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lvnlife3184
member
Stuffed animals / attachment
lvnlife3184
member
SS is almost 5...DH and I know this is still a young age but we have been trying to do the "big boy" thing for a while. he whines a lot, talks like a baby at times, has some "baby" personality traits still and we realize BM sometimes encourages this. (we see the coddling, buckling him in constnatly and just not letting him do things on his own a lot.)
well this past week he has decided to start leaving his "animals" at his moms when he comes to our house. these are animals he has had since he was born i think. he used to carry them EVERYWHERE and in the past 6-8 months he doesn't do that but sleeps with them (which is no biggie obviously) but sometimes he carries them around the house and would suck on the nose of one and just act like a baby still. SO.....last night we get the children and my husband being a police officer/detective was on call and had to go into work for a while. while hanging with the kiddos watching some tv SS tells me he wishes he was only at our house 1 night at a time all the time because he misses his animals. i understand its difficult for him and maybe being 8 months pregnant doesn't help my attitude at times but i wanted to scream at that comment. its hurtful and i'm SO glad DH wasn't home to hear it. i know it would hurt his feelings.
has anyone had problems with their own or stepchildren and their attachment to objects being so strong they'd rather be with the item than their own family? are my hormones taking over here? lol i wasn't sure what to say. I did tell him that it isn't very nice to say he doesn't want to be at dads house like that and very soon he will have a little brother at our house that he will miss when he's away.
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Re: Stuffed animals / attachment
I think you're reading into it and being too sensitive. You've really got to try and develop a thick skin with kids.
Rather than correct him, I think you should have given him a hug and said that YOU miss HIM when he's gone and that you're glad he's there now.
Here's a suggestion:
Take him to a Build-A-Bear or somewhere else special. Ask him to pick out a new animal for your house and see if he wants to select one for his new sibling, too. Tell him he can give it to the baby after s/he is born.
Are you serious? You got your feelings hurt to the point of wanting to scream by a 4 year old? I mean, he's a kid and he certainly didn't mean all the things you read into his statement...
Could he possibly be projecting feelings of missing BM onto his stuffed animals? Could you possibly tell him that his animals are welcome to come to daddy's house again if he misses them? Or get him a new special build-a-bear (which could even have a recording of BM saying goodnight) for daddy's house, like PP suggested.
um yes quite a few things are driving me crazy currently. 34 weeks pregnant for my first time and hormones have been crazy. throw in my DH not being home in the evenings and i'm handling everything with SK's including a SS who constantly whines and never acts like he wants to be at our house. SD talks about never wanting to leave us though. its a weird difference between the two. (theres also always drama with BM which doesn't help)
but i guess the excessive whining gets to me and then when he tells me he wishes he wasn't at our home when he's supposed to be because he'd rather be at his moms with his stuffed animal, yes i wanted to scream/cry/do whatever to make myself from not going nuts. not necessarily scream at him. maybe it was written/taken wrong.
I just know DH is having a tough time because he's constantly asking him to stop the whining, stop the baby talk, and encouraging big boy things. I wasn't sure as a SM what i could do to help out. I was around for his big sister at that age and she had none of these traits like he does. we think maybe BM just babies him an awful lot and then when he gets to our house he's not being babied but treated more like a child his age and he whines for the other kind of attention.
which we think is also why SD always loves being with us because she possibly see's the other being babied and at our house they get equal attention and are treated fairly.
Editremoved some
DH and I seem to be the only ones who think about this actually because BM sure doesn't seem to care. Our custody schedule revolves around her work schedule and considering she makes the schedule, you'd think it'd be a little more routine but its not.
I guess since we have the children so often maybe I expect too much from him and currently my hormones are getting the best of me. Plus being on my own with them and currently knowing this whole weekend i'm on my own with them because DH has been called out on a case that won't let him come home except to sleep a few hours at night is making me nervous too. We were supposed to have pictures done tomorrow and my baby shower is Sunday.
I think I'm getting to be a nervous wreck finally in this pregnancy and here I am being offended by SS doing things that he does on a normal basis and who's so young he doesn't even know what the word offended is.
I think you & your DH are pretty heartless to make a 4 yr old feel like he can't bring a stuff animal to your house because it makes him a "baby" . . . .
we never told him he couldn't. it was SS's choice and possibly BM's.
we are trying to support him without giving in and telling him to start bringing them back. and i was never a jerk to the child.
thanks for the opinion though.
My SS is 4 and I have an almost 11 month old. When LO was on the way SS became extremely clingy and regressed some into old baby habits. While we don't have the same BF situation you do I can offer insight into how things have panned out for myself and SS (We have SS 100% of the time).
Pregnancy brings HUGE changes for everyone including your SS. He is now realizing he is no longer going to be the baby, and sometimes that is scary for a 4-5 yo. Your SS seems to want to cling to something he finds non-chaotic and constant. His animals never change and are calming and reassuring. My SS talks to his and they are his "friends". A healthy active imagination isn't a bad thing.
I still buckle SS in into his car seat, but I do allow him to buckle the chest clip. I do not think that is babying a child. It is insuring a child's safety. With all your hormones fluctuating I would suggest telling him to bring his buddies (stuffed animals) on over. He will grow out of his ways on his own time, and honestly who is it really hurting that he sucks on his stuffed animals nose?
Whining... as annoying and awful as it is believe me it could be worse. My SS is at a stage where he cries and whines over EVERYTHING and NOTHING. If something just slightly displeases him he is complaining or crying. It drives me nuts, but you have to remember kids at this age do not know how to communicate their feelings very well. They don't know how to explain what's bothering them, and they certainly don't always know how to react.
Talk to YH. I too have a DH that is gone a lot (mine works 6pm-6am). It is hard, and when the baby first came I had no help at all. When the baby comes make sure you speak up if you get overwhelmed (It happens, I know I did).
Talk to SS too. Let him know how you feel when he acts out. However, I would not tell him he is annoying you by acting like a baby. Ask him why is sucking on his stuffed animals nose (whatever specific action os bothering you). Boys tend to mature slower than girls, and every child moves at their own speed.
Hang in there.
Well, I'm glad you recognize that its your hormones, not SS, that's making you feel this way.
I agree with PP that he's probably reacting to your pregnancy as well.
If I were you I would back off on the "big boy" stuff a bit and then emphasize it more next summer when he's about to go to Kindergarten. Make sure he gets plenty of quality time with dad. Praise him when he does any "big boy" things, but don't scold him or mock him for being babyish.
This! He will grow out of "baby" things however he is at a difficult age. Be more mindful of the things he is doing correctly like if he dresses himself in the morning praise him...even if the outfit is mismatched and all over the place. Let him connect with something which feels stable.
DS sleeps with two stuffed animals at night, if he forgets one then he tends to sleepwalk or he gets up constantly to check on us to make sure we are still there. It helps with his fear of the dark and sleeping with them has cut down on his tendancy to wet the bed.
This. Pregnant or not you are being a *** to a four year old. Remember that if you keep being a jerk your child will one day be a stepkid that wants to sleep with the one constant thing in his/her life and the stepMom might call them a baby and take it away.
I have a pillow pet, and I love it. For some reason, when I am PG, I have to have it to sleep. It's the gorilla one and I named him Buster.
Honestly your SS behaviour is fine for a four year old. His dad needs to spend time with him and teach him how to be a 'big boy'. Telling him means nothing, it's ultimately your DHs job to show him.
You have taken on a lot in this marriage so you are going to have to grow thicker skin here.
It's ok for your SS to miss his mom/house/animals when he is with you. His feelings are his feelings! Kids tend to say what's on their mind!
He's 4 and he needs love and support to grow in this BF. imagine living between two houses!! He does not deserve to be on the receiving end of your emotions.
I would bet my life you will have a baby that's will never leave their stuffed animals down for a second.
Bring in help here so you get to enjoy your baby shower and get much needed break.
My SD is 9 and still talks like a baby sometimes. We tell her we can't understand her when she talks that way, could she please repeat herself appropriately.
It sounds like one of two things is happening here: either your SS is other-homesick and he associates being there with his stuff that is there so that's how he vocalizes it OR he's fishing for some "But we really miss you when you're not here" reassurances. Little kids want to hear that they're wanted.
Get him a lovey for your house. Talk to his mom and let her know he's missing his loveys because you think they remind him of her and that he is welcome to bring them to your house if she's comfortable with that. But most of all, if it comes up again, let him know that it's okay to miss his other home and the people and things who are there, and that you know this because his dad and you miss him and his sister when they are gone. Give him some cuddles if he's comfortable with that. Four year old snuggles are great for oxytocin production to help quell those pregnancy hormones.