If you're asking it probably means he should be helping more.
My DH does a lion's share of work because of my job. It started from day one. He knew when he married me it was part of the package. Never did we expect to have two at once.
It's expected that we both do it. Even at age 2 it's still very much a division of labor.
A LOT! There's no way I could do it alone. I know some women on here are able to... maybe Im from a weaker breed.. But Im the first to admit I cannot handle it alone.
The only things I really handle indpendently are bath time and bed time routines. Other than that it's all hands on deck. DH now works from home so he can help me during the day.
A lot. We split the night shift evenly until the boys STTN. I would go to bed really early--between 7 and 8--so they we could each get a decent 5-6 hr chunk of uninterrupted sleep. That made a huge difference b/c our boys did not sleep well at all the first 4m so the "on-duty" parent got little to no sleep during their shift.
Then after that for a year or so he would get the boys up at 7, change diapers, and feed them, and then I'd take over around 8-8:30 when he left for work. I'm not a morning person so it was wonderful to have time to wake up, shower and have coffee before taking over with the boys. It's been about 2 years since he did that. I do 95% of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc., but he still does quite a bit with the boys when he's home. When he gets home, unless he's running late he takes over with the boys while I make dinner, and we share duties (with him doing most of the childcare and me doing most of the cooking/cleanup) until they're in bed for the night. I think since he's been so involved since the beginning, they've always had a very strong bond with him.
A ton. He gets up with them at night and is alone with then until 12:30 everyday (I work during the day and he does 1-8 shift ). He make bottles, changes diapers, helps with laundry and baths.
E&R Mommy I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't mind caring for my girls in the slightest and I hate to be a complainer but this is getting rediculous! For example, tonight as I was desperately trying to get some work done for my job and one of our girls would not stay asleep. I had already rocked her back to sleep once and she was crying again. My husband tells me that he was going to bed because he "has to get up at 5 a.m. to go deer hunting". He also told me earlier in the day that he gets no time to himself and had the nerve to tell me that he watched the girls all day so I could go shopping...that was over a month ago and the only time I've left them.
Although, he did make me supper and does most nights. He also does dishes on occasion and helps me care for my horses. I feel like I should just buck up and not expect so much.
I don't know if it makes a difference or not but we both have full time jobs. I am VERY fortunate and can work as many or as few hours as I can (I work for my parent's company). They need me to work but since the only time I get any break is when my mom helps out I'm not getting much more than a few hours a week in.
I am doing everything with the girls now. He holds them if they are crying and I'm busy with the other one (and I ask him to) but most nights I try to hold both/feed both/bathe both, etc. while he watchs TV.
There is no TV watching here. Our babies are 3 months old, so for 3 months, he has done almost all the laundry including cloth diapers every day, almost all the cleaning, nearly all things concerning our three dogs. We used to do grocery shopping together, but now he does that on his own, and last week he added baby bath time to his list.
As far as babyspecific stuff, I breastfeed, so he doesn't feed them, but he changes almost every diaper when he's home and he's the expert burper. I NEVER leave my bed at night. I sleep with the babies and my husband is the one who gets up if they cry, need a diaper, need to burp.
He does all of that and I'm a SAHM. I dump food in the crock pot in the morning so we have a hot dinner together and I make an effort to keep the floors vacuumed because we have hairy dogs, but we agree that with two small kids, the name of the game is survival and my only job right now is to keep both of them alive.
I'm shocked your husband went out hunting. I vetoed all extracurricular activities for the first year. No softball team, no bowling league, and definitely no daylong hunts. He's using vacation days right now to help me get the kids into a sleep schedule. He made it to Wednesday before breaking down and saying how exhausted he was dealing with two kids all day, and that's with me here helping! It sounds like you need to leave the house ALONE more often.
What?! How does he think that's fair? Did you guys talk before the kids were born about what your expectations were? I think you guys need to sit down and talk through what all the responsibilities are that the two of you jointly are responsible for--childcare, household stuff, etc.--and divide them up. Also, am I understanding correctly that you're trying to work full-time with no childcare help? Can you get a baby-sitter so you can get more hours in? That would also give you more of a break at least in the sense of a change of pace.
E&R Mommy I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't mind caring for my girls in the slightest and I hate to be a complainer but this is getting rediculous! For example, tonight as I was desperately trying to get some work done for my job and one of our girls would not stay asleep. I had already rocked her back to sleep once and she was crying again. My husband tells me that he was going to bed because he "has to get up at 5 a.m. to go deer hunting". He also told me earlier in the day that he gets no time to himself and had the nerve to tell me that he watched the girls all day so I could go shopping...that was over a month ago and the only time I've left them.
Although, he did make me supper and does most nights. He also does dishes on occasion and helps me care for my horses. I feel like I should just buck up and not expect so much.
I don't know if it makes a difference or not but we both have full time jobs. I am VERY fortunate and can work as many or as few hours as I can (I work for my parent's company). They need me to work but since the only time I get any break is when my mom helps out I'm not getting much more than a few hours a week in.
I am doing everything with the girls now. He holds them if they are crying and I'm busy with the other one (and I ask him to) but most nights I try to hold both/feed both/bathe both, etc. while he watchs TV.
No and no.
Better to sit down ASAP and discuss the division of labor. Division is not 97/3.
Being a working mother is hard enough; twins are even harder.
Do not feel alone. This actually comes up quite often on this board. Many men think this is acceptable behavior; with twins you just cannot survive the first two years in this fashion especially when you're both working.
Set some ground rules/expectations or else you will resent both him and the babies.
We both got up for all MOTN feeds until they slept through the night. Now I get up with anyone who wakes in the night or early in the morning. If he is off from work he takes over around 630. If he is working then it is just me from the time they wake until he gets home. Most nights he doesn't get home until 830pm or later because he is going to law school at night while working full time. He helps finish up bedtime during the week and helps on weekends if caught up on school stuff.
Because he is working and going to school I do all housework, grocery shop/errands while my family watches for a few hrs, make dinner most nights and balance the checkbook/pay bills. If he is off school for summer and winter breaks I still do most everything but he will make dinner sometimes as he works late to make up hours from the school term. If housework or whatever doesn't get done he doesn't make any comments, which is nice. He will bring up the last load of laundry if I ask when he takes the dog out.
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DH does a ton of the work. I SAH so he really tries to give me breaks on weekends. He currently has the boys all weekend (granted, they're 16 months old) so I could deal with a family emergency.
I would say that while he's home we're about 60/40 on the work - while he's at work I'm obviously at 100%.
Saving money while raising more kids than you bargained for!
He just sits and watches TV? Um, no. That's not okay. Have you asked him to help out more? Does he just think you're okay with the current situation?
My situation is a bit different in that we also have an older child. When the babies were tiny, DH completely took over care for DS (when he was home). He also assumed extra household responsibilities. Now, I'm back to doing most of that stuff because I sah and DH works long hours and then also has animals to care for in the evening (we live on a farm). When he is with the kids and I, he is helping out. We both pitch in so that after the kids are in bed we can both relax.
I think everyone's sharing of duties is going to be different because of many different variables. The important thing is that you and your husband figure out a system that works for both of you.
Thanks so much for the replies! Its so nice to hear what other families do. I've tried to really give my husband time for his hobbies. We moved to TX almost 2 years ago and haven't met a lot of people. I feel bad that he moved here for me but would rather be back in Nebraska (where we moved from). I really don't mind caring for our girls and I think I'm handling everything quite well but sometimes I'd just like to take a bath! We did discuss this before we even got pregnant. We discussed child care also. My parents live very close but he always said that they are his kids too and he could handle it....Yeah right! He now blames breast feeding on the reason that he cannot soothe them or get them to sleep. If he holds them he usually props them so they can watch the TV. I'm really not fond of almost 3 month old babies zoned out on the TV! I didn't intend for this to become a rant post but I guess I needed to get it out! Thanks everyone for listening and giving your input! Its really helped me!
Well, my DH works from home and is a SAHD while I work outside the home. This house would not function without him. He cooks, vacuums, does dishes, helps some with laundry and keeps on top of the icky cleaning chores like bathrooms and taking out trash. I feel blessed to have a husband who is so involved with the babies and who helps as much as he can around the house. Since I work outside the home and have to be up and out for work by 5am he gets up with the babies when they cry or need something at night. He's pretty awesomesauce.
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I do about 98% of the childcare in our house. I SAH while DH is doing his internship this year. I've been in charge of childcare and the household chores since he started medical school back in 2008. That was our agreement. We never expected to have twins, so we when tried for our 3rd (and final) child we were incredibly surprised. Its been rough, but with his constantly changing schedule, he helps out when he is home. For the last two months he's been doing about 80 hrs a week, so he barely sees them. Next week he's going to be on 7am-3pm schedule (hooray for the new roation!!!!), so he'll be doing more with the LOs.
I will say that when the boys were first born, he took care of our girls and the house, plus helped me with the boys whenever I needed it. And recently he did watch all 4 LOs so I could go out with my girl friends. So he knows how hard it is for me to handle this and does what he can to help.
I agree with the PPs - you need to discuss your set-up with your husband and create an arrangement that works for both of you.
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Re: Husband's help
If you're asking it probably means he should be helping more.
My DH does a lion's share of work because of my job. It started from day one. He knew when he married me it was part of the package. Never did we expect to have two at once.
It's expected that we both do it. Even at age 2 it's still very much a division of labor.
A LOT! There's no way I could do it alone. I know some women on here are able to... maybe Im from a weaker breed.. But Im the first to admit I cannot handle it alone.
The only things I really handle indpendently are bath time and bed time routines. Other than that it's all hands on deck. DH now works from home so he can help me during the day.
A lot. We split the night shift evenly until the boys STTN. I would go to bed really early--between 7 and 8--so they we could each get a decent 5-6 hr chunk of uninterrupted sleep. That made a huge difference b/c our boys did not sleep well at all the first 4m so the "on-duty" parent got little to no sleep during their shift.
Then after that for a year or so he would get the boys up at 7, change diapers, and feed them, and then I'd take over around 8-8:30 when he left for work. I'm not a morning person so it was wonderful to have time to wake up, shower and have coffee before taking over with the boys. It's been about 2 years since he did that. I do 95% of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc., but he still does quite a bit with the boys when he's home. When he gets home, unless he's running late he takes over with the boys while I make dinner, and we share duties (with him doing most of the childcare and me doing most of the cooking/cleanup) until they're in bed for the night. I think since he's been so involved since the beginning, they've always had a very strong bond with him.
E&R Mommy I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't mind caring for my girls in the slightest and I hate to be a complainer but this is getting rediculous! For example, tonight as I was desperately trying to get some work done for my job and one of our girls would not stay asleep. I had already rocked her back to sleep once and she was crying again. My husband tells me that he was going to bed because he "has to get up at 5 a.m. to go deer hunting". He also told me earlier in the day that he gets no time to himself and had the nerve to tell me that he watched the girls all day so I could go shopping...that was over a month ago and the only time I've left them.
Although, he did make me supper and does most nights. He also does dishes on occasion and helps me care for my horses. I feel like I should just buck up and not expect so much.
I don't know if it makes a difference or not but we both have full time jobs. I am VERY fortunate and can work as many or as few hours as I can (I work for my parent's company). They need me to work but since the only time I get any break is when my mom helps out I'm not getting much more than a few hours a week in.
I am doing everything with the girls now. He holds them if they are crying and I'm busy with the other one (and I ask him to) but most nights I try to hold both/feed both/bathe both, etc. while he watchs TV.
As far as babyspecific stuff, I breastfeed, so he doesn't feed them, but he changes almost every diaper when he's home and he's the expert burper. I NEVER leave my bed at night. I sleep with the babies and my husband is the one who gets up if they cry, need a diaper, need to burp.
He does all of that and I'm a SAHM. I dump food in the crock pot in the morning so we have a hot dinner together and I make an effort to keep the floors vacuumed because we have hairy dogs, but we agree that with two small kids, the name of the game is survival and my only job right now is to keep both of them alive.
I'm shocked your husband went out hunting. I vetoed all extracurricular activities for the first year. No softball team, no bowling league, and definitely no daylong hunts. He's using vacation days right now to help me get the kids into a sleep schedule. He made it to Wednesday before breaking down and saying how exhausted he was dealing with two kids all day, and that's with me here helping! It sounds like you need to leave the house ALONE more often.
No and no.
Better to sit down ASAP and discuss the division of labor. Division is not 97/3.
Being a working mother is hard enough; twins are even harder.
Do not feel alone. This actually comes up quite often on this board. Many men think this is acceptable behavior; with twins you just cannot survive the first two years in this fashion especially when you're both working.
Set some ground rules/expectations or else you will resent both him and the babies.
It does get easier - I promise.
We both got up for all MOTN feeds until they slept through the night. Now I get up with anyone who wakes in the night or early in the morning. If he is off from work he takes over around 630. If he is working then it is just me from the time they wake until he gets home. Most nights he doesn't get home until 830pm or later because he is going to law school at night while working full time. He helps finish up bedtime during the week and helps on weekends if caught up on school stuff.
Because he is working and going to school I do all housework, grocery shop/errands while my family watches for a few hrs, make dinner most nights and balance the checkbook/pay bills. If he is off school for summer and winter breaks I still do most everything but he will make dinner sometimes as he works late to make up hours from the school term. If housework or whatever doesn't get done he doesn't make any comments, which is nice. He will bring up the last load of laundry if I ask when he takes the dog out.
DH does a ton of the work. I SAH so he really tries to give me breaks on weekends. He currently has the boys all weekend (granted, they're 16 months old) so I could deal with a family emergency.
I would say that while he's home we're about 60/40 on the work - while he's at work I'm obviously at 100%.
He just sits and watches TV? Um, no. That's not okay. Have you asked him to help out more? Does he just think you're okay with the current situation?
My situation is a bit different in that we also have an older child. When the babies were tiny, DH completely took over care for DS (when he was home). He also assumed extra household responsibilities. Now, I'm back to doing most of that stuff because I sah and DH works long hours and then also has animals to care for in the evening (we live on a farm). When he is with the kids and I, he is helping out. We both pitch in so that after the kids are in bed we can both relax.
I think everyone's sharing of duties is going to be different because of many different variables. The important thing is that you and your husband figure out a system that works for both of you.
I do about 98% of the childcare in our house. I SAH while DH is doing his internship this year. I've been in charge of childcare and the household chores since he started medical school back in 2008. That was our agreement. We never expected to have twins, so we when tried for our 3rd (and final) child we were incredibly surprised. Its been rough, but with his constantly changing schedule, he helps out when he is home. For the last two months he's been doing about 80 hrs a week, so he barely sees them. Next week he's going to be on 7am-3pm schedule (hooray for the new roation!!!!), so he'll be doing more with the LOs.
I will say that when the boys were first born, he took care of our girls and the house, plus helped me with the boys whenever I needed it. And recently he did watch all 4 LOs so I could go out with my girl friends. So he knows how hard it is for me to handle this and does what he can to help.
I agree with the PPs - you need to discuss your set-up with your husband and create an arrangement that works for both of you.