Would this upset you? (clicky)

StefB28 · November 2012

Scenario: It's your son's first birthday party, being held at your parents house, hosting 25 family members. It starts at 5pm and around 6:20pm, your husband tells you that he needs to leave in a little while to "get some work done." This is the first you've heard of it and there have been other opportunities over the weekend that he could have used to prepare for his job-- He has an executive type position and Mondays are usually hectic for him. He rushes you through dinner and pictures to get to the cake, then leaves you to take care of your two kids, host the party, open the presents, clean everything up, then drive home (35 minutes away). You arrive home at 10pm with both kids to find him asleep.

[Poll]

gina2433 · November 2012

I think I'd get over the leaving for work. Seems like you understand the type of job he has but being asleep when you get home?! That would send me over the edge. Wait, no I don't think I'd be ok with him leaving the party either. Who does that?! I'd have to have a serious talk. I'm sorry, I'm mad for you!

StefB28 · November 2012

Estwd2:
Totally depends on what type of work. DH can get calls at any time and he'd have to go in or at least get to his work iPad to do something. And it's not something that can wait. He's got a pretty important job in law enforcement and I'm proud of the work he does. In that case, I'd understand. If its something like, I'd like to go send some emails and run some numbers before I get to bed early, then yes I'd be pissed.

That's exactly what it was like-- DH is a fundraiser. There were no fundraising emergencies last night. DH has a high level position with lots of responsibility and I'm used to him working at night and on the weekends, but he had plenty of time to do it Sat night after the kids went to bed or even yesterday afternoon-- I took the kids to my parents' house to get ready for the party. He walked around Best Buy for two hours. Then to come home and find him asleep? That just shows me that he didn't have that much to do.

I woke him up when I got home to help me get the kids in the house-- I said, "Did you really need to work tonight or was there something else going on?" He said that he really needed to work. I didn't push the issue. Guess I know what we'll be discussing in couples counseling this week-- I couldn't even get into with him last night. I knew there was no way I could talk about it without getting mad.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

authorofdreamz · November 2012

Unless he was a doctor or something and it was a huge emergency I'd be pissed. Mostly, because it was stuff that could be done at other times and he had other opportunities and choose not to and also it seems like it wasn't a last minute thing he just decided to tell you last minute.

Kaeldrasmommy · November 2012

I'd be pissed. I was mildly annoyed that DH didn't watch LO open all her presents until I realised that he had a headache and went to sit down.

Natty13umppo · November 2012

I could cope with DH leaving in the middle of a party if he had warned me it might be a possibility ahead of time. But it would upset me how it was done by your DH, yes. I would have been less upset if he had said before the party "Hey, I might need to leave early..." But to say an hour into the party??

Was this the only party for your S? Like was there another one with DH's family or just friends that DH was already at? Maybe he felt one was enough?

Does your H have issues with your family? Maybe he was just not that into being there b/c of certain people there? (Not that he shouldn't have sucked it up for a 1st birthday...) Or maybe since it was your family (if I'm reading it right) he thought you had enough help/support around? I don't know.... Regardless, it seems pretty jerky.

Vieve831 · November 2012

With the situation you described I would definitely be upset.

I was mildly upset with my DH for not being as "into" the party as I was. We didn't even really have a party - just a few family members over for cake but he acted like he'd rather be watching TV

StefB28 · November 2012

Natty13umppo:
I could cope with DH leaving in the middle of a party if he had warned me it might be a possibility ahead of time. But it would upset me how it was done by your DH, yes. I would have been less upset if he had said before the party "Hey, I might need to leave early..." But to say an hour into the party??
Was this the only party for your S? Like was there another one with DH's family or just friends that DH was already at? Maybe he felt one was enough?
Does your H have issues with your family? Maybe he was just not that into being there b/c of certain people there? (Not that he shouldn't have sucked it up for a 1st birthday...) Or maybe since it was your family (if I'm reading it right) he thought you had enough help/support around? I don't know.... Regardless, it seems pretty jerky.

This was the only party-- it was my family, b/c DH's family lives about 2,000 miles away. We didn't invite friends because our family is so large, that was enough people.

DH doesn't have issues with my family, but we have plenty of issues with each other. (We're in marriage counseling.) I definitely think that DH didn't offer to help with anything b/c he thought I had it covered & I'm fine with that. I didn't expect him to help, but I did expect him to be there. I'm mad that we were hosting a party for our son and he didn't feel like it was important enough to stay. It was embarrassing to me that he left. We weren't fighting yesterday, so he didn't leave to avoid me... I think that I'm most bothered that he simply doesn't understand why this is a big deal.

Some additional background-- DH and I got into a fight on Christmas Eve last year. He took off and said that he wasn't coming for Christmas, which we'd planned to spend at my parents' house. I waited for him to come home for hours, then finally packed up the boys and left. He never showed up, refused to talk, etc and missed Christmas with his children. (It was DS2's 1st Christmas.)

The only problem DH has with my family, is that he's mildly aware that they know all of the sh*tty things he does. Half the time he's oblivious to that, though. The environment was pleasant & lighthearted before he left yesterday.

Natty13umppo · November 2012

StefB28:
Natty13umppo:
I could cope with DH leaving in the middle of a party if he had warned me it might be a possibility ahead of time. But it would upset me how it was done by your DH, yes. I would have been less upset if he had said before the party "Hey, I might need to leave early..." But to say an hour into the party??
Was this the only party for your S? Like was there another one with DH's family or just friends that DH was already at? Maybe he felt one was enough?
Does your H have issues with your family? Maybe he was just not that into being there b/c of certain people there? (Not that he shouldn't have sucked it up for a 1st birthday...) Or maybe since it was your family (if I'm reading it right) he thought you had enough help/support around? I don't know.... Regardless, it seems pretty jerky.

This was the only party-- it was my family, b/c DH's family lives about 2,000 miles away. We didn't invite friends because our family is so large, that was enough people.
DH doesn't have issues with my family, but we have plenty of issues with each other. (We're in marriage counseling.) I definitely think that DH didn't offer to help with anything b/c he thought I had it covered & I'm fine with that. I didn't expect him to help, but I did expect him to be there. I'm mad that we were hosting a party for our son and he didn't feel like it was important enough to stay. It was embarrassing to me that he left. We weren't fighting yesterday, so he didn't leave to avoid me... I think that I'm most bothered that he simply doesn't understand why this is a big deal.
Some additional background-- DH and I got into a fight on Christmas Eve last year. He took off and said that he wasn't coming for Christmas, which we'd planned to spend at my parents' house. I waited for him to come home for hours, then finally packed up the boys and left. He never showed up, refused to talk, etc and missed Christmas with his children. (It was DS2's 1st Christmas.)
The only problem DH has with my family, is that he's mildly aware that they know all of the sh*tty things he does. Half the time he's oblivious to that, though. The environment was pleasant & lighthearted before he left yesterday.

Well......in my not-at-all professional opinion, this is better than him using his presence (or lack there of) as a power trip. If he simply does it but doesn't understand why it bothers you, hopefully the counseling you guys are in will help him understand why it IS a big deal. If it's not a big deal to him, he should realize that is a big deal to your kids. That these events aren't about him/for him, but they are for your boys. Because seriously.....missing Christmas? And birthdays??

I'm glad you are in counseling. Hopefully you guys can figure out why he's skipping these important family events. {{{ hugs! }}}

StefB28 · November 2012

Natty13umppo:
Well......in my not-at-all professional opinion, this is better than him using his presence (or lack there of) as a power trip. If he simply does it but doesn't understand why it bothers you, hopefully the counseling you guys are in will help him understand why it IS a big deal. If it's not a big deal to him, he should realize that is a big deal to your kids. That these events aren't about him/for him, but they are for your boys. Because seriously.....missing Christmas? And birthdays??
I'm glad you are in counseling. Hopefully you guys can figure out why he's skipping these important family events. {{{ hugs! }}}

Yes, exactly.

Thanks-- I'm glad we're finally going. I've been trying to get DH to go (back) to counseling for almost 3 years...I just hope that it's not too late.

DH had a REALLY rough childhood and didn't have any good examples of a healthy family life, so I try to cut him some slack when I can, but I have to think of my boys and stand up for what they deserve.

jb2rn · November 2012

I am glad you are in counseling, as his behavior is concerning. I am sorry he left your son's birthday party, he obviously has some issues from his childhood to work out still.

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