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Late Term and Child Loss
Cincy/Toronto
member
First Christmas with an Angel instead of A Baby...a ramble
Cincy/Toronto
member
**Disclaimer** ~ This started as a post about Christmas and was supposed to be about trying to find a really great ornament and it turned into me rambling, but I still wanted to post because I'm really trying not to edit myself these days. Holding it all in isn't making it better...
I don't know what we are going to do for any of the holidays coming up, and once we decide on the "what" figuring out the 'how' to do it. I find myself looking for ornaments for Lillian and I haven't run across the PERFECT one yet. I see various posts about ornament exchanges on here, on NILMDTS and a few other loss organizations, but nothing has stuck out. Have you gotten an ornament yet? If so, port a picture or a link to recommend it. We were all supposed to be buying Baby's First Christmas or another ornament of significance for the last year of our child's life. We weren't supposed to be doing this! We were in Walmart yesterday looking for things for our 10 yr old son and his two younger brothers at his mom's and we can't look at things for our baby girl who would have been 6 wks and 4 days today.
I struggled with even asking him yesterday if we should get a stocking for Lillian and what about an ornament? It's hard because I find myself not talking about her with him because I'm afraid of what his reaction will be and I don't know why? I'm afraid he's going to tell me that something is stupid or that I'm hanging on to too much. He's never said any of these things to me so I don't know why I have this fear. Does anyone else have this?
Now I feel like I've already run out of steam for this post and I hate that. I go back to work the Monday after Thanksgiving and I still feel like I can't get my thoughts together most days or keep them straight. I'm so sorry for the new Mommies that have had to go back already. I have seen that some of you have only been off 1 or 2 weeks before going back to work and I found myself praying that wasn't a decision forced by the insurance company, your work or even financial need. I'm grateful I still get my 8 wks. of STD off to recover from my C-section. Work tells me to take my time coming back and I wish I could, but unfortunately I've only been getting a partial paycheck and I can't afford to take more time and not have a paycheck, though I really want to and i'm sure their 'take your time' generosity won't include continuing to pay me 
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Re: First Christmas with an Angel instead of A Baby...a ramble
I bought one last yr from Menards. It was and angel wrapped in a really light blue dress with a frilly pink neckline on it and it said " Little Angel". I would try to put up the pic but I have no idea how to do it! I looked all over for just the right one. I know last yr wouldn't be her first christmas but I felt empty not getting one for her. I will find another one this yr. I think I will get her a new one every yr. I know you'll find just the right one for her. Let us know when you do (bonus if you can put up a pic
)
I ordered an ornament from www.thevintagepearl.com I am still waiting for it as it takes a few weeks to have it made.
I too find myself thinking if I bring one more thing up my husband will start to think that I am grasping at straws. However, what I have learned is when I don't bring the boys up for a few days or a week I realize he gets in a funk, a little depressed and I then find us talking about them. Almost like he won't bring them up but me doing so, some how helps him too. Does that make sense?
As far as gathering your thoughts and keeping them straight. I still deal with that every single day. I find my response time a bit slower, I day dream a bit more etc.
I hope yo find the perfect ornament soon.
HUGS
Shawnna