Stress! Family visits after birth.

Hdbrown2010 · November 2012

So. I am having my first baby towards the end of Feb. I am still trying to decide how to handle having visitors/guests right after baby is born. Both mine and my husbands families live out of state. I will have 12 weeks maternity leave.

I would like to have my sister out here for about a week maybe a week after the baby arrives. I'm not sure how to handle having my mom and mother in law come out. I feel like my husband and I need to get a system down before we have house guests. I know they just want to help and be here but I'm reluctant to spent half of my maternity leave with house guests. Am I being selfish? Unreasonable? Advice please!!

101Mims · November 2012

By erring on the side of caution I would not consider you to be selfish or unreasonable. I would say you were being smart as being a FTM you have no idea how things are gonna go with your new baby.

Actually it?s fair to say, that as every birth and new baby is different, no one can predict how the mother and baby, and daddy! will settle in those first few weeks.

So by giving yourselves enough space to get organised, healed up and comfortable before your start playing hosts to family is just a no brainer for me.

You will minimise outside stresses that could possibly impact negatively on your new little family. This is especially important if you are planning on breast feeding as stress can reduce your milk supply.

You will feel so much better about having your family with you - esp if they are actually staying at your home and not at a hotel nearby - if you feel a bit more confident with your new role as parents and have some sort of routine established.

Tis worth keeping in mind too that adrenaline sees most of us thru for the first 2 weeks or so and it?s only after that, that the effects of sleep depravation really start to kick in. So if you have family members that really want to help, you cld suggest that they come stay with you closer to 4-5 weeks post partum when you will prolly be begging for the extra help!! Big Smile

Good luck!!

MrsJelly · November 2012

This is a great question!

I am due Feb 14 and also a FTM...we are delivering where my parents & family live but only plan on spending a few days there before heading home, to where my husbands parents live so there are really no issues there.

However, his BEST FRIEND who is literally like a brother to him is planning on taking 2 weeks holidays to come meet the baby. Which is awesome...I love the guy, but I am nervous about the whole new baby/new mom/dad and company mix! My SIL is also planning vacation to come meet the baby too...which stresses me out more, because well - she stresses me out!! She's been a real "negative-nelly" and I'm dreading all the "advice" she will give - ugh!

I'm feeling like it really depends on your relationship with the visitors and how long they should stay or when they should come. The thought of having hubby's BF stay here is fine and non-stressful...the thought of the SIL, well I sure hope she's planning on staying at her parents house! lol!

mom2b22013 · November 2012

When DS was born we lived 6 hours away from all of our family so I was thinking about the same thing before hand and how to handle visitors!!! We ended up letting both sets of parents come and visit while we were in the hospital and then my parents stayed for the week after (in a hotel!!!!) and then his parents came back toward the end of the second week for a long weekend. (Again in the hotel)

What I learned was to make sure people stay in a hotel! AND to make sure to tell people if you need your space. Don't be afraid to tell people no.

My mom was great when she visited. She would make dinner and do laundry and stuff to make our lives easier so we could bond with the baby. She obviously got her chance at cuddling but if you have visitors I think they should be there to help you and make things easier for you.

Good luck

Hdbrown2010 · November 2012

I really appreciate the advice and the input from everyone! It's a lot of pressure when people are asking when they can come out. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact I am going to give birth to a little being!

Rosebean · November 2012

This is why I love my in-laws. FIL and family will be coming in April. Which gives us room to breath. MIL will probably come right away but she always likes to stay with a friend of hers, which works because we do not have privacy or a spare bed in our house for a guest. I think the worst I will have to deal with is my mom thinks I will be living at her house for a couple weeks after LO is born, when my thoughts lay more along the lines of "can you take the dogs for the first couple a weeks? Thanks ma!"

I would honestly ask all these family members to wait for your call to invite them down. Just explain that you want to find your groove with LO as this is your first, and you just want some time to get through the first week or so to adjust. And ask them (in a more like, I am politely telling you- type manner) to wait for your call to head on down for their trips. I mean, they can't solidify a date to travel now anyways because who can ever predict if a baby will be early, on time or late.... So what does a week or two difference make. And at worst, if you feel overwhelmed and want them there sooner because you really could use the extra hands... Then who really cares if you call them a few days earlier than what you originally thought you needed?

We travelled at Christmas last year to meet out 10 day old nephew... But we stayed at a hotel and worked around mamas schedule.

JuliaBug · November 2012

It is totally up to you. I think it would even be reasonable for you to request that they get a hotel instead of having them at your house the whole time.

I found that my family was the most helpful to have visit immediately after the birth. The first 2 weeks were the most difficult and it was nice to have someone else cook, clean, and run errands. I wasn't able to get into a routine until after I had recovered from the delivery.

holly321 · November 2012

I agree with PP, that it depends on the relationships. After my csection with DD, I needed someone to help me out. I took care of the baby, but my mother took care of the house/me! I had a harder recovery than others, but it was about 3 weeks before I was functional. I couldn't really bend over to get pots and pans out, and I was really tired, so she was very helpful.

If you feel like your guests would expect dinner/ a clean house, then I would tell them they have to stay at a hotel. If you feel like they would help out, then I personally would gladly accept it.

Snowflake7867 · November 2012

I am so stressed about this right now! We live multiple states away from all our family and early on my mom asked if I thought I'd want her there for the delivery. At the time I thought so. My DH's mom is *dying* to be here for the birth which is sweet but I've never really spent an extended period of time with her, she hasn't stayed with us in many years and she and my mom are *really* different. I think it would be pretty awkward to have them both here at once not to mention the fact that I never feel like DH is attentive enough to me when we have his family here. HE thinks they will both be great help . . . I'm more in the camp of, "that's great but it'd be nice to have a chance to get into a groove first". DH thinks it's unfair of me to be more in favor of my mom being the one to be here first. Gah! I do not want the moms stepping in where DH should or would if they weren't around and I don't want to have to be in a position where I have to force or facilitate that. Not an easy situation at all. I feel your pain OP!

ckalm5 · November 2012

I don't think you are being selfish at all. It is so overwhelming to have people constantly wanting to come around when you are trying to adjust to the change of bringing home a new baby. I would strongly recommend getting a system down and having time for you and your husband to bond with the baby before having house guests. Good luck!

ATLdesi · November 2012

I agree with the above posters - I don't think this is selfish at all. And, if it is - then I'm right there with you! I can't tell you how much energy/stress I've spent on this issue the last few weeks. It's so weird - I've been blessed with an easy pregnancy, hardly any symptoms, and a very healthy baby so far (knock on wood) - and the ONLY source of stress, anxiety, tears, and worry throughout has been our family and their inability to understand how DH and I might need some time/privacy as we become first-time parents. Everyone is hounding us, daily, sometimes many times a day, about when they can book their plane tickets to come see us, when all we want to do is wait till we're a little closer to my EDD and my doctor can give some sense of when things might happen. The parents and in-laws are all insisting that they come like 2 weeks before delivery because they want to just be here and sit around. I'm positive that will drive me insane. I really want our first visitors to be at least a week AFTER the baby arrives. We haven't even gotten to the part where I have to break the news that they'll all be staying in hotels. They're totally going to lose it.

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