it. Comgrats on your LO and a happy and healthy 9 months to you!! My advice is to get BM on the phone and have her MAKE SS get on the phone. Then tell him you wont put up with his behavior and ask BM to get on board and not allow it anymore. Then wait a couple weeks and call back and tell him about his sibling.

Um, please enlighten me as to how one can physically force someone to talk. Especially an 8 year old. Because I've been trying for years and nothing has worked. And I think if you were to talk to a counselor or therapist, they will tell you that punishing the child for not talking to the other parent is only going to make the matter worse. Point is, no one can make this child talk. I think BM is really doing as much as she can at this point. She hands the phone to SS when his father calls and they can clearly hear him say he doesn't want to talk. So what else is she supposed to do? Instead of punishing or threatening, it's up to the parents to get to the root of the problem. Get the child in counseling and see what's going on. At this age, I really believe OP's SS is "testing" his father to see how hard he's willing to fight for him.

OP, congratulations to you and your family. I think SS needs to hear the news from you and DH, not BM. If he's still unwilling to talk on the phone, maybe send him a package in the mail with a "Big Brother" t-shirt and a letter telling him the news. Keep him in the loop as much as possible. He's a boy and he's 8, right now he's going to act big and tough like he doesn't care. But each effort your husband makes will speak volumes to SS. You had said he's visiting in May, would it be possible to hold off finding out the sex of the baby until SS is visiting? I know waiting a few extra months to find out might be maddening for you, but that may help him feel more involved even though he's long distance.

For us the phone goes on speakerphone and SS has to sit in the room. But that's because SS has been taught/developed the habit that you can hurt people's feelings to get your way. His grandparents routinely pay him to behave and he runs the show.

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