Crawling out of my hole to say hello again

PrettyAccountant · November 2012

Hi Ladies,

I know a lot of women have moved on to a private facebook group and I am sad to say that I see some new faces here. I am very sorry I crawled in a hole and disappeared but after having our daughter ripped away from us, DH and I were completely devastated. In 5 months we had to deal with the death of our triplets and then just when we thought we had our family, our adopted daughter was taken back by the birth mother.

I wanted to thank the women that sent me the most lovely cards and let me know they were thinking about me - I really can't express in words how much those cards meant. I must have read them every day for weeks - it was a life support for me. I couldn't face getting back on the bump because I was being selfish and couldn't / didn't want to hear about others' pain. I thought a number of times about life not being worth living and it scared me that these thoughts were so easily acceptable in my mind. I knew if I did anything to hurt myself, DH would be devastated and I just couldn't hurt him anymore than he was hurt this past year. I never in my life understood how anyone could really contemplate suicide until that point.

I want you all to know that I thought of you often and I wished you all well. I know everyone here has been through so much and IF is just a person killer.

I am sticking my head back in to say hello and hope to hear some great news from the lovely women on this board.

Rachel

NMscubagirl · November 2012

HI RACHEL!!!

I am so happy to read this post from you! I can't even imagine the pain you and DH have been enduring this year. No person should ever have to go through so much.

It sounds like you are really working through it and toward an understanding of where you have been/are/will be.

I completely understand it being hard for you to be on the boards during this time, but I am so happy to see you poke your head in here!

There has been both some great and sad IFV news these days. I will let the other girls share their news.

((super huge hugs))

amy1004 · November 2012

No news or updates from me but I am so glad to see you my dear! I really hope brighter days are ahead for you and all of us. Big hugs sweetie.

mm29 · November 2012

I'm so happy to see an update from you! I never would think you were being selfish. What you and your DH have been dealing with justifies time away to mourn and recover from your losses!

I wish you all the best! You and your DH will continue to be in my thoughts! (((Huge squishy hugs)))

jillychris · November 2012

Hi there!!!! I'm so glad to see you post; I'd been wondering how you and YH were doing. Please don't feel you need to apologize for taking some time for yourself. We are definitely here for you whenever you are ready to come back around.

may2806 · November 2012

Hey, it's so good to see you. Please do not apologize at all for needing some time away. I've thought of you often. I'm so sorry that you have been through so much heartbreak - no one should have to endure that. I know what you mean about feeling like life might not be worth living - I think it's natural/understandable to feel that way after so much loss, but it is a good sign that you recognize how much that would hurt the people around you. I had very similar thoughts after I lost Samantha. If you ever want to talk I am here for you. Do you want to also join the FB group?

I have no news to report, still in a holding pattern pending my FET. We have done our adoption research if the FET doesn't work, but still haven't decided on an agency (we met with 5 or so). Knowing that adoption is not an easy journey either makes me very wary, but I feel like I have to find a way to keep going until we have our family.

Again good to hear from you!

glueck · November 2012

I have no idea how your are standing, but you ARE, and that is huge. You owe us no apologies. You have to take care of yourself in anyway you know how. If you ever go to those super dark places, please know you are not alone. We are here to hold you up in any way we can.

Glad you poked your head in, and I hope you keep doing so.

Big hugs. You are so brave.

illinigal · November 2012

Hugs dear. I'm sorry you have been so down, but sending T&Ps and good vibes your way. Believe me, I understand what you are going through. Unfortunately, I know a lot of us do.

Roxie5739 · November 2012

Rachel I am so so happy to see you post again. I was hoping that this day would come, I have thought about you often.

You have dealt with so much in the past 12 months, far too much sadness that anyone should bear. I cannot imagine the pain you have, and are enduring, and you are so incredibly brave. I am glad that you feel that you can post again. We are all here for you, and seeing you back puts the IFV gals back together again.

My news is a surprise BFP after I was working through dealing with a CF life. Definitely a surprise for DH and myself and sadly I cannot get excited about this until I can get through the testing as we are concerned that past issues will repeat themselves. NT scan is next Monday.

Big HUGS to you and your DH.

Aegis2005 · November 2012

Happy to "see" you. I can't even begin to imagine how hard the last few months have been for both you and your husband. Know we've all been thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Jlynn3 · November 2012

So good to see you! I think of you often.

We are always here for you and I hope that happier days are in your future.

Huge (((hugs)))

Gregermis · November 2012

No apology necessary!! HUGE HUGS!!!! You have been through so much and my heart just aches for you lady. We missed you and are here for you.

Mitzi Bishi · November 2012

Rachel, I admire your strength, hopefulness, and general honesty.

It's great to hear an update from you again.

I'm going to try to get back to posting more and do my part to make this a more active community again, too. We all desperately need support and this is one of the few places I know where people are compassionate and understanding towards one another even during the darkest moments.

Wishing you a lot of sunshine and a much happier 2013.

reb259 · November 2012

Huge hugs! I have been thinking of you! Let me know if you want to join the FB group.

rockpaperlove · November 2012

Dearest Rachel,

You are apart of us. Just as we are apart of you. We are in this together and we understand your need for time to sort through the darker hours. You have been in my thoughts and I am so happy to see you metaphorically stick your head in! You have been such a pillar of strength and a ray of sunshine for so many of us - I thank you for that and please know you have my continued support. Anything you need - we are here for you!!

naybird · November 2012

It's good to see you. You are in no way selfish. You need to take care of yourself and your DH, in whatever way works for you.

Just wanted to send you a big hug!

lynn0926 · November 2012

I have tears in my eyes reading this! My heart goes out to you and your H. You continue to be in my T&Ps.

Mrkyrain · November 2012

Glad you poked your head in because we all love hearing from you but please take the time you need. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

eponine7682 · November 2012

*ticker warning*

Hi hun, I am happy to see you here and I cannot imagine the pain you and your husband have endured this past year. You are one strong lady and many many people have thoughts like that at times, but the point is that you are still here and going strong. I can't tell you how sorry I was to hear about your losses and what happened with your daughter. So many hugs, thoughts and prayers for happier days your way hun.

mdluv21 · November 2012

Sending love.

blueberries8 · November 2012

Hi Rachel!

It is so great to hear from you. And I TOTALLY understand the need for a hiatus from the board. When you are in the depths of your own sorrow, sometimes you just need to turn inwards for a while to manage. You've been in my thoughts often - I know the past year has been unimaginably cruel to you and your DH. I am wishing you so much luck and sending tons of good vibes your way as you guys move forward with treatment.

Edwina.McDunnough · November 2012

Welcome back. Sometimes we all need to be really selfish and unapologetically so. Wishing you never have had to experience these things and hoping you are taking care of yourself still even though you sound a lot better emotionally. We are really truly are here for you and I hope you can believe me when I say you are not alone through all this.

Mrs.McIrish · November 2012

I'm so happy to "see" you. We were all very worried about you. I hope brighter days are ahead and that you are finding your way back to us. It is all so unfair.

joules12 · November 2012

As others have said, no apologies needed! It's so great to hear from you, Rachel! You've been in our thoughts and we've missed you very much -- it's wonderful to get an update. Continuing to send you an abundance of HUGE hugs and many kind thoughts!

Sophistikitty · November 2012

Your story broke my heart when I read it in September. You have made it though what very few could ever fathom. Your strength is something to which we all aspire but hope we are never tested with.

I?m praying that your FET is successful and brings you and your husband the happiness you so deserve. (((Hugs)))

luvboston · November 2012

Hi Rachel,

There is never a reason to apologize unless you hurt someone. I am heartbroken by your story and hope this year brings you better luck and some happiness.

PrettyAccountant · November 2012

Thank you ladies. You all always make me feel right at home and even take away some of the troubles of my world.
You are all so special and beautiful strong women.
Thank you again
Rachel

rockpaperlove · November 2012

PrettyAccountant:
Thank you ladies. You all always make me feel right at home and even take away some of the troubles of my world. You are all so special and beautiful strong women. Thank you again Rachel

Lots of love for you lady!! Big squishy hugs!!

lsgabriel · November 2012

Glad to see you post. I know it's been a tough year, to say the least. I wish you luck in the next cycle, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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