Hosting my friends shower by myself, and she said 100 people on guest list...
joshandpanda
member
My first response was: Are you serious?
She said they have big families, and a lot of friends.
I think I talked her down to about 50... But, I am hosting this shower by myself, as no one else has offered to to help, and even if I do the bare minimum for food etc, that is still a bigger expense for me. I understand its a huge undertaking on who is hosting, and I was totally fine with that, but wanting 100 people there?!?
I have suggested very close family, no one further out than parents, grand parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and first cousins (whom ever they regularly interact with). She never responded about it after that...
I will also be suggesting having a 'diaper and beer' party for all the friends (only having maybe 8 of the people at the shower, being her close friends) and the rest can go to the party...
What other options can I give her to maybe bring her count to around 25/30?
Thanks ladies.
(*like I said before, I know its a huge undertaking hosting a shower, and I have accepted that, and I will do whatever to make it an awesome day for her, I just don't want it to be so much going on and people there that it can get too busy busy that day)
Re: Hosting my friends shower by myself, and she said 100 people on guest list...
I think you have two options:
1. Talk with your friend and let her know that when you offered to host, you didn't realize that she had such an extensive guest list and that you only have the means to host a shower for 25-30 people. Would she be interested in having your shower be a "friends" shower or is there someone in her family who could help with additional headcount. You could play up the benefit of this option as you'll be able to decorate, have more/better food, and there will be more time to interact with guests, open presents and play games.
2. Bite the bullet for the 50-100 guest list and let her know that you're only going to be able to do a very basic shower- minimal munchies, sparse decorations, and that it won't be feasible to play games or open presents at a shower this size.
I would strongly push for Option 1, though. You sound like a good friend and I hope your friend can be respectful of the type of shower you are reasonably able to accommodate.
I think people who have 100 people on their baby shower guest list are really dumb, big family or not. Why would anyone even think that is okay?!?
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I would call her up and say something to the effect of "when I offered to throw a shower, I had something small in mind like 25 or 30 people. However, I wasn't clear about that when I offered. Obviously, your ideal shower would be a lot larger. I"m really sorry about the confusion. However, I simply can't afford to throw a shower that large. I still want to do something small - like a "friend" shower, or whatever you'd like to do - that can bring us to around 25 or 30. If this just won't work for you and you feel you have to do something larger, then I will unfortunately not be able to host it. Again, I'm really sorry about the confusion - I should have been more clear".
I say that even though I think she's kind of rude to throw a 100 person guest list w/o actually asking you what you had in mind!
But - just to try and smooth things over, I'd take the blame and "apologize".
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I agree with all of this. Don't feel pressured into hosting such a large shower. I can't even imagine having 50 people, 100 seems really excessive. I'm kind of surprised that if she has such a large family and so many close friends that no one else has offered to help you host.
Thank you all SO much!!!
Im so happy no one is harping on me that since I offered, I should bite the bullet and do it...
I really like the whole, hey, when I offered, I didn't expect that many people.... etc etc...
Ill probably do that, and see where it goes...
Thanks again ladies!!!
I do think this is something you should have discussed with her right away. Because what if she 20, but you could only accomodate 10? You need to talk to her about it ASAP!
I am used to 50 average number that comes on my side of the family, but there are always multiple cousins/aunts/parents hosting. And we definately don't have BOTH sides of the family come to these things, because that would be way way too much.
Great idea!
Wow, big family or not, that is totally insane.
My family is enormous - DH's parents both have more than six siblings (and all the attendent children, in-laws, cousins, etc). I am one of nine children in my family. But even with our gigantic clan we can easily get a list down to 50 women for a baby shower...
100 people is NOT a baby shower, it's a cocktail party in honor of a baby. I mean, she cannot open 100 gifts - it would take forever. Gosh, I'd pay NOT to sit through that gift-opening.
Unfortunately, now that you've already given over control of the guest list, I think you have to be honest about what's happening:
Then, have a plan for her possible reactions, since she may not say, "Oh, in that case, we can cut Tim, Sue, Larry..." Be firm in deflecting any suggestions that you aren't comfortable with and you'll be fine! She may honestly have no clue how much invitations, postage, alcohol, food, etc, really add up to - especially if she's young and hasn't thrown many parties herself.
Next time, I'd recommend giving MTB a specific number of invitations you can extend. Build in the assumption that only about 2/3rds will attend: if 30 is your number, tell her she can invite 45, etc. Too little, too late, I know... :-P
Good luck!
Sometimes poeple forget a shower is not a wedding! I do understand that some poeple may have a lot of family and friends, but those poeple would have multiple showers, one for friends, one for family, ....
Just be upfront about it, it's better this way.
If a friend handed me a list like that I'd ask her to cut back for sure and PPs gave you a lot of ideas how to do that.
If she doesn't I would suggest to her maybe having 2 or 3 showers. Seperate family and friends, or maybe her family, his family, then friends...whatever she has to do to get it down. Then just offer to host the party for whichever group you are more familiar/comfortable with.
If she's so keen on a HUGE party maybe she'd be easy to persuade into having multiple parties. Then leave it up to somebody else to offer to host the other groups.
I agree with the previous posters. My shower had seventy-five invitations but it is a large church shower and this is the tradition at our church. I tried to decline and have a smaller shower but was told last weekend that this one is already planned and is this upcoming weekend. We expect about fifty will show up. It is a come and go party about three hours long. The big thing is there are Seven hostesses and the venue is free. I would never expect one person to take on a shower this big.
Also it takes forever to get all the presents opened at a shower this large. Even with the come and go and the three hours I will be opening presents almost the whole time. That is why it is come and go, show up when you want and leave when you get tired of watching the spectacle.
Do not feel like you have to host that many people. Give her a number and make her stick to it. She sounds like a greedy little monster to me. If I had my way I would have invited thirty people, tops.
I am astonished that someone thinks 100 people should be invited to a baby shower. Especially when, out of those 100 "must invite" people, precisely ONE person was willing to step up and hostess the shower. That just speaks volumes.
Do people not get it that they don't have to invite every female in their acquaintance to the baby shower? Seriously. Does anyone want to have to attend a baby shower for every pregnant woman you know?
You are well within your rights to let her know that this is more than you can do, and that she needs to choose between having 100 guests but finding another hostess and having a smaller shower with you hosting it.
ECB gave you excellent advice about how to handle the conversation.
All of this.
Haha my thoughts exactly!
oh my....
to answer your question i would say "i can accomodate 25-30, let me know who to invite"
To cut down on costs, why don't you have it be a potluck and assign people to bring dishes?? You can provide a cake a main dish. Just put what they are responsible for on the invites. That way, she can have the baby shower she wants and you can save money.
IDK...some people don't even have weddings that are 100 people...it seems excessive for me but we love our friends and will do anything for them
Please don't do this. Since people are already giving gifts, it's rude to ask them to provide the food for the event.
I agree with PPs let her know how many people you can afford to host and she can give you a pared down guest list.
Yeahhh, don't do that. If you mention it to the MTB and she mentions her family helping with food, great but don't make the shower a potluck. EastCoastBride pretty much said the perfect thing.
And inviting 100 people to a shower is INSANE, I don't care how big your family is.
"Dear friend, when I offered to host a shower, I had a budget of X amount I simply can not afford more than that. Now we have 3 options: 1) we have is a smaller shower, around 30 people maximum and it's a much nicer shower. Cutesy decorations, full meal (insert other options here). 2) We have a larger cake and punch shower, minimal decorations and snacks served. Lastly, we have 3) the choice where I regretfully have to decline my offer to host and offer to help someone else who is also willing and able to step up to throw you the large and lavish shower you would like."
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Agree with the PPs. Tell her how many you can afford. And how many people your site holds.
"diaper and beer" party would be just as expensive -- that stuff's pricey!
I agree with EastCoastBride and most of the other pps as well. You really should have been upfront with her regarding the number you could comfortably accomodate financially. At this point you will have to point-blank tell her the max you could accomodate. If that means it is friends only then so be it. Keep in mind...that if you can accomodate 30...she could stil invite 40 and you'll end up having 30 showing up (usually). I'm really surprised that with that many people on both sides of her family no one else has stepped up and offered a shower (or maybe it is too early?).
If I had had only one shower there would have been approximately 100 people there. I had one large family/friends shower of 60 people (80 were invited) and a smaller church shower (around 25) and then a work shower (9 people). That was not inviting everyone I know either. If I went that route there would have been at least 300 invited (my DH is in the entertainment industry and has a large fan base). Unfortunately, most of them would have shown up (if he was there!). They think they are our best friends. LOL
Holy cow! When my friends offered to host a shower and started asking about a guest list, the first thing I asked was how many she was comfortable hosting in her home. Then I gave her a guest list with less. Truthfully, she said 50 and I just didn't have 50 friends I was close enough with to invite. My list was 30 and 20 attended. We had a wonderful time, but I cannot image having more than that. I really enjoyed the chance to be able to visit with all my guests individually or in small groups.
Just be honest with her, tell her how many you can accomodate and ask her to provide you a guest list within those limits.
Yeah I'm sorry but this is horrible advice, please don't do this OP.
Thank you so much for the options!!!
We are having our monthly game night tonight, and I will bring up some of the options to her then. I really hope that she understands that I want to give her an awesome shower, and with a larger group, I just wouldn't be able too...
I have SO MANY awesome ideas (its an underwater theme, as that is the theme for the nursery) and I really think it would be an awesome day for her and her guests if I could do everything I have planned....
thanks again!!!
I'd do this.
100 people sounds incredibly gift grabby!
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I'm actually sort of worried that this'll happen when my BFF gets pregnant. Both her and her husband have larger extended families, and their wedding had 300+ invited. Plus, her SIL just had a baby shower and there were 90 people there (100+ were invited, and that was after trimming the guest list), so I think that her husband thinks that's the norm.
What we did for her bridal showers was to effectively split it into 3 -- his family, her family, and her friends. I hosted the friends one, and there were about 30 invited and about 15-20 there. Perfect amount IMO. One of her aunts hosted on her family's side and one of his aunts hosted his family's side. It worked out well since it let her spend time with her guests at all of the showers. I'm hoping that her aunts will step up and do the same when they get to having a baby.
I agree with the other posters - You have to be honest with her on what you can do. Let us know how she reacts.
I would have it at a random time, such as 2:00-4:00 so you will be expected to serve finger foods only. Ditch the decor. Seriously, who cares about silly balloons?
If she does not cut the list further, I say you cut it for her. Perhaps just include family? Maybe another friend will offer to host a "friends-only" shower for her.
I know someone who just hosted a shower for her sister.... the girl invited about 150 people and had it in a church basement. The host ended up spending $600 on the shower... and she has 3 kids of her own (I'm not one to talk about their finances, but I can imagine that would be a big burden). I saw pictures of it the other day.... there were 6-8 tables set up and the people that showed up fit around one... plus a kid's table. I think everyone was so put off by the mass invite (which I assume part of it was done by FB but not sure) that people didn't come.
But long story short.... don't let yourself get talked into spending more money/time, etc than you are willing to. Do what you are comfortable with and if you have to deline hosting than that's what you should do. I do like the PPs idea of saying that you weren't aware of the size of the shower, etc and you could still do a small friends shower.
Not to say that I think it isn't a lot that she is expecting you (a friend) to host that many people by yourself, but I do agree with this. My mother's side of the family alone has at least 70 people to invite, only a handful (maybe 10, 15 wouldn't be able to make it). My father's side is 25. Spouse's family is easily 25 (give or take, assuming the ones that would actually make it), and that puts us at over 100 without inviting a single friend. There's probably at least 25 others (neighbors, family friends, friends) that we would invite that we are close to and would want there that would be able to make it as well (I'm not even including people we'd love to invite but know wouldn't make it). This isn't even counting the people that my mom will want to invite that I'm inevitably forgetting about!
Granted, some of these people are men and children, because we live across the country from our family/friends and I want everyone to be invited, because it will literally be the last time we see them for a year and the last time before the baby is born. And I'm insisting that there be NO gifts either, so it isn't because I want gifts, I just want to see everyone. We can't take anything back with us anyways, and we may be moving out of state so we can't have things shipped to us.
For me, this is a totally normal amount of people on the guest list, because I do have such a big family. So while I totally think there should have been a discussion regarding expectations, and I personally wouldn't expect that of a friend, I would want to have all my important people at the shower. So while I can absolutely see where you are coming from, and agree that you need to have a discussion with her, I can also understand where she is coming from if it is a similar situation to mine- I couldn't imagine having a shower (or any other kind of gathering) without inviting them!