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Blended Families
New Blended Family/Relationship Advice Needed
Hi, there. I'm a new member and this is one of my first posts to this forum. I'm
looking for advice on how to handle a dilemma I am having with my
boyfriend and his son's mother...this is kind of a piggyback question to a post I made about a week ago, so apologies if it's a bit repetitive.
Some background info on us: I am 32, he is 41. We have been together on and off over the past year, but really made a conscious decision this past August to try and make this relationship work. We are expecting a child together in May. While not exactly planned, we are happy and excited about the pregnancy.
When I began casually dating my boyfriend last December, he had recently gotten out of a relationship with his now 18-month old son's mother. Unbeknownst to me, he was trying to reconcile with her during this time. Although they attempted to work things out, she mostly had made up her mind about not wanting to be with him and shut him out from his son's life. As a result, he missed out on many important moments and milestones in the first year of his son's life (eg, Father's Day, his son's 1st birthday, etc.). This affected him greatly as he is very much in love with his son and he fell into a deep depression because of it.
In March, we began seeing each other a little more seriously and I began to fall in love with him. As things progressed, I tried to get a sense of where we stood as I hoped we could begin seeing each other exclusively but there was some initial hesitancy on his part, most likely because of the situation with his ex, however, eventually did agree to see only each other.
As time went on, we would break up and get back together again for various reasons--mainly, though, because I sensed that he hadn't quite moved on from his ex, however, he would always call constantly when we broke up and express his love for me and desire to make things work between us, and reassure me that it was simply his son that he missed and not her. I suspect that he would try to reconcile with his during our separations judging from various Facebook status updates and pictures on his page as well as items I would find around his house.
After a 2-week separation in July, we got back together in August and as I mentioned, made a decision to take our relationship to the next level. He asked me to move into his apartment and I could sense that something was different this time.
In late September, we found out I was pregnant. Additionally, he and his son's mother were finally able to work out a visitation agreement for his son where he would have him three times a week for four hours, provided there was a court-approved supervisor there (the mother is afraid that he will kidnap their son in retaliation for him being away from their son for so long. She also worries that since he hasn't been involved in much of his son's life, he doesn't know how to take care of him very well). While happy about getting visitation rights, my boyfriend wants to have more unsupervised time with his son as it will allow for more fun activities and it is sometimes difficult to arrange to have supervisors there due to their work schedules and other commitments.
Since getting visitation rights back for his son, my boyfriend has been spending a great deal of time texting his ex and having lengthy conversations with her on the phone almost daily. He contends that this is necessary because for one, he enjoys hearing his son's voice on the phone and likes to check up on him. He also feels that by being friendly with her, it will help ease her concerns about him being alone with their son and will eventually help him get unsupervised additional visitation time.
At one point, he even proposed letting her work for him as a trainer in his personal training business as she is unemployed with little job skills or education and has no means of affording daycare. He contends that it is a way of him helping her and that it is her only real option of making a significant income.
I've looked through his cell phone and noticed that there are missing portions of conversations between them because he deleted them. He also sometimes accompanies his son's mother to his son's haircuts or other outings and neglects to tell me. He explains that he deletes the conversations because he doesn't want us to argue, and doesn't tell me about being alone with his son and his son's mother because he wants to see his son as often as he can, but at the same time, doesn't want to upset me or cause me stress while I am pregnant.
While I want to be supportive of him spending time with his son, I am obviously very uncomfortable about him being around his child's mother when it is not necessary due to the fact that I feel like he hasn't completely healed or moved on from their breakup. For example, he became depressed when he found she was dating in October and brings her up sometimes in casual conversation when we aren't even discussing his son. This subject is a sensitive one for us, and we fight about it often as it bothers me on almost a daily basis. He thinks that I am being overly jealous and insecure and that my pregnancy hormones are triggering these feelings, while I do not think I am being unreasonable at all.
Despite all of this, I do know for certain that he loves me, will love our child unconditionally and is and will be an amazing father. When we are not fighting, he is incredibly affectionate, loving, passionate and a good partner. We have strong emotional and physical connections and I have never experienced a love like I feel for him.
I would like for our children to have a loving home environment, with parents who have a healthy relationship. I have proposed family/couples counseling and he is very willing to go, however, I'm wondering if this relationship is even salvageable or if it holds nothing but future heartache for me. The stress of the whole situation is taking a huge toll on my physical and mental health.
Some background info on us: I am 32, he is 41. We have been together on and off over the past year, but really made a conscious decision this past August to try and make this relationship work. We are expecting a child together in May. While not exactly planned, we are happy and excited about the pregnancy.
When I began casually dating my boyfriend last December, he had recently gotten out of a relationship with his now 18-month old son's mother. Unbeknownst to me, he was trying to reconcile with her during this time. Although they attempted to work things out, she mostly had made up her mind about not wanting to be with him and shut him out from his son's life. As a result, he missed out on many important moments and milestones in the first year of his son's life (eg, Father's Day, his son's 1st birthday, etc.). This affected him greatly as he is very much in love with his son and he fell into a deep depression because of it.
In March, we began seeing each other a little more seriously and I began to fall in love with him. As things progressed, I tried to get a sense of where we stood as I hoped we could begin seeing each other exclusively but there was some initial hesitancy on his part, most likely because of the situation with his ex, however, eventually did agree to see only each other.
As time went on, we would break up and get back together again for various reasons--mainly, though, because I sensed that he hadn't quite moved on from his ex, however, he would always call constantly when we broke up and express his love for me and desire to make things work between us, and reassure me that it was simply his son that he missed and not her. I suspect that he would try to reconcile with his during our separations judging from various Facebook status updates and pictures on his page as well as items I would find around his house.
After a 2-week separation in July, we got back together in August and as I mentioned, made a decision to take our relationship to the next level. He asked me to move into his apartment and I could sense that something was different this time.
In late September, we found out I was pregnant. Additionally, he and his son's mother were finally able to work out a visitation agreement for his son where he would have him three times a week for four hours, provided there was a court-approved supervisor there (the mother is afraid that he will kidnap their son in retaliation for him being away from their son for so long. She also worries that since he hasn't been involved in much of his son's life, he doesn't know how to take care of him very well). While happy about getting visitation rights, my boyfriend wants to have more unsupervised time with his son as it will allow for more fun activities and it is sometimes difficult to arrange to have supervisors there due to their work schedules and other commitments.
Since getting visitation rights back for his son, my boyfriend has been spending a great deal of time texting his ex and having lengthy conversations with her on the phone almost daily. He contends that this is necessary because for one, he enjoys hearing his son's voice on the phone and likes to check up on him. He also feels that by being friendly with her, it will help ease her concerns about him being alone with their son and will eventually help him get unsupervised additional visitation time.
At one point, he even proposed letting her work for him as a trainer in his personal training business as she is unemployed with little job skills or education and has no means of affording daycare. He contends that it is a way of him helping her and that it is her only real option of making a significant income.
I've looked through his cell phone and noticed that there are missing portions of conversations between them because he deleted them. He also sometimes accompanies his son's mother to his son's haircuts or other outings and neglects to tell me. He explains that he deletes the conversations because he doesn't want us to argue, and doesn't tell me about being alone with his son and his son's mother because he wants to see his son as often as he can, but at the same time, doesn't want to upset me or cause me stress while I am pregnant.
While I want to be supportive of him spending time with his son, I am obviously very uncomfortable about him being around his child's mother when it is not necessary due to the fact that I feel like he hasn't completely healed or moved on from their breakup. For example, he became depressed when he found she was dating in October and brings her up sometimes in casual conversation when we aren't even discussing his son. This subject is a sensitive one for us, and we fight about it often as it bothers me on almost a daily basis. He thinks that I am being overly jealous and insecure and that my pregnancy hormones are triggering these feelings, while I do not think I am being unreasonable at all.
Despite all of this, I do know for certain that he loves me, will love our child unconditionally and is and will be an amazing father. When we are not fighting, he is incredibly affectionate, loving, passionate and a good partner. We have strong emotional and physical connections and I have never experienced a love like I feel for him.
I would like for our children to have a loving home environment, with parents who have a healthy relationship. I have proposed family/couples counseling and he is very willing to go, however, I'm wondering if this relationship is even salvageable or if it holds nothing but future heartache for me. The stress of the whole situation is taking a huge toll on my physical and mental health.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New Blended Family/Relationship Advice Needed
I read this whole thing. Twice. Know what I saw from beginning to end? 'RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG, CHEATING, RED FLAG'.
From just this post, and this post alone, I would say he is not only trying to get unsupervised visitation, but that he is trying to get back with ex. You seem to be the little toy in the middle that just keeps getting picked up on the down time. Now you are pregnant with his child and are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you stay and continue to be shat on by this guy who has to erase text messages so you don't see them and lie to you about being with his ex? Or do you leave, and still have to deal with this guy regardless, because now you share a common bond that will link you for the rest of your life anyway?
I think you have to decide your own worth, and how you will accept to be treated. I would have been gone after discovering that he can't be honest with me about text messages. If he can't be honest with you about a few simple conversations (or so he makes them out to be nothing) then how do you expect him to be honest with you about anything big? He isn't going to be. You are going to go through cycle after cycle of lies, deceit, and feeling like you are the second string quarterback. Essentially that's really all you are. Now you have to just decide what you think you are wroth and how you will allow him to treat you. You have let it go on this long, it's doubtful he will change the way he treats you because you have set the precedent. What you allow will be what will continue.
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Thanks, karatechrissy. I appreciate you taking the time to read the post as I know it's extremely long. That's how I've felt for a long time...like a second choice. The only thing that I can add is that I have had text conversations with his ex. My intuition tells me that she doesn't want him back and is just trying to co-parent with him in a healthy way. When I asked her if he has been attempting to get back with her, she says he is not. I'm not sure if she's telling the truth or just saying this because she doesn't want to cause drama between us, or because she doesn't want us to break up and have him bothering her to reconcile again.
I agree with everything that karatechrissy said. I was actually in a relationship similar to this one about 2 years ago. Granted I wasn't pregnant with the guy but everything else just about matches. The other woman in the picture wasn't an ex though but a friend he had had for a while. She was underage at the time(he was 28). This girl had a small child and he kept telling me they were only friends and was just trying to be a mentor to her(she liked to go out and party with her child where no one was sober). I believed him at first because of the way he was treating me. Well, there was some suspicion that started because of some things he had mentioned. I found her on facebook and messaged her asking her if anything was going on between them. Apparently their stories were thought out because she said the same thing he did. Well, needless to say one time I came to his apartment after work she was their for their "friend" time. I didn't say anything but the next morning I checked his messages and she said that "it" was great and she couldn't wait till next time. I knew right then and there what was going on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though they both tell you that nothing is going on that doesn't mean anything. Maybe she wants him to choose her so she isn't going to tell you because that means he would just be choosing her because you left. I had the same intuition at the beginning that nothing was going on. That intuition was wrong unfortunately. I'm not saying yours is but it might be. Being pregnant just adds to the enormity of this problem. Don't stay just for the child. In the end it will just hurt the child even more being in an unhealthy environment.
I'm sorry you are going through this while pregnant. No one should have to go through it let alone while carrying a child.
He is either trying to get her back or having an affair. The only reason he is still with you this time is not because of something different he decided but because he is scare you will take this kid too. Cut your losses and runnnnnnnn.
I hesitate to be so definite, but please know that I am saying this only out of concern for you. Cut and run, honey. Move out. Find a lawyer. Get something established in writing now for this child you will be having.
This guy is full of it.
"...the mother is afraid that he will kidnap their son in retaliation for him being away from their son for so long. She also worries that since he hasn't been involved in much of his son's life, he doesn't know how to take care of him very well..." If she is genuinely concerned that he would kidnap his son, and a judge saw enough reason to force supervised visitation, there is probably a reason for someone to think this.
"He also feels that by being friendly with her, it will help ease her concerns about him being alone with their son and will eventually help him get unsupervised additional visitation time..." He is right, being civil and accomodating toward his child's mother will probably help them co-parent. But there's a difference between friendly and what is going on here. Friendly is saying hi when you see one another.
"I've looked through his cell phone and noticed that there are missing portions of conversations between them because he deleted them. ... He explains that he deletes the conversations because he doesn't want us to argue, and doesn't tell me about being alone with his son and his son's mother because he wants to see his son as often as he can, but at the same time, doesn't want to upset me or cause me stress while I am pregnant." This is CRAP. If he didn't want to upset you or cause you stress he would stop acting like he is dating this other woman. If he is deleting only portions of conversations and not the whole damn thing it's because he's saying things he shouldn't be.
I hope you resolve things for yourself.
It is exhausting just reading the post, I can not imagine what you are actually feeling by living this kind of life.
In my opinion you seem to be struggling between what your head is saying and your heart. I think you know what is really going on and just don't want it to true.
32 is an age where you should be coming into knowing who you are and your self worth. I think this situation may have stunted that in you.
My advice would be to amicably separate and get on your own feet (help from family/friends if necessary) but get out from under this kind of life where you can focus on yourself and your child. It will be as clear to you as it is to us here on this board what is going on, once you get out.
Best of luck.
I agree with this.
You know, it's possible that he's not entirely sure what he wants either. But you deserve someone who does.
As hard as it might be, I would leave. He's created a situation in which you can't trust him. By the time the baby comes, you'll need to be in a place where you can devote your mental and emotional energy to him or her... and not worry about what this man is doing.
Thank you, and you are right--the pregnancy just compounds the problem.
Apologies for the lack of clarity of my post--I've been really stressed and depressed because of what's going on and it's hard for me to clearly articulate what I'm thinking. I guess this post was a partial vent, and also asking for unbiased insight on our situation.
Thank you, and I agree with you on all points.
I agree with you both. It makes me sick inside to believe it...
Apologies as I realize this is repetitive and I agree with you.
Now, I am in the opposite situation. What you are describing of your bf and his ex those are things that my xh is trying with me while engaged to another woman. If I gave him the green light he would jump at the chance to have a full fledged affair. Even without, he makes inappropriate comments and then tries to cover them up, deletes contact, uses our daughter as reasons to contact and see me but then once he gets the contact he suddenly doesn't care about dd etc. I've had to pretty much sever contact with him. And based on the fact that your bf's ex is entertaining all of his bs, texts etc I'd say there's a good chance something is going on.
I'm sorry you have to go through this especially when pregnant. Please don't stay in a relationship like this respect yourself and eventually you will find a calm and happy place which is what you need to enjoy this pregnancy and a sweet baby!!
I wish you the best....
Just want to add and echo what someone else said... There is another reason that he only got supervised visitation. No judge would award it or only the reasons you listed. There is more to that story and its another huge red flag.