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Twin Envy?

SkyBeeSkyBee member
in Multiples

DH has a very large family. (7 kids) and there are five of us that are married. I have gotten along fairly well with all but one of my SILs over the past few years. When we announced we were expecting twins, there was an obvious difference in my relationship with some of the women in DH's family, although the men are the same. Yesterday we went to dinner there and it is getting to the point where my SILs (aside from the 16 year old) are flat out pretending as if I am not around. After talking with DH about it and also him asking his mom about it, we are thinking I have an extreme case of twin envy on my hands. There are currently three of us pregnant right now and one was announced yesterday.

There has always been tension in these relationships because everyone is extremely competitive. (I have always hated this) We tend to not really care about competing and we stay out of the drama as much as we can, but I think the twins were the tipping point or something.

I am wondering if any one else has experience with this and also if it changes once LOs are here? I don't know what to do because family get togethers are becoming unbearable for me!

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Re: Twin Envy?

  • macchiattomacchiatto member
    I'm sorry they're being so ridiculous. :( I would try to talk to them and try to politely ask whether something is bothering them since you've noticed them getting quieter when you're around. Maybe there's something else you're not aware of, or maybe it would get things out in the open ... or maybe at least make them realize you're aware and not playing their game. I've experienced twin envy from some--sometimes the jealous/comparing statements about the aspects of twinhood they wish they had ("You're so lucky yours are the same age; mine are 2 years apart and it's sooo hard having them at different stages and on different schedules!" etc.). And from some, a sort of resentment of MoMs and defensiveness lest the MoMs in the group suggest they might have some unique challenges that other moms don't, that it's not their fault they only have one kid and they would love to have another, etc.
    fraternal twin boys born january 2009
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  • LadyNikonLadyNikon member
    I don't understand it because I have never wanted kids and not been able to have them.  But it can be a very touchy subject.  I refuse to apologize or anything for being able to have a child.  She may have had a miscarriage and never gotten over it.  So I would try to approach her maybe away from everyone and ask flat out is everything ok.  Maybe she will open up to you.  If not.. move on its not worth it IMHO.
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  • ShopperKristiShopperKristi member
    Send them to my house for a day and they'll be glad they aren't having twins!!  Sorry you are dealing with that - family can be so complicated!
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  • chickaboo1974chickaboo1974 member

    Eh my younger sister is a very jealous person- she has always made it a competition between her and I- I do not participate- heck we have two other sisters and a brother but oh well.

    I have IF- we tried quietly for 5 years to have a baby.  When I told my family that I was pregnant and it was twins, well I guess she flipped when I got off the phone.  She started crying and carrying on- about what she could do to top having twins, and how I get everything I want.  It is quite over the top.  I just ignore it- if she can't approach me then how would I know if she is having problems?  My mom talked to her about how and what I had to go thru to have my boys- she has calmed a little but there is still the undercurrent that I have everything.

    My advice is to ignore- it will go away and you are not engaging in their game.

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  • LadyNikonLadyNikon member
    imagechickaboo1974:

    Eh my younger sister is a very jealous person- she has always made it a competition between her and I- I do not participate- heck we have two other sisters and a brother but oh well.

    I have IF- we tried quietly for 5 years to have a baby.  When I told my family that I was pregnant and it was twins, well I guess she flipped when I got off the phone.  She started crying and carrying on- about what she could do to top having twins, and how I get everything I want.  It is quite over the top.  I just ignore it- if she can't approach me then how would I know if she is having problems?  My mom talked to her about how and what I had to go thru to have my boys- she has calmed a little but there is still the undercurrent that I have everything.

    My advice is to ignore- it will go away and you are not engaging in their game.

    good lord.  Really?? Makes me happy to be an only child.. I mean she calm downed " a little?" 

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  • xoexpatxoexpat member
    A very close friend of mine was TTC when I told her we were expecting twins...later on she even joked that she thought to herself "that *** stole my pregnancy..."  Yikes!  Glad she's expecting her own (singleton) now!
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  • MrsLntMrsLnt member

    It got worse for us. MH has one brother and everything is a comparison. Not to MH or me, but to MIL and BIL's wife. They all became oddly fascinated with our babies, not because they love them as people and family, but because it's a sideshow and they want in on the attention. Mind you they want none of the work, but they want all of the glory and attention of two cute babies in matching outfits. 

    We learned quickly who cared about us and the babies and who was not worth our time. Just focus on your growing family and doing what's best for them. They can be a part of your life or they can not, but it's their choice. You can't control people's behavior, you can only manage your reactions and expectations.  

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  • kelandspence2012kelandspence2012
    My nephew and his wife were having a hard time conceiving last year and when i tol them i was pregnant with twins she told me that she might have to quit talking to me when i started showing! When i was 3 months pregnant and bleeding from placenta previa we got into an argument and she pyshed me and tried to jump on me and told me that she hoped my babies died ..... then called the police and tried to say i put marks on her neck that really came from my nephew pulling her off of me! A coyple of months later she found out that she was pregnant! We didnt talk until after i had the babies! We r ok now but i can never forget what she said ro me! Ugh family drama sucks!
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  • huntertwinhuntertwin member
    Oh, the drama. Must be hard, sorry you have to put up with it. I don't have twin envy in my family, thank god, but we have all kinds of other drama that is just exhausting. I have noticed twin envy from so many of my friends that have babies that are around the same age as mine - they never congratulated us, never "like" pictures of them or comment or invite us over or anything. Basically, they disappeared as soon as the babies were born. I'm hoping they grow out of it as time goes by. I hope the same happens with your DH's family, although obviously it's 10x more complicated when it's a family thing. Maybe you'll have to distance yourselves for a while until things cool down..
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  • SkyBeeSkyBee member

    Thank you so much for the replies ladies. It is sad that people have to be so weird about twins, but it is comforting to know I am not alone! I think I will just lay low until they are born and see what happens after that...... It is too bad we live only 30 minutes from everyone!

    My family has been great and it has helped. I only have one sister and she is convinced she doesn't want kids at all so she and my parents are happy for us and helpful with everything.

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  • angelfire02angelfire02 member
    Oh yes.  My best friend struggled to have her baby but when I got pregnant she had a beautiful healthy 9  month old.  When I told her I was pregnant with twins her first words were "Well you do get everything you want."  I know it was just an instant response and she was upset that it happened so easily for us but it still stung.  I have one cousin who refuses to even acknowledge that my kids were born she is so jealous.  It happens and as time goes on you will learn to either deal with it or snap back with a zinger of your own.  But congrats on your babies, I'm happy for you! :)
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
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  • mars724mars724 member

    lol, my family is like this. I just blow it off. once they're born, they saw how ridiculously harder I was working than the other two with little ones, no one mentions me being "an over achiever" anymore (seriously that was said when I was pregnant, lol)

     also, I'm too busy to worry about their drama. =)

    Married 07/2011 <3
    ID Twin girls 04/2012 <3<3
    Baby #3 Due Jan. 2017  <3


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  • hesakeeperhesakeeper

    jeez. this is why i'm not looking forward to all the ladies in my family being pregnant around the same time. 

    i hope things get better for you and they suck it up! 

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