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Multiples
Did your friendships change after becoming a twin mom?
I guess I could have posted this on other boards but I feel like it's even more relevant on this board. Did your friendships get lost or change for the worst after you had your twins? I try to keep in touch with my good friends as much as I can, but it's so hard to do so, especially after returning to work and compromising my lunch hour so I can have a shorter day. I just get berated (in a nice way) by my BFF. I think all my friends felt like things would return to normal after 3 months. In no way is that the case. Am I the only one having a hard time with helping their friends understand?
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Re: Did your friendships change after becoming a twin mom?
Somewhat. I have a lot of friends who are unmarried and childless. We were obviously at different places since my son was born, but having twins as well has made that divide seem even greater....if that makes sense.
Most of my close friends with children only have 1 child, so that has made it a bit more difficult to relate. Most are understanding and sensitive to the fact that I have different challenges, so that helps.
I think this is a mom thing in general. I've gotten closer with some of my friends with kids, and stopped talking to completely a friend of mine with out any kids.
Most of my friends with kids are very understanding, they say they know how busy they were with only one baby, and give me credit for making time for stuff as much as I can. and I appreciate that.
One of my friends came to see me and the babies the day they were born, and hasn't since then. I think she expected me to invite her over? The first 6 weeks were a huge blur, and after that, it felt weird calling her to say, "so do you want to come visit since I had major surgery and created 2 new human beings" so i never called her, and she never called me. I think it's somewhat of a stand off at this point, but I have a lot of other great, caring, and understanding friends that I'd rather make time for, since my time is so limited.
I hope my personal little rant helped...lol
ID Twin girls 04/2012
Baby #3 Due Jan. 2017
They've definitely changed. One friend I'm not really friends with anymore because she has such extreme views on parenting issues that I can't talk to her about how we do things without being lectured ("oh, you girls got formula in the NICU? you should have gotten donor milk!", "oh, you vaccinate? your girls will likely get autism" and various other annoying things). Other friends have been great and they come over around bedtime to see the girls, hang out while we get them down, then we go out to dinner.
The biggest thing for me is that I don't put effort into friendships where I was the only one putting in effort. I don't have the time or energy to be the only one working to maintain a friendship. As a result I have "lost" a few friends, but I don't really consider it much of a loss.
This.
My situation is a little different - we moved across the country a week after I found out the baby I was having was actually babies! I got involved in our Moms of Twins Club, and most of the friends I have here are fellow twin moms. It was a great way to connect in a new city!
My pre-baby friends are all long-distance friends, so we keep in touch in more or less the same ways we did before - Skype, e-mail, phone.
Yes, definitely. At the time my twins were born, I had one friend with a child, who works. I am a SAHM, The other girls in our group were married without children or single.
I thought the friend with a child and I would become closer but we are polar opposites in terms of parenting (she's very laid back, has a lot of backup care beyond her daycare provider and is very much of the "it takes a village" mindset, whereas I've been mostly on my own with the twins since they were 3 weeks old) and it caused a lot of friction when I'd vent about nobody sleeping and all the crying and she'd suggest things that aren't really practical with twins like rocking them together or pushing the stroller around the house. A single friend with twin brothers didn't understand why things were so hard for me and was hostile at times if I tried to lean on her for support. Apparently because it was easy for her mom, it should be easy for everyone.
Mostly, my friends just didn't get why we had to be stricter with scheduling and sleep than the family with one baby. It was a survival tactic because at the end of the day, it was just MH and me dealing with the fallout and, during the week it was just me during the daytime. They'll say things like "you need to make your kids learn to sleep in the car" or "why can't they miss a nap?"
Now that my twins are older, there are still issues when we can't get a babysitter and go out with them. We just don't have the family support that the other couples with one child have, and we still feel more comfortable having 2 babysitters if putting them down to bed is involved.
I think, unless you've lived it, there's really no way to fully grasp what the first 6-9 months of twins are like.
My boys are 11 days old, and I also have a 13 month old. I have found my friends, and even family, don't understand that I don't have time for much these days. My husband went back to work yesterday, and I'm doing this all on my own during the day. They don't understand I can't just sit and chit chat on the phone like i used to. They also want to visit, but moreso for the sake of just holding babies and visiting with me. That's hard to explain to them to,as that often becomes more of a burden than anything bc I like to keep a schedule with my daughter, and have household "chores" to get done while the babies nap.
this exactly. My other relationships have definitely changed too. My mom friends I keep in touch with but we mostly talk about mom stuff now. My friends who don't have kids have become very distant and I feel like they feel like we don't have anything in common anymore. I even invited myself and the boys over to my bf's new apartment and she's yet to accept. Like pp said too I feel like they don't understand that I can't just chat away on the phone anymore. When we do talk I usually have whiny babies in the background. It upsets me sometimes mostly bc I feel like nothing in dh's life changed (friendship wise) so I get envious, but I wouldn't trade my family for the world.
This is so true. I try to remember that and respond with grace when friends/family say things that emphasize their lack of understanding.
Yes! Friend with a child 13 months older than my twins would complain about how tiiiiiiired she was and everyone else backed her up because being a working mom of one is oh so much harder than a SAHM of twinfants that were in a huge sleep regression and not napping well or STTN. I was basically told I had no room to say anything because I got to stay home with them. Because we all know SAH is super relaxing and fun with tiny babies.
I know!! My friends with kids all treated me like I stayed home napping and eating bon-bons whenever I wanted. I was AMAZED that my kidless friends were more understanding.