When to have mom come out?

bananers · November 2012

This isn't really working related, but I figured most of you have already had your babies and gone back to work, so you might have some wisdom...

My mom has made a few casual mentions about wanting to be in the delivery room, and how she's planning on flying out a couple weeks before my due date to help me around the house, etc.

I haven't really responded to any of these comments because a big part of me just wants it to be DH and I in the room, and since DH will be taking two weeks off after the baby comes, I kind of want a chance for us to bond as a family unit. While I would love my mom's help beforehand, and probably would appreciate the help after the baby comes, I kind of worry it's going to feel crowded in our house with all of us pretty much housebound in those first couple weeks. I feel like it would be more helpful to have her come out after DH goes back to work.

What did you do as far as grandparent help, particularly for those with OOT parents who would be staying with you for an extended period of time? Do you think it would hurt her feelings if I tell her she can't meet her grandchild until he/she is two weeks old? This is her first grandchild and she is excited beyond words.

Just curious how others have handled situations like this and whether it was helpful to have your mom there or if you cherished that time with just you, DH and the baby.

mylittlesunshine · November 2012

I thought I wanted help after DD1 was born, but found it to be far more stressful because grandparents seemed to almost get in the way...at least in my case.

With DD2 we had a two week rule. I think it worked so much better since it not only allowed us to bond, but for me to get a handle with having a new baby again without having to deal with parents/in laws "helping".

In the end you have to do what you feel is best for you and your family. You need to be upfront with you family what your expectations are and set boundaries now to avoid problems later on.

Amaryllis619 · November 2012

My mom is coming out a few weeks before my due date to help me around the house, and with DD1. We live far away from any family, and I wanted to have someone around DD1 can be with while I'm in the hospital. Plus, I might need some help afterwards too. DH is super busy at work this time of year, so it'll be nice to have her here. Plus she's super excited to get to spend some quality time with both girls, and me and DH.

ridesbuttons · November 2012

There is a lot in this post.

I think if your mom is that excited and she has expressed a desire to come and help before babe is born and be in the delivery room and also help after, that yes, her feelings will be incredibly hurt.

Before I had kids, I was not terribly close to my mom. We had a good, civil relationship, but even though we live in the same town, I'd only call her if I had a reason, never just to chat.

She has been an enormous source of support since the kids have arrived. There is something very primal about the relationship between a child and a mother. You can be at your absolute worst with your mom and know that all will be forgiven, if not forgotten. Your mom can see you cry, unshowered for days, living in a bathrobe and never judge; you never need to worry about keeping up appearances with your mom after you've had a baby.

If you have a good relationship with your mom, I suggest taking her up on her offer. Talk to her about your concerns. She might surprise you with how understanding she can be. Remember: she has been there, done that. If she is coming to truly help, I think you will always cherish that time you spend together as a family unit.

Of course, it is all very personal. I will tell you though that my relationship with my mom has changed so much in the time since the kids were born. I understand her so much more. I appreciate her so much more. I look back now at what she did when I was a kid and am kind of in awe.

Best of luck with your decision.

honeybee111 · November 2012

This depends on you and the grandparents. I only wanted DH in the delivery room with me, but I wanted my mom when we came home. My parents booked a flight the minute I went into labor. I ended up with a c-section, so they didn't come until we were home 4 days later. I honestly don't know what I would have done without my parents. They took care of EVERYTHING so DH and I could just focus on DD. They stayed for a week. Then, DH's parents came for a week, and they were great also.

My ILs were ok with not seeing their first grandchild for a week. DH and I just told them my parents would be there first shift, and then they could come. I think he spun it as how it would be such a great help to me since he would be going back to work.

LoCarb · November 2012

Giving birth is very personal to me and I only wanted H in the room. Pushing took an hr I was extremely nauseous afterwards. My mom visited when DD was 2 wks and stayed for 2 wks. She was her usual overbearing self and was little help. More of a hindrance bc she broke several things including the washing machine virus on a computer.
I learned my lesson with 2 and asked her to visit after I recovered and bonded with baby. I approached the topic as visiting as a gma and not as help.
Point be honest with your feelings. You know best of your relationships and what will work for your family.

financialdiva · November 2012

DH was home for about a week after the hospital stay. My mom came by to stay with us later in the second week. I really liked this because by that time the laundry was piling up, floors needed to be swept, and then pantry was pretty empty. My mom is definitely a helper and was never a burden when she was visiting. *I* held my baby and cuddled him while *she* did my laundry and made dinner for us. Of course she got plenty of snuggles with DS too, but she was a big help! It really was great and I hope she is willing to take a few days off work this time so she can come do this again, lol.

I would definitely have her wait a week or so. While my mom is local (about an hour away) she did want to come stay with us the first few days when we got home. I explained to her that it might be a better use of her vacation time and more helpful to come out after DH went back to work so I wasn't still alone. When I put it to her like that, she agreed and thought it was also a great idea. If she still really wants to come out asap, then think of it as an extra set of hands to help. It really isn't that bad. You'll still be bonding as a family just the same.

ETA: My mom came by the hospital when I was in labor, but excused herself before we even had to ask her to leave when it came time to push. Like PP's have mentioned, only you know your relationship. You may have to set boundries before hand, and that's okay, just make sure you TELL her what you want and not expect her to just know. GL!

dor79 · November 2012

I had a scheduled c-section and my mom took the first week off to be at home with me. She stayed with me at the hopsital during the day (for two days) and then spent the days at home with me the following two days.

It worked out well for me, since my husband actually worked that first week. The day of delivery was his typical day off and he spent the evenings with me at the hospital and would relieve my mom at home.

After that he was off for two whole weeks with us.

EastCoastBride · November 2012

My opinion -

she doesn't need to be here for a few weeks before the baby comes. Really- she doesn't. AND if you don't want her in the delivery room, then tell her. This is something that makes me ragey. YOU are about to give birth. YOU have 100% say in who is in that room, and if you don't want anyone else other than your DH, then that is YOUR choice. She can be as butt hurt as she wants, but that's unfair to you. This is about the most vulnerable a woman can be, and you have every right to say "sorry mom, but only DH will be in the room".

Past that - as to the issue of her coming for the birth and to be there the first couple weeks.... I'm working of my own memory of the first 2 weeks after birth. I think the concept of "bonding" that early is a bit overrated. I was so exhausted and seriously couldn't see straight most of the time. I was forgetting to eat. Those 2 weeks were just HARD. Very, very, HARD. Not to mention the physical recovery.

We were in full on survival mode. There was no "bonding" going on. We were just trying to figure out how to keep this little 8 lb baby happy and alive! The bonding, and figuring out our new lives, our new schedules - that came later.

A couple thoughts/questions - how far does she live? Is it at all feasible for her to come for a couple days when the baby is born and then leave and come back after DH goes to work?

Does she HAVE to stay w/ you? Is there other family nearby she could stay w/ or could she afford to stay in a hotel? Just so that you can get SOME space?

You know your mom - would she actually be a HELP or would she get in the way? If she actually would be helpful, I'd say suck it up and have her come.

If you don't feel she would be helpful, though, then more reason to say "no - not for 2 weeks".

I would TRY to work w/ her but in the end, you have to put yourself, your DH, and your new baby first.

bananers · November 2012

Thanks for the replies, everyone! Super helpful, and lots to think about.

We do have a very close relationship and I do think she would actually be helpful with cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. She is very 'motherly' like that and loves to help. That said, she also likes to be very involved and give out 'advice' which I can see being irritating when I'm cranky and sleep deprived and would rather figure things out on our own. As for her staying in a hotel during that time, it would be an odd request since we have a big house and they always stay with us and vice versa.

I am pretty sure I will put my foot down on her being in the room, and will position it to her that I could really use more help after DH goes back to work. They are in TX and we are in WA, so multiple trips out would be unlikely, but maybe I'll tell her she's welcome to fly out when the baby's born, but that we don't want any houseguests until DH goes back to work. I'll give her the choice to either fly back in between or wait to come out altogether.

Thanks again for the replies!

EastCoastBride · November 2012

bananers:
I am pretty sure I will put my foot down on her being in the room, and will position it to her that I could really use more help after DH goes back to work. They are in TX and we are in WA, so multiple trips out would be unlikely, but maybe I'll tell her she's welcome to fly out when the baby's born, but that we don't want any houseguests until DH goes back to work. I'll give her the choice to either fly back in between or wait to come out altogether.

I think this is perfect. It tells her what you're capable of but still gives her a choice.

GOod luck. Hopefully in the end she'll respect your decision.

financialdiva · November 2012

bananers:
That said, she also likes to be very involved and give out 'advice' which I can see being irritating when I'm cranky and sleep deprived and would rather figure things out on our own.

I know exactly where you are coming from bc I was worried about this as well, however, after a week of trying to figure it out on my own, I welcomed any and all advice my mom gave me in order to make DS happy, lol. I am not trying to squash your feelings or anything, but I do remember worrying about it before hand, and welcoming advice while going through it.GL! Hope it all works out for you!!

sadie+w · November 2012

I think it really depends on your family situation and dynamics. For me, it was important to have the time with LO, DH, and me to bond as a family. We didn't want anyone else there for the delivery, or staying with us right away. But I've had friends that have welcomed their moms staying with them to help out.

jnealet · November 2012

financialdiva:
bananers:
That said, she also likes to be very involved and give out 'advice' which I can see being irritating when I'm cranky and sleep deprived and would rather figure things out on our own.
I know exactly where you are coming from bc I was worried about this as well, however, after a week of trying to figure it out on my own, I welcomed any and all advice my mom gave me in order to make DS happy, lol. I am not trying to squash your feelings or anything, but I do remember worrying about it before hand, and welcoming advice while going through it.GL! Hope it all works out for you!!

I'm one who likes to figure things out myself too but once I was home with that baby, I kept hoping that someone would tell me what to do.

For us - with D1, my mom stayed with us two nights and my sister stayed one. My MIL came out about 2 weeks after D1 was born. By the time MIL came, I was feeling much more on my game and it was more like a visit than her helping. But it was a nice visit!

With D2, MIL wanted to be there for the birth, so she was. We dropped D1 off at dc and MIL came to the hospital. My parents were there too. MIL stayed 2 weeks after the baby was born and that was tough but then again, the entire transition to 2 children was extremely hard for me and DH. It wasn't MILs fault that it was tough.

I was happy there was someone else in the house when we brought both girls home, but that's just me.

ksyknelvr73 · November 2012

I think it all depends on how helpful you think your mom will be. For me, my mom came out one week after DS was born and I am telling you, she was a LIFE SAVER. She was also at the hospital the entire time with us. She was not in the room for delivery (I wanted it to just be myself and DH), but she was at the hospital and stayed there as long as visiting hours allowed. She was seriously my favorite person that whole time, SO helpful, SO accomodating, she cleaned my house, let me take naps, fixed dinner, etc. It was the best time. If you can get a situation like that, I say take it.

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