SS refusing to talk to DH

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

SS has refusing to talk to DH on the phone lately. If DH calls, BM will answer and say "SS its your dad on the phone" and DH can hear SS crying about how he doesnt want to talk on the phone. SS has repeatedly hung up on DH.

I was texting BM the other day to confirm she received a package we sent SS and she said "Yes Thank you. The package was appreciated. SS still doesnt want to talk to you or his dad." When I asked her if she knew why (this is the first time I have heard my name brought into it) she said "no, and believe me I have asked. I cant force it out of him though"

SS has a history of just "shutting down" when a serious conversation is brought up. i think now that he is getting older he is starting to struggle more with the BF thing. He has said things to be in the past about how he "wants to live with daddy, but I dont want mom to be alone. I have to stay home and take care of her."

I personally believe SS needs some sort of counseling, but I know BM would take it badly if I was the one to suggest it. DH wants to discuss SS refusing to talk to him with BM but I dont know how far it is actually going to go.

SS is 8. Can someone suggest something ? SS only calls when he wants something from his dad or wants him to pay for something.

CFjo2010 · November 2012

My son stoped talking to his father when he was around 8 years old, he's now 13. However, please don't think the situation is hopeless. I understand where BM is coming from when she says she can't force SS to talk. Because really, she can't. No one can physically force someone to talk on the phone. Believe me, I tried.

We're in CA and DC lives in TN, so I think being long distance has a lot to do with the kids pulling away. I'm not 100% sure in your situation, but in my situation DC chose to move across the country and this caused a lot of pain and resentment from the kids. It almost seemed like DS was "testing" his father to see what he would do. And DC did nothing. He still does nothing. So here we are 6 years later and DS still refuses to talk to his father.

I think the best thing your husband can do is keep trying. Keep calling every day or every other day, whatever the schedule is. Send letters and emails. That's where DC screwed up with my son: he gave up. I think what my son really needed was to know that his father would never give up on him, but DC never tried.

Littlejen22 · November 2012

Maybe the next time you talk to her about it you can suggest he talk to someone at school instead of a private counselor?

Holly_1007 · November 2012

are you long distance? if so, how far? can DH drive there this weekend? I agree with jo, just keep trying and showing you care

twister22 · November 2012

jobalchak:
My son stoped talking to his father when he was around 8 years old, he's now 13. However, please don't think the situation is hopeless. I understand where BM is coming from when she says she can't force SS to talk. Because really, she can't. No one can physically force someone to talk on the phone. Believe me, I tried.

We're in CA and DC lives in TN, so I think being long distance has a lot to do with the kids pulling away. I'm not 100% sure in your situation, but in my situation DC chose to move across the country and this caused a lot of pain and resentment from the kids. It almost seemed like DS was "testing" his father to see what he would do. And DC did nothing. He still does nothing. So here we are 6 years later and DS still refuses to talk to his father.

I think the best thing your husband can do is keep trying. Keep calling every day or every other day, whatever the schedule is. Send letters and emails. That's where DC screwed up with my son: he gave up. I think what my son really needed was to know that his father would never give up on him, but DC never tried.

All of this.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

jobalchak:

My son stoped talking to his father when he was around 8 years old, he's now 13. However, please don't think the situation is hopeless. I understand where BM is coming from when she says she can't force SS to talk. Because really, she can't. No one can physically force someone to talk on the phone. Believe me, I tried.

We're in CA and DC lives in TN, so I think being long distance has a lot to do with the kids pulling away. I'm not 100% sure in your situation, but in my situation DC chose to move across the country and this caused a lot of pain and resentment from the kids. It almost seemed like DS was "testing" his father to see what he would do. And DC did nothing. He still does nothing. So here we are 6 years later and DS still refuses to talk to his father.

I think the best thing your husband can do is keep trying. Keep calling every day or every other day, whatever the schedule is. Send letters and emails. That's where DC screwed up with my son: he gave up. I think what my son really needed was to know that his father would never give up on him, but DC never tried.

I too believe that the distance has a lot to do with the pulling away. DH and I are military so we are moving constantly. However, this has been the lifestyle that SS has always been a part of so part of me wonders if there is something MORE than just the distance.

DH has no intention of giving up and he continues to call as well as take his visitation time. I am concerned bc the next visit is May and if SS keeps refusing to talk then it will be even harder to transition to him coming to visit.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

Littlejen22:
Maybe the next time you talk to her about it you can suggest he talk to someone at school instead of a private counselor?

This is a good idea. I wonder if the school has something set up like this? He goes to a very small Christian private school.

We have great medical coverage so counseling would be covered if BM wanted to take him somewhere ...

CFjo2010 · November 2012

*HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:
jobalchak:

My son stoped talking to his father when he was around 8 years old, he's now 13. However, please don't think the situation is hopeless. I understand where BM is coming from when she says she can't force SS to talk. Because really, she can't. No one can physically force someone to talk on the phone. Believe me, I tried.

We're in CA and DC lives in TN, so I think being long distance has a lot to do with the kids pulling away. I'm not 100% sure in your situation, but in my situation DC chose to move across the country and this caused a lot of pain and resentment from the kids. It almost seemed like DS was "testing" his father to see what he would do. And DC did nothing. He still does nothing. So here we are 6 years later and DS still refuses to talk to his father.

I think the best thing your husband can do is keep trying. Keep calling every day or every other day, whatever the schedule is. Send letters and emails. That's where DC screwed up with my son: he gave up. I think what my son really needed was to know that his father would never give up on him, but DC never tried.

I too believe that the distance has a lot to do with the pulling away. DH and I are military so we are moving constantly. However, this has been the lifestyle that SS has always been a part of so part of me wonders if there is something MORE than just the distance.

DH has no intention of giving up and he continues to call as well as take his visitation time. I am concerned bc the next visit is May and if SS keeps refusing to talk then it will be even harder to transition to him coming to visit.

When DC moved across the country, my son was 6. For the first couple years DS was fine and happy to talk to DC whenever he called. As my son's therapist has explained to me, each emotional/mental change and/or growth kids go through brings the divorce/separation to the surface again and causes the child to experience the loss all over again. At the age of 8, the brain is getting ready for puberty (scary thought) and that's a time when boys really need their fathers. I am in no way saying that your DH needs to leave the military to be with DS. Right now I think your SS is "testing" DH much like my son did. So keep sending letters, keep calling, keep reenforcing to SS that he is loved and wanted and cared for.

As PP suggested, counseling would be excellent for SS. Not just to aide in his relationship with DH, but also help his relationship with BM. Even though he's acting out against DH now, BM is going to be an easy target since she's there 24/7 and he'll start acting out against her too.

JaymeeNicole · November 2012

not wanting mom to be alone is hard. my SS is 6. He lived with his mom for a long time without seeing his dad because of custody complications and BM wouldnt let him talk to DH.

Now that we have things figured out and we started keeping him more BM took off and got crazy and we have no idea where she is. When she is around he "doesnt want to hurt her feelings" It is hard!

Sounds like BM needs to be more supportive. No you can't MAKE him talk to his dad but she needs to at least try harder to see whats going on.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I know it hurts your DH and in turn hurts you.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2012

JaymeeNicole:

not wanting mom to be alone is hard. my SS is 6. He lived with his mom for a long time without seeing his dad because of custody complications and BM wouldnt let him talk to DH.

Now that we have things figured out and we started keeping him more BM took off and got crazy and we have no idea where she is. When she is around he "doesnt want to hurt her feelings" It is hard!

Sounds like BM needs to be more supportive. No you can't MAKE him talk to his dad but she needs to at least try harder to see whats going on.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I know it hurts your DH and in turn hurts you.

As far as I can tell she is being supportive in finding out what is going on with SS. I say that bc when we call she answers and we can hear her say "SS its your dad." which follows by him whining he doesnt want to talk and running away and her saying "you need to get over here and talk to your father."

If he does get on the phone he doesnt respond to DH and hangs up. We can tell he is on the line bc he is whining or fumbling with the phone.

I understand she cant FORCE him to speak but it does sound like she is attempting to make him sit and hold the phone.

xmaryrickx · November 2012

Have you tried to Skype with him? That might work better. Do him and your H play any video games that they could play together? There has to be something age appropriate that allows multiple players. I'm thinking skype would be great or FaceTime

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