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Adoption
smithpaint
member
telling family/friends
smithpaint
member
in Adoption
We are considering adopting. Originally planned on adopting a young child from Russia. But through researching we have found a boy in Ukraine that we would like to adopt. He is a special needs child who desperately needs a family. I am getting ready to start our home study and hopefully start the process of adopting this boy.
Now we have to tell everyone! We have 5 young children. Hoping the home study goes okay. Maybe my kids will tell the social worker that I'm crazy and the whole thing will be shut down! I am so nervous about how people will react, especially my husband's family. I think they will tell us we are throwing money away, that it is going to be so hard to take care of this child and similar comments. What kind of negative comments (if any) have you received, and how have you handled it?
I know if we adopt this boy it is going to be extremely hard. I know that. I know it costs a lot of money and is going to be very time consuming. I know it's going to take some of my time away from my other children. But I also know how much he would add to our lives. I am super excited and wish other people would be as well, but I don't think that is going to be the case with everyone. Wish us luck!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: telling family/friends
GL!
We didn't get much in the way of negative comments. I think the only initial comment was MIL asking why we would adopt.
I would prepare for the worst and hope for the best. DH's family is very negative in general, and I thought we would get a lot of pushback. Turns out they were thrilled for us. It also helped that DH's cousin had adopted the year before.
I would do some research on including family in the adoption process, how to educate them, and how to answer questions/concerns they may have.
July - Nov 2011: Testing with OB... OB said everything looks good
March - Sept 2012: Moved to RE.. 4 treatment cycles - responses of one or no follicles
09.03.12: Diagnosed Poor Ovarian Response.. DE IVF only option
Feb - Nov 2012: Pursued Adoption. That door slammed shut.
12.23.12: Surprise BFP (first ever)... 12.25 - 12.31: Natural M/C
The first time we adopted, we didn't tell anyone until after we were accepted by our agency. Even then, we only told our families and references until after our homestudy was approved. Everyone said they were very supportive at first, but when they started to understand we were opening ourselves to raising children with special needs, their true feelings came out.
In our close family and friends, no one was really negative about our choice, but many of them just couldn't understand why we would choose to add difficulty to our otherwise pretty charmed life. My brother and his wife still do not understand to this day, even after meeting my boys and seeing how awesome they are firsthand. I know that everyone is just looking out for what they think is in your best interest, but they don't understand that sometimes taking on a challenge does not mean that you don't know what you are walking into and haven't decided you want to do it anyway.
I know this isn't really what you asked, but I thought it important to share, given your question:
My brother's inability to understand why I made the choice I did is probably the thing I struggle with the most. We always said that we didn't feel right adopting a child that couldn't take care of themselves as an adult, because we felt that it wouldn't be fair if someone else had to take care of our adult child after we passed away and had no choice in whether or not to actively take on that responsibility (as we did). But now, we find that we might be facing just that future, even if it is on a mild scale, and we are reevaluating who we named as our sons' guardians. Originally, we chose my BIL and SIL because we see eye-to-eye with their core values, but the past year has shown us that we don't believe they could be the strong advocates our sons will need, nor raise them to adequately plan for the future and be smart about money. These are critical issues if we are right about my son's FASD diagnosis and the impulsive behavior that will likely affect his decision-making. But we find ourselves without an alternative to name as guardian, because my brother and his wife have been clear from the start that they cannot fathom raising a child with special needs. How then, can we ask them to step in and raise our boys? This is perhaps the most scary result of our choice I have faced to date.
Welcome to the board!! I know it's hard worrying about what people will think - we are hoping to adopt a special needs child and I am also worried about my DH's family's reactions. Heck, I'm not even sure about my family's reactions for that matter. I haven't gone through this yet, but we will need to soon.
My best advice would be to present yourselves as confidently and sure of yourself and your decision as you can be. Focus on your immediate family and your happiness and excitement about your decision. If others don't support you then that's their loss. You might be pleasantly surprised by how some react and sadly surprised by others.
Good luck, and keep us posted as to how it goes!
Thanks everyone. Maybe their reactions will be positive. I'll try to stay positive myself.