Did you feel like you wanted to die?

penelopemaria · October 2012

I know it's a crazy question, but one of my best friends went natural (NOT by choice) and she said it was the worst moment in her life. She was pleading for death.

I really like the idea of going natural but I'm worried I won't be able to mentally cope with that amount of pain.

I just think the risks of the epi aren't really worth the benefits.

WDYT? Do you think everyone has it in them, or do you have to really prepare yourself?

FWIW, the most pain I've ever been in is period cramps for 20 minutes before the extra strength Advil kicked in.

b2b999 · October 2012

Does it hurt - Yes! but it really is not unbearable. I certainly wasn't praying for death.

For me the worst part was the exhaustion, but I was in active labor for 52 hours before pushing started - so that was inevitable and would have been a problem even if I'd had an epi.

If you want a natural birth - and you have to want it because there will come a time during labor where the only thing stopping you have getting an epi is your sheer desire to have a natural birth - you can do it. I have ZERO pain tolerance normally, I don't even like dealing with a stubbed toe, but I had a natural birth. If I can do it anyone can - so you can, if you want to.

runrinserepeat · October 2012

No, I wasn't wishing for death. Wishing my nurse would go suck on a dog's nose, wishing the baby would hurry up already, and wishing the resident OB would come back so I could give him a piece of my mind, yes. Death never crossed my mind.

Yes, it hurts. But it comes in waves, and you tackle them one at a time. You keep thinking, "if it's this bad now, there's no way I'm going to be able to do this without the drugs," until you realize you ARE doing it without the drugs, and you just keep going. At least, that was my experience.

oliversmommy32912 · October 2012

No I did not feel like I wanted to die. That seems like a bit of an exhaggeration to me. I am also the kind of person who takes Advil for cramps and Aspirin when I have a headache. I don't tolerate pain well. It hurts like heck and there are times where you question why you didn't want meds but in the end it is totally worth it. FWIW, I would give birth five times with no meds if I didn't have to be pregnant! Pregnancy was much worse IMO.

nosoup4u · October 2012

No, but it wasn't easy. I got to a point both times where I just wanted it to be over, and I wanted the contractions to stop. I was pretty determined to go med-free both times, though.

annabelle.27 · October 2012

First, I will say there is a huge difference in planning to go med-free and going med-free by happenstance. In the latter situation, I imagine you would feel very much a victim and be horrified that this was happening to you- which would make it much worse.

Second, every labour is different, even in the same woman. My mom always said that "labour isn't that bad" and generally went med-free, but she found the pain unbearable when she was delivering one of my sisters and chose the drugs that time. You'll hear plenty of women like your friend who say OMG IT WAS AWFUL GET THE EPIDURAL WITH THE FIRST CONTRACTIONS, and a few lucky women who shrug and say "it really wasn't all that bad, menstrual cramps can be worse" (lucky bitches) and a bunch of women in the middle. For me, I found my second labour to be much, much more painful than my first. Thank god it was short is all I can say.

With my first labour, I never really felt like it was unbearable or anything else. With my second, the pain was indescribable and "wanted to die" might be a good descriptor, yeah.

The thing is, it's not a "now or never" situation. Take it as it comes and see. If you get into labour and find you want the drugs, fine. That's what they're there for. But I don't think we need to have these things set in stone before we get to the delivery room.

Do I think "everyone has it in them"? Technically, yeah. All of us CAN do it med-free, no matter how horrendous the pain is. We are all physically capable of that. Whether or not we want to is another matter, and sometimes we won't know the answer until we are in labour. Personally, I think the best plan is to attempt med-free, read up on natural pain-relieving techniques, get good support- if only because, like your friend, you might end up going med-free whether you want the drugs or not. If you find that you cannot handle the pain and you want the drugs, I think we all have to give ourselves permission to do that. We all do our best with what we have and all have different birth plans- and sometimes our birth plans can change even in labour.

Good luck.

abell77 · October 2012

I think everyone has it in them AND I also think you really have to prepare yourself.

I think women are capable of birthing naturally because epidurals have not always been available and women were not dropping dead because they couldn't handle the pain. They were able to do it because they had adequate support and preparation. Now epidurals have become so prevalent in our society that I think women have become brainwashed to believe they can't handle it and they can't do it without drugs, and that is a shame. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for modern medicine and glad that epidurals are available for women during childbirth. I don't judge women who get epidurals because there are situations where it is warranted. It just frustrates me when women do not take the time to educate themselves and never even consider any other option than a medicated birth. I just think it's a shame, and a missed opportunity.

I would venture to guess that a large part of the reason your friend characterizes her birth experience as "wanting to die" and "the worst experience of her life" was because she was not planning on going natural or choose it herself. Your mindset and state of mind is crucial during childbirth. Yes, I had several moments during childbirth where I felt like, "I don't know how much more of this I can take." My son was posterior, which meant intense back labor and nearly three hours of pushing. Yes, it was the most difficult thing I've ever done but I never felt like I was going to or wanted to die and, as hard as it all was, I would describe it as one of the best moments of my life, not the worst.

Please have faith in yourself, you can do this. Take the time to educate yourself and prepare, including having your husband prepare for his role in supporting you. My husband and I took Bradley classes, but I know there are other methods out there as well that women have found helpful.

Good Luck!

Sawyerplus1 · October 2012

Oh gosh, never! And I've had 3 natural births, all a lot of painful work and ranging from 6 to 30 hours. I honestly never even asked for an epi either. I truly believe so much of the prep you can do while pregnant is mental, and I always focused on believing in myself and trusting my body that what I was feeling was natural and bringing me closer to baby. People who go naturally without PLANNING to more often than not, in my experience, didn't enjoy the experience.

Prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and intellectually, and you'll likely be content (hopefully happy) with however your birth goes.

KateLouise · October 2012

There were times when I thought, "I can't handle anything worse than this." but both times that was when I was in transition and that was as bad as it got.

I love giving birth. Yeah it hurts, and yeah it's hard work, but it's also pretty incredible.

I didn't do anything special to prepare, and I never once asked for the epi or even thought of it. But really the epi just wasn't an option in my mind, so it simply didn't occur to me. But it never really occurs to me to take drugs for a headache either, so I guess pain relief isn't in my brain as a "go to" option.

And although I say, "I felt like I was dying." it's mostly in jest, and I never actually wished for death.

Tash13 · October 2012

I think it's worst for women that aren't planning on it because they don't go to classes, educate themselves, etc. My first birth was painful, but it also wasn't an ideal setting (hospital, had to be monitored and stationary while going through transition, had an IV, etc.). My second birth, which was in water, was amazing and makes me want to have 10 more kids.

Take some natural childbirth classes, read some books, and make sure you have a health care provider or doula that is going to support your decision. This is truly a situation where knowledge and support can make or break the entire experience.

ETA: I also take midol for cramps and advil for a headache. I hate being in pain. I cried more from the cramps a few days later than I did from anything during labor. It's intense and a lot of work but I think those things register more than the pain. And as PP said, the worst part is when you're almost done so at least you know it's almost over once you get to that point

Alliebooberz · October 2012

I absolutely never thought I was going to die. I think that's the difference between being prepared for it by reading about it and empowering yourself and being stuck totally unprepared and panicked.

sschwege · October 2012

Heck no! It took all my concentration and was very intense, but not terrible. And for what it's worth I don't think I have a very high pain tolerance.

PansyPants · October 2012

At no point did I feel like I was going to die and I definitely didn't want to die.

It's intense and it's painful but really, it's fine. I did think that epidurals must be nice and that maybe next time I would have an epidural so I could take a nice nap instead of laboring. But that was the exhaustion running wild in my head.

wifeofadam · October 2012

I wasn't praying for death, just relief. And usually when that happens I'm in transition and know it is close to being over. Once you get over that hump and are ready to push it starts getting easier to cope.

mAnYaSha · October 2012

abell77:

I think everyone has it in them AND I also think you really have to prepare yourself.

I think women are capable of birthing naturally because epidurals have not always been available and women were not dropping dead because they couldn't handle the pain. They were able to do it because they had adequate support and preparation. Now epidurals have become so prevalent in our society that I think women have become brainwashed to believe they can't handle it and they can't do it without drugs, and that is a shame. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for modern medicine and glad that epidurals are available for women during childbirth. I don't judge women who get epidurals because there are situations where it is warranted. It just frustrates me when women do not take the time to educate themselves and never even consider any other option than a medicated birth. I just think it's a shame, and a missed opportunity.

I would venture to guess that a large part of the reason your friend characterizes her birth experience as "wanting to die" and "the worst experience of her life" was because she was not planning on going natural or choose it herself. Your mindset and state of mind is crucial during childbirth. Yes, I had several moments during childbirth where I felt like, "I don't know how much more of this I can take." My son was posterior, which meant intense back labor and nearly three hours of pushing. Yes, it was the most difficult thing I've ever done but I never felt like I was going to or wanted to die and, as hard as it all was, I would describe it as one of the best moments of my life, not the worst.

Please have faith in yourself, you can do this. Take the time to educate yourself and prepare, including having your husband prepare for his role in supporting you. My husband and I took Bradley classes, but I know there are other methods out there as well that women have found helpful.

Good Luck!

Yes

I generally do not like meds (but will take them if I feel bad enough), that is why I wanted to go med free with DS #1. Oh, and not wanting someone to stab me in the back with a big needle. I did not read about it, I just went through it by sheer stubborness. Never wanted to die. I hit a point where I felt like I could not do it any more, but that was transition. This time around after reading a lot of Ina May I know that it is classic statement for transition stage. LOL.

I agree with PP, it has a lot to do with your mental state and perception of the whole thing. If you believe you can do it, it will not feel so bad, but when your brain is in panic mode a fly looks like an elephant and you could very well feel like you will die from pain.

GL !

tokenhoser · October 2012

No, I wanted it to be over, but I didn't want to die.

I think choosing and preparing for a natural birth is different than having one by accident or against your wishes. It's not really about magical preparation, it's about your state of mind.

aylafsu88 · October 2012

Every women has the ability to have a natural birth- women having been having children for hundreds of years without pain medication. However, to have a natural birth you have to want it! Our society has tricked women into believing that childbirth is a painful near death experience and has forgotten the fact that childbirth is a natural part of life. I was mentally prepared for my natural birth and my DH was on board and supportive of me. Honestly, it was hard work and painful but at no point did I beg for death! The contractions really felt like bad period cramps and I did have some mild back labor. By laboring in the tub and massages really helped to ease this pain. If you use positions/techniques to help reduce the pain you will be more comfortable and the pain will not be unbearable!

katsue0xo · October 2012

annabelle.27:
First, I will say there is a huge difference in planning to go med-free and going med-free by happenstance. In the latter situation, I imagine you would feel very much a victim and be horrified that this was happening to you- which would make it much worse.

Second, every labour is different, even in the same woman. My mom always said that "labour isn't that bad" and generally went med-free, but she found the pain unbearable when she was delivering one of my sisters and chose the drugs that time. You'll hear plenty of women like your friend who say OMG IT WAS AWFUL GET THE EPIDURAL WITH THE FIRST CONTRACTIONS, and a few lucky women who shrug and say "it really wasn't all that bad, menstrual cramps can be worse" (lucky bitches) and a bunch of women in the middle. For me, I found my second labour to be much, much more painful than my first. Thank god it was short is all I can say.

With my first labour, I never really felt like it was unbearable or anything else. With my second, the pain was indescribable and "wanted to die" might be a good descriptor, yeah.

The thing is, it's not a "now or never" situation. Take it as it comes and see. If you get into labour and find you want the drugs, fine. That's what they're there for. But I don't think we need to have these things set in stone before we get to the delivery room.

Do I think "everyone has it in them"? Technically, yeah. All of us CAN do it med-free, no matter how horrendous the pain is. We are all physically capable of that. Whether or not we want to is another matter, and sometimes we won't know the answer until we are in labour. Personally, I think the best plan is to attempt med-free, read up on natural pain-relieving techniques, get good support- if only because, like your friend, you might end up going med-free whether you want the drugs or not. If you find that you cannot handle the pain and you want the drugs, I think we all have to give ourselves permission to do that. We all do our best with what we have and all have different birth plans- and sometimes our birth plans can change even in labour.

Good luck.
So true!! Planned med-free/ unplanned. It does take preparation!! And it is very doable!! The point in labor that you say 'I can't do it anymore' , or 'give me death!' is usually right at the end. I think it's a part women must pass through- being broken and at the end of the rope......and the triumphing over it. It's an awesome experience! Labor is by no means comfortable- but I wouldn't describe it as pain either. It's like this all encompassing power. All 3 of my labors have been very different. 2nd was fast and furious- I barely got a break in the contractions and nearly killed my husband and midwife (I kid- sort of). It was 2.5 hours of hell. My 2 others were fairly calm and I was very in control of my reactions. Your body knows when it- and you- need to be aggressive with things, and when you need to be calm and controlled. Educate yourself, then trust your body!

ridesbuttons · October 2012

I have one friend who was asking for a way out during her delivery that I know of.

I imagine if you are doing it NOT by choice, it might be harder to cope.

You never know what might come out of your mouth while you labour.

qtssima · October 2012

So much great advice here - I am a FTM, and have friends that have done it both ways. My sister had two naturally, and she told me that while there are painful moments, it is not unmanageable. But like any physical event that you are going to put your body through, I think you need to prepare mentally for what will happen. As a runner, I have been there at the end of a race, thinking "there is no way my legs can take me another step" and yet, somehow, it happens.

Read the books that have been recommended and some positive natural birthing stories. For most women that CHOOSE to go through it naturally, birth is a powerfully moving experience.

mrsodonnell12 · October 2012

I absolutely NEVER felt like I wanted to die.

Celyn · October 2012

The first time around, I was really uncomfortable but I never once thought I was dying or wanted to. I have spoken to a few women for whom this was the case. If one is having an unmedicated birth, not by choice, the fear of it can cause some severe pain. It's hard to relax when you think you're about to be in for the worst pain of your life and you'd planned *not* to feel it. Sometimes the baby is just not in a great position and that's painful. For some others, everything is lined up right, mom is relaxed, and it's painless. I was in the latter category the last time I delivered.

ridesbuttons · October 2012

Here's a nice, candid 2:25 personal story about natural birth and how even if you are prepared, that you can't predict how you will cope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLZq1xb26U8&feature=related

JuneBug86 · October 2012

Don't get me wrong, it was really painful, but I wasn't pleading for death. I plan on going completely natural next time and I'm not worried about the pain. I think I was more worried about it prior to giving birth the first time because I didn't know what to expect. It was super painful, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I thought I'd be pleading for death but I wasn't.

lkm2006 · October 2012

oliversmommy32912:
No I did not feel like I wanted to die. That seems like a bit of an exhaggeration to me. I am also the kind of person who takes Advil for cramps and Aspirin when I have a headache. I don't tolerate pain well. It hurts like heck and there are times where you question why you didn't want meds but in the end it is totally worth it. FWIW, I would give birth five times with no meds if I didn't have to be pregnant! Pregnancy was much worse IMO.

I had the epi but it was completely worn off by 7 centimeters. I have a very high pain tolerance and there was a time that I honestly thought there was no way I was going to survive. I think I was more overwhelmed because I feel like I was really trying to hide the pain (it was during transition and DH's family was still in the room). Fortunately, that feeling didn't last long and pushing was the biggest relief. Once that started I felt like I actually had control and was able to manage the pain. Basically, I needed people out of the room a lot sooner than they were!

vintagejjane · October 2012

No, I didn't feel like I wanted to die. It does hurt like no other, but I didn't want to die. Everyone's pain tolerance is different. Mine isn't the greatest, and I just kept telling myself that "this is temporary."

shibby00 · October 2012

My contractions were very painful, but very manageable until I got the epi. It only worked for a couple hours, then wore off and that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I'm not trying to scare you, but it was horrific pain that I could not deal with or cope through. Now I know the epi interfered with my own natural pain fighters, endorphins. So that is why I couldn't cope with the pain. This time with a VBAC I don't want any pain meds because I know they don't always work and can make pain worse, not better. I wouldn't say I thought I was going to die, but it was very, very painful. I knew I was in a hospital with people who weren't going to let me die.

mystrana · October 2012

My experience was that I did plan to go natural and prepared for the birth as such. I got through transition and it was a lot of pain, more pain than I personally had ever felt (and I once passed out from period cramps in high school) and I kept telling myself "pushing will be a relief" but it wasn't. For me, it was worse.

I did, in fact, yell that they should just kill me but I don't think I was seriously meaning it like I wanted to die; I meant it more like I couldn't imagine going through this pain but I knew I had to and so the wishing to die was just sort of my feeble attempt to remind myself that there were worse things than giving birth.

Dman85 · October 2012

It hurt A LOT. I never felt like dying though. The only way I can describe mine is it felt like a brick was scraping against my back/butt/bones. I had reconstructive foot surgery a few years ago and wasn't able to have pain meds the first 12 hours after surgery. That hurt more to me, but labor is a very mental thing in my opinion. I knew the pain was going to come back every couple minutes.

I told my husband I didn't think I could take it anymore and ten minutes later it was time to push. Usually once you hit that wall you are close to delivering.

footnotegirl · October 2012

Transition was bad. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember telling the nurse to "just cut her out of me!"

But I got through it, and once it was over, it was over. And for me I would have had a much worse time if I had not been able to move on my own or the like.

thetwistedwillow · October 2012

There's a difference between a planned natural birth and one you're just kind of thrown into without any idea of what to expect to plan for coping with the pain.

There is pain but it comes and goes; it is not constant. You won't die. You shouldn't feel like you're going to die. It does require a lot of focus which can lead to feeling tired and exhausted.

However when I had my last two kiddos naturally I actually dozed between contractions. When a contraction started I just took a deep breath and focused on breathing slowly. My awesome support team was there to help me with massage and counterpressure and help me move if I wanted to move.

Having a doula and plans for pain relief (like massage or water) HELP tremendously.

And you're correct that an epidural has far more risk than benefit. It's totally up to you. But I have to warn mommas that you can't go in with the mindset of "Well I'll give it a shot and IF it doesn't work out I'll have the epidural on backup" because most of the time those mommas get the epidural. Pump yourself up and if you want a natural birth then GO FOR IT with all your heart, not halfway.

queenaag · October 2012

No, honestly, while everyone's pain tolerance is different, I'd call my birthing experience more uncomfortable than painful. For me it was just uncomfortable cramping. The worst for me was being told not to push when my body wanted me too (they were adjusting monitors on baby). The one painful moment where I let out a yelp was when doc had to help baby's head over a lip in my pelvis. Lasted only a few seconds and he had warned me beforehand that I'd want to deck him for it.

Hyaline · October 2012

Honestly, yes. But. I was stuck in transition for four hours. The fact that I felt like I wanted to die--even, felt like I *would* die--was actually what tipped me off that something really wasn't right. I ended up needing pitocin and an epi--intervention I didn't want but ended up being absolutely necessary to avoid a c-section. So--I do think everyone can handle it, at least if you're having an uncomplicated birth. And if you feel like you *can't* handle it anymore? Something might be wrong, in my experience.

CandLind · October 2012

First I want to say is you can do it! It is def work to have a baby but I never thought I wanted to die. You have to mentally prepare yourself for having a natural birth, it isn't going to be easy and it is going to be uncomfortable. If you have a great support system you will make it. Best experience of my life

Snapdragon750 · October 2012

Hehehe, no, I remember thinking "Next time I will get an epidural!!!" but that was the worst thought that went through my mind. But people experience pain differently. I've heard of some women climbing up the walls and begging for the epi at 2 cm, but I didn't even feel so much as a twinge of pain until 5, and my labor from that point was only 7 hours.

Really, everyone is so different that there's no point listening to anyone else's experience except maybe your mother's or sister's.

Amanda&EricB · November 2012

I was not praying for death. I was praying for relief- which happened soon enough. It's not pain free, by any means. It is likely the worst pain I'll ever be in. But it's doable. It has to be, because some women (like myself) didn't have a choice.

Bride-hilda · November 2012

Starbuck128:
No. I can probably think of a dozen moments in my life when I was in more pain than labor. I never wanted to die, I just wanted it to be over. The pain barely registered with me. I know it was there, but it didn't occur to me to think about it. I was focused on staying relaxed. It wasn't until I sat down to write my birth story that I remembered pain was supposed to be a part of labor. Then I had to sit there and try to remember moments when I had been in pain.
There is a huge difference between a woman who unexpectedly ends up going med free, and one who prepares for it. I'm not surprised your friend felt that way, but most women who plan to go without an epi do not feel that kind of pain.
I suggest reading everything you can find about the labor process. Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth is great. If you understand what is happening to you and why, labor will not be as scary. If you aren't scared, you will be prepared to handle it.

So wise and so well stated! Plus I love the baby, "Not while my enemies stand!" So cute.

So, I haven't gone through labor yet, but I'm thinking I can do it med-free because BILLIONS of women have done it throughout history, weaker women than myself have done it, (whoever they are!) and I've been able to keep calm even when I've felt a huge panic attack coming on, so I can keep calm during anything. (Knock on wood.) I had a MC a few months before conceiving again, and the accompany cramps were described as contraction-like. I cried and stayed in bed for DAYS and was in SO much pain! (I'm sure many of you can relate,) but I survived. I don't know if that was the most pain I've ever been in, or if a really bad charlie horse is worse, or if hitting my funny bone is worse, or what-have-you, but I figure it's natural pain, it's part of life, it's what's supposed to happen.... I'm honestly excited about the experience, which might mean I have serious mental problems, but... oh well.

Did you feel like you wanted to die?

Re: Did you feel like you wanted to die?

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