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Baby Showers
To shower or not to shower....
This will be my first baby....in ten years. I have two older children so I have nothing for babies except the crib (somehow kept that all theses years). Etiquette says one shower for only the first. If a friend decides to give me a shower, I am not going to complain but is it appropriate because it is my Fiance's first child just not my first child?
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Re: To shower or not to shower....
I think you're going to get a lot of mixed opinions since this is quite the hot topic and traditional etiquette is a shower for the first only.
I personally wouldn't side eye since it's been so long since your last. I would just keep the guest list limited to very close family and friends or new friends that didn't attend your first shower, and keep your registry modest.
Agreed, however, if FI's family wants to host a shower, just keep it to his side/very close family & friends.
RoxyLynn, I like the quote in your siggy. I didn't realize it was about homeschooling until the very end. I think helicopter parents (whether they homeschool or not) could learn from that quote! Nothing like real life to teach you lessons when you're little and the whole world isn't going to collapse on you.
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I was just wondering. My first shower was canceled but I got a few gifts sent to me and there was no shower for the 2nd. I have a friend who was not there for the births of my first two children and wants to throw a shower despite my protests. His family lives in a different state so would not be able to throw one. I'm not sure I could stop her if I could, though it may be more of a sprinkle than a shower. I think I might have been rationalizing her giving me one.
As for the crib...I did not think if it was up to standard. It is a wood crib and the slats aren't far apart and the side doesn't go down. I am definitely going to have to look into that and make sure it is still considered safe, though. I may have to thank pregnancy brain for that one.
In my opinion and my circle of family and friends it would be totally acceptable.
I am also going to be a second time mom, my first son will be 16 when the baby is born. I had him when I was young so my first shower was very small with only family and a few friends. The few friends are mostly people that I haven't seen in over 10 years.
This will also be my DH's first child and we both come from families that love to celebrate everything. I am having a shower being hosted by my mom, MIL, and my best friend.
If you are offered one I don't see anything wrong with excepting it. I only agree with second showers when it's just about celebrating the baby/pregnancy and not giving gifts but in your case, because it is your fiance's first then I am sure that his family will want to celebrate this baby whether it is your first or your 20th. Now if you had everything still and your oldest was say 4 or 5, I would say it would be extremely tacky/rude to register for tons of big stuff... almost like you'd be taking advantage of having a new side of the family to get gifts from but because you don't... register away
My mom had a second shower, it was her first kid with my dad (not bio obviously) and my little brother and I are 7 years apart... she had very little with me and what she had she got rid of years before.
This!
For my brother's wife who was in a similar situation (older child for her, but his first), his godmother hosted an outdoor dinner party for friends and family.
Invitation wording was something like, "Join us for dinner and drinks to celebrate B and S's soon-to-be baby boy." (No mention of the word "shower"...) I don't remember any confusion on the part of the guests about whether or not it was a traditional shower, since it was at a normal party time (evening) and since it was clear men were included and cocktails would be served.
Time was late afternoon on a Sunday, setting was his godmother's home, food was casual buffet dinner, and beer, wine, and cocktails were served. Those who brought presents set them aside (not on display), and my brother and his wife opened them at home later to avoid any awkwardness on the part of those who didn't bring a gift. Gifts were certainly not expected, but since this was his first baby, many family members and close friends brought sentimental and/or particularly useful presents in his honor.
I thought it worked perfectly - in one fun party, the "shower issue" was put out of the way for all those who love to ask, "So, when is your shower?!"
This makes me sigh....These things are said over and over because no real answers are ever concluded. People aren't all out to justify getting stuff, they want answers to what is polite. Polite and etiquette and understanding much lacking because of opinions.
Now, as far as the shower is concerned, due to the advice of some of the fine women and the criticism of others, I thank you and have come to this conclusion. Perhaps a little special ed....The baby shower is a modern creation begun about the time of the Baby Boomer Era. Men were away at war and well, back then it was not unheard of for a village to raise a child as the saying goes. Due to difficult times and the men not there to provide much, women gathered to help the new mother out. It was made into a celebration. This also cam e at a time when it was no big deal to save the crib or bassinet and car seats were unheard of. Safety protocols were not an issue and women took care of what little was had. Passing down items was a joy and must and materialistic intentions were also not a question. So it was only necessary to have one shower. This was also a time when divorce was a shocking thing. So no new babies coming about in other marriages. Tradition is beautiful and if we still lived in this time, it would work. Before the modern baby shower, gatherings and parties or blessings would happen AFTER the baby was born and it was a celebration with feasting, if there were gifts it would because someone hand made something. Keep in mind that before the modern baby shower, women were considered unclean and mostly sequestered until she was deemed pure once more and no longer tainted from childbirth (anywhere from 10 to 40 days). I actually uphold to my Korean traditions and have a 100 Day Birthday where my mother and I will make food. Money and gold are gifts usually given but this would be provided by the immediate family or very close friends who are aware of the tradition. The abundance of food and the reams of string and money are surround the baby not out of greed but to rejoice that the baby has survived the first 100 days and now will look forward to a prosperous life and longevity. No gifts are required of any guest and they are there to celebrate.
I am not rich but I will provide all that my baby needs as would any mother and father of a new child. Some children come as a surprise but we are happy to make due with what we have. To assume we do not is callow. That anytime a woman asks about shower etiquette and gets the shower nazi response of "you just want to justify your greed" makes me unduly sad. A baby shower was to show support and love. A gift need not be bought. It can be handmade or the gift could be the presence of that person and letting the pregnant mother know she has support. It is a celebration to bring a life into the world. Why should that not be celebrated every time when that support is needed for every child? Sometimes it is a lonely thing to be pregnant. Why wait until after the birth? Why can we not adapt what we consider traditions to fit an ever changing world? We are not getting rid of tradition we should be making tradition better.
Oh, and what of the women who have more than one shower because both mother and MIL, and best friend, and co-workers give separate parties? One would have to go around refusing because people want to share in the joy. And you know, some people are not aware of the etiquette of showers. My friend who wants to host the shower...I talked to her and told her that "etiquette says only one shower no matter what" She said, "That's crazy. I thought it was a shower for every baby." I said, "Nope." She said,"Well, I don't care. Every baby should have love and know that people cared that the baby was coming. We can still have a small get together." I love her!
Sorry this was so long and that if you took the time to read it all, thank you. I have always been told that when you seek advice or understanding to remember that you do not always get what you seek. The key is to come away wiser for it.
So on that note, to all the women in the future who ask about the etiquette of the shower...do what you feel best. If your heart is full of greed, more power to you. If you just want someone to say it is okay because you are sensitive to other people, then find a way that makes you feel comfortable. One person here said they didn't label it and that was some good advice. Don't be afraid to celebrate your baby, each baby deserves good loving energy, before and after they are born.
Quote from the Emily Post Institute :
Encore Baby Showers:
Is it proper to give a baby shower for a second baby? Some say that baby showers should only be given for the first born.
It's fine to have a baby shower for a second or third baby. Immediate family and very close friends are usually included, but otherwise choose guests who did not attend a shower for a previous child.
https://www.emilypost.com/social-life/celebrations-through-life/456-baby-shower-questions-answered
Miss Manners says no second baby shower to avoid greed, at least a formal one but informal is okay.
https://entertainmentguide.local.com/miss-manners-baby-shower-etiquette-10098.html
Both give different information...now what? Guess random stranger's opinions it is. Darn, was kind of hoping for definitive answers. I don't think the baby shower question will ever truly be answered. Well, we should just be supportive of one another like this forum was meant to be. Good luck ladies on your pregnancies and here is to a happy, healthy baby!