"If you hadn't lost your other baby, this one wouldn't exist"

weddedwife · November 2012

I am dreading this comment, that I know is coming from several family members who have been less than "eloquent" about our loss. I'm just waiting for it. Has anyone ever said this to you? How did you respond?

JulyMomma2U2 · November 2012

I think I would punch them. That is probably one of the rudest and inconsiderate things I could imagine someone saying to someone who went through a loss.. I truly hope your family respects you enough to never say such a thing..

xleslieraex · November 2012

First, that is an asshat thing to say. If someone says that to you, you have permission to punch them.

It took 9+ months after both my losses to get pregnant again, & if I wouldn't have had the losses we would've tried for 3u3. So, I tell people that it was totally possible for me to have M and I my lost little ones.

Junebug060609 · November 2012

Thankfully nobody has said that to me. I've pointed it out to a few people, but more in a "it really is amazing how things turn out sometimes" kind of way. My loss pregnancy would only have been 13w along when D was conc'd, they literally couldn't both exist.

It is beyond insensitive in your case though. I truly wish there was a way for ALL of our babies to be here with us. All of them.

Karen1998 · November 2012

It's not a nice thing to say, and I'd probably point that out. I couldn't logistically have my lost baby and DS (without some serious miracle and NICU time for the lost baby), but that doesn't change the fact that I would have loved to have had the opportunity to have both of them here with me. I'd probably tell the asshat that, as it might bring the point home and hopefully prevent that asshat from telling someone else the very same awful statement.

weddedwife · November 2012

This baby really wouldn't have existed if N hadn't died. This baby was conceived 3 to 4 weeks after my due date, we definitely wouldn't have been DTD then if he had been born when he was due.

I KNOW that, and it's a weird thing to have to know about your kids. I don't even know how I'll begin to process that once this LO is here. I just know that someone is going to say this or something very like it based on the other things that have been said. Ugh.

mork · November 2012

I haven't heard that one from anyone, and it's a good thing. I'd likely whip out some rude comment in response like "I'll make sure to remind you not grieve when your son Jimmy dies because you'll still have your daughter Jane." I should never say anything like that, but I may not be able to restrain myself.

I said something similar when my friend told me she believes that a baby from a lost pg just comes back in the next pg. Thus, I've been pg with Ella 5 times. How that worked as twins, I don't know, but now I'm not supposed to grieve the loss of my other five babies because I have them/her.

JulyMomma2U2 · November 2012

DS would not be here either had I not lost my previous pregnancy.. we m/c'ed in July (due date early Feb) and I was pregnant again in November. With that said.. I still think if anyone "said" that to me, I'd be unable to hold back my wrath.. it's an awful thing to say..

Again, I really hope your family respects you enough to THINK before they speak and refrain from pointing out things that may seem "obvious" but that can also be very hurtful/unsettling.. this is a happy time for you.. !

big_noise · November 2012

I'm fully expecting this and have even gotten some of that already. Right now I basically say it's very conflicting to love the baby growing inside you and wonder why you can't have the one(s) you lost. I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle this going forward yet, but I'm expecting more of it, esp. from MIL who really can't wrap her head around why we've asked for privacy during this pregnancy. Of course, since she told the entire world about my 1st m/c, she doesn't know about the second, my cycle issues, that I go to acupuncture, etc. I'm pretty sure she thinks we just started trying again b/c DH was finishing the bar exam...WRONG!

Kissimi21 · November 2012

My BIL said something similar to me after I lost my first pregnancy. He said, "Maybe losing this baby is a good thing." Luckily, he finished that thought before I could kill him. He told me that his mom had had a miscarriage two months before finding out she was pregnant with him. He said that he wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened, and that while he is sad that his mom went through that, he is also grateful because he is here. It wasn't so much what he said (because he really put his foot in it with the way he said it), but how he said it. He was so sincere and awkward, that it was the most honest conversation we had up to that point. That is the only time saying something like that is not completely douchey.

SharonB222 · November 2012

Nobody has said this to me directly, but interestingly I have two friends who believe this for themselves (one lost 2 pgs and then bore IVF twins, another had stillborn IVF twins and then bore IVF twins). One asked me for agreement on the philosophy, but I couldn't. The closest I can come is that I love my DD.

normajeane6126 · November 2012

No one has ever said it to me, but I look at the timeline of the past 3 years, and every single one of my pregnancies would have had a little overlap. If Squirt had gone full term, I never would have been pregnant with Turtle. If Turtle had been full term I wouldn't have Matthew. If Surprise had been full term, Isaiah wouldn't have been born (and it breaks my heart to let my mind wander about that).

I'm pretty sure if anyone pointed any of this out to me, I would knock them the eff out.

weddedwife · November 2012

phancykat:There would also be words like *** you, and maybe some spitting. Anyone who would say that should not be allowed out without a muzzle. Or a V-chip like Cartman had in the Southpark movie.

Oh, phancykat, thank you for this. Totally made me chuckle! Especially the v-chip part Yes

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