- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Dads & Dads-to-be
TTC #2 since 2009 Have PCOS two close calls with letrozole and hcg trigger. Hoping 3rd time does the trick...
first baby ended in mc... now what?
So my DH and I have been ttc our first baby for almost 4 years now... I have a DD from a previous relationship and my DH has raised her since we started dating when I was 3 months preggo... She doesn't know any different because that's daddy... Which is one of the many things I LOVE about him... We have been together for 8 years and married for almost 5. Last week we found out after almost 4 years of trying that we were finally pregnant and we were so excited that we told everyone... Well 3 days after that I had a mc and it was horrible for both of us. It has been a week since and now he is refusing to have sex with me and he said he isn't even sure if he can try for another baby. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to give up and I don't want to pressure him, I want to give him time to grieve and move beyond.... Do I just let him be and approach me when he's ready?
TTC #2 since 2009 Have PCOS two close calls with letrozole and hcg trigger. Hoping 3rd time does the trick...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: first baby ended in mc... now what?
That is actually a very common reaction for us men.
You both need to grieve together, as a couple. That means that you will have to have highly emotional moments that are shared between the two of you. Now is not the time for the two of you to be individuals, nor is it the time to start getting back on the horse, so to speak.
Mourn over the loss for as long as it has to take. It took my wife and I nearly 1/2 year just to feel comfortable enough to start trying again. Regardless of when a child is taken from us, it is a horrible thing to go through. Even to this day, with a little one at home, my wife and I think about our lost child all the time, and we still talk about that loss as if it happened last week.
Eventually the two of you will come through this together, with an acceptance and understanding that will allow you to move on. But the two of you have to do it together, not as individuals.
I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't gone through what you and your DH are, but I imagine it is quite difficult. It is totally understandable emotions are running raw right now. Men on a whole are not as good at acknowledging our emotions as women are. The stereotype that women can have a good cry and feel relieved while men bottle things up has a lot of truth to it.
First priority is making sure DD doesn't feel any negative effects from your loss. If you feel like your DH's grieving is affecting his relationship with DD, you need to point this out to him and stress that he can't take out his feelings on DD. I hope this experience has made him treasure her all the more.
Second I would focus on your relationship with each other. Make time for each other to simply be together without talking about pregnancy plans. Be intimate if he is up for it, but make it clear it is sex for sex and intimacy's sake, and not TTC. A couple unreciprocated blowjobs might go a long way in helping re-frame sex as fun and intimacy building rather than being all about baby making. The fact is, if you get a man worked up enough sexually, he's going to forget about anything but getting off. Also, for a lot of men having some good recreational sex without worrying about TTC can reinvigorate their desire to make a baby.
Give it a couple of months. Consider... I hate to say "tricking him", but perhaps relieve the pressure when the time comes by telling him "Let's just have sex and not worry about whether or not we get pregnant." You can chart all you want and make damn sure that when the time is right his swimmers get where they need to be, but feel free to make it seem to him like you were just really, really horny that night. Helpfully biology is on your side, as most women want sex most when they are most fertile.
I'm sorry for your loss. I can somewhat relate, while we were not trying nearly as long as you were, we had a blighted ovum on our first pregnancy. We went out and told everyone we were pregnant early, and found out the day before Christmas Eve that we lost the baby.
As far as the sex goes, were you cleared medically for sex? We had ours ended surgically (as my wife didn't rejected the empty amniotic sac, in fact, she was still experiencing all the symptoms of pregnancy only without the baby, which made it worse), so we weren't cleared immediately to try again. He might not think it is ok.
What I am assuming is the case right now is that he is grieving. While you have your daughter, who is blood, he does not, no matter how close he is to your daughter, have a child who he helped create. Either way, he is grieving and right now having sex, what he may see as part of why he feels the way he does now, probably is nothing that is even remotely interesting. Not because he doesn't love you, but because he can't even think of losing another at this current point in time because this one is so fresh.
You need to allow him to grieve, offer to let him talk to you about his feelings (he may reject that due to stereotypical gender roles), and if he takes you up on it, just listen and offer an open ear and shoulder to cry on. I know it is tough on you too, but if you allow an open dialogue it will help everyone. It took me some time to get over the loss and to be frank, I was hesitant when it was time to try again because of fear of a repeat situation, but fortunately our 2nd attempt is now almost 23 months old... so just because it happened once, does not mean a guaranteed repeat.
I'm so sorry for your lost.
It has to be tough on both of you going through this. My wife and I had the same thing happen to us...we held off on telling people hoping that we would make it through the rough patch, but people found out and we started to celebrate. Only to find out that it was not happening and she had to have a D-and-C. It was really rough for both of us and we were advised to take some time off from sex and even longer from trying again. We had our own private breakdowns and we grieved together as well. It takes time and this is so new and raw for both of you.
Take some time to reconnect without the pressure of sex or TTC. We took some road trips and even flew to a few different cities to see the US and get our mind off of things. Whatever you need to do, make it happen. We were actually told to use condoms when we started having sex again because her doc wanted a 3 month break before we tried and that was rough for me. The condom was a reminder of everything and I found myself not even wanted to have sex. Nothing to do with my wife, I love her....it was just tough for me. Know that he is processing this to and may not be 100% ready to talk it all out. Hang in there and take some time for you two to just be together. When it's okay, get out and have some fun...the time will pass and you both will be in a better place to start conversation and next steps. But that won't happen overnight.
TTC #2 since 2009 Have PCOS two close calls with letrozole and hcg trigger. Hoping 3rd time does the trick...