A Week Later and Still so Raw... Twin Angel Babies
A week ago today, my husband and I woke up excited for our afternoon anatomy scan. We were expecting twins and we're itching to find out what the sexes of our beautiful babies were.
My pregnancy was an uneventful one. I had little morning sickness and no complications until October 23rd when our world came crashing down around us.
For two weeks prior to the scan I was experiencing some discharge. It was mostly clear and sometimes contained some mucous and as far as my doctor was concerned it was completely normal. I also had the urge to pee every 10 minutes and felt a pressure in my lower abdomen.
Last Wednesday morning, I saw a tiny amount of blood on the toiled paper. After calling labor and delivery they instructed me to drink water and spend the rest of the day laying down until my a/s scan but if there was any more bleeding to head straight to the hospital.
Later that morning, again I wiped some blood and we rushed to labor and delivery where I was treated by a nurse who screened me for a UTI. The on call doc said I had no infection and that "sometimes bleeding happens" and "if it doesn't fill up a pad I shouldn't worry"
We left labor and delivery and headed home to wait for our anatomy scan that afternoon at 3 pm. We were relieved that the bleeding was "nothing" and waited patiently for the moment when we'd finally find out what we were having.
We were thrilled when we found out that we were expecting two twin girls. They were active, had great heartbeats and were waving and bouncing around for us on the screen. They were both measuring ahead and the a/s scan showed that they were 100% normal and doing fine.
My cervix on the other hand looked "completely open" and before we even knew what was happening I was rushed back to the hospital with very grim hope that my babies would survive.
I was placed in the upside down position for 3 days, given antibiotics and the discussion of whether an emergency cerclage would be placed was being discussed. I was 3 cm dilated at this point with bulging membranes.
By Friday, my OBGYN was contacted by a huge university hospital that was willing to perform the procedure. Friday afternoon I was transferred via ambulance with high hopes that the cerclage would be placed and all this would have only been a bad dream.
On Saturday morning, the MFM arrived to see me and explained how risky the procedure would be seeing as I was carrying twins, dilated to 4 cm and the membranes were bulging.
We were given the option to stay on bedrest although they guaranteed that my water would break sooner than later and that infection would eventually set in, have the cerglage which would break my water or cause infection or make the most difficult decision and terminate our pregnancy.
At first, we were going to go with the cerclage but once examined there was not enough cervix left. We were left with no choices.
At 7:31 pm and 8:41 pm our beautiful angels Emma and Jianna were born. They were fighters and tried to stay with us but only last 10 minutes in this world.
We held them, kissed them and imagined what our lives would have been like with them before we had to hand them over and accept that life will simply never be the same.
They were perfect in every single way. Tiny perfect angels who were not given a chance.
Our hearts and shattered, broken and empty. We're trying to recover and wanted to share my story as a way to remember the events of the last week and let the world know how incredibly beautiful my angels were.
Re: A Week Later and Still so Raw... Twin Angel Babies
Jennifer,
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little babies, Emma and Jianna. I wish you didn't have to be here, but thank you for sharing your story and telling us about your twins. Please know you are not alone, we are all here to listen to you when you want to cry or vent or talk about anything.
Again, I am so sorry.
*ticker warning*
Jennifer, I am so sorry for the loss of your Emma and Jianna. We are so sad to welcome new mamas to our board, but I hope you can find some comfort and support here among women who understand. I also found it very healing to share my daughter's story. I still want to talk about her as much as possible which is totally normal and helpful for many of us. ((HUGS))
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies, Emma and Jianna. My heart breaks when we have to welcome new mamas to our board, but I hope you can find some comfort and support here among women who understand. We all have different stories to tell, but we all know what it is like to lose a child(ren).
((HUGS))
BFP #1 12.24.07 - DD born @ 39w1d on 08.26.08
BFP #2 08.04.11 - DD born still @ 37w3d on 03.25.12
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TTC #3 since May 2012
BFP #3 12.29.12 - CP @ 4w2d on 01.02.13
BFP #4 10.17.13 - CP @ 4w2d on 10.23.13
BFP #5 04.06.14 - MMC 05.07.14
No longer trying to conceive.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughters Emma and Jianna. I always hate to welcome anyone to our board but I am so glad that you found us. We are all here for you in any way you need us. Huge hugs thinking of you!!
Heather
** Ticker Warning ***
I'm so sorry you have to be here on this board but the ladies here are wonderful and will welcome you with open arms. Thank you for sharing your story, your little Angels will be missed. Big Hugs to you.
First of all, I am so so sorry for your loss. I was reading this and it was almost as if I had written it myself. I too went through the loss of my twins, a boy and a girl on October 28 at 20 weeks and 5 days. We were overjoyed with the news of twins after our second round of ivf and thought everything was finally ok. My first round of ivf resulted in an early miscarriage at 6 weeks so going to 20 weeks was a milestone for us.
I went in for a routine check and the doctor noticed my cervix had shortened and there was sludge, which meant there was a possibility of an infection. A week prior to this, my stomach had gotten really really tight but thought it was just normal due to carrying two babies. I also had a little discharge, mostly clear fluid. It was such a small amount, I just that it was normal as well.
The doctor sent me immediately to the university hospital where his partner, my other doctor was so he can do further testing. Many tests were ran to see if there was an infection, UTI, etc. An amnio was done as well and all test came negative. We were given the choice of just waiting to see what happens or to get a cerclage. We opted for a cerclage, it seemed like the right decision to make and it would increase the chance for the twins survival at the same time, it would increase the possibility of sewing in an infection. It was a 50/50 chance. At this point, I had dialated quite a bit and my cervix was open.
I had a cerclage put in after a day of laying in the hospital bed with my bottom up. The surgery was successful even though ther sac was bulging out, they were able to push the sac back in. I stayed in the hospital for another 24 hours before they discharged me. I went home and woke up at 3 am feeling very cold and I was shivering. My husband put extra blankets on me and I went to back to sleep. I woke up at 7 am with a fever of 103. We called the doctor and was told to get back to the hospital. I knew at this point something was very wrong.
They ran a few more test but again didn't find anything. I was given tylenol for the fever and waited for my doctor. While we were waiting, they checked the heartbeats of the babies and it around 220 beat per minute, this meant they were very very sick. I was then given the option of delivering them or getting a d&c. I opted for the d&c, I am not sure why but I did. I think I was scared. As they I walked into a room to wait for my doctor, my water broke. I was given a sedative via my iv to calm me down. I was pretty much gone as the last thing I remember was my husband giving my a kiss and telling me he loved me. I remember wanting to tell him I loved him but I couldn't get the words out and then I thought to myself, what if somthing happened to me during the surgery and I would never get the chance to tell him I loved him.
Little did I know that it could've been the last time for me to tell my husband I loved him. After the successful surgery of taking out the babies, I went into septic shock and nearly lost my life. The doctor told my husband I was really sick and so my husband asked it was life threatening and was told it was so he was advised to call my family to come see me. The fortunate part of this was that I was under so I had no idea all of this was going on. All I know is that when I woke up the next day, everyone was so surprised and shocked about the remarkable recovery. Had I not been at this particular hospital, I would have lost my life. There was a team of amazing doctors who took great great care of me.
It turned out that I had strep b and it got into my uterus when my cervix opened and infected the babies and made me sick and made the babies sick as well.
I never got to see my babies, all I have are their hand and foot prints and their ashes. While I feel incredibly lucky to be alive, part of me wishes I wasn't so I don't have to feel all this pain and sorrow. I am counting my blessings every day and I am hopeful I can be a mom some day. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking about the twins and my great love for them. My heart feels like it is forever broken.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Emma and Jianna. As the other ladies have said, be gentle with yourself and continue to allow yourself to grieve.
Thank you for sharing their story with us.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise